Good Friends Until We Stop Screwing!

In my life, there is only one person that I have left on bad terms. That's it. I have always had an amicable closure with all my boyfriends (except for the guy I was going to marry before my husband--he turned out to be a pedophile and worse, he was molesting his own daughters!!) I may have drifted from some friendships from my childhood--but I never left on a bad note.

Actually, I have friends for years. My closest childhood friend since I am 7. I will still speak occasionally to other childhood friends, past boyfriends etc. My point?? If I like someone, its usually for life. HOWEVER.....

with this affair thing--its not like that. There is no respect, there is no common courtesy--its a ME game.

"We owe each other nothing" those were Mr.Governments words of anger towards me at the end. Your right, I answered..we owe each other nothing...but we should just demonstrate common courtesy towards each other".

His final words-- "I never meant to be mean to you nor would I ever hurt you".
My final words- "Is this good by?" He did not answer. That was his final words.

Talking to Mr. Prize about it, I was disgusted how I had felt like I needed ammunition. I had felt great that I knew where he now lived. Reality is, it doesn't matter where he lives. I would never do anything to him or jeopardize either one of our families. I guess I didn't realize it but I was feeling vulnerable..feeling he had one up on me. And then when I found out where he lives, to realize that he had seen me. I totally deflated. There was no equal ground with this man. Somehow he always had the upper hand.

You all probably have guessed by now. I drove by his house today. I needed to see how close he was for sure, not just on mapquest. I could not believe how he could almost see me sitting on that bench from his window. As I was sitting at the park, another car pulled up. A woman got out of her car and was standing by the water with me a few feet away. "I'm so nervous, I can't wait to see him. Remember, I'm with you, we are having lunch. " And then a guy pulls up. She jumps in his car, they look around and savagely attack each other. Aaahh!! A secret lover rendezvous. Is that what I have looked like in the past? Is it that obvious to others around or do I just know the signs (and the call she made helped).

I am really sad tonight. I think its a combination of things. Not seeing Mr. Prize this week and not knowing when we will be able to hook up. Not for a lack of wanting but real life seems to be working against us.

And all this shit with Mr. Government. There was something that really hit me hard and I was so surprised. I've mentioned it before how I love the water. I love speed boats and just jumping in one and traveling to lunch miles away. In fact, my first ex fiance, had two boats and I used to joke that I thought leaving the boats and our house on the water behind was just as hard as our breakup. When I was looking for a house, we chose a bigger house off the water than one close and on it. I decided to sacrifice my dream of being on the water for a larger home.

So when I drove up to Mr. Governments house....my heart sank. Docked in his backyard was a huge boat, a speed boat with a sleeper cabin. He loved the water and much as I did. He knew how I loved the water but never wanted me to know that he lived on it. Our last meeting, we had spoken about boating (I had just been on a friends boat). I went on and on how much I loved the water, the breeze rushing through your hair as you just cruised. He just held me and asked questions to get me to talk more about my love for the water. He knew the story about my ex and how we lived on the water. How his parents were going to give us the house as a wedding present and they were moving to Florida. Interesting. I can't help but think he loved and enjoyed every secret that he kept from me. I don't get it.

I have to learn this is a game. A sex game. There are no true connections, they last only as long as you fuck. Kind of sad. I would have liked to be friends with my past lovers. We enjoyed each other, we made each other feel good, what's wrong with keeping in touch once in awhile as friends to say hi? I guess I have to learn the rules. And my horoscope for today.

"There is no way to change the past. you need to learn how to live with it". I guess that says it all huh? Crazy friend and I are going to see a psychic the middle of October. She had seen her before and the woman was right on. Scarily, right on. I am nervous to go...can you imagine what she will say about me?!?!

And on a possible brighter side of things...the hubby may have found a job. Not the job he wanted (or the pay you would think after so many damn months of looking) but something is better than nothing. When he gets the official call, then I will be a little happier. It might relieve some of the stress around here...which has gotten to almost unbearable levels. I think the man has really lost his marbles. His family called me (which they never do) to see if my perspective on life was normal. His has gotten quite warped. I assured them that I was normal--looking after my kids and taking care of the essentials in life. I warned them--if he didn't shape up in two months, he was out. His sister remarked--I don't know how you are staying with him. I don't even know my brother anymore. A sad remark but so true. Who is this man that I lay next to night after night? He's not the man I married. We've drifted so far apart. I don't think we will ever find our way back. But I do hope we can find some common ground--just to make it bearable.

And now the scary part. Originally, I joked that until he found a job there was no sex. So you can see how long it has been since I have slept with him. Will he expect sex next week?

Sorry for the downer post. It's actually been awhile since I felt so sad without having a real good reason. Here's to a better day tomorrow!!