Everyone Has Their Own Dirty Little Secrets..I just share mine with you!

Interesting how a psychologist could be so opinionated and condescending....you would think he would be a little less judgmental....hmmmm.....but he did get me thinking in his obnoxious remarks. (I deleted his comments and surprisingly he wrote his real name too!)

He commented that I am where I was a year ago. I looked around and I am glad to report...I am soooo not where I was a year ago. Oh, I still have not found Mr. Married Prince Charming and I still don't understand the male race. I am still playing around with Married Men on Ashley and Philanderers.....however.......I am not at all in the same frame of mind.

A year ago, I felt desperate. I was spiraling down and life seemed out of control. the void was so deep, I didn't see any answers and I didn't see an out. I felt like a trapped rat. While things are still not as I would like--I have a different perspective. I have learned and I have grown with each of my experiences. I am headed in a new direction, I am more secure, my stronger, independent self is beginning to return and I am taking steps in the right direction.

Rome wasn't built in a year....and well, I am not going to be able to solve my situation in that time either. I have started to untwine myself from my husband monetarily. We each have our own career now AND we are both working (thankfully). I am very successful at my new career. I am good at what I do and it is empowering for me. I do feel that at the rate that hubby and I continue to grow apart.....divorce seems inevitable. Of course, you are all not stupid and you know I am not either. Obviously, there is something that is holding me back more than a typical marriage. There is a lot more that those who have read my blog may figure out and then you would understand. My life is more complicated than most. And sadly, I am realizing that I do not think that I love him anymore. Before, I was thinking it was our financial problems and all the other crap. Now I am realizing (and very sadly in fact) that I have lost so much respect for him and we have grown so far apart. I don't think we could find common ground. In fact, I have began to tell my family that its not looking so good for us so the shock won't be overwhelming.

Honestly, my extramarital affairs helped me deal with the loneliness, the desperation and it took me to another world that I truly think I needed for survival. I don't need that world like that anymore. It's different now. And I can honestly say these affairs did not break my marriage up at all. they didn't make it any worse. My marriage is exactly what is it......the problems are not because I am in love with someone else. The problems are what they are.

And my sexuality has grown. I am more confident with me and you know what. It shows in my real world. It's empowering.....its exciting. I love masturbating, I love orgasms, I love sex. Hey for a girl who thought she was asexual.....that's pretty damn amazing.

And what hasn't changed. The void is still there. But you know what, I have learned from these sites. The difference now......I do know what the guy is looking for. And when I complain, its usually because of lack of human respect. I expect to be treated with the same respect that I treat others with. You are a human being even though you are cheating. When I walk out of a store or a bank, I hold the door open for the stranger behind me. I say hello, good by and treat strangers with common courtesy. I don't think that is asking too much from someone who you have even gone as far as had a sexual relationship with.

So what else hasn't changed......I still get hurt. I still do feel that excitement when I meet someone, I feel that smile in my heart when I am attracted to someone. I feel that void lessen. Yeah, I am not as gullible as before. I keep hoping to meet someone who can give me the mental and physical stimulation that I need that is close to where I live. So far, I haven't found that in one person. I have found great mental connections and great physical connections and those that were both....were too far away.

I'm not looking like I was. I truthfully has been a lot more dormant lately. I don't have the desire to search online like I did. Actually, I am finding that is making me a little sadder with each man that I find is not my prince. So, I've been lying low on the new prospects and actually sticking to what makes me feel best....my frog friends. Mr. Podcaster, Mr. Springer and of course the Tadpole. Actually, the lawyer came crawling back yesterday. Apologizing and saying what an ass he was. Sadly, I think the damage is done. Disappearing without a trace is my biggest pet peeve. Demonstrating that you don't care about the person at all.

So, in summary....I am fucking okay!! I am a little lonely, I feel a void still but I am seeing the light. I am feeling better about me. So, once again, don't judge others until you've walked in their shoes. I certainly don't judge......everyone has their own dirty little secrets.