There is nothing drastically different today than other days. But tonight, I am feeling truly alone. First time I think EVER. Mr. Porsche and I have been in a little bit of a bad place these past few days. He is going to be gone for most of february. Oh he is going out of his way to see me this week but reality smacked me in the head. I know, Valentine's day is so stupid. It's a holiday made up by Hallmark to sell lots of cards but I am going to be alone on Valentine's Day.
And quite frankly tonight I feel more alone then I have ever felt. I examined each of the men on my list and pretty much they are all gone or 1/2 there. Mr. Security and I were suppose to get together again today--and he once again booked appointments. Mr. Astronaut is undercover again. Mr. Fate, well because of the kids--I couldn't go out and there you go again, the men not understanding who are single. Basically, I think he's gone now. Mr. Perfect, who doesn't have phone manner is also gone.
I am basically alone right now. First time in my life I think. It's a funky feeling. The void is deep, very deep. Actually, I think its deeper because I don't feel like going online and dealing with more losers. So while I am alone, this is a real alone that I see no end to.
I am thinking to try to do some work this weekend. Try to get the house in order. Try to do all those things that need to get done. I probably need this time, its just so hard when its staring you in the face.
January and february have always been tough months for me. I seem to get really down during this time. It will pass. I will be okay. I guess its a good time to find me right now.
5 comments:
Yes, as most of us have said to you in the past, you need to find you. Nothing wrong with working around the house and once things are done, to me it's a great feeling of accomplishment.
Can't predict about VD (that sounded bad huh?). It's still like 16 days away. Anything can happen between now and then.
If not a guy, find a g/friend to go out with or spend with your kids (they are your valentine) if you think about it!!
Usually we regard loneliness as an enemy. Heartache is not something we choose to invite in. It’s restless and pregnant and hot with the desire to escape and find something or someone to keep us company. When we can rest in the middle, we begin to have a nonthreatening relationship with loneliness, a relaxing and cooling loneliness that completely turn our usual fearful patterns upside down.
What I’ve just shared with you is from a book called “When things fall Apart” by Pema Chodron. I read this book when I was separated from my husband. I was sad, lonely and afraid. Having never taken the time, to know, understand me. There I was suddenly confronted with me, myself and I. This book helped me realize and accept allot of things about myself. With that said, think about self (YOU) excluding thoughts of what you think you need, and imagine yourself the person you desire to be.
Blessing to you,
Meagan
Thank you both so much. Your kind words truly lifted up my spirits. Truth is, I knew this is what it was going to be like at times and I told myself...you need to do this for you and your children.
Discovery of oneself can be a very long, grueling and painful process. It comes slow and there will be a lot of downs and ups along the way. I started my journey a long time ago...its just now I am truly alone. But its okay.
After I wrote my post, I started to straighten the house, began going through some piles of work and did little things. I felt a little better.
Ironically, within the 1/2 hour, Mr. Perfection asked me out for lunch tomorrow and Mr. Fate sent an email saying he wished I could go out and meet him tonight. It shouldn't have made a difference but it did..I guess I felt wanted.
But, like you both wrote...most importantly, I need to find me.
Glad things are looking up. If you get really lonely, you can post nude pics of yourself and us readers will have a lovely Valentines day!
Well Cheri Baby you alweays have me - out there in the blog world at least you are never alone...
XOXO as always,
Wifey
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