I Let Him In

The last three weeks, I have felt amazingly great. I had met someone who I (once again) thought was my soulmate. He made me laugh, he made me smile, he wanted to know everything about me. We talked about our dreams, our desires...."I want to make you happy. I want to fulfill you, I want you to fall in love with me".

Brick by brick, he broke my wall down. Brick by brick, I allowed him to get closer to me, to my dreams, my desires, my inner soul. Not just the sexual part of me....my whole world. He was seeping into my brain and my heart. He was fulfilling that void that existed.

Yes, I felt great. I have to say, there was a voice inside who was warning me (I told it to both Tadpole and to Mr. Podcast) but overall...this man was doing everything right. I found myself letting totally go. I allowed myself to trust, to feel comfortable and not second guess him (which had always been a problem in the past). I felt secure with him (even with that little voice).

He wanted me to take down my profile from Ashley Madison. I agreed and asked the same from him. We decided that we should give it a shot without others. We would focus on exclusivity with each other. I shut my profile down....and for the first time..I was really okay with it. I didn't have the desire to go back and look. I didn't have the desire to search for more. The insecurity had disappeared.

And with this new found wholeness. I found that it made me better. Having that void fulfilled inside of me....was making me a stronger person. I never realized how much energy that void sucked from the person I am. With that void inside of me fulfilled, with happiness once again in my heart and fulfillment....I was able to concentrate and focus on my life. Feeling so good allowed me to expand that to other areas of my life. I forgot how Mr. Government had motivated me and Soulmate Chris. I forgot how great it felt to be complete.

Tonight was a bad night. The hubby did something that once again shook my world. He once again wrote a check without me knowing. And the mortgage money covered it. The man had also taken my debit card and had the audacity to call to see why he couldn't get money out of the account. What?!? I quickly checked...well asshole, you wrote a check that came in that I didnt know about.

Totally distraught, I turned to my new wholeness. And of course, he comforted me and made me feel like a million dollars. He gave me hope that it would all work out. He sent me hysterical jokes every 4 minutes for an hour until I was giggling out of control. He made my heart sing....he cared about me. He made me feel so damn special. We had to reschedule our planned trip for tomorrow because of weather and me being sick. So I had already been down, then this with the hubby....I was feeling real bad. We decided to reschedule the trip for next week....our birthdays are two days apart. We were going to spend that day inbetween together in bed.....a present to both of us.

I started to clear out my email mailbox and came across a message from him that had been on Ashley. I went back to read it....to make me smile....and when I got there, his name was not on the favorite list. I haven't pulled up my Ashley in over 2 weeks since we decided to take the profiles down. However, a new name was on there. You see...a word of advice. If you change your name on Ashley Madison....the new name appears on someones favorite list in place of your old name. So that person knows you changed your name (which is a good thing).

So I click on this new name and there is his pix...his new profile...his new pix....and a whole new damn profile...and he checked it yesterday. Once again, I felt my insides being ripped out. That void was back and this time a little deeper. What a fucking fool I was. I believed him. I believed his caring, I believed his compassion, his aura, his desires to make me believe we were meant for each other. Him telling me today, how I should leave my husband and move up there near him (I laughed & told him how ridiculous but come on.....I feel so stupid for even thinking he meant it even for a nano second). I was taken ball and sinker by a player. He worked and worked and worked at the challenge....and probably enjoyed each brick as he felt them fall. He wanted the profiles down. I had gone this road before....but now he lied. I can't take lying it makes it impossible for me to believe anything else the person says. Sigh

I called him on it.....I built up as many bricks as I could. I emailed him and told him how happy I was that I found out before we spent the weekend together. Kudos, you played me for a fool. How stupid I thought you were different. We were both on the site at the same time. He didn't answer my email, I didn't acknowledge him.

So now, I am sitting here with this gaping hole in my heart again. I cried a little. You know I went to my tub...and I cried. Not because I lost him....but because the hole was back. The emptiness was back. I loved that feeling of completeness...of someone holding me in their arms, of someone making me feel so damn good. That first kiss, that second kiss...that feeling when someone touches you for the first time. That wetness that is so damn wet in between your legs. The desire, the passion. I loved hearing the words I love you, even though it wasn't a love like husband and wife...but a more I love who you are love. It would have been so sexually hot for us. He was the first guy who allowed me to get so close emotionally. We were almost there. Fate worked against us or my angels were working overtime for me.

I am angry and disappointed because it was so damn close this time. It felt so damn good. I kind of saw it (I did see he was a player, I told you all that). He's excellent. He stuck with it and worked me till the walls came down and I questioned my hesitations.

Okay, if you see the bricks lying around....send them my way. Actually, it felt soooo good, I know I need to find someone to fill that void. My profiles are back up. A couple of days and I may have the strength to go back....I need to lick the wounds a little. I was suppose to be in his arms lying in a hotel room tomorrow all day having amazing sex...and now...I will be moping around the house. Life really sucks sometimes....