Mean Lovers In the Air Tonight!

The day before I meet Mystery Man, I send him this banana. It's the cock cheerer! I sent it today with a note saying how I can't wait till tomorrow (and i sent a you tube video with Annie singing Tomorrow)..... "Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll fuck you tomorrow, it's only a day away!!" corny? yeah. But we both have been doing corny things lately. Opening up to each other...the walls have fallen again and I feel that comfort zone with him.

waiting for his note back.....all excited, I open it up....

"Sorry can't make it, something came up....."

Okay. That was all he wrote. My heart sunk to my stomach. My lips started to pout and that empty pit felt totally endless in my stomach. I could feel the tears starting to swell in my eyes. Not because he couldn't make it as much as he just the way he wrote it.

My response......
"What? Really?"

I didn't want to write more. I was in shock and super pouting. I couldn't believe that's all he would write. That feeling of the past when I was dumped by him came flooding back. Me knowing that I couldn't take him back again. Was he gone....things were so hot this week? His response comes in.


whhhhaaattttttttttt?????? Reeeeaaaallllllyyyyyy????? Are you pouting now with your puffy lips? Can I call you Screwbie Doo?

What would you be willing to do for me to make sure I show up???

Okay, he is fucking with me. My first reaction is to tell him to go fuck himself. But I don't mean that....so I decide....payback is a bitch. relax...tomorrow when his cherry ass is right there I am going to give it a wack like he has never gotten. Or I am going to make him beg me to suck his cock....payback, yes, sweet payback....my response..

$%#$%#$%$%$%# that was not funny (although i know you are cracking up and amused!! lol) and you know very well that I was pouting......and after the wave of fury passed.....i did start to giggle....

no my dear....its not what WILL I do to you......its more like what WONT I do for you??! I have been doing lip exercises all day for that scrumptous cock......

So what do you want me to do for you?!?!

His response: LMAO!!!! You''ll do whatever I feel like at the moment and you'll like it!

ME you get such a kick out of pushing my buttons....(eyes rolling with a big smile and a giggle) Cum on, get me all hot and bothered with anticipation!!

And so Screwperman started to mellow out and to sweet talk me. We are on for tomorrow. The sad part of that, I realized that I am attached again. Oh I knew it last time as I laid in his arms and as we looked into each others eyes and we toasted to one year. Oh I know as we are doing it and we are such a perfect match that it scares me. Sex is hot. We are on the exact same page....exact. There is no position that doesn't feel amazing. We click. Like I have never clicked before. Yes, Mr. Porsche and I are good together but there is more there on differ
ent levels. The friendshship makes the relationship hotter (so does the dominance) but with MM its pure, perfect sex. I can't explain it exactly. It's like a puzzle. The piece fits perfectly...

On the Porsche front....we all know I can't take being lied to or half truths. Its a pet peeve of mine. And when you have an affair, you shouldn't have to. Porsche has this new little friend that is helping with a project in his office (yes, said with sarcasm and claws). Obviously him telling me how hot his staff thinks she is and how he enjoys flirting with her ....hello? did you think it wouldn't get a rise out of me? He had a meeting with her last night...he didn't lie just didn't tell (avoided the topic).

I knew it was her because I know when he is half truthing now. Guys get a certain look and body language (when you live with it your whole life, you know). He emailed me late. Guess you are working late with your little friend? YUP was his response. Hmmmm.......

I need to learn restrain. I don't have it. I easily get insecure and walls start to go up. my response was..... was your cock able to move at all after our day today? you know honey, you should be like me, learn to separate your days better. I leave a day in between lovers so I'm not so tired. You should give your cock more than 3 hours to re-coup.

He ignored it. I was still bothered today and after talking a little bit. I should have left it alone but I couldn't. i told him he didn't have to lie. He said I didn't, I didn't tell you who. Rrrrrrrr......so, you didn't tell me, was your cock able to move for her?

Okay, I pushed the envelope a little bit. There was silence. He was mad. And his response..... Yup...it was able to move and re-coup with no problem. although I didnt fuck her."

OUCH!! I deserved that, I guess. He slammed me and assured me in the same breath. Geez....I felt like a rock hit me on the head. Lesson learned.....don't fuck with him and stay away from that subject. He is attracted to her....oh well. You know what it is....has so little time. He wouldn't add another lover, he would replace me. Well he put me in my place, and I did deserve it.

A Newbie at Submissive Sex

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Secret Lover 1 + Secret Lover 2 = A Great Damn Week Planned

CONTENT! Is that the right word? Excited? Oh that is definitely the right word!!

A little apprehension this morning. I mean who knows after a long vacation, I fear that I will lose both my lovers again. Okay maybe a little paranoid BUT it did happen to me before.

I've had a migraine now for two weeks so I am a little off.

Mr. Porsche calls this morning. " I miss you. I can't wait to see you this week." So then I proceed to tell him how much I miss him and I can't wait to be in his arms. How I hope we can spend 3 hours of total pleasure satisfying each other. That I masturbated thinking about him this morning and I am still not satisfied. I need the real thing. He confesses how good I make him feel. How great it is to feel so wanted. I agree. We both give that to each other. Later in the day, he calls me and tells me that all he wants to do tomorrow is give me multiple orgasms. That would make him the happiest man. Now I can't argue with him. so tomorrow is our meeting day. Ooooohhhh laaaa laaa!! I am happy. Very happy the rest of the day.

And once in awhile my mind wanders to Mystery Man. I know he is back. I know he is busy working. How I hope he is not gone again. And just as I am finishing up a meeting, my text message goes off telling me I have an email from guess who?! the text shows just a word or two..... Did my cock diva.....

aaah....a sigh of relief. A message starting like that is sure to be a good one. And yes when I get home and read it... Did my cock diva miss my cherry ass? How was your week without me? I really missed you and thought of you often. I can't wait to make you beg for my cock and share hours of total enjoyment with you. Can't even begin to tell you how many hard ons I had all week just thinking of you. How does Thursday sound?

YEAH!! CONTENT!! HORNY!! And boy will I be fulfilled this week.

The Best Defense is Affair Offense

Like I have said before, my marital wandering is not the reason for my marriage falling apart. My marriage was falling apart is its own thing. My wanting to leave my husband is my own thing. Totally separate. So his little undertones of joking to other people like...she's with her boyfriend. Is unacceptable. That's an easy excuse to blame everything on and not his short fallings.

Yesterday (after my girlfriend said that he said it joking). I confronted him on it. Basically saying he was an idiot and didnt he see all the men lined up for years at the door? what about the ones I have hidden in the closet? It came to a head yesterday because Mr. Electric called me in the morning. He kept questioning who it was. Now, we haven't hung out in a long time. With his divorce pending and my situation (and after his call girls situation), we fizzled quickly but we are still supporting friends for each other. I have no desire to be with him, he's a bud now.

Anyway, that's when I couldn't take the suffocation anymore. So two hours later, I addressed it. He backed off immediately.

My last serious relationship before my husband was a guy who I knew was cheating on me BUT I could never 100% catch him. Even after we parted, he denied it (though the proof was there). At that time in my life, I had a different perspective on cheating. And quite frankly, it was the fact that he chose to be with her when my grandmother died and his whole family was with me at my house. He was working...oh sure he was...so I guess I learned from him. The best defense is offense.

I had a long talk with Mandy last night. She was at the same point of her marriage a few years back and they turned it around to a degree(she still doesn't like fucking him but she does). So if you aren't 100% happy, why do you stay? He helps me now, he worships me, we cuddle, we're friends but the sex just isn't there for me. I can't imagine pulling it back together. The thought of giving up sexual fulfillment now that I know how amazing it is...is like committing yourself to life in a low security prison. So, even if he turns around totally and the sexual feeling is still not there.....can I settle? I don't think that I can.

I cried last night in the tub. Realizing that I am going to be breaking up my marriage. wishing miracles of love would shine down. but its not. The good news, the tears finally made my migraine go away. I have had a migraine since I told him.

So in conclusion, I need a good sex session. I need to escape to heaven and beyond! Mystery Man has not emailed me. Granted he probably got back last night and starting to work. I don't expect to hear from him till tonight or tomorrow. BUT I have a pit in my stomach. What happens if he is gone again? I hate uneasiness.

When my nerves are shot and i feel insecurity with him. I find myself running back to ashley for a peak. Saw a few interesting profiles. asked for pix. Who knows? Time will tell.

Yeah! Monday is Cumming

Quick Update:
I am getting excited that Monday is coming soon. MM will be back and I will definitely see Porsche next week. Having gotten my period Thursday, ended my meeting with Porsche for Friday. Sweetly, he had come into the office just for me (to meet me). He was so pissed when he was on the train in and i told him I got my .

well tonight, I am hornier than ever. I haven't had sex in almost three weeks.......I did sneak a little private clit playing earlier....its been hard with the hubby so attentive these days. He's watching me so closely. But I managed to sneak alone for 10 minutes......and the circles and fantasizing about Mr. Porsche gave me such a high. do you feel focused after an orgasm? I do. Relaxed and so much better at the task at hand (or the next task that my hands get on!) mmmm....next week is going to be action packed. I can't wait.....I need to feel a cock going inside of me..its been waaaaaaayyyyy tooooo long!!!!!!!!

Ashley Madison Agency- Your only as good as your last.....

The search engines are a funny animal. I was so excited that my Ashley Madison Agency Affiliate Program code was popping up #2 on the search engines for a month.

That was getting me lots of hits to my affiliate number and yes, the Cheri Fucking Fund saw some nice monetary increases!

I have some years under my belt (which helps on the searches) so I was truly was hoping my affiliate number would stay up there. Sadly, three days ago, it dropped off the search....sigh.

Yes, I was getting spoiled. I was loving the fact that my blog was making money and saving me money on therapy. What a win/win!! And it also wasn't attached to my blog (so hundreds of new people a day were not stopping by....I still had some privacy). I mean I love that you all read my blog and comment but you have found me someway on your own and you can relate to my life. I'm sure not all the searches were friends....

Anyway, so now the Cheri Fucking Fund will not be buying me a mercedes in the near future. But I am happy for the hits I do get. Honestly, it is not my purpose of the blog.....but I did figure if you wanted to sign up for Ashley, why shouldnt I get credit since you saw it on my blog.

So, if you have a blog about secret lovers and affairs and you are thinking of linking to Ashley, you should consider using your own affiliate number (you need the check to go someplace beside your house for obvious reasons and you have to be able to handle the bank looking at you thinking you are an escort--it says dating on the check....they look up at me and I know they are wondering hehehehehe).

Of course, if you decide you don't want to do that....feel free to add my code to your link to Ashley (yes, here is a little advertisement). Put a link that go to: Ashley Madison http://www.ashleymadison.com/A11977

Happiness With Another?

I found this online last night. And yes Percy, three years of blogging and I still haven't exactly hit the inner feelings a person who decides to wander or decides on a divorce feels. You are right, there are no real words I guess (but your words are comforting, thank you baby!)

So take a moment, and read this. The words hit home for me. My entire Secret Lovers Lane journey and my search for Mr. married Prince Charming I guess is summed up here. Only difference, when I am free. I will not face life in search of someone else to make me happy. I will focus on my own happiness.


The Direction Of Happiness
Leaving A Relationship

One of the hardest decisions we ever make in life is leaving a long-term relationship that just isn’t working. When attempts at repairing and working out issues aren’t working, it may be time to examine moving on. We are emotional creatures, and when our heartstrings are tied to those of another, separating from that person can feel like an act of courage. It is not something most of us will take lightly, and many of us will struggle with our desire to stay in a relationship that is unfulfilling simply in order to avoid that pain. We may question whether the happiness we seek even exists, and we may wonder if we might be wiser to simply settle where we are, making the best of what we have.

On the one hand, we almost relish the idea that true happiness is not out there so that we can avoid the pain of change. On the other hand, we feel within ourselves a yearning to fulfill our desire for relationships that are vital and healing. Ultimately, most of us will follow this call, because deep within ourselves we know that we deserve to be happy. We all deserve to be happy, no matter where we find ourselves in this moment, and we are all justified in moving, like plants toward the light, in the direction that leads to our greatest fulfillment. First, though, we may need to summon the courage to move on from the relationship that appears to be holding us back.

Taking the first steps will be hard, but the happiness we find when we have freed ourselves from a situation that is draining our energy will outshine any hardship we undergo to get there. Keeping our eyes trained on the horizon, we begin the work of disentangling ourselves from the relationship that no longer fits. Every step brings us closer to a relationship that will work, and the freedom we need to find the happiness we deserve.

Do I Deserve Happiness?

Damn, Lion has me thinking with each of his comments on my blog. He wrote that he worries about people who say they can only be happy if this happens or that I don't deserve happiness.

Well, I do deserve happiness. And honestly, it took me a long time to believe that. Putting the kids first, putting my work ahead of me, putting me basically on hold. And then I woke up and I wasn't happy with that. I had lived that life of the perfect wife, perfect mother, perfect employee, perfect daughter, perfect, perfect, perfect....until I realized I was so busy pleasing other people, I had gotten lost.

Three years ago, I was desperate. The hole inside of me was so deep and empty. I traded the morals and beliefs I had always believed in for The Taste Of The Forbidden Fruit! Yes, I found that extramarital affairs was my emotional rescue. Ashley Madison and Philanderers was my playing ground. An underground world which I would have never imagined I would ever enter.

So when I said, I would wait for my Prince Charming....I should have said by choice, I am not searching for my Prince. You see, I want to be happy with me. I want to be in control for a while of my life without someone controlling it (unless I choose for it). I want to date, I want to meet men and enjoy them. I don't need one man.

So I can say that I am happier than I was. It kills me that I truly want a divorce but I am not happy now in this situation at all. It's suffocating in my house since I told him. He sits in the same room with me constantly, like now, I have been ignored for so many years....I've grown to love it. Now with him around, showing me attention, I feel like a fish out of water.

So, while I am not there yet..I am on the road to happiness. I am on the road to taking control of my life. He said today, he realized that he was running away for years from our home life. Well, I told him...you had that ability to do that. I do not....so it's now my turn, but I can't leave the kids behind on my run. So, I choose to run with them, but it's my turn!

A Secret Lover and A Prince Charming?

I love when you guys comment and make me think. Lion wrote how I deserve one man to give it all to me instead of a bunch that give a little. And you are right. but the truth is, I thought about it and right now, I don't want that man. I did, I wanted Prince Married Charming to sweep me off my feet and fulfill me but with everything going on at home now, I don't want him to come along right now.

I always promised myself that when I left, I would be alone. I would make sure that it wasn't for another guy but leaving would be for me. I had actually thought that I would be alone (and i have said it before) when I finally left just to make sure that I wasn't unconciously hoping my lover would leave his partner too.

Mystery Man and I know we are not meant to be together full time. And Mr, Porsche either. You see, I love them both dearly, but they are controllers. I love it now and i may love it for a long time. BUT I love it in my secret lover life. It wouldn't fit in my real life. Because here, I am the controller, I run the show because I have had to for so long.

I guess I am realizing that I am truly two different people. The one that is here today. the one who enjoys being fulfilled by her secret lovers. the one who realizes that if I were to divorce, at the beginning, they would be perfect. Probably for awhile...BUT after two years or so, I would want to find a lover who makes me feel like they make me feel and a partner as well. I don't think I will ever re-marry but it would be nice to have a friend and lover.

Who knows. Right now, I am content with that part of my life. And as for DigEm, well he is the type of person I would like to find in my future. Open, caring, funny and sexually attractive. It's funny, when you are a little girl, you dream of your Prince Charming. And here I am, at 40+, and i am still dreaming of a Prince Charming. But now, my prince looks different and has so many different qualities than when i was younger. But what is the same? I am still in search of that person who I can look at and feel that warmth in my heart. Why am I envisioning ET here? Yes, that glow in my heart.....and fullness when i look at him. Is he out there or am I dreaming?

Does anyone out there feel that warmth I am describing? Does anyone feel that fulfillment or am I chasing a dream that does not exist?

Just An Email, Makes Me Smile

what an amazing suprise today. I opened up my email and there was a note from DigEm! Hey Ying! My heart skipped a beat and a huge smile came to my face. While we agreed not to communicate, every once in a while, I have to. I sent him this friend balloons thing that I sent to my closest friends. The urge was overwhelming, I had to send it to him. And so I did. No matter what, he is a dear, soulmate friend. He's in my heart, he's in my soul...(does anyone else hear Rod Stewart Right now?!?!)

His notes (as they all are) just make me complete. he knows just how to give me what I need (amazing since we haven't even spoken). He can feel what I am feeling. Yes, he knows that the ridiculous cleaning all of a sudden is BS. And ironically, the hubby pointed out to me how he has been helping in the house. My answer. hmmm....some dishes, some meals...guess what...you should be working and doing that too since I work.

Damn I miss DigEm! But even apart, my heart smiles when I think of him. His sweet smile (amazing smile), his sexy voice......mmmmmm.....and his hysterical and perfect personality. I used to giggle for hours with him. And the best part, I probably never had to say a word. We used to laugh at our mental connection...we could finish each others sentences and thoughts. We were always on the same page.

Mystery Man had said something about how he disappeared twice before. And i had to check my blog when he said he was gone from july to september. I didn't remember that. But I know why....because DigEm came into my life then. so strangely, the blow had not been a memorable one because I had been so happy with DigEm. November was the big blow....i had lost them both within a week. That was bad.

So tonight, I am sitting here very content. A special note to DigEm! Love Ya Baby (and always will)! Actually I Love You ! (hehehehe--major level there) And I am glad you are doing ok!

The woman who helps me with my children has become part of my family. She has been a huge support for me and quite frankly she gives it to my husband. Hubby thinks I have a boyfriend. She quickly came to my defense...you can put my hand's on a choppin block if she be havin an affair?!? (oh geez, I was thinkig as i was driving and she put her hands on the dashboard)

He so doesn't get it. doesn't he realize that if I had a boyfriend that I was so in love with that he would be out the damn door a long time ago? It angers me that he doesn't see that it is his actions that has caused us to be where we are. Don't go looking for another man....yes, there are other men, but strangely enough, they have absolutely nothing to do with my desire for a divorce. If anything, I may lose them as well when he goes (at least Mystery Man). How bizarre to think that I was staying a little longer probably because I am happy with the affairs and I do not want to change what I have. So in a dysfunctional way, my lovers were helping him out. Till now, where I am willing to put it all on the line because I am so miserable. Truth is, it shouldn't matter to MM or porsche what I do. It doesn't put them at any additional risk. I would never tell their wives, that is not my style. My saying, you part as friends.

Today I called up Mr. Porsche.....excuse me....i am dripping. I am desiring your cock and you are not allowing me to have it. I need you inside of me, thrusting me or I may just die of horniasm. He was in a meeting but i could feel the smile and smirk through the phone. A little giggle and he said....i will call you back in 10. I picked up the phone.....such a princess you are. Always expecting what you need to be right there for you! damn, you know how to get a man crazy!!

I know he couldn't meet me today or tomorrow and maybe not even Friday. Geez....okay, I have been trying to schedule MM and Mr. Porsche on alternate weeks and I haven't been successful. It's such a feast or famine with them lately......geez. so now its been almost two weeks and i am going to explode....can't a girl get laid around here?! Of course, there is always going back to the frog pond....Ashley Madison's Frog Pond! Ironically Divorce Attorney called today. Pompous ass calls at 8 at night. HELLO?!!?! That's equivalent to a plumber forgeting to turn off the water valve before he disconnects the pipes!! Idiot!

Ashley Madison Agency - A Hottie I Would Love To Do!

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A Day Of Business Relaxation

Before children, my careers always involved traveling and entertaining. I went to the finest restaurants, clubs, spas etc.etc. With this career, one client is being wined and dined by major companies and I am lucky enough to be able to be shadowed by some of those perks.

Yesterday, a much needed day.....no driving, no running around. We literally had a meeting at one restaurant (4 hours) then went to the Red Door Spa to be pampered and then proceeded to the next hottest new restaurant in the area.

As I laid on the table (you can imagine, it took me forever to relax), I couldn''t clear my mind....but it still felt good. As I laid there it made me realize, my life is truly insane. I am getting underpaid at my present gig but it allows me to be with the kids. The woman I am with is getting paid 3 times as much as I make in a year. But everything has its downfalls. She has no children. well, even with all my crap....that is one part of my life I am so happy that I have. I wouldn't give up my children for anything and at the same time, they are the ones that hold me back from a full blown career. Life is so damn difficult at times.

I did relax, I did get to think, I did feel like everyday should be filled with reflexology, aromatherapy, facials, swedish massages, pressure point treatments. It made me focus better when I felt better. Of course the two killer meals are making me head to the gym in a minute. I feel like you can roll me away today. Yes, today is the start of my big deal diet.

Mr. Porsche is busy this week too. But I miss him terribly. Actually, it was so sweet. he said to me too, I miss you a lot and really want to see you. It feels so good to be missed. before the massage, I now realize that I was sinking into an asexual depression. I was starting to close down again. I hadn't wanted sex or thought about sex in almost two weeks. But yesterday after my massage, I felt amazing. my sexuality woke up again.

We are going to try and sneak some time today. Its not looking good but at least we are going to try....have a great day!!!
t

The Frying Pan

In my house, I use mainly two frying pans. One is my grandmother's which is probably one of my prize possessions. Cooking in that pot, the food always comes out just like she made it. When I make a dish, I feel so much joy cooking in that pot. I feel closer to her. I loved her dearly and its as if she is with me when I am cooking. It's strange....I can never fuck up a dish when I use her pot.....

the other is my daily use pot that I use everyday. I make everything in this pot. Old reliable. Well old reliable had a lot of problems yesterday....my husband decided to take it and smash it against my granite counters until the handle broke off of it and it had a huge dent in it.

needless to say, that was a HUGE mistake. I was screaming that i was going to call the police. Get out, get out!! Oh no, I am going no where! Well it took every inch of my being not to throw the pot at his head. The screaming left me with a sore throat. What is strange is that the anger has been inside of me for years. Rarily surfacing...now, that its all out on the table.....so is the anger.

I am bringing over my grandmother's pot to my parents. I can't dear to have him crush that. I would probably kill him.

Waking up this morning. I looked in the mirror and saw the sadness in my eyes. Why should I feel so empty? Why should I feel such a void? Life is so short. Why do we settle? Why do we not live each day to the fullest? the answer. We tolerate and live with the emptiness because we believe there will be better days. we tolerate and live with the voids and disappointment because we think what we have will get better or we will react at a later time in our lives to make ourselves happy.

So now here is the question. how do we know that we have tomorrow? we don't so we assume. Ah, the old Ass out of you and Me Theory.

Well do I want to settle? Do I want to live the void? The answer....NO!!! My heart deserves to feel the happiness and flutters and not in secret.

I am surprised that I am happy Mystery Man is on vacation this week. I am also happy that mr. Porsche is on limited access this week. I can use this time to sort, to think, to look in my heart.

Although, I think a session with Mr. Porsche would do me well right now. I nice stiff cock from behind to thrust the emptiness away.....hehehehe.....I admit it, my nipples got hard at that thought just now. I guess my sexual drive is not as dead as I had thought. maybe a little masterbating would help...

Teach an old dog new tricks?

Obviously not. He went to his family at 10:45 and was suppose to be back at 1:30 to go to my family. Once again he allows his sister to take charge and makes him travel 45 minutes. At 3;30 he pulls into the driveway. He made the decision that the kids were having so much fun that he stayed.

He was greeted by the flowers he bought me thrown onto the steps coming up to our house. You can imagine how well the day went from there. I said nothing to him after I screamed you will never change. He told my family with tears in his eyes that he wanted to save his family. Actions speak louder than words......of course they felt bad for him.

my mother is a piece of work. Quite frankly I think she flips at family get togethers. I was sitting with my uncle and drinking wine....she was up my ass about stupid things. There was a stringbean left in the pot...it was stuck to the bottom...i didn't scrap it out. Well, the attitude and problem that it started. I mean she went on and on about the stringbean. finally I looked at her and ripped the damn stringbean out of the pot and waved it at her and said Are you fucking kidding me? And I ate the damn thing and walked away.

Oh, it was great seeing my family but when my mother is in that mood...I do want to kill her. And so does my father, my uncle and my cousins.

I asked my uncle if my husband and my mother could move in with him. He said that would be a sentence in hell! Please take one!!! I'll take your dog! Hmm...that is my best friend and cuddle buddy. Geez.......a trip far away is looking sooo good right now!!

Misinterpretation of My Civilness

Yes, Rosie is right. I should have thrown the flowers out. Yes, they are one of my favorite flowers (sunflowers) but it seems he is misunderstanding my calmness. You see, the flowers are eating me up but i do not have the heart to crush him by throwing them away. He's trying but his attempt are making me sadder. You see, which each nice thing he does, I feel worse because I cannot accept, forgive or forget. I am feeling guilt for not being softened by his actions.

He has been doing the wash, cleaning the kitchen dishes and even made me coffee this morning. So he is trying but I want to scream Please don't....please don't waste your energy on me. focus on you, a job and the kids. I am already emotionally gone for a long time......damn i am made that 2 years ago, you didn't wake up. There might have been hope then. I closed you out so many years ago...its like an invasion into my heart and soul that you want to come back in.

we've been more friendly than the past year. I have been trying to keep the anger civil. Except for the Mommy Tsunami I had with his sister the other day....I have been calm. But I realize now he is interpreting that as forgiveness. Today, I threw in that his sisters would be the icing on the cake when we get divorced. He looked at me in shock and anger. It was a test to see if he thought that I was not thinking of divorce....and the truth is his reaction made me realize HE BELIEVES I HAVE BACKED OFF....

The truth is, I am happier, I am alive...when I am with my lovers. I am the person I want to be. The person I used to be. I am the person I deserve to be. Do you think that I am looking at that through rose colored glasses? I know that neither man I am with now is ever going to leave their wife for me. And quite frankly, i don't want them to. I don't have those fantasies of a perfect life with them. I never imagine them walking through the door and kissing me as if they are coming home from work. There has been two that have fit that bill (DigEm and Mr. Government). But none of my other lovers. what I had with them is the other life.
Is it wrong that I like that person and want her to return? I have to tell you with all the stress I gained weight. I am devastated. Such an emotional eater. oh, that weight is going to be off in a month....I am starting right now....FUCK..i was almost at my target weight.

So I have to figure out how to handle all this. Nothing feels better than being with my lovers. My heart sings again.....I can feel the warmth inside when I think about them....that adrenaline..they are amazing. How could I ever want to not feel that again? Staying in my marriage is like a life sentence. I want my freedom....now, do I have the balls to go for it?

Forbidden Fruit Tempting...

For those of you who have been reading my blog for years,months or weeks....there can be no doubt in your mind that I have my two feet out of my marriage. Having been ignored for years, mentally escaping so I didn't have a breakdown and physically escaping to other man's arms. I've learned, I've grown and quite frankly, I am even more independent than I was before.

So now I have tasted sin. I have tasted paradise and heaven.....I have orgasmed like I have never orgasmed before. I have felt alive, i have enjoyed life like never before......and I am ready. Ready to get on that road to freedom. It's like a marathon, I have been in training and I am at the starting line, the gun sounds and I am running and running...I am in the lead and I see the finish line. I am about to win the race AND....the ribbon people have taken ill and I have to stand there waiting for the ribbon to be put back up.

okay, some drama there. But I am in limbo now. I made my mind up, told him and now instead of going along he is romancing me, he is buying me flowers, sending emails.....

I went on Ashley Madison last night for the first time in awhile. I just went to check my mail. let's face it, with two full time lovers, I don't have room for a third. and I am happy with the two of them right now. But I looked. Found two men who wrote me who are certainly interesting and quite handsome. So tempting.....but my void is filled right now so I will have to pass. I did put them on my favorites list (just in case)

Tempted by the forbidden fruit......I don't think I can give it up. the thought of dumping my lovers is not possible. I couldn't do it. I guess that is my answer. I am doin the right thing. I'm sorry if it hurts my husband but I got here for a reason. I was your typical wife...I was truly an angel at one point in time. Who I am today just shows you how unhappiness can make you

Thankfully it's a fucking new day!

I really don't know what I would do if I ever lost the foundation of my existence.....

Every Day is a New Day!

now you can't leave your baggage at the door (uhm...that would be denial) but you can start the new day over with......Okay, let's see if we can make this one a better one!

Am I warped? Is it a survival mechanism I have incorporated into my life to make it through?

The answer to both is Yes!! lol

However, if it works...who the fuck cares. Actually, my cold is a little better right now. It is Friday, I am taking some hours to work on some clients that I have neglected, it is a beautiful day AND my tax return check (while small) did come through directly into MY ACCOUNT. Difference between my husband and me......the check is going to our mortgage.

Meeting a client this morning and then I will come home to clean!!! Woo Hoo!!

Okay, i am going to stop for flowers. I am buying myself flowers to make my day happier.

what is hubby doing? Reading a book on how to have a successful family....I laughed. Yeah, that is going to help instead of looking for a job!! lmao

here's to New DAYS!!! Enjoy yours my dear friend!

Not As Easy As I Thought

Yes, life is all crazy right now. I figured that I would tell my husband that I want a divorce, he would freak out and then he would just accept it. I didn't ever think that he was going to make an appointment the next day to go to a counselor, begin doing stuff around the house, start sending me love email notes on how he is going to fight for our marriage because he still loves me.

I am angry. Angry that he is waking up now. Now that I am mentally and almost physically gone. He is waking up now? After all we have been through? He went to a counselor today (I refused to go). I told him he needs to work on himself. Get his life together.

See, I am sad. Sad because I don't love him. Sad because I don't see myself being able to put it back together . I am annoyed that he is being so damn nice. It makes it so much harder to separate. We are actually talking. In a sick, bizarre way, it does feel good (and also depressing) that it is out in the open. I am sticking to my guns. I still told him I want a divorce. He is not going to let it go.

Financially, I still haven't figured out how I am going to do it. I am slipping into a depression a little. The doctor re-negged on the hours. I went from 24 to 30 hours a week. The surgeon is being difficult....i think I need to run away! Is that possible? You know I do know a local woman here who I used to be friends with. She picked up one day and ran away with a biker guy. Now for some areas that may not be news but in my upper class area....leave your kids and run away with a biker. It was the talk of the town for a year!

So now what?! I don't know. I want to start a mediator, he doesn't.

I have a cold. And quite frankly, I was meeting Mr. Porsche today and I couldn't see myself fucking. I mean, I am mentally and physically drained from this past week. We sat for two hours over coffee and lunch talking. It ended up being a business lunch. He was stressed today too. both our heads miles away. Of course, my feet were in his lap rubbing on his cock from under the table. But he was even more stressed than me. Poor baby...

So here I sit. I feel like I am floating in no wheres land! Geez, life shouldn't be so damn hard. I yearn for simplicity. And BTW,thanks for all your comments. They make me smile and get me through the day!! xoxooxoxo

Have You Cheated on Me?

With men it always comes down to sex. Yes, the hubby asked that question today. And of course, I denied it. It actually had no relevance to our conversation. Funny, my extracurricular activities are not the issue. With all that is going on, that is what he is concerned about--his cock.

Today was the icing on the cake......the final explosion that I thought I was going to have a heart attack. You see, he took a check that I was waiting for from the government and he cashed it. Let's see, you have given nothing to this house in 7 months, you know our marriage is in trouble so you steal a check? Well that was the finale.


Raving Lunatic was an understatement. Here I am feeling bad, trying to tell him to get some help and what does he do....the same shit!! It was like salt in a wound. mediator? i don't think so. This man is never going to change. Never going to give his fair share around here. I will probably have to take him to court.

He insists I haven't given our marriage a fair try. WHAT?!?!? Are you for fucking real? I have been miserable for years and have told you over and over and over again. Now you want to pin it on me. Now you want me to take the blame. I should stick around another year while you pull me further and further into your black hole hoping that you may change?! Oh no.....I will not.

And then the topper. The wicked witch of the west sister in law that I have. I decided to spend the weekend with my family. Mind you, I haven't seen or heard from her in a year. Last conversation, I told her to help her brother. That I was miserable and you should help him. Well today she leaves a bitchy message on my voicemail. what kind of family do we have that he cannot choose to see his sisters. I am coming in, you are selfish. Screaming at me. well baby, this was a mistake. You have been in at least 4 times this year and never even saw us. now all of a sudden you open your mouth....

Well the tsunami tidal wave overcame me. It was like a rush of anger I haven't felt in a long time. And so I returned the call. who the fuck do you think you are? (I don't think I have ever spoken to someone like that). you spoiled bitch. you have the nerve to call me like that. well she starts and then I cut her off......Fuck you!!! You've been in and haven't visited and i should kiss your ass...and then I went off like a raving lunatic. Something i always wanted to do with her but held my tongue. Today I couldn't. I should support and respect my husband was one of her lines. Well, can you see where we are going with this? UGLY! In my life I have never talken to someone like this.

I hung up shaking. Oh she will have advice for her brother. Not even knowing the situation, she will steer him to rip me off....hence, the trip to court. Ladies and gentleman, its going to get ugly.

Depression sunk in today. I threw myself in bed. I am going to go back into bed now. I wish i could run away....

Hubby Suffocation

Oh today was a duzzy. Now this may sound horrible but the husband ruined my me paradise meeting with Mystery Man. All of a sudden the man is Joe Up My Ass. What office are you going to? Who you meeting? Wanna go to lunch (hmmm....I left the house at 12noon why you asking me that?) He called 7 times while Mystery Man and I were together. The phone was driving us insane. He officially ruined my orgasms...
I think Mystery Man's lips were going to fall off in the attempt to eat me out and get me to cum. My head was not there. Is this divorce going to ruin my sex life? lol

Except for the stress and guilt I felt (yes guilt as mr. Porshe and hubby's calls came in back to back).. It actually was a really nice afternoon. It was our one year celebration!!

The setting...I brought rose petals....a bottle of wine, real glasses and an outfit that I was very pleased with....and so was Mystery Man. So you have to know that I must share my outfit with you. Yes, it was classy yet slutty. You are going to have to use your imagination a little....the corset was in red with black trim. the stockings were in black with a red stripe....the fringed underwear was crotchless...and the gloves with the maraboue....a huge hit...just added that sexy feeling that made the day perfect. Yes, the Cheri Fucking Fund with Ashley Madison affiliate money is what paid for the outfit. Kind of makes it even more sinful and hot. Other people's cheating has enhanced my own affair with this hot outfit they paid for. Demented yet sinfully hot!

Mystery Man swore he was going to make me beg today. Well truth be known, he couldn't wait for me to really beg....he devoured me...we started the day off with a glass of wine and we toasted....to great sex, to a perfect paradise....and then he said Happy Anniversary...we drank and then standing there, he kissed me with such passion...gotta tell you, our lips know exactly what to do...perfect connection...

Last night he sent me an email, saying how he kept fantasizing that I would be leaning over the bed with one foot on the bed as he entered me from behind...his total access to my wet box as he thrusted hard inside of me....pulling out and re-entering to drive me wild. and so, we fulfilled that fantasy and it was hot. Super hot. Now, Mystery Man can usually hold his cum for quite awhile..today the outfit, the sensual connection and the fantasy set him right over the edge. And honestly, I would have been insulted if it was any other way.

He brought lunch, our favorite sandwiches (become a regular thing that he stops and gets lunch now) and we took our break.....his cock needs 10 minutes to recoup. So a perfect time to relax, talk and eat some lunch. another glass of wine...and I was feeling a little giddy....we started talking more about us. I hope it doesn't send him running for the hills but for a year, I wanted to talk. I made him promise me that he would never just take off again. He kissed me gently and promised. we talked about this mystery thing, and truth is it bothers me that i don't know his life. It bothers me that i don't know his last name. It bothers me that he could disappear without a trace. But its not going to change right now.

I love what we have just as long as I don't think. We thanked each other for all that have given to each other this past year. Yes, we were open with our feelings...I admitted i had no expectations that we would kill each other in real life...lol

And then he said...okay, tell me this weeks hysterical story. you always have a funny story to tell me. Hmmm...my dad thought that my Ashley Madison checks were from an escort service. He was nicely trying to ask me if I was doing escorting for a living. then we both started to giggle. Truth is, no dad...i give it away for free! Geez...

And then I told him that I was going to bring a pix of me as a teenager. I'm sure you were just as beautiful then as you are now, I would love to see it. Do you think I am beautiful? I tell you all the time....you have to know you are gorgeous. Sigh, it sounded so nice coming out of his mouth. He held my face in his hands and kissed me gently....you are amazing. you are pretty and so damn sexy..and i am a really lucky guy! Wow.....we kissed and then we gently made love. It wasn't hot sex, it was the slow sex we have where it is sensual, deep, and erotic. He knows i love when we look at each other in the mirror and so we proceeded into that position...slowly sliding in me and out as he kissed my neck and played with my hair whispering sweet things in my ear.....wow....it was so damn hot (even with the phone ringing off the wall)!

I lied in his arms and he started to tell me how I have this sexy yet goofy far away look like I am in paradise when i am about to cum. OMG! Is that bad? And you know you bite your bottom lip? Is that bad? He started to laugh. No,its the flashbacks that give me a hardon all week when I am not with you. Hmm...good thing I don't cross my eyes or anything funky looking!

On to total Cock attention. I love his cock. It's perfectly shaped and it is the right size...absolutely no complaints. He's my best friend I told him. so we stood up and with my gloves on I carressed his body.....it was hot with the gloves. and then I threw him back on the bed and poured wine on his cock.....and licked and sucked until he moaned continually. I love when you suck my cock. I love watching you. Gently pushing my head down until he literally was down my throat...yes, trust....true trust...i played with his cock and licked and sucked making the slurping noises that he loves....

And then we fucked again! lol this time all different positions...yes, he frogged it and he even ribbits...hysterical to me on so many different levels. A song Welcome To My World came on and he said that right after a ribbit....I froze....that's what I say on my blog and my podcast. It happened to be the song but the ribbiting and frog position and that statement. For a second I thought he knew.

Have you ever heard the Ashley Madison commercial on the radio? I think its on Howard Stern. I guess in there they say "Thank you Ashley Madison" so as we are both just about to climax and cum he screams out Thank you Ashley Madison..I just started giggling to no end. Because of my affiliate program, he makes fun of me like the bald club of america. what was that line...now I forgot. I'm not just the president, i am a client too...or something like that....i say practice what you preach. and baby, I am practicing, practicing and practicing!!! lol

Sigh, he will be gone for two weeks now. One on business and one on vacation. Can I survive another two weeks? I do not know. Gotta tell ya about mr. porsche..I screwed up today...he left a really nice message and I didn't listen to it. I was a little tipsy and overwhelmed...he went out of his way and i admitted i erased it before listening to the whole thing. He was crushed.

So what did I forget anything...oh yeah..I gave him a back and foot massage...he loves his feet massaged and while I hate feet..he actually has nice looking ones.

I'm feeling a little anxiety tonight. Usually I am totally content. This is going to be a long year...I liked when the hubby ignored me better now I'm being suffocated..