Under Survellance....

It's been hard for me to blog lately and quite honestly, I do miss the escape. I love to tell you my inner thoughts, I love to place them up here for you all to read. It's as if you are my inner souls talking to me. I know it sounds strange, but I truly use this as my journal. I have rarily gone back to read it. It's as if its a dumping ground of my heart and soul.

Lately its been harder to write for a few reasons. One, I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel.....I'm still so far away, but it seems more attainable these days. So I have been working like crazy to reach that light. But I have been on a treadmill and well, I don't know if I am going at it the right way. It's political, its confusing....its more drama that I just don't really need. Life is so political and its who you know. I hope I am playing my cards right.

Well, I have to tell you....it amazes me on how drama finds me. I truly do not search it out. but it always finds me. Yesterday....was so typical of my life..I swear you couldn't even make this stuff up.

The hubby pulled the same shit again. It doesn't change for him because he doesn't see anything wrong with what he does. And reality, its not going to change. We will never see eye to eye on things and honestly, he's instilling into my children that his way is normal. So, now I am beginning to think that him being around them is truly not a good thing but there is a hysterical story so stick with me here.

My child wanted a new piece of sporting equipment. I can't afford it and he was going to take it out of the money that he made. So far, so good right? Well the payment didn't come in so I said we have to wait for you to purchase it. Hubby went behind my back and took the mortgage money to lay out the money for it. Mind you, I have been working 3 different jobs....and I scraped the money together....and now a chunk was gone. Feeling defeated (AGAIN) I waited for his pay to come in and paid the mortgage (basically scrapping every penny). So this week, there is truly no money around ( I hid $30....luckily so I could buy groceries for the kids and medicine for the little one). Personally, its disgusting that life has gotten to this point. Writing what I just wrote makes me sick to my stomach. I never lived like this...EVER.

Anyway, so the hubby calls and says he needs gas. I just meet him and give him money. Sorry dude! There is none I told him. His answer, I should have waited till this week to pay the mortgage. Not, I shouldn't have bought the sporting equipment. Not, we are already two months behind. None of that. No, I was wrong for being responsible and trying to get out of debt as he just shovels on more. I hung up on him. Called my girlfriend as sat there freaking out on the phone in front of the pharmacy.

For 15 minutes I went on and on how bad my day was. I noticed people walking outside my car but I wasn't really paying attention. There was a guy in a car behind me but I wasn't paying attention. Finally as I was saying how I can't take these days...there is a tap on my window. I look over and its a guy with a ponytail...looking not like your model citizen. I was afraid to open the window. All of a sudden, he flashes a badge. I'm on the phone with my girlfriend still....is it illegal to sit in front of a meter that was missing the meter? "Is your name Pam?" "No I say". Do you have any ID? I show him my ID.....he had already run my plates to know the car was in my name and I had my license. They were looking for a suspect that fit my description for bad prescriptions. they had been surveillancing me for the 15 minutes but I wouldn't get out of the car. They were afraid I was going to be tipped off that they already arrested the two other people they were looking for.

Geez!! Like my day wasn't bad enough. Well, I started laughing hysterical. I never wear my hair in a ponytail (and today I did). I grabbed my winter jacket with the fur on the collar and was complaining that I was hot. They showed me the description of the female they were looking for because they felt bad that they stopped me like that. Hee.hee. I told him how I was complaining what a bad day I was having and now I almost got arrested. How crazy was that. MY girlfriend was dying on the phone. the cop could hear her laughing. Now he was laughing. So no matter how I try to keep the drama down...the drama finds me.

My life is so bizarre. Yeah, its 2:30AM...I can't sleep. the kids were all up, got me up,they went back to sleep and I am pacing the floors. You Win! and I are okay. He lives so far away. Right now he's been enough. I can't figure him out but what else is new. He says I am too insecure yet he keeps trying to make me that way. Says he was meeting a girl yesterday to see my reaction. HELLO??!?! We all know I am soooo damn jealous. It's not the jealousy as it is the insecurity of thinking that he found someone better than me. That's what it comes down to. He was Bullshitting (or was he?!)

Springer called me and emailed me. He is definitely done. He wants to have a threesome. So now its as if it can't be the two of us....before he gets serious with his girlfriend (hmm..I thought you were already)...he wants to have a threesome with me and another girl. I should ask my friends. Oh, yeah!! Does he think I belong to a swingers club? Please....I'm done.

so here I am....alone. Lately, I have been thinking about starting over. Moving to another state...more affordable with the kids and beginning again.