The Sexual Reality of Getting Old

The old expression "Man Plans and God Giggles"

My girlfriend and I were just on the phone hysterical laughing. Actually she screamed at me for making her laugh so hard. Ironically, I was just stating facts:

The last week has been filled with examples that I am getting fucking old. the good news is that my friends are getting old with me! Where we used to discuss the children and career plans, we are now discussing our aging twats and body parts.

My problem was that my period wouldn't stop. This has been going on for weeks. Not a faucet running but enough that its upsetting and draining me. When the doc started to talk about cancer.....it freaked me out. So, there it is....my twat is worn. But I think its from lack of use.

Ironically, now that I want to have sex....I am enjoying it so much. God decides to throw a monkey wrench into it. The part of my body that I rarily had cared about during most of my marriage has become an important part of my affair. I like using it now. So, it not working right is certainly putting a damper on my affairs and my fucking!

Then there is my girlfriend....she is fucking like a bunny with her boyfriend. Her problem,,thinning walls. Mine are too thick, hers are too thin. She also didnt use it for years and now she is having problems.....excessive sex and her walls bleed.

So here we are...two old ladies...finally enjoying sex and getting eaten out and well the damn twat is aging.

So she just called. "Fucker...I have a yeast infection now. I've never had one. What do I do?" the supportive friend that I am .....I started howling and tears are rolling down my face. Go to the drug store and get Monistat. Poor thing, now her old crotch is itching like crazy. She calls me from the store....there are 1 day, 3 day and 7 day kits. We read the box. My answer.....1200 mg vs. 200 mg. "I say kill the sucker in one shot. Hey with 1200 mg. who knows whatelse it can solve too. Kill whatever you got going on up there"

"Do I go for the combo pack?" Hmmm.....such damn decisions. I asked her if it had a little twat scratcher in the combo pack?" Don't you think...you know, like a back scratcher but a little one to scratch those itches inside? What a great invention.....

"I'm going to pee in my pants, stop it." "Great, I say, you should stop in the Depends aisle".

"How do I use it?" she says.... "Don't you use tampons? I asked"

"No." Okay, I told her what to do and then told her this was one of those moments---like when I thought I was going to die with a vibrator in me because of those brain freezes I was getting. she told me she wasn't coming over to get the dildo out before (and we assigned her boyfriend the job)....well, today I told her.... I am not coming over to help you with Monistat and your twat. you can do it.

so then she calls and says that there is a plastic tip, do I put it in. Hmmm...read the damn directions, it doesn't say she says. Okay, shove it in and if you feel uncomfortable, it will end up being toxic shock and you know it shouldn't have been inserted.

Next call.....You Win! Not a funny situation but ironic in itself. He said that he has been having issues with staying hard. The pecker doesn't work as well as it used to these past few years. I guess that might explain the lack of him always wanting to talk sexual. He gets hard but it doesn't get rock hard.....he was hard when we were together but it didn't stay super duper hard. I was honored that he was telling me and well..he made an appointment to see the doctor. I guess he was worried about us meeting and him not being able to get it up. Now you all know me, I wouldn't be upset at all. I would be concerned. I would worry.

So, he made a doctor's appointment to get it checked out before we meet. Can you say Viagra?! Hmmmm.....I heard it stays hard for hours after that...damn, can my old pussy handle that?

so yes, today was a day of reality. Our body parts are getting old......but damn it, if it were a car, I have hardly any miles on it.....Sigh....have a great weekend and St. Patty's Day. Have a drink and toast Maturity!