Spinning Round and Round

My brain is basically frozen these days with what seems like a fog. There is a big knot in my stomach as I feel D Day is approaching. My D Day is actually the signing of the separation papers. So many tiny details that have to be carefully orchestrated....Why am I on eggshells?

Financially, I have made a big investment in this divorce. It's definitely draining me. You see, its a strategic planning. The papers aren't signed yet but there are things I need to start negotiating (his messes) in order to free myself. I want to walk away with none of his blemishes on my new life. However, if I negotiate too much of it, he can refuse to sign, I have straightened out his life and I walk away without the house. A lot of pressure here. And, I have to work on my plans for my business and clients. I need to be assured that I get paid for my work more than ever.

As for the hubby, if I don't get an ulcer from him--it will be amazing. It's as if he is trying to get a rise out of me. Not taking out the garbage, not taking care of the kids, just laying like a blob in the house. I have two more weeks of this and I don't know if I am going to be able to take it. Actually, the papers for separation get signed this week. I just have to keep my cool for a couple of more days but I have to say it is getting tougher and tougher to try and be nice. Last night, I locked myself in my room. In fear if I didn't I would explode. Long Term Benefits....Long Term Benefits was all I could say. I mean the man goes around singing songs that relate to lovers breaking up and cruel people. As stupid as it sounds, since I am not a terrible person, he knows he is laying the guilt on me. As stupid as he may be, he's very manipulative in other ways.

And he keeps touching me, knowing that it is annoying me. At least its when I am up. His theory was that we should sleep together one last time. I looked at him like he had three heads. No, I don't think so. He was looking for a good by fuck. Hmmmm.....NOOOOO!! I haven't slept with the man in three years so I would want to do it now why?!?!?! Sadly, the thought of it repulses me. So the combination of his ignore the kids, singing, blobbish attitude and looking to suck me dry---all the confirmations why we need to get divorced. All I keep telling myself..three more weeks and I can start a new life. It's going to be lonely in some ways. I work a lot, am home a lot and while it may not seem like it from my blog....I have been living a life of solitude these past few months. Oh a man here or there but mostly on the phone and emails. Lots of masturbation and phone sex. Basically no sex.

On another note, my lips to MM. thanks for all your great comments. Lip gloss can really shine those baby's up. When I think about wrapping them around MM, my mouth literally waters at the thought and they begin to pucker. Guess its like the knee reaction when the doctor checks your reflexes...lol I have not heard back from him. Not a word in two months. It's really unfair playing ground, if he wants to know about me, he could just come to my blog. What really sucks is that I go to his fake email. He doesn't check it all the time. So I feel like I send it to a black hole. Never knowing if or when he gets it. Maybe he is repulsed at the thought of being with me or having been with me, like I am repulsed at the thought of being with my husband. If I had my choice....I would love to fuck him once a month. Just enough to get my sexual desires fulfilled and that would give him the distance he needs. He's so damn stubborn....lol