Reality is sinking in....

Probably the worst thing I could do was have read one of those romance books. You know, the one where the sex is amazing and the man adores the woman, love so deep, lovemaking so intense. Oh, how I yearn to be loved and to love with such desire....to be held and wanted and to make love to someone with such a passion. Is this only something that exists in romance books? I truly do not know anyone who has such a life....

So now I sat by my big window on my lounging chair....that's why I had put that chair there and I had built this little area, realizing, I have never used it. Today I sat and thought...can I truly do this alone because that is what I would be alone. Alone to juggle the three children, alone to pay the mortgage, get up at night and then there is my work...I would have to work even harder to keep this life together. Damn, how I wish my marriage had worked out. Tears roll down my face...I am scared.....part of me wants to just leave and escape it all. Am I dreaming of happiness and it doesn't exist? The tears begin to flow uncontrollably as I look out the window...and the phone rings.

It is the divorce attorney. The man has such balls calling me on a Sunday afternoon but honestly, I welcome the interruption now. I told him I made the appointment for the mediator. He offers to meet me today to talk about it but I know what he really wants. I hint to him that how ironic I have him as a friend and you haven't helped me at all. His help sucks....he says that we are going to have to share the proceeds of the house. I don't like that. If I am the one who is going to suffer the next 30 years paying this mortgage...he deserves nothing especially since his share of child support will not even hit $1,000 a month. It just doesn't seem fair this law.

I told him I would probably be a shut in...that I won't have much time to get out and my life will change and at first not for the better. Well I will have to come over and hold you and we can watch tv and fool around when your kids go to sleep. And then you can go out and fool around with other men and tell me all about it. A strange thing....he likes to hear about other men. I laughed and he began telling me that he was lying there thinking about me with a super hard cock and that all he can think about is doing me. I close my door....I pulled down my pants, that's what I needed....a little balance.....doing circles on my clit, I told him that I imagined myself sitting by the window masturbating as he came in and saw me on the lounging chair....in front of the big picture window he comes in and thrusts his cock deep inside of me. Doing circles, I could feel myself climaxing about to orgasm and for him that's all he needed to climax. At the same time, you could hear us both moan. And then I began to giggle...less than three minutes ago, I was sitting in front of this window declaring a new nunhood for myself and the phone rung and here I am....cumming and making someone else cum.....too funny.

Well his call was perfect timing. It was what I needed to get my mind back on track. I am dreading getting the financial stuff together and lying everything out for the mediator tomorrow. My son keeps asking where we are going...I dread telling people. I dread telling my son. This sucks but I need to be happy. I want my freedom. I guess freedom comes at a high cost. I just hope I am not going to be stuck in all the time, working and taking care of the kids. Oh this truly sucks. I need to get my shit together.

A Busy Day

It's rare when I take off from work and hang with the kids. Today I decided to do just that. If I am going to be alone..I am going to have to do that more often. So I decided, today was the perfect day to start. We began with some major outlet shopping. I have always been one to splurge when I was sad. And today, I did just that. Of course, it didn't help but it was fun walking around with the kids and shopping. Ironically, the outlets are a town away from MM.

I knew I wasn't going to see him. But it got me thinking.....thinking how he hadn't answered any of my last emails. Thinking how he judged me so.....I mean here is a man who lied to me about his name and allowed me to continue to call him that during sex. Who should really be mad here? I know, let the past go....but the anger comes from how he controlled so many things. Down to him seeing me squirm and cry when he chose to say goodby without any warning. Basically leaving me dazed and confused..that wasn't closure for me....it took awhile to sink in....no chance for rebuttal, no chance for discussion. I guess anger comes up at times when you think back on things and today was one of those days. Like the rug got pulled out from you. Rrr...now here is the part I would tell you an irrational thought I had BUT remember, he still controls me in a bizarre way. He could read my blog whenever he wants. He can catch up on my life whenever he wants...once again, I have no control except to stop writing and I refuse. BTW, the irrational thought, for the record, I am not ever going to do....lol Back to the day...

We went to a famous Italian restaurant. I needed special seating so I went up to the owner....and for the first time, I got tongue tied, got lost in my trend of thought and got mesmerized by these deep, dark, gorgeous black eyes. How embarrassing, this has never ever happened to me. This guy was just like I like them....tall, dark and handsome. I looked like shit so I didn't expect him to respond...he did with a smile but part of me thinks that he is used to women getting lost in his eyes. Dimples and a smile and deep, deep eyes. I got my special setting, actually a special table in the back..the VIP table and he bought me a glass of wine. But he was being polite. I will return one night looking hot.

I came home and my text rang. The fireman re-appeared. Here's the thing, I was sick but he didn't know that. He appears and disappears. I hate when men do that. Actually, I guess if MM didn't play that game I might tolerate it from others just a little bit but that is now at the top of my list of hate things. Men do that and it is annoying. The surgeon.....at 2AM the other night..hey are you up? Well I was but I didn't feel like dealing with him, so I ignored him. So now the fireman....well I wrote him nicely....call me next week. until we meet, I don't want to chat on text.

So another night and I am beat. Time for bed......sweat dreams. this inner soul searching I have been doing is sooooo tiring...lol

The Courage Will Outweigh the Scared

Yes, Rosie, your words have sat with me. How will I know when the time was right? How will I know when I have had more than enough? How will I know? What will push me to make the move? And today was the day....it finally came!


Tired of being gropped while I sleep and being woken startled. Realizing that I dread closing my eyes at night...tired of the bullshit, the lack of everything, the anger I feel inside.....TIRED! And when I brought up him gropping me again....he denied (badly) and then said...well I receive no attention and you forgot about your marriage. WHAT?!?!?!! Did you forget why I forgot about my marriage?!! So this is all about you?!? A divorce--I have no place to go! So the truth (as a suspected came out)..I am not living in a crappy apartment...I have to look out for me, no one else looks out for me. THERE WERE THE WORDS....THE FINAL WORDS. Yes, the world is about you. Not about the kids, not about our children...but how this is going to affect you!!!!!!


I have been planning to go to a mediator.....where honestly I will get the raw end of the deal. I was even thinking that i would take on most of the debt, the mortgage and give him money to get an apartment. That the money he would give to me actually would pay for groceries...that is it....no roof, no nothing. I actually heard a judge forced a man to get a second job to make pay his wife more. There was no reason why he couldn't.....and honestly, I truly believe a judge would make him considering how many jobs I am working to keep the house afloat and my kids situation. But I was thinking of all ways to make this work...amicable....so he can find a place where he could have the kids over.....so we can be as friendly as possible. It doesn't have to be a total disaster....I just truly want to be alone. Scary thing, I might turn into a shut in. Especially if he is going to be a deadbeat dad.


And then the truth comes out......he is a child. Wow is he!! Not worried about his poor children...just himself and that I am going to screw him. If I was going to screw him, I would have gotten a lawyer and served him papers and we could fight it out in court. Money we don't have. ANGER...FURY......I can't live like this anymore....I am going to die!! I can't take another second, I don't care what happens, I don't care anymore.....I NEED OUT OF THIS!! And so...the courage outweighted the scared person. And I called the mediator and made an appointment and called the accountant and he's coming over tonight and called about the lien that was on the house to get the paperwork that I needed because I satisfied the judgement. Yes, it was all done. The ball was rolling. Monday at 9:30AM....we have an appointment with the mediator.

Men

A simple title for a complex species. Amazing how I can never figure out any of them. Mr. P left town but before he left, he sent me this mushy poem online (I haven't written a poem in so long now that I think about it). It was very sweet and basically said how much he cared about me and how he looks forwarding to seeing me. He didn't write it but he's not a man to write poetry so he took the time to find this and that meant a lot. He's gone now and the separation is probably good for us (okay its good for me).



So its 3:27AM and I am up. Yup..hubby's night time touching while I am sleeping. I woke up startled and actually dreaming about frogs. A deep sexual dream with two or three past frogs in it. The balls on this man when I discussed with him about going to a mediator yesterday and tonight. Is he that stupid to realize that he is just speeding up the process....tomorrow I schedule the appointment, I can't take it. Ironically, tonight, he worked late...my help was gone and I actually had a fantastic evening with my kids. All three in one room and all four of us hanging together.



the guy my friend introduced me to...we spoke again today. I am not sure what he is looking for and right now I cannot give a hell of a lot. I also spoke to that single guy who I feel is too needy and I want to fix him up with a single girl I know.....the point being they both said the same thing. That I am so easy to talk to. That something lures them back to call me. That my personality and voice is so sexy. I guess I do give good email and good chat. But could I if I wasn't married? Would I let the walls stay down? I think so..I hope so....



I am going to try and get back to sleep. If I stay up, I will be a wreck in the morning. Truth is, the kids have been sick and so have I been. We had the swine flu I think. All the symptoms down to the cough at the end. My little one has been having uncontrollable nose bleeds and I almost ran twice to the emergency room. And I , have been sleeping like crazy. For me that is rare so you know I am sick.

It's Me

Patience. Something I am lacking these days. Tolerance. I have absolutely no tolerance for stupidity. And that is what I am getting these days. The guy I liked who reminded me of MM, time restrictions ridiculous, he hasn't gotten a cell phone yet....basically says to me....no effort therefore.

My best friend knows this guy who she has been friends with for years. He has been looking to have an affair. And she finally said, we might be a good match. I spoke with him yesterday but quite frankly it seemed like an interview. i was laughing.....honey, it is not just your decision if I am right for you...BUT it is my decision if you are right for me. I was unimpressed by him.

Had lunch with Mr. P yesterday. I have been under the weather so we didn't have a meeting. His summer is packed with time off and vacations which are just coming out now. He gave me the schedule and it isn't pretty....we are not going to be able to see each other that much.

So originally, we were going to have a rendevous.....3 hour time frame. Then when I told him I wasn't feeling so great...we decided on lunch and he said...ok, I have time for a quick lunch...very fast. WAIT!! you had 3 hours and now only have time for a 1/2 hour lunch....I was pissed and of course I let him know. We ended up going for lunch and I played with him a little in the car. It was fun, we get along great but I feel a distance lately. Oh he says I am nuts. But I think its time for me to separate a little bit for the summer. Take a breather. Get used to not talking to him everyday....let him miss me a little bit.

What is left? Finding me this summer. I was going to go to a mediator tomorrow but I am sick and not sure if having the chills and going to a mediator is the best thing. I will postpone till next week when I am feeling better. But for now, I am going to concentrate on me a little more. Actually going to go for a walk in a few minutes. Sit out on my deck and relax while I read a book....take a little time to think about what I want in life.

It amazes me that it was being content with an affair that kept me from thinking about divorce. And honestly since MM has been gone, I haven't felt fulfilled and I have decided to pursue the mediation. Don't most women do it the opposite? find a lover and then want a divorce. No..I lose a lover and want a divorce. Honestly, none of the men I was with were ever going to leave their wives nor did I want or expect them to. I knew the rules of the game before and they were my rules too. But it was great to have mindblowing sex. Damn I do miss it.

My girlfriend and I went out to dinner and she said that she has had great affairs where they were all mindblowing. Hmmmm....am I missing something or is her definition of mindblowing different than mine? MM was hot....it was intense.....I get wet just thinking about us together...my body desires those orgasms, that mental stimulation and physical arousal. With other guys, the sex has been good (they think great..lol) but it hasn't been as great. So why is that? Damn its frustrating. I want to be frogged....no one else has frogged..lol... not sure what the frog is? Its him on his two feet in squatting position as my legs are over my head and he is deeply penetrating me from behind.....like he is hopping like a frog!! How ironic isn't it?

Okay off for my walk and some work. Talk soon!

The old FB Lawyer re-surfaces

Four men today and I was down to one. Fireman disappeared. He contacted me last night said he would let me know and then no word. The Plumber had an emergency and Mr. P was way too busy. I kind of knew it wasn't going to be easy so I let him have some room. And then there was the Facebook Attorney. We met for lunch amd there is an ice place here that three years ago we had wanted to taste all the flavors...a goal of the summer. Well now we decided to try it again.

Here's the thing about him. He is so damn serious. He barely smiles EXCEPT when he is with me because I purposely work to make him smile. He cracks up....he has a tough outside but I love to get those smirks and laughs. You are too much he laughed. I think I smiled more today than I have in three years. We went for the ices and spoon fed each other. There was some sexual tension between us and finally it was 2 hours later. He was shocked, he had an appointment but never imagined that our time together was going to last for so long. Puttimg the ices in my mouth...I started to tease him. Licking the spoon up and down...he basically moaned and took a deep breath. I was having so much fun. Then he reached over and kissed me. It was a good kiss, it was comfortable, it was really nice. He then moved in to kiss me again.

He called me later.....let's try again next week. I really enjoyed this afternoon. me too actually.
it was fun.

Innocent yet sexual.....mmmmm......I was singing and blasting the radio on the highway. A guy pulled up mext to me...and stared and smiled. Aaah...i was feelling gooooooood today. Very gooood today. Yes, Iwas singing Love Story by Taylor Swift.

Today was good for me...I feel good. And then Mr. P called.....we had a long talk that was nice. So today was a nice day.

Governor Mark Sanford...not an affair expert?

My oh my oh my. Governor Mark Sanford should be the poster child for Ashley Madison. I mean he is the perfect example of what NOT to do if you are having an affair. I feel sorry for the man, he got caught up in the affair. He got sucked into that excitement, that overwhelming desire and passion of having an affair. Now let's look at it here....the man left his state with no one knowing where he was for six days. Geez, come on, I don't care if you are Governor or a janitor of a building, people are going to notice that you are MIA. Crap, lie a little here. Call in...get a cell phone that you can use out of the country. Say you are going with some buddies to Argentina but you HAD to know someone was going to notice you were missing.

The line that made me feel bad for him was:
"Despite the best efforts of my head, my heart cries out for you."

How in the world this lightning strike snuck up on us I am still not quite sure," he wrote, after praising the curve of her hip and her tan lines.

He got so caught up in the affair. The man lost his mind. He cared nothing about anyone or who found out. He had to know that he was going to get caught but he didn't care. For some reason I don't think he was rushing down there to break up with her as he had said. Realistically, that doesn't add up. Logically, she was either ending it and he couldn't handle it OR he just had to have her, couldn't wait any longer till their next meeting. The flashbacks were taking over, his penis was doing the thinking.

Yup, another politician who gave up his life for an affair. But you gotta admit, she is a beautiful woman at least. I mean Spitzer gave up his life for an escort. the ones who get hurt, are the kids. Sanford's four sons will have this follow them for the rest of their lives.

And Your Name Is..........?@?@?

With all the frogs in the Secret Lovers Lane pond the last few days, I am either not interested, forgetful and losing my mind or pre-occupied. I think I am not as interested as I sometimes am and I have a lot going on.

I was meeting my girlfriend for dinner but decided to stick a frog in between to just have coffee and meet. Met him at a local Starfucks and we chatted. He is not my type, nice guy but there was no chemistry on my end. He didn't feel that way though. He kept complimenting me on how gorgeous I was, how my breasts were amazing (well he did talk to my breasts a little..lol), how my eyes were gorgeous and I had the most beautiful face. Like I said nice guy with great taste but not for me. Here's the thing....he has a fake name on his yahoo. I forgot what his real name was. So here I sat, talking intimately with a man and there is no way to say....so what was your name again. Earlier in the day, he listened to me masturbate and cum. He heard the swooshing of my juices....so to say....so btw, what's your name?! Never fit into the conversation at anytime. LOL.

My girlfriend came, they met at the door..I was laughing. She was like...that's a cute one but not your type right? "Too bad I can't remember his name?" we started to laugh. I hadn't told her I was meeting anyone but she knew as he was walking out that he was a frog. My girlfriend and I grew up together...she's my sister even though we live so far away. No judging, just my best friend for life. I am definitely finding I am enjoying getting back in touch with my real friends.

During dinner, my phone was going wild. She was dying......The Facebook Attorney, the fireman, the guy I just left....Geez....is this what it would have been like if text existed when we were younger. And then Mr. Porsche.....we were fighting in the afternoon, reality is he has no time for me. So when he called I said, I am out for dinner with a friend. There was dead silence...oh really? Hmmm....a tone of jealousy from Mr. P...... because we were fighting (and he doesn't have the time) I hadn't mentioned my best friend was coming in from out of town for dinner. Okay, I admit it....I rode it for a few minutes chosing my answers carefully not to give away it was my girlfriend. Finally, I told him. "YOU WERE JEALOUS?!!" He knew I was getting annoyed with him and kind of threatening during the day that maybe I should see different people..his laid back attitude what I don't know won't hurt you ......didn't shine through when he knew. Call me later he said.....

I had two drinks and decided to grab some coffee on the way home. He spoke to me for a few minutes. A woman came over to the car saying her kids were in an accident and she needed to get to the hospital (oh poor thing).....get the fuck out of there NOW...he yelled at me. She's scamming, get out of there. And he was right when I thought about it. If it was that serious even if the police wouldn't come, she would have gone into Panera Bread. He saved me. I was going to leave but I was hesitating...boy, I am a sucker sometimes, I used to be so street smart.

He couldn't talk.....well, the drinks in me took over... OKAY, its fucking 10pm and you are in the office.....its never good, no matter what time it is ....what the fuck?! And then he blasted me. To say the least we are having a few issues..lol Today things are ok.

The fake Mystery Man guy is very funny. Same warped humor and I realized its his dark glasses that remind me of MM as well. yes, the tall, dark and handsome look with the dark glasses gets me each time. He has me rolling, he's so damn funny but its so strange...I don't think its a good idea. I am afraid I am doing the cutout pix thing. Like he's a substitution for him BUT that isn't going to work.

Hubby was home today. We had a huge blowout....school is trying something with my little one and we are suppose to follow through at home. When he didn't do it and was questioned, under his breath he said...why don't you just wait till I am out of the damn house to do it. Hmm..he didn't know I was in the next room when he spoke to my help and heard him. In a rage, I came out screaming...see, its being done now and quite frankly get the F out if you don't want to be here when we do it. I hate him. Oh, he was freaked that I heard him but too bad, it shows his character and who he really is. Truth is, he wants nothing to do with our two younger ones. Its sad, they are sweet kids. Somehow I am going to do this. Someway I am going to figure out how to make it on my own with my kids....so those who felt bad for the man, do ya still?!?!!!!?!

REALITY..

I admit it...the last two days I have gone wild on Ashley Madison Because here is the reality.

Mystery Man doesn't care at all and doesn't even think about me...he's blocked me out. And I was so unprepared for it to come to such an end. I am fighting the closure. No doubt he is on Ashley as an alias and fucking around by now. Lucky girl!

Mr. P- is too busy for me and has pulled away a little bit. Truth be known, I knew he wasn't going to be able to give me all the attention and sex I crave. His work schedule is too busy AND I need MM sex. No doubt, I have to search for another MM.

And so the search began......emailing man after man after man....and last night I chatted with a few. Picked myself up a boy toy. Convinving him that i was too old for him yet looking at his hot body....I was getting drenched. He was almost convincing but I have someone else for him. A friend who is single and young. He didn't want to know from that but I have to give him away..lol

And then the avalanche hit today......the married, the single...the super hot, the sophisticated. Men with PhDs to men who wouldn't even know what the letter meant. Bulging muscles to bulging brains and in between. My email was donging all day today. Hardly could get anything done. The MM look a like was texting all day (gotta think of a better name)....then there was the old Fireman, the Facebook Attorney and The Plumber. All I am suppose to meet this week for lunch...I ran out of days.

And then a whole crew of newbies. Sorting them by those that entertain me..dumping those that are scary and highly obnoxious. and then there was the one who ordered a picture from me. Interesting approach, I won't talk to you until you send a pix to this email.....oh really?!?! Well baby doll, it doesn't work that way for me. So I sent him a note....well since you were rude enough not even to say hi, i will say hi! It was a pleasure to meet you but I don't work that way. i see you are single and you have a pix. Handsome but you better learn how to treat a lady. so here is my pix, my dear, so you can see who you were such a rude ass too.

And he responded, apologized and said he gets all these cooky girls sending him notes and he's not a text person. He gave me his telephone number. I don't think so. His loss, if he is that rude before we meet, can you imagine his attitude after we were together for awhile.

So, I have a few meetings, I have potentials......and I feel ok. Nothing has changed here. Wish you could go back in life but I have to say....the one thing I did learn was that at least I enjoyed what i had in the end. You see, past times with MM, I was upset that he might leave again, I had dwelled on that and it ruined what I had. At least the last time, i totally enjoyed him and us. I was more relaxed, I cherished the flashbacks...no anxiety, no worries. So, I even wrote, I finally felt balanced and enjoyed it.

So Cheri's Aesops Fable for the day---Enjoy what you have and not worry about what sadness tomorrow will bring. Because its important to enjoy what you have in the present..tomorrows worries and troubles will eventually come.....

So which one do I do? hmmmm.....