Takers versus Givers

We all play both side of the fence at times but I do believe that most people fall predominantly in one of those categories. And there are other traits like selfless and selfish, dominant and submissive, open and closed...etc. etc. Self serving is a good word I guess. A lot of them men I have on my list are self serving. Even Mr. Organized seems to fall in that category, even though he is a giver. Mr. Porsche is a mix leaning more towards him and well the rest--are totally self serving individuals.

I found this quote on someones site from Nicholas Spark and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

"You're going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions you should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter."

So I decided to really try to look at someones actions. Not only their actions but was my needs/desires a consideration as well in their decision making.

Today I had a very nice surprise, I got to see Mr. Porsche. He was in the area and he decided to surprise me. unfortunately, my time was limited. Things have changed with us. Not horrific, I think it is more that I have changed. I don't want to be stuck in a motel room every time, I would like to meet for lunch once in awhile but our time has been so limited lately. Our sex is unusual, in that it is more on the deviant level. His purpose is to make me cum (I can't complain). He also loves to get me to the point of pain versus ecstasy. Right at that threshold is definitely mind boggling, like I have said before it is like a game of pinball and the machine goes to tilt!!

So the sex? Its always deviant. He gets this devil look in his eye and I truly see the devil...lol He loves to chew on my nipples and we have sex with my legs in the air and as he thrusts he will have anal beads in my ass and a vibrator on my clit. He made me cum three times today and I can't even begin to tell you the amount of toys he has on the bed that we use. A toy for all purposes. Oh and he even has a vibrating ring on his cock....we are buzzing!! lol

I enjoy our time. we had a good day but there were a few incidences that made me think. He complained about my perfume (I know, it was cream that had a perfume). He feels the need lately to mention how he has no plans to get divorced, he told me to stop talking like a woman and start blowing him. And as we were joking around...well he was putting anal beads in me and he put them in my mouth as a lube. Excuse me sir, but with you and your prostate massager I have to use a whole bottle of lube. When it was his turn for the massager, I said...oh let me do the same...then he said, I will punch you in the face. Oh I was taken back. He quickly added with my knee but it came with a sense of anger that tears came to my eyes.Oh he would never hit me but for the first time he said it like he would.

And then I was quiet and concentrating on blowing him and using the prostate massager and I was just thinking. Thinking about our future, thinking about if I wanted to be here as much as I used to want to be here. And it wasn't anger on what he said, I was really soul searching. Oh this is still what I want, I do enjoy our time together but for the first time it hit me that we are not going to go on like this forever. And Mr. Porsche shocked me out of my thoughts when he said "You have such an intense look on your face right now." I smiled, he knows me so well. He can sense when I am distant or pre-occupied. He can tell from a hello whether my day was good or bad. I just smiled and did my magic. Yes, for a man who didn't think he was going to cum, I always manage to get him there. Finding his prostate has been amazing. Such a feeling sends him reeling out of control. He says his cock isn't even fully erect but I am able to make him cum and get that amazing aura. Its wild for him. Men, you should try it if you haven't.

But the funniest part of the day was that I set my alarm because the clock wasn't working. I had to be back at home and I couldn't be late so when that alarm went off I knew I had to fly. I was lying in his arms and then I started to massage his back and the alarm went off...."Oh, your time is up...gotta go!" And I jumped up and began to quickly dress. He laughed but it bothered him. He called me later and said the same thing...oh times up! well, well, well....that feeling he feels..that's it! That's the feeling I feel 99% of the time when he's running around. It felt good to turn the tables.

The sex itself...its deviant. My nipples are aching, my butt has a bite mark (his newest thing,like he wants to brand me) and my pussy is sore. So needless to say, my day with Mr. Organized, I am not as excited as I was last week. Truth is, I was suppose to see Mr. Astronaut tonight and he didn't even call so seeing Mr. Porsche was even better so it worked out. But I know I need to walk away from Mr. Astronaut.

I have a new date tomorrow night..I will let ya know how it goes.

Someone commented on my blog about the quantity of men. Oh, I get it, that is my point, the quantity is there but the quality is not. I am in search of a quality man but I have to kiss a lot of frogs to find that perfect prince charming and I am not settling.

Well off to bed...I have to rest my pussy for tomorrow. I hope I am horny, Mr. Organized has this romantic morning planned at a hotel and I am not into it.

Oh, the new look. I just decided to make a little change....did you think you weren't here?!!? lol I would love to take the time to really make the changes to my blog as I always wanted but there is never enough time. Its my baby!!

Mr Sports Arrives After One Year of Cock Teasing

So it is two weeks shy of one year that my best girlfriend introduced me to this guy. a big shot in sports management. she knew him from her days of dating some pro ball players. He has been a good friend of mine for almost a year. He says he's coming out to see me and he never ends up coming so should I have thought he was going to show up tonight? Of course tonight he does. giving me 4 minutes to prepare.


Nothing is stranger than talking to a man for a full year and never knowing what he looks like yet he knows so much about you. He knows my tones, my fears, my desires and my wants. I am coming over to be with you! OMG! I never even thought about it. I can't sleep with a stranger who is not a stranger but a good friend. I told him I couldn't. I don't know you...he laughed and said, I know you very well and I'll be there in two minutes.


I started to get a panic attack and the gigglesd. He knocked on the door and when I opened it, there stood an unfamiliar face yet the voice was one I know so well. What a bizarre and strange feeling. I smiled and kissed and hugged him. I explained that I felt so strange. He said he felt totally comfortable...why? because he had a picture. He understood how I couldn't jump into bed with him so we sat and talked for awhile. I gave him a tour of the house and he wanted to see the famous virgin bed which we all know is no longer but I left out that fact. We hung out on top of the bed, listened to the radio and we began to talk.


Talking in the almost dark, I heard the voice of my dear friend as I lied on his chest. And then I reached up and kissed him. I giggled but was feeling more comfortable. His hands wandered and he slide his hand in my pants. Fingering me, I began to really loosen up. And of course seeing his hard on in his pants did not help the situation....well.....the man loves to eat a woman out and I haven't had a good eating in awhile...hmmmm...and you can certainly guess where there is going.


For a good 15 minutes, he feasted on my pussy until I came. Oh I was feeling so selfish at this point. And then I opened his pants to a hard cock. It was more of two friends experimenting than the intense passion. There was a comfort there for me. And he was excellent at eating pussy. While he fingered me. Man, he was good. I slide my hands on his cock and could feel it bulge as my hand touched it. You could hear a little moan from him. That to me is always enticing. I get off knowing that I am pleasing someone. So I worked my way down to devour his cock. Oh, he moaned and moaned good. After an amazing blowjob, I looked at his cock and felt that it would be a waste for him to cum and us not to have sex. I love what it feels like when a man sticks his cock so deep inside of me. I love the thrusting...I love when a cock first enters me and it spreads my lips and then my muscles wrap around his cock.

So i told him, get the condom. The guy hasn't worn a condom in a million years but no raincoat, no sex. So he put it on and thrusted inside of me...it was french vanilla sex. i say that because it was missionary but I added a little flavor to it with my legs wrapped around him and my additional hip thrusts. Soon after, he came. If he didnt announce it, the little moan was all he gave. Afterwards, I loved his reaction. His mind was blown. He laid there and felt amazing. He held me close and we chatted. Actually even called my GF because she couldn't believe we finally met.

Well the sex was good but you know me, i need to push the limits. can he get it up again. I just started playing a little after 10 minutes and it began to rise again. Yes, there was life! So now there was a challenge. He said there was no way it was going to get hard enough to screw again...aaahh!! That is a challenge I will take on. And so I did with a great handjob and a little lip action and well, his cock was up again. There's not way I will cum, I can't believe you even managed to get me hard again. Hmmmm....lets try! So he went isndie of me again and this time I wrapped my legs around him and thrusted my hips too even faster and then I played with his balls and to his surprise, he came again. As he looked me in the face, he had a dazed look. "I haven't been able to cum twice like that in 20 minutes since I was 17!" He collapsed on the bed. He works out daily and responded that this was a better workout then he could do at the gym.

he made me laugh so hard. He truthfully was shocked that he was able to perform like that. Holy shit, you are amazing. And that made me feel great. My girlfriend called me this morning and we laughed. Amazing how times have changed. When I said goodby to him it was totally fine. You see, it was more like a sport then it was an actual sexually intense attraction. The sex was like an activity. He's my friend but I had no attachment. It was nice. We both laughed, yes, I was feeling like a man feels after sex. Now i get it. There's no emotional attachment, it was fun. That was it. I like him but it was like he was my tennis partner or something. Too funny.
In fact, 15 minutes later, I was on the phone with Mr. Porsche who is out of town and chatting. With him there is emotion, it was so different.

So that was my day yesterday....tons of talking to various men, four dates and one sexual rendezvous. No wonder i was so tired this morning. Yesterday was a day I certainly will remember.

Mr. Porsche Plans A Sexual Escape...YUM

I have to say I was surprised. Mr. Porsche called this morning and wanted to escape for two hours. He was planning it last week but was afraid it would fall through and well we have been having some communication issues lately. Last week, we had gone to a show together. My phone was ringing off the hook...I think he was thinking it was frogs. And it actually was.


Well today I was entrenched in a project so when I didn't sound super excited I think he was a little disappointed. what did you want to meet for? work or play? whtever you want, its your time. Hmmm...lets see...I will take play.


When I got there, he was in a towel. He worked this weekend on something ridiculous. Well its not ridiculous but realistically its house stuff that unless you are a contractor, you pay someone to do. Heavy manual labor but he was determined. It is a personal thing not that he couldn't afford to hire someone. So his entire body was aching.

Come over here and cuddle with me, he said. WHAT, I don't feel like cuddling today!! I said. He started to crack up and pulled me on the bed. Here's the thing about Mr. Porsche that I love. He knows I am a PITA and accepts my ball busting ways. Others, get mad at me or get really annoyed. He finds my rebellion funny and he lets me have my dig and just laughs. Why?! Because he knows me. He knows that I am truly a mush. He knows that I am just protecting my heart with some little PITA TALK. I laid down and kissed and cuddled him. then massaged him from head to toe. His head, his neck, down his back, his ass, his legs, his feet and his hands. Poor thing, he was so tense. Yes, I did go back and massage his balls as well.

Get undressed, I need to feel your tits on me. And the good little slut that I am, I got undressed. I laid on him when suddenly, he came back to life. I want to make you cum...so I was on my knees, kind of lying across him when he starts to finger me using this little rubber finger. Our toy bag has exploded. In fact, the prostate massager is our second one and it is dead. I am writing to the company and I will post it here. Mr. Porsche said, you wouldn't write. I said watch me. I mean it, the damn thing is expensive and it should break after one use. He doesn't have a prostate of steel (which i will point out to the company when I write).

Anyway, I have to say. Mr. Porsche has gotten amazing at finding my gspot. I mean we are talking amazing. He played with my clit and used my juices to make it so smooth...then he goes in and he finds my gspot and I can't explain but I moan and have an out of body experience and I cum like crazy. I remember panting, I remember thinking there was other men in the room watching and POOF...my body went into orgasmic mode. WOOOWW!! Amazing how I went through 39 years of life and never had an orgasm. I have made up for it now!!

We cuddled, we talked. He was under so much stress that he really didn't think he could get it up. Well, well....we are talking to me. I was determined to put this mouth to good use and so I did. working his cock, I was certainly able to get him hard. He has the girth baby...the true girth..he loves to hear me gag. I did a few times. I got out the non vibrating prostate massager (still his favorite toy) and I worked it good. You see, I have my own power now. I know exactly where is prostate is...I know exactly what to do to get him off. And so he came like crazy. He says its a different kind of cum, wild....like he peaks and its almost like he is afraid it is going to hurt and then there is total ecstasy. Not sure exactly since its different for me but I love getting him to that point where its out of body experience.

We lied there after, I took my nails and tickled his body. We talked about everything and nothing. It was fabulous. I love days like that. So what he wants to do is get me in a threesome. Hmmm....maybe I should find a girl and we can go from Mr. Porsche directly to Mr. Astronaut the same day. Kill two birds with one stone. But more interestingly, he wants to pierce my nipples. I mean get it done professionally. Ever been with a girl or know a girl with pierced nipples. This is really turning him on and he is serious. I am not so sure about it. I mean these are my nipples and they happen to be a part of my body I like. Gotta think about this.

we left and things felt right. Things felt like they used to.....back on track!

Mr. Cableman is a PITA

While I was with Mr. Porsche, Mr. Cableman knew it. So he called two times just to be annoying. It was pretty funny because I knew what he was doing. We are just good friends now. He had met a girl online that he has been seeing pretty regularly, the one he took to the hotel where Mystery Man and I used to frequent. He was telling me how hot the sex was...my reaction was...honestly, in that room you could probably have sex with a piece of dead wood and the ambience would make it good sex. He joked and said that my pix was in the lobby as a guiness book holder of visits to the hotel. I had to laugh. It certainly brought back some flashbacks. He was dying when I asked him about the neon lights and told him about the porno movies. He didm't have a mirror the first time on the ceiling, I told him to make sure he asks for a room that had one. the second time he was smart enough to ask for the mirror ceiling and he didn't use his real name this time. LOL I haven't been there in a very long time.

Last night, Mr. Cableman went to the movies with his GF. Of course, I had to return the favor and text him three times during the movie. He called me after and told me that I am way too funny and he couldn't stop laughing. I am sure the GF is not crazy about me. Oh, there was an incident when TWICE, he called her Cheri. She finally asked who I was....yikes. I told him as long as he doesn't scream my name during sex, he should be okay! We are just buddies and it is going to stay that way I think. I enjoy him as a friend and flirting by phone and text. Certainly is a highlight of my day because he is funny.

I told him to cut the hole in the popcorn bucket like I did when MM and I went to the movies. But watch out for that salt, I heard it burns. LOL He was laughing, you didn't do that? I started laughing remembering the flashbacks.....oh yeah I did. With the same hotel guy? he asked me. Yeah...with that same guy. So he asked...why aren't you two together anymore, it sounds like you guys had the ultimate banging thing going on? Long story was all that I said. Nope, not going there with him or anyone. You are never going to tell me are you? All I said was..... what does it matter, we aren't together and you are right, I don't want to talk about him at all!

When I think about my past, I admit to three guys. Mr. Government, Mystery Man and Mr. Porsche. Honestly, that is it. The rest were fleeting events all jumbled into one grouping. DigEm also had an emotional friend connection but it wasn't a true affair. But honestly, that is it. Reality is, those were the ones that made a true impression on me and my life. Mr. Government, an obsession because he was my first but reality is...that's all he was, my first. I was so naive, I had no idea the sex wasn't that great. And well, you know the other two. Those two I can honestly say are rocking chair material. Yup, when I am old and grey and sitting on that rocker on my porch, if I have any mind, I will watch the grass grow and think about how they fucked me soooooo gooooooooooood.

At this point, there is no one on my plate. There were three guys I was talking with and I threw them all back. I am not going to start off with someone who is needy or totally lost in their life. In today's economy, many of the men that I knew and know are struggling with their work...and for them, I would be there 120%...but I have no patience for these guys who have been totally lost their whole lives. One guy last night was telling me how he worked on Wall Street, was into demolition, is now an electrician and is going to work at a ticket booth this summer...and he graduated college with a Finance degree. you do what you gotta do but this guy never stuck to any job in his life for more than 1 year. He also is 44 and still lives with his parents. He is cute but not for me.

I have to find me. People don't live as insane as I do. I am constantly spiraling, so much on my plate, so much to take care of, up all night with the kids, clients wanting more and more....I just feel like the life is being sucked out of me. What I would do for two caring hands to wrap themselves around me and just hold me tight to give me back that energy. Someone to take this heavy load off my shoulders and off my heart even if it were for ten minutes. So a few tears just fell, I need to get back on track.

A Day Of True Single Fun

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Tiger Woods Report On Someone Rushed To Hospital

Wow...I hope it is a mistake. As I woke up this morning, the radio station said there was a report that a blonde was rushed to the hospital at 2:30AM after a 911 call today and the person is in bad shape in the ICU. They aren't sure if it is his wife or his mother or mother-in-law. The djs were speechless actually and took a whole new look at it. This is a private thing, it really is none of our business and if someone may die from it--personally I think the media is to blame. I hope it was a false report or this thing is certainly going to end Tiger's career.

So the report of over 10+ women that he has had affairs with, Tiger baby, you were just damn stupid. Stupid in his selection and the numbers. A waitress from Perkins?!?! A porn star? And he allowed someone to take pix of him on their cell phone. Rumor has it the girl is talking to PlayGirl now. There are fires popping up all over the place. I cannot believe he had such a God complex here. How did he not think that these waitresses wouldn't want to cash in?

Gotta say....he should have gone to Ashley Madison, he should have found one girl to bang that was married or in a position where she needed an affair to be quiet too. As for his wife, at this point, whether she loves him or not, I can't see how she could stay with him. 1-3 woman of respectable backgrounds....she would have survived. But from the list now and the woman he chose....the embarrassment alone is too much to endure.

I always said, I didn't care so much if my husband found out as much as I did if my kids found out. His kids are young but this is something he won't be able to erase out of history. Wow, transgressions....I think he needs a few more sssssssssss on that. For his sake and his families...I hope it dies down and no one was hospitalized...sadly, I think this is just the beginning for him.

The Deadly Muffin

I was upstairs straightening up for the cleaning people. My house was in disarray because I have been working so hard. I wasn't showered and looking gross for me when I heard banging on my front door. The door was open so I ran down. Probably UPS or my neighbor and when I got to the bottom of the steps...there was Mr. Security holding a white bag with his dazzling eyes and sexy smile. "Morning sexy, I bought you a muffin". I stood there with my mouth open. OMG!!! OMG!!! OMG!!! My house is a mess and I am a mess....CRAP!!! Usually I am better put together but not today. Almost the end of my cycle...not showered...oh this isn't good.

Like a little kid, I ran to the door and dragged him in by the hand. I gave him a big kiss and hug..Don't move, don't move....I ran upstairs and threw a bra on and brushed my teeth. I ran down and gave him another big hug...and grabbed his hand. He handed me the muffin and I looked into his eyes and said Thank you...but those eyes, those eyes captivate me and he knows it. Suddenly our lips met...and we stood in my livingroom kissing....what seemed like a half hour that you could feel the attraction and chemistry between us.

I quickly grabbed his hand...let me give you a tour of my disaster. And I showed him around the house. As we stopped in each room (except for the kids rooms) we began to kiss. I could feel his hands on me....oh he was so damn hot.

we went to my new theatre room that I just put in..which is waiting for the furniture. Our big joke is that is where I am putting the pole for my pole dancing. And then we returned to my bedroom...Yes, he was the first man in my bed. Actually I just pushed him on it and like a little kid I said....Wooo Hoooo a man is in my new bed. As I was jumping around, he pulled me down and so we began to kiss some more. Its a strange thing. we are friends but the attraction is there. slowly I worked my way to his pants..oh that wasnt his phone in his pocket. It was his nice hard cock. Come look at my new toy drawer. And I opened up a drawer that I now have made into a toy drawer. Yes, there is vibrators, ropes, lubricants, gels, massagers...so many toys. He was laughing so hard. And I grabbed my bunny to play with and threw him back on the bed.

I worked my way down to his cock and I got on my knees. Sucked him and licked him as he moaned. You give the best blow jobs...mmmmm, words I love to hear. I didn't want to do him...but it was getting warmer and hotter and damn... So you know when you know you shouldn't be doing something and then you manage to justify it in your head? Well after an hour, I needed to have him inside of me....but this is where it started to get weird....I had to go to pee, he had to look for a rubber and he was really nervous and I was really nervous and quite frankly the whole mood was lost and as he put on the condom so was his hard on.

so now I took it as if it was me....maybe it was. He said he was nervous and here we were with his limp dick. Fuck!! I should have never agreed..I didn't feel it was right. the lights shining in my bedroom, my new bed didn't come so bending over was uncomfortable...crap. So I looked at him and took the condom off and said Don't be nervous it is me...and I began to suck on him again which made him come back. We did fuck but it wasn't like we have in the past. It was uncomfortable now...I was very self conscious...it was not great. He came or so he said he did..I should have checked the condom but I didn't.

He kissed me good by, he left. I called him and said don't weird out on me. and he said he wouldn't. but he was suppose to come over on Friday and he didn't. and our conversations have been far and few between. So my bed wasn't exactly christened the way I wanted it to be. And now, I ended up crying. Out of all the new guys, I cared about him the most. I like him as a person, as a friend and lover. Actually if I had to choose, I would choose his friendship over sex. He makes me laugh like no one else.

Kind of said about this...what a damn deadly muffin! Oh Ironically the ex called during and wanted to come over to work on the computer. Good thing I screamed at him the night before about popping over like he had been doing. Phew....I had left the door open while we were screwing...lol

Tiger Woods- Is it really our business?!?!

Wow....cheating is in the air. Yes, America's Golf Idol has been caught cheating. Why is everyone so surprised? Let's be realistic here, he fits the typical Type A perfectionist of power profile--high powered attorneys, men in top positions, politicians, sports figures, hollywood figures...men of power are usually cheaters. Whether they think they can get away with it, they are above all, whatever the reason--Tiger Woods is really a perfect example. Maybe because we all thought of him as a little boy who rose to stardom. Well he is a man. His wife actually looks like a little teenager, a Barbie doll. The woman he has an affair with, did you all notice they had amazingly succulent lips? Hmmmm....

Now he should have been smarter, don't ya think? Ashley Madison dear man. You should have chosen a married woman who would not want to rock his world. Not single woman who are looking for the public eye (and money). Ironically, this whole thing came to a head (hehe) because he cheated on the girl he was cheating on and she found out.

Well Tiger Woods, extramarital affairs always come out. However, I gotta say, I am shocked and kind of repulsed on how it is on every news channel with commentators debating it. Like it is a war, a missing child, a serial murderer. Please, the man had a few extramarital affairs. Quite honestly, it is between him and his wife. My opinion, most people like Tiger Woods, so leave the guy alone. It's sad and I am sure overwhelming. Think about it, if a regular person gets busted, their life turns becomes a whirlwind. I can't imagine having the world talking about it.

and then there is Mr. Porsche's take on it. He is saying how Tiger getting caught is bad for the entire male race of adulterers. Wives all across America are checking their husband's phones to see the numbers that they have callen. I mean, if clean cut Tiger Woods is having an affair, what about my husband. Yes, woman are bringing it up at the dinner table and in the bedroom. A perfect way to see your husband's reaction. A perfect way to see if he has a guilt attack or begins to shake.

So my take on it. Leave Tiger Woods alone. Give him and his wife a little room. And to everyone else who is cheating, remember, I always say....erase those text messages, emails and phone logs!!!!

My Pussy Gallery

And you didn't think I would find a frog pussy did ya??!

Speechless....they say a picture is worth a thousand words so here ya go!!

Nine Frogs and No Little Sex

I watched this show last night...Hoarding. Did you ever see it?! Crazy how people's entire homes become a garbage dump. they can't part with anything. An excellent show to watch before you clean your house. Giving you incentive to throw, throw, throw! Boy, am I going to look at something differently before I throw it out.

It was a real tough weekend here. Hubby is packing to move out and has begun to move stuff to his new apartment. It's small but it is nice. I am jealous in some ways. He gets to leave the craziness behind and start over. He gets to sleep late, sleep through the night and do whatever he wants to do. My life will not be like that. I began throwing out tons of stuff this weekend. I don't want stuff anymore. All it does is collect dust and make a mess.

I reclaimed the bedroom and like a baby, he refused to do anything around this house. yes, he is moving out but realistically the mess, the dirt and the kids messes....are being done while he is still here. He didn't take out the garbage, didn't want to help with the kids and he knew I had to work today...he ran out early so I couldn't work. these are his kids too.

On to other things.....I sat down last night and thought about the frogs I am communicating with. And in final count, there were 11! Now, 11 frogs...I should be screwing day and night. Looking at the list, I realized that some I have been talking a long time. Some men just need that jump in their pants, that quick email/sex text to give them that quick high for the day.

Sadly, MM was not on that list. I miss him. He won't answer an email. I miss what we had. Flashbacks of us while bring a smile to my face, then leave a sadness and void. I never expected anything from him, except those three hours together of total paradise. Last night, I had done a search of my emails and all his emails popped up. I just opened a few and got the giggles. The man was brilliant at sexual emails. He had the sexiness, the creativity, originality and intelligents to give excellent email. And he brought the same out of me. I don't even give email like that except with him. He could get me so excited to the point that I had to masturbate to focus again. The email foreplay before we met made me so wet and rush for the room like an animal in heat. I couldn't wait to touch his lips and his cock...damn, I miss that frogging.

Governor Mark Sanford...not an affair expert?

My oh my oh my. Governor Mark Sanford should be the poster child for Ashley Madison. I mean he is the perfect example of what NOT to do if you are having an affair. I feel sorry for the man, he got caught up in the affair. He got sucked into that excitement, that overwhelming desire and passion of having an affair. Now let's look at it here....the man left his state with no one knowing where he was for six days. Geez, come on, I don't care if you are Governor or a janitor of a building, people are going to notice that you are MIA. Crap, lie a little here. Call in...get a cell phone that you can use out of the country. Say you are going with some buddies to Argentina but you HAD to know someone was going to notice you were missing.

The line that made me feel bad for him was:
"Despite the best efforts of my head, my heart cries out for you."

How in the world this lightning strike snuck up on us I am still not quite sure," he wrote, after praising the curve of her hip and her tan lines.

He got so caught up in the affair. The man lost his mind. He cared nothing about anyone or who found out. He had to know that he was going to get caught but he didn't care. For some reason I don't think he was rushing down there to break up with her as he had said. Realistically, that doesn't add up. Logically, she was either ending it and he couldn't handle it OR he just had to have her, couldn't wait any longer till their next meeting. The flashbacks were taking over, his penis was doing the thinking.

Yup, another politician who gave up his life for an affair. But you gotta admit, she is a beautiful woman at least. I mean Spitzer gave up his life for an escort. the ones who get hurt, are the kids. Sanford's four sons will have this follow them for the rest of their lives.

Was It Pleasure or Pain? How Many Orgasms Is Too Much?

As I had told you..I had been so damn horny I was jumping out of my skin. All I could think about was having sex....images of being thrusted from behind just filled my head...and Mr. Porsche couldn't resist a damsel in sexual distress.

He cleared his afternoon (which isn't easy so I did appreciate that) but he hit lots of traffic. I got the hotel room and waited naked in the bed for him. A prelude to this, I had masturbated earlier because I didn't want to cum immediately....but I still was damn horny. The anticipation was driving me crazy. The room has this little sitting area that if anyone wanted to watch us from outside....they certainly could see through the thin drapes. And this room also did not have the best sound proofing. Last time, we could hear a couple moaning in the next room.

I was certainly in a playful mood and I truly wanted to dominant and take control today. AND of course, that doesn't happen with Mr. Porsche. you would think he could let me take control even a little....nope. It's not an option for him which does annoys me. My vision was for him to come to the door and I would throw him up against the wall and I would attack him. I had to remember...that was Mystery Man..over, done....move on.

To entertain me, I had taken a body crayon I had found in the bottom of my bag. Hmm...I decided to mark off the areas of concentration for him with big arrows, I circled and pointed to my nipples, my lips and my pussy. I didn't want to waste time for him to find the important spots.

I am now getting frustrated. I mean what is taking so long...the phone rings, "where are you? I can't wait anymore, I may die of horniness!" He laughs...I'm still a little away..just relax and think of how wonderful I am going to make you feel. I have plans for you today". And with that sinister laugh, I felt my heart jump and my nipples harden. Little did I know what he had planned.

I hung up the phone and there was a knock on the door. I was startled. Who the hell is this? I should have known....you see Mr. Porsche loves to keep me off guard. It was him, I was shocked. I opened the door and stood beside it totally naked. He smiled. He walked in and I leaned into him...wanting to push him up against the door but that wasn't his plan. Giggling he said..wait, let me get settled...go lay down...pouting, I did. And then he saw the arrows and gave me that look. The look that I get from lovers when they think I am insane but truly loving it. I began reaching for him from the bed and he quickly put a blindfold on me.

"Hey...I want to see you, I want to attack you"....but I gave in. A blindfold always gives me that extra edge to experiment and it even increases my desire to experiment. I think its the fact that I can't see my body flaws...silly as it sounds but if I see one of my body flaws during sex, my orgasm declines and my mind wanders..with a blindfold, its as if he can't see them either.

So now I am on the end of the bed, reaching for him. Listening to his sounds as he undresses and trying to reach for his cock. Almost got it...but he managed to come around and smack me in the face with it a few times. I was hysterical laughing. There is nothing like a cock coming out of no where and smacking ya in the face and then when you grab for it...it is gone. I felt like it was a Mexican pinata...and if I gave it one good grab....all the prizes would come my way.

I was an easy prey since I had the blindfold on....he gently reached for my hand and kissed me...a luscious kiss...filled with passion and with the kiss, there was a japanese rope slipped on my wrist. I bucked like a wild animal fighting the other hand to be bound. This isn't what I wanted, I wanted control. But Mr. Porsche won..he is not the biggest man but he is so damn strong. The second arm was tied behind my back, any hope of control was gone.

He unpacked his toys and threw them on the bed...and proceeded to kiss, lick and nibble on each of my pointed areas....first my lips and then he moved to each nipple and moved his way to my pussy. I could hear myself moaning...I wanted sex today. I wanted to orgasm and he was going to take me there.

But first, he wanted to hypnotize me. I truly love it. It makes me relax. It makes my body total release all the stresses. I literally go deeper and deeper as I listen to his voice. Oh how I love it when he gets my body to agree that each sensation is heightened....that each gentle touch makes my body tingle and my clit fill to almost explosion. He has feasted on my nipples which he absolutely loves. I know that is his favorite part of my body....he sucks on them and nibbles on them like they were a succulent delicacy....its hot. And then his fingers begin to spread my lips. He first puts his fingers in my mouth and has me suck them and then he goes to my clit doing circles....inserting one finger and then two...I can feel my back arching a little. I am determined to hold off...I try not to cum. He knows I am fighting it and well....he is determined to make me cum. It's a control thing. Now that I look back, I realize that is probably the only thing I can control in this state....and like a spoiled child I am going to be stubborn. Hold back that orgasm.

However, he is prepared for my resistance....and he bites my nipples as if he knew what I was thinking....there is such a fine line between pleasure and pain and with my body in such a relaxed state, the bite sends explosive sparks throughout my whole body. He now inserts my favorite toy...oh I know it well...and my body responds...deep inside of me, you can feel and hear the wetness now. Suck on my fingers as if it were my cock....the deeper you go, the more intense your orgasm will be....in this relaxed state, I am able to take his two fingers deep into my throat without even a gag.

He is determined to make me cum. And now he is back at working my pussy....the toy going in and out and now he means business. He knows that my ass is so damn sensitive and can make me cum....he begins to insert anal beads...I am trying to resist but the wave is coming stronger and stronger....the beads are in place and now he thrusts the toy deep inside of me and it goes deeper and deeper and the feeling to cum is just overwhelming, I can't resist anymore...and with a moan and my back arching....my body begins to pulsate and the juices flowing...it was intense, it was amazing.

But Mr. Porsche is not satisfied with that one hot orgasmic orgasm. This is where it becomes a true question of what feels good and what feels too good...I need a minute or two...my clit is always so sensitive, I need ride the orgasmic wave but he won't allow that. He is determined to make me orgasm over and over again. He now goes in with his fingers. You see, he recently found my G Spot. Oh he as found it before but the last few weeks, it is as if there is a button there and he knows exactly where to go. The orgasmic wave comes again and I am literally thrashing on the bed...squirming and almost begging him to stop. At this point, my mind is in a state of confusion. you have to remember, he stripped me down, all my walls had been down, my body in relaxation and then all these orgasms...it was too much for me.

One second it felt amazing and the next it was painful. My head was relaxed, orgasming...I don't know...is it possible that it was too much excitement at once? He was biting my nipples and hitting my Gspot and I was screaming now and moaning (and the people in the next room heard us!) I heard the man say somethign about sex (yes the walls are thin). Geez, I was so damn loud...but it was almost like an out of body experience....and suddenly...Tears started to roll down my face. I can't explain it, I wasn't crying because of something...my body was responding...I have never cried during sex but the tears were flowing and I was shocked..."please give me a minute, please I need a minute". But he wasn't backing down...he continued to make me orgasm again and again..."pull out the beads...come on, you have more...pull out the beads".....And with my last bit of energy, I pulled out the beads and a moan of pleasure escaped me.....he flipped me over and I was beyond exhaustion....all I remember saying is my hands, my hands..you have to take off the ropes...please...I combination of severe pain and a desire to be free overwhelmed me.

It wasn't his fault, the ropes get tighter and tighter the more you resist. As you can imagine, I was pulling and pulling and they were cutting into my skin. He quickly removed them and the blind fold as I lied on my stomach attempting to collect myself. I couldn't sort out what I was feeling. It was a combination of every emotion possible. It was amazing yet disturbing. It felt great yet there was pain. It was overwhelming to the point of crying. WOW...it was intense and I enjoyed myself but I couldn't put my finger on if I liked it. I've never really gotten to the point where I couldn't sort out my feelings. Think about it..in life we know what we are feeling and can categorize it. I couldn't categorize this at all.

My wrists were left with marks....geez..good thing I wear bracelets and a watch..I had rope marks on my hands. Now that would be great if I got into an accident...can you imagine the forensic reports...unexplained rope marks on her hands...it was starting to turn a little black and blue. I lied there for a second....caught my breath..he took the mask off and kissed me gently. After a few deep breaths...I got my shit together....I am a fighter...I am not going to give up....laying exhausted on the bed I lifted my head up and turned to him with a sheepish smile and look and sternly said...."So are you going to fuck me today or what?" He laughed and placed the condom on and entered me from behind...our fingers entwined as he thrusted from behind. Mmmmmmm.......when his cock is hard..it feels so good. As he fills me up...it sends a balance throughout my body...I turn my head back and we begin to passionately kiss and I suck on his tongue as he goes deeper and deeper inside of me.

Mr, Porsche never comes in me. After I orgasmed again (and yes, he was right, he could blow on me and I would probably keep orgasming)....I went to work sucking his cock. Oh it is work to get him to cum but I am determined. Massaging his balls, and rubbing his cock..my lips working it up and down.....I was going to make him cum....as I went near his ass, it wasn't feeling so great for him....I laughed..after all you did to me and my ass you expect me to stop?!? I did but talk about a hypocrite....Finally after my fingers and mouth sucking his cock with determination....he began to cum and I opened my mouth wide...the cum squirted inside and literally made a pool in my mouth....my mouth was filled with cum and it was all over....I think he came a gallon...lol

I crawled my way up to his arms, and we laid there entwined. I love being in a man's arms. I miss and crave that affection...but today, something wasn't right. He was distant. I love to passionately kiss but his kisses weren't passionate. There was something there...a wall...something wasn't right. That pussycat wasn't there today....I felt as if...he was doing this because he had to not wanted to. Like...okay, here is your scheduled 10 minutes you require. I just got up after a few minutes and went into the shower. He followed and knew something was up...I don't pass up cuddle time.

His demeanor changed...he was chatty now and realized something was up with me and I asked..are you okay? Which when I say it a certain way...has a what the fuck was that tone... I'm stressed....I have a lot on my mind, its not you. What is it? And we showered talking about stuff that was bothering him. Things I understood about the pressure, about missing out on family things because of problems at work, major problems at work he was having....I am so glad we can talk. It feels so good to me to know we communicate like that and that I can be there for him.

So....it is days later....and I am still not sure what to make of the day. Giving up all your control is not an easy thing, well its not easy for me. I can't even tell you how many times I orgasmed or how many times I screamed of pleasure. But its the lack of control that makes me uneasy. Let's just say....he succeeded...I have not been horny again until today. Once in awhile, a day like that is different, fun to experiment but I need passionate, controlled by me sex too! Hmmmmm....an emotional rollercoaster....but I wanted to experiment...so no complaints....

The last few days, my mindset has been changing. It's good...it's scary....I have been really examining my life. More tomorrow...this is a long ass post....

Got the Mediator, Side Note..the sexual tension is unbearable

I spoke to a friend, lawyer I had met on facebook awhile back, who is excellent at what he does. No, we haven't had sex...he is my ice cream buddy. We go for ice cream sometimes and just talk about life (we've kissed...licked the ice cream off of each others faces is the most sexual contact we have ever had). He is also going through a rough time...they even went to a divorce attorney, his wife lost her job and then they proceedings stopped.

Reality, the hubby can't afford a lawyer. So if I want a divorce, it is going ot have to be through mediation. I got a name and I am calling today. I can't meet her alone I don't think....we have to meet at the same time I think. I am going to call today.

I wish I had a crystal ball...dom't we all?

As a side note, I have been searching Ashley Madison and found two men. Here's a hint gentleman....when you are trying to impress a woman and she asks..have you had an affair? She really doesn't want to know detail to detail....I mean explicit details of the sex and how amazingly hot and what a perfect body she had. And how she could give a blow job like no one else. Hmmm...just a hint. Especially even when you finished the conversation and he sent a note that she gave the best blow job he ever had. Hmmmm....I needed to know that...why? and even as an after thought. I started laughing. He's either really stupid or really dumb...lmao
So I put him to the curb. Two others, spoke to but my heart isn't into it. How ironic, since MM is gone, i haven't wanted to find another. I'm not waiting for him...he is gone (ok, a glimmer wishes he would decide he is horny, call me and we can fuck for hours)...but I haven't felt the desire for the search.

Today, I am soooooo damn horny. Poor Mr. Porsche...he's in a meeting and I call him. He picks up and says everything ok? With people in front of him....I asked...am I on speaker? No..he said. I said GOOD....I think you should stop the world right now and come over here and satisfy my because I am soooooo damn horny and need your cock right now. All you could hear was laughter from him. And a thanks, that is going to help me finish this meeting...lol He's so cute...I love shocking him like that....keeping him on his toes...keeping him young. Spontaneous....erotic...passion...hot sex....oh man...I need the world to stop right now and for me to let go of all this build of tension.....

Did I dream it?

All of a sudden, its as if the hubby said nothing. He gets annoyed when we were out shopping and he was ridiculing our child about a selection on bedroom furniture. That's gay looking and ugly. Hey, its my kids choice...keep your stupid comments to yourself. I brought him there to select what he wanted for his room. And it was his choice...I just looked at the hubby and said...so for your own bed when you move out, you can get the other one. He immediately shut up and started talking under his breath. I proceeded to work with my son to see if we could mix and match and if the colors were the same. They were very close so he chose what he wanted.

I did a lot around the house this weekend. I am outside, trimming the landscape, planting plants while the son and hubby are watching LaCrosse on tv. amazing....Anyway, I am happy with what I got done and scarily...I do worry about doing it all. I still have so much to do and its hard by myself.

Mr. Porsche has been a little distant. I am still not sure...when we are on the phone, things are fine. But we haven't been together in over three weeks. We talk all the time, saw each other for lunch but no afternoon rendezvous'. We are in a weird place right now. He says he wants my help for work but then he says hes afraid that its going to cost too much...he can't afford me. geez, I take that as an insult...I barely charge him anything and I give him everything at cost. Not sure if he meant me or the whole idea of expanding. Anyway, there is friction. I wrote him and asked, he didn't answer. I am sure it will come up again.

Today we spoke.....he had heard a commercial that I did and he was laughing. He was shocked to hear my voice coming through his radio...hahahahha...he can't escape me....didn't mention us meeting, didn't mention anything really although it was a great conversation..he's callling later, I am sure it will come up then.

Went on Ashley Madison again.....just to browse...but I am still not up to the cat and mouse game right now. Two guys on there that I met were SMOKIN. I mean they were certainly every girls dream. However, with my confidence so shot lately, I had decided not to pursue them at this time. They both took it as rejection and ironically they are pursuing me even harder now. As one said...I am never rejected, now I see what it feels like and it sucks. I explained that it wasn't rejection...I was just busy. I guess women are never busy for them...lol

Okay, one last thing.....I am going to be putting a comment approval on the site before a post is allowed to be posted. I love the comments and I encourage them...you guys are a huge support to me. You don't have to agree with me, you don't have to like what I am doing or even support me....BUT I will not be disrespected on my own site. "You get what you deserve comments" from someone who can't even claim an identity....I am not going to stand here and have someone who wishes me harm on my site. You dom't have to agree, you don't have to encourage..you can even disagree with me BUT to hope I fall flat on my face and wish me harm.....nope, I am not entertaining those comments.

So...please continue to comment....there shouldn't be that big of a delay because I have my blackberry. And for the gentleman who commented and didn't think I would get it because he posted on an earlier post...I do get them. And yes, Ashley is not just filled with fuck me and leave me people. Therre are people on there for many different reasons....and filling a void like you explained is exactly why I am there...

xoxoxox ALL....Enjoy the day!!

The Devil's Elf- Spreading the Ashley Madison Secret

Yes, the underground world of Ashley Madison. A secret place that most married people do not know exists. A double life with a seductive side. So hot, so exciting...yet we walk around in the real world and no one knows we are a member of this secret society. Makes you think, how many people do you know are members of OTHER secret societies that we just don't know about. A newscaster gets murdered in is apartment and was found to be soliciting 16 year olds on Facebooks. Yikes....not the way you want to leave this world.

So should I feel guilty that I tell people about a secret society that gives me so much pleasure! I mean lets face it....if it wasn't for Ashley Madison and the secret married but looking world, if I didn't find that having an extramarital affair was so damn hot and fulfilling, I would be miserable now. I have learned so much about myself and my body. I have found sinful joy...sinful lust and most importantly hot, hot, did I say super hot sex!

I would never know the joy of orgasming until your body is in bliss. I would never know the sensation of a blindfold and a lover who can do me in so many different position that I am amazed there is even that many positions. I have tried anal sex and loved it. I have tried whipped cream, chocolate pudding, pop rocks and numerous other items. I have felt lustful, passionate sex as well as slow, intense sex.....I have met lots of people and have even advanced my career.....lol

My point?! I have one friend who is going wild on there, literally screwing about six guys. I worry about her safety, I do not want to be responsible for that. I also just introduced a friend from childhood to the secret society. A boy that I knew when I was 7! His marriage is really bad and he was telling me and I was biting my tongue and not saying anything and after three weeks of chatting, I finally said--you should check out Ashley Madison. He has now joined and has two meetings next week. Why do I feel responsible? Why do I feel like I am helping spread the devil's message? Like the devil's elf! I guess I am so happy with Ashley, I want others who are miserable to find this special lustful place!

Today I got an email from one of the guys I have been chatting with. We are going to go slow and be friends? He confessed this morning that the past three days he has looked at my picture and masturbated...my oh my! I asked him..... was I good? What a bizarre feeling to know you are sleeping and someone is looking at your pix and jerking off. Hmmmm.....gotta think how I feel about that...

Well today is another day...you know my theory, leave yesterday behind. And I am glad I left yesterday behind, I was in a bad place. Working hard to stay positive today....I love Fridays. It's my day off. Well its technically my day off but I have never taken the day off. But it feels good to feel like you are catching up on the week (even though I am working just as hard)...hmm..something isn't right about that.

Enjoy the day!!!!!!!

Sex Recycling, Going Green?

What do I want? That is the question I asked myself today. The inner soul is restless and I feel like I am inbetween right now. On my way to a destination but just not there. So where am I going? I asked myself today, if I could have my life a certain way, how would it be.....of course only being able to change the things I have control of. Someones health, I don't. But what would I want from the things I could control. And the answer....to be free! Have my home life under control with a clean house, the children taken care and my business efficiently working and being successful. So what would I change? I would grow my business with additional help so I could work less, divorce my husband, work out, take care of me and just enjoy sex. It could be with one lover or many. But I need to be sexually fulfilled....when you are not sexually fulfilled, you end up procrastinating in all aspects of your life.


Today, I began the day masturbating. I can't take this horniness and I find it hard to focus. I tried to work but wasn't getting anywhere so I returned to bed, removed my pants, got out the vibrator and began my little escapades. My clit is sooo sensitive these days. Some circles and you can feel the wetness in my pussy. Dipping in one finger, I use the juices to stimulate my clit. Hmmmm.....is that considered going green? I am recycling the juices, re-using them for another purpose....not using oils....wow, I guess we are talking Sex Recycling--Going Green! Of course, do not do that with condoms....now we are talking a whole other story....lol

I love when a man's cock enters me...the feeling of my walls spreading...its such a turn on so today the vibrator played that role.....mmm...I came in seconds with all the wetness and my clit was pulsating...that amazing rush came over me.....how I love to orgasm. Still better with a man...but it was good. It's so interesting how we all have our own maturbating techniques...no two are the same...its a unique approach to make you reach ecstasy.....mmmmmm.....

So, now I am going to sit here and think of Sex Recycling, Going Green.....will have to put it on my website. LOL

Created A Sex Maniac

So if you remember awhile back, I turned a friend onto Ashley Madison. She has a boyfriend but quite frankly, he's a stick in the mud. She is like his pretend wife, running errands for him, taking care of his children......hmmm...doesn't sound exciting to me. And I could see she was missing something. So, I told her to go to Ashley.

Well, well, well....she has really been living it up. I can't even keep track of her. She has been with more men in the last three weeks then I think I have in the last three years. Her days are filled with lunch sex, after work sex, evening dinners and blowjobs. She is doing it in motels, back of cars.....she is going WILD! And she likes each man for a different reason so it is hard for her to choose. A similiar situation happened to her...the man she was with, the first one who she liked a lot, kept his distance. She felt it was over. She hadn't heard from him in a few weeks. And then he popped in again. Is that the norm? Why do men do that? Women need to know where they stand....men seem to not care. Women look for closure...men seem to be okay with things lingering and they assume you have been sitting around waiting for them.

This guy is her MM. She had a great time with him. He melted her. I am beginning to think it may be that motel. I recommended her to go there and they had an amazing time. Well, now she is a regular there. Funny story, she was with one man at 11AM there and then returned that evening to the same motel with another guy. WOW.....half jokingly I told her that the motel is going to think you are a prostitute. So now she keeps thanking me for telling her about Ashley Madison Agency. I keep telling her not to thank me that I did not create this, she is the one who has chosen this life now. I just gave her the website address. the girl is flying high! It is so funny.

I don't know, silly as it may sound. I have never been with any guy to the motel where Mystery Man and I went. That was our place. Such memories, such fun, such a connection--I wouldn't be able to do someone else in that motel. And that is a great place.....but its as if it is our place. I wonder if he ever took anyone else there? I hope not. I know it is silly but I don't think I can ever do anyone else there. Too many flashbacks, too much amazing sex....

So I guess I created a sex maniac. Geez, I don't want that on my head. Today she went to a psychiatrist's office and screwed him on his couch....lol I think she had two guys dicks in her mouth every day this week....her vibrator must miss her terribly!

God Bless The Frogs Today, The Venom Was Flying

Okay, I admit it. Today I was in rare form. Any male who came within inches of me felt the bite of my venom....yes, it had to be me today because I was at in rare form. First, Security Man....I finally figured it out about him. His sarcasm is bordering insulting at times, or its not insulting as it is designed to get a rise out of me. Well have you noticed lately, I have had more than enough drama in my life so when I finally hit it on the head---for a man who requested no drama--he was being the King Of Drama. So I finally said...listen you are working hard to get a rise out of me today but it isn't going to work....you love drama don't you? Well I hit a nerve, but now I went for it. Look, my life is drama..if you need drama, hang with your wife. I am not into any more in my life. He was shocked. And then he apologized and the emails took a nicer but definitely different tone. I don't know, since MM is gone...I haven't really wanted to see him.. as if I am blaming him for MM leaving but that isn't the truth. It was me.

Mr. P certainly didn't get away from the venom. We were working great together and suddenly we came to a roadblock. Oh it hit a nerve and I began to discuss it intensely with him and then he said something and I could feel the volcano eruption occurring.....when I get like that....I can't explain it....I can feel the anger about to explode....when I get like that, I just hang up on him. It's the easiest and safest thing for both of us. He knows me so well (and now I am laughing but I wasn't then)....he waits a little bit and then will call back and calmly talk to me, beginning with ....somehow we got discounted, can you believe it!?! And then he will say--the answer is NO, you are still going to work with me, I need you. We then usually will start on neutral ground and we work it out. It's hard, so emotionally close to the situation its tough to not want to see him progress quickly.

Next Round....one more client. The doctor from Ashley who became my client. Similiar situation today, he was going to handle it. Okay...fine I said. However, when I got to his office, the right players were there and the end result was great. No problems...

Final Round...the hubby. Last night he made a comment under his breath "I can't wait to get the fuck out of here". Well, I waited till tonight..when something else came up. And I finally said you can't wait to get the fuck out....GO!!!! It was getting ugly....oh and if you think I am going to come back like the guy across the street and take care of the kids for you, its not happening. Aaah....of course not, I can't get you to take care of them now....you wouldn't be a good dad, I knew that...please....

So today, I was a fighter not a lover. Except for the hubby, the others were fights that ended in good ways. The hubby, well trust me, he is showing his true colors. He's only here because he can't afford to leave. That is the reality..

And, throw all this crap....somehow I miss MM....I think the anger is here. The anger he would just leave....double damn standard...no response from him after I wrote....he gave me what I needed...I make one mistake...a blog...and he is in total uproar.

So....today was an emotionally draining day.....I just want to cry. Oh, good news...my friend finally arrived so I guess I should cancel the appearance on the Maury show....lol

An Empty Crater In My Heart

I started the day off in a real bad way. Feeling overworked and sad and ALONE. I have worked like a dog today and I feel so unappreciated. A client calls today-yes, the one who made me cry. All of a sudden he was sweeter than sugar. He needed me for something. Yes, it's this one client that truly takes advantage and works me to the bone.

My phone rang again. It was a friend who had bad news....my child's friend had died in their sleep. Secret Lovers Lane is not a place for kids, but with my life entwining so lately....and my emotions in flux..my different parts of my life are crossing. A sinking feeling and tears filled my eyes. With out getting into detail, we all dedicate our lives to our children....however, with a child with severe disabilities....the dedication is tremendous. You give your heart, your soul, your life...my heart ached for this mom today. And I have not been able to get this child's face out of my head. A child who was always happy and smiling and always filled my heart with warmth when I saw him. This child was extremely special demonstrating amazing strength with so much working against him. So I have a wake next week that is going to be heart wrenching.

The rest of the day, I threw myself into my work. Trying not to come out of it but the emptiness was so deep that it actually hurt. My chest hurts today. I kind of looked around and said What am I doing? I work like crazy to pay for a house, doing a job that I am underpaid for and stuck in a marriage that is loveless and not able to spend quality time with my children. Something
isn't right here.

And then....Mystery Man came to my head. Yes, my heart is aching for him too. How I wish that I could run to him and just get lost in his arms. How I can see us lying together as I gently kiss his face from his lips to his ear and so gently back again. How flashbacks of us fucking from behind as I look up at him and I can feel our souls connect and he would smile and throw me a kiss in the mirror. I don't know how we can leave that behind.....how I realize now how he was my escape from it all. How our bodies just melded together and our souls healed each other. I have held myself back all night from sending him an email...just saying I had to let you know, I Miss You So Much Tonight. But I didn't send it.

the truth is I don't even want to go upstairs tonight. The tears are finally falling now and I am not sure exaclty why I am crying. I think its the just the whole ball of wax...hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I haven't felt like this in a long time.....a definite depression. Sweet Dreams My Friend!!

Afraid of Getting Old and All Stressed!

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