Damn, Lion has me thinking with each of his comments on my blog. He wrote that he worries about people who say they can only be happy if this happens or that I don't deserve happiness.
Well, I do deserve happiness. And honestly, it took me a long time to believe that. Putting the kids first, putting my work ahead of me, putting me basically on hold. And then I woke up and I wasn't happy with that. I had lived that life of the perfect wife, perfect mother, perfect employee, perfect daughter, perfect, perfect, perfect....until I realized I was so busy pleasing other people, I had gotten lost.
Three years ago, I was desperate. The hole inside of me was so deep and empty. I traded the morals and beliefs I had always believed in for The Taste Of The Forbidden Fruit! Yes, I found that extramarital affairs was my emotional rescue. Ashley Madison and Philanderers was my playing ground. An underground world which I would have never imagined I would ever enter.
So when I said, I would wait for my Prince Charming....I should have said by choice, I am not searching for my Prince. You see, I want to be happy with me. I want to be in control for a while of my life without someone controlling it (unless I choose for it). I want to date, I want to meet men and enjoy them. I don't need one man.
So I can say that I am happier than I was. It kills me that I truly want a divorce but I am not happy now in this situation at all. It's suffocating in my house since I told him. He sits in the same room with me constantly, like now, I have been ignored for so many years....I've grown to love it. Now with him around, showing me attention, I feel like a fish out of water.
So, while I am not there yet..I am on the road to happiness. I am on the road to taking control of my life. He said today, he realized that he was running away for years from our home life. Well, I told him...you had that ability to do that. I do not....so it's now my turn, but I can't leave the kids behind on my run. So, I choose to run with them, but it's my turn!
2 comments:
tough choices all. making the leap, the grass is greener over there.... yeah we know the sayings, but they don't describe the feelings we have inside to make the decision for divorce or to have an affair..
there are not just the right words to describe the feelings... Take your blog, it takes ALL of your words over time to get an inkling of what you are feeling inside... and even then they probably don't describe the full depth of what you are going through.
I understand partially from my situation, I empathize with your feelings...I can say it will work out eventually, but that doesn't really sound like what I feel I should say... just that I try an empathize. I read and it makes me think.
Yes we all have to come to this place inside where our self worth is not dependent on the approval of others. Easy words to write, and maybe easy to do for some folks, but even that takes a leap of faith, a leap of emotion to let go of that 'approval dynamic'.
I hope I have made some sort of sense.
take care
:)
Yes, affairs were my emotional rescue as well. I know of what you speak. In the mid 80's I never envisioned myself entering that hidden world of affairs and illicit sex. But it saved me from a life of despair. You'll find a way to leave. It's so important to get it done and move on.
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