My Date With The Single Man

I went out to dinner with Mr. Rockstar tonight. The dinner conversation was pleasant, never a loss of words. Are we a match? Nah. We are very different people and exactly how we are different, I can't put my finger on it. We discussed so many things and he talked like we had a connection....yet, I think I am not physially attracted to him. He's really good looking but something about him isn't doing it for me. He is also not a Type A personality.

This time the joke was instead of a frozen lip....I had an arm that wasn't working well. I had gotten the flu shot and my arm was hurting and sore. When we got to the car, he kissed me goodnight. It was more of a peck....we kissed more intensely but I was a little self conscious about being out in the open and kissing like that. It was nice.

I didn't hear from him today. i left a message at the end of the day and thanked him for dinner last night. But I wouldn't be upset if he didn't call back. So now I am a cross road. you see the discussion about me having an affair came up (I admitted to two). He said that he would question whether he felt someone who had an affair could be in a committed relationship where the road got rocky--would the person cheat again. I felt that I was defending myself in a way. From the age of twelve, I was a boyfriend. I would date one boy and then another. Then I had serious relationships and never cheated on those....then I got married and never cheated for 15 years. Until I mentally walked out of my marriage.

So the question here is....do I tell a guy I am dating about my affairs? My girlfriend (who is married and never cheated) said absolutely not. He didn't give his resume. So when would I admit it? I don't want to lie about it but I don't think its a good idea to confess at the beginning (although I did what I had to do to survive and I don't regret my affairs). so what do you think?

On the home front, I signed the summons paper today to put the divorce into motion. On Monday, We can sign the settlement and the new papers and some of the important papers. Its beginning in motion. I cried today in the lawyers office. I think it was out of exhaustion from a crazy stressful week of work as well as not having the papers signed, clearing up all the liens he had and all the balls I am juggling. I am also doing some fixing up on the house that needs to be done and involves the town. All these legal papers. The lawyer asked, why the tears? Is it because you don't feel you are paying me enough for this? And I laughed. I am doing the right thing, its just very sad how it has to go down. Me accusing him of sexual abandonment....how ironic and probably the first time I felt a tinge of guilt.

Mr. Porsche stepped up to the plate tonight. We had a long talk on wednesday night and he understood that i was feeling like I didn't have my best friend any more. Basically I told him, you worked for a year for me to depend on you. You wanted me to lean on you and then you pulled away when i needed you most. that is why I don't like to depend on men....I always want to be independent. Tonight, when he heard I was feeling guilty he reminded me of all the reasons why i am getting divorced. In his mind, the fact that my husband doesn't care that he should be the one to support the family financially or take on the Mr. Mom roll. that he left me to pick up the pieces, that alone says it all.

how insane that there is nothing as grounds of leaving the partner to take the bag and pull all the weight but if you don't suck or fuck his cock for a year..that's a reason the law will except. so much paperwork to get divorced yet to marry--its one piece of paper. Crazy world we live in. Its like a trap....

So what about telling men about my past. Any thoughts on this?