Yesterday was the day from HELL!!! Juggling the kids off from school, a boss who obviously got rejected from his lover last night and a house of chaos makes an insane day. I sick turn occurred yesterday at work...I am training the bosses new girlfriend. Long story but he actually threw a temper tantrum yesterday and well with the stress I was under....I had enough. I was shocked by his behavior and I think it was because he was rejected....long story..Anyway I got home and was in rare form.
My son has taken up sleeping on the couch. A perfect opportunity for the husband to go sleep in his room. I recommended it last night. He wouldn't move. I don't sleep well thinking you are fucking touching me all night...I want you to go sleep in there. I haven't done that in months he proclaimed. Exhausted from my day....I looked at him, I don't care I don't sleep well with you up here thinking that you are molesting me when I am sleeping.
And then he says.....if this isn't going to work, maybe we should get a divorce. Timing is everything and after a day like this and I was already half asleep...I unfortunately could barely carry a conversation at this point. My only answer was FINE....You get a lawyer and I will get one too. I rolled over and literally passed out in a second.
A friend of mine once said that once she knew that she couldn't sleep with her husband anymore..that it was time. And I know it is time. He said it and now its time to move forward. I am petrified...I would be lying if I said any different. Petrified that I am going to not be able to pay the bills, take care of the kids and keep my sanity. Petrified that I will be alone all the time and that he will never take the kids. Petrified that he will walk away and never see them again. HOWEVER, deep in my heart....I know that I want the freedom. I want to smile again, no tension in my home, no worries that there is going to be another lien on the house. It's going to be ugly but I am going to do it. If I let it drop now, its not going to happen.
Ironically, I am alone right now....just like I said I wanted to be when I made my final decision. Mr. Porsche....we are having problems and I am realistic about that relationship. MM is gone and I miss the sex like crazy......
Divorce Attorney called me yesterday. He said he would help me file the papers. So it looks like I am going to actually go threw with it now. I wanted to avoid the ugliness but with my husband being such a deadbeat....there is no way that I am going to be able to avoid it. The house is going to be the fight. Our sons bills.
So tonight, I am going to start putting together a list. The beginning of the week, I am going to start organizing the paperwork that I need. the deed to the house, the titles to the cars. There isn't much to fight over.....the kids are staying with me......he even said today that he didn't want my son......The man walks away FREE basically. I sat and cried today. No one likes to realize they have failed and me working so damn hard...I even failed my children. They need my time and I can't give it to them and keep a roof over their heads and I am an empty shell.
Okay......deep breath...deep, deep breath. Organize the Chaos......Let the games begin.....
7 comments:
I've been reading the blog for awhile, never really caring to post much as I'm not a fan of cheating on your spouse as I think it's better to deal with problems upfront (I'm young and admit to not having experience with a situation anything like yours) but this time I felt I should post. First off, as much as I think it pains you to be dealing with this now, I honestly think you can handle it. I think it's best that you can handle this situation, I mean just looking over your post, you already seem to be getting a start on it, focus on positives and try not to stay down in the dumps. If you have friends who are reliable, I definitely suggest going to them as it always helps to have someone to talk with and (as corny as it sounds) a shoulder to lean on and I would definitely recommend coming her to unload as you have a devoted group who're more than willing to try and help you through this and cheer you up. Another thing I want to say, is that I hardly think you've failed your children. Everyone wishes they could do better, everyone.. but you're not superwoman. Your children seem to be doing well and, while things are going to get really tough for you, I'm sure you'll be able to get them through this. My mom was a single mother who had it rough, struggled to make the bills and came home late after working two jobs. There where times when she didn't have the energy to play or talk, but she did everything she could for me and that's something that didn't go unnoticed. You're children may not notice it immediately, but they will eventually notice it, and will notice that just because you didn't always spend time with them, didn't mean you were any less of a mother. Ok..believe it or not this is the 3rd revision of the shortened version, as each time I felt like I came across as a little to much like a 'self esteem booster' tape since I don't know /that/ much about you. With that said, I think I should mention this. I'm on my way to becoming a psychologist (graduating soon) and think should mention, that kids can take the divorce alot worse than the parents. I would definitely suggest that you spend time with your kids as this fiasco starts to approach and let them know it's ok, it's not their fault and that they cannot fix it. I also don't know much about your husband, like if he has a short temper or drinks or many other things, but normally I'd suggest that both parents keep in touch with the kids. If he cares about their wellbeing he should sit down and talk about it, even if he doesn't take them. Again, I don't know much about him and how much he really cares, there are fathers who truly to not give a damn, as sad as that is. Sorry for the preachy long post, but I wanted to chime in as it seems to be the hip thing to do.
About time Cheri!! You know you have been thinking doing this like almost two years now.
Good luck and definately tell your children it's not their fault.
P.S Taylor, yes it was a long post and would be so much easier to read in paragraphs but welcome aboard.
{{Hugs}} Cheri ! Good luck dealing with all this crap. And by the way, you are not a failure. Even to your kids. They need a happy mom, and when you're free, they'll have her. If there's anything I could do, I'm here for you babe !
Hang in there...
Cheri,
DTMFA, you can make it on your own!
Pete
My dear, with the way you play, you're finally getting what you deserve. It's only fair play. You've been checked out of your marriage for so long, you're only now starting to pay that bill. Ashley Madison will be a dream world to you soon enough. Divorce takes a long time to get over--financially, psychologically, physically. Hope you have a good functioning vibrator, cause you're going to be using it a lot to relax. It may be the only relief you find.
Hi Taylor...thanks for all the great comments and recommendations. I think you have a great handle on it and will make a great psychologist...thanks for writing...I love notes.
Thanks Anonymous...its time to begin looking into it although he changed his tune the past two days. As if he said nothing when I brought it up.
Me--you are right....A happy mom is soooo important in the kids life. I hate when I am sad and it comes across to the kids. My kids deserve to see what a functional love relationship is or even one that is not filled with fighting and anger.
JF Break and PEte....THANKS GUYS!! Your support is so important to me.
Anonymous....poor, poor thing. so judgmental, so vicious, its kind of sad that you have such anger, hatred and viciousness bottled up inside of you. And as for me getting what I deserve....you're an ass and I was kind in my words of selection. The question is...what turned you so bitter? I think you should look internally to find out what has turned you into such a judgmental pompous asshole.. And quite frankly..
I am open to peoples comments, remarks and they are free not to agree. However, taking such attitude from someone like you...not on my blog. You don't agree with my life....move on...obviously there is something intriguing that pulls you back.
And with that comment....I will be going to approval for comments before someone can post. Everyone's commemts can come through and will be posted. Not agreeing is one thing and I respect that....being vicious...I will not nor do I have to put up with your bullshit or will I give you a forum for it...
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