Inner reflection. What do I want? I have been truly soul searching lately. Lots of men chatting but its not like it was in the past. Am I changing or is it getting old? I don't even feel like any of these men are worthy of my blog. Oh my theory, they always come back holds again for me and even my girlfriends are giggling that guys they have spoken to in the past have resurfaced. But to me that means that they found someone they had liked better, its over and now they are back. Hmmm....they aren't returning to my life. Mr. Rockstar contacted me this week to see him. Reality, it wasn't hot before, I am not wasting my time. And then there are others online. I probably chat with three men a week. But none that I feel special with.
I guess I am feeling sorry for myself right now. I feel like a second fiddle or is this what dating is all about? I want to be the special one. Not exclusive but the one the guy likes the best. Is that silly? Is that just my insecurities? Probably both. So I decided to slow down on the men. The Lamborghini guy turned out to be a player. Damn, I was so stupid with that one. I look back now and see how he lured me in. And all the men you told me to stay away from....you were all right...each one a disaster.
Today, there is Mr. Porsche and I am still in contact with Mr. Cableman, Mr. Security and Mr. Divorce Attorney but that is really it. Mr. Astronaut has fallen off the face of the earth and I am glad actually. So now what? Mr. Porsche is never leaving his wife (and that is truly fine with me). I do love him but realistically he wouldn't fit into my world. He is tough and I couldn't even imagine his expectations at home. Funny how being a mistress has a whole different set of rules which I actually like with him.
So here I sit probably the most alone I have been in almost five years. I am at a crossroad. I need to get my ex out of my life and stop popping in on me, I need to work on me, I need to work on the kids and I need to work harder since my bosses expectations keep growing more and more. The construction is almost done on my house. How ironic, the thought of moving when I haven't even completed the work on my house is something I am considering now. I decided August is a big month for me. I am going to place that as the month to seriously re-evaluate and not make any major moves till then. Wow, life is so difficult. Parents aging, my dad got another bad report, my mom is losing her mind. I gotta a lot on my plate these days. Feels good to unload.
4 comments:
I find that you can never be truly happy until you know yourself, your hopes, needs, wants and dreams. Cheri angel, don't see doing this as a negative thing, look forward to finding your way.
Hi Diggestive...thank you. I know you are right. It's just a little lonely and a scary road. I truly believe nothing is harder than finding yourself and soul searching..
It is scary, hard and in my case never ending but it will get better
We all need time to reflect and step off the roller coaster that's life. Maybe you need to do that for a while.
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