Seduction of My Mind

So the drama left, the anger subsided and what is left....the hole. How ironic that the word "WHOLE" and "HOLE" are the same word yet mean exactly the opposite when it comes to your heart. I felt so WHOLE 24 hours ago and now I feel the HOLE again......rrrrrrr.

So what have I learned? Trust that damn inner voice of mine. I keep not listening. Oh I knew he was full of shit a lot...but he was feeding me the manure that I so badly wanted and that was filling up the emptiness. Tadpole and I were talking. I told him the other day, this guy was definitely not MArried Prince Charming. I knew he was handing me shit. MY hearts not broken.....I am just feeling a bruised ego. I didn't see him putting up another profile. I kept encompassing myself with his bullshit because it felt so damn good. Nothing is wrong with that because I knew. I guess the fact that he blindsided me, is what took me by surprise. That is what is pissing me off. He knew he was getting one over on me.

And reality is....I was no angel either. Okay, okay I admit it. I didn't have my profile up there BUT my feelings for Tadpole never swayed. The Fireman is still in the pix by email, I am debating whether to meet him. So technically I wasn't looking for new, but I didn't walk away from the interests I already had.

One thing I am learning from Ashley Madison is that it is addicting. That feeling of finding someone new....that desire, that tingling, that wetness......the imagination luring. The fact that this might be the guy who can make my body do things that it never has responded to.
I am being seduced by the thought of seduction.

Well, I did learn an important lesson fro this one. I know what the escape is that my inner self needs. It's definitely not just physical...its emotional too. ITs a connection....a deep connection..I like that. And it isn't true love. I'm not looking for true love....I'm not looking for a mate for life. I am looking for the physical and emotional connection along with reality that we belong to someone else. And honesty...I need to know the feelings are genuine. That's all I ask. That if you really like my smile....tell me. But if you don't...don't lie because it will get you in my pants.

Having been so busy, I didn't get to share all the nice things I had experienced. He seduced my mind...it was amazing. And that is what I am looking for. A man who mentally fulfills me in a way. How bizarre but think about it. The guys I am attracted to have all been extremely smart, witty and personable. It's not a mistake..its what I look for.

Okay, I am babbling.....I am back. Starting Wednesday, my life returns to what it was before and truthfully.....that's okay for now. How sad I feel I took so many steps back this week. I was almost at that door. Damn...I was sooo close to a total emotional and physical thing....