Combustion

I arrived home from work today...totally dragging my ass. A tiring day and not exactly as good as I had hoped from a work perspective. In addition, a husband who once again...wanted me to solve problems for him. I was dragging..I arrived home barily able to open the front door.

I arrive home to two emails. One from tadpole....letting me know how I have no patience. He's right, I don't. I like to have everything figured out. I like to know where I stand with something and well lately I feel like I have been doing all the calling. I apologized...I was playing with him about losing his number and then when he didn't call me back (for probably the third time) I felt like I was bothering him. Yes, I over reacted.

Oh but then I got the clincher. I thankfully opened Tadpoles first...because when I opened Mr. Government's I went into a total mental breakdown. The rage that was flying through me we are talking a major combustion. Once again, reiterating that he finds me sexy, enjoys me, blah, blah blah....but I need an affair that someone can be my friend too. He can't get close. Too many affairs with emotions cause problems. Wait----he analyzed my email and told me how I feel. Yes, he ANALYZED IT...and Told me how I FEEL!! I wasn't mad yet. Fine, its over was what I thought. He is off base. If he can find a girl who just wants an email every two weeks go fuck her.

Well the bastard then sent an email to my other Ashley account. Hi, how are you? Okay, he knew it was me? He had too. What the fuck!?! Talk about being played like a puppet. I'm tired, tired of being a puppet. This sent me into an out of control melt down. He said to look somewhere else and now he is playing with me to what...be cute or to pour salt in the wound? Okay, this was the finale.

I sent him an email. Oh, I laid it on the line. I basically told him to find a prostitute....I told him that I know what I am looking for...I confessed to other men and told him I slept with someone else...I told him...don't ANALYZE ME...how dare you---I admitted that the sex between us was hot and better than the other--BUT how dare he be the judge and juror...okay, my words were slightly harsh. I signed it with the other Ashley Name. Either you are in my life and you bend a little or we are finished. Done. end. I am not settling anymore.

Well I sent a text message too because it could be days before he reads his email and well my pressure was bursting. "Are you for real? IF you wanted to send me into a rage, you succeeded".

"McFly, I was teasing you. Rage--you act like you found your husband cheating" (this was before he read my email--oh he will not be happy. And my husband has nothing to do with this. Rage--rage for being played a fool not jealous rage asshole)

My response.... You made it clear...your looking, I'm looking...this McFly has 2 fly"

I am alone tonight. What a waste of a night. I just sat and cried and cried and cried. Felt good to let out all this frustration. I've been under a lot of pressure with work, this party and having the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm having a hard time holding up all this weight.

Ran into a friend today I haven't seen in a long time. She introduced me to her co-workers as "The Most Amazing Person She Knows". How I am unbelievable at what I can do....how I keep it all together, how successful I am in all aspects of my life. I almost broke down in tears. That description is of the person I was some time ago. That person collapsed with so much weight on her shoulders. That person could make a million dollar business decision and not even flinch while juggling two charity events without even blinking and raising three kids with disabilities while planting an award winning garden. What happened to me??

Continued...
I awoke today to a text message from Mr. Government. We have been fighting back and forth all day. So let's see, I wanted text message every couple of days and now you can text me 6 times in a day because we are fighting but one hey baby, thinking of you...you never had time for?

I am so mystified at what he wants from me. He didn't say good by but he did. He wants me to say that he is right...but I won't. I told him....its sad, what we have and had is great but we are throwing it away for what you are afraid will happen. Ridiculous!! We owe each other nothing is his thoughts. He's right. no one owes anybody anything. But at least let's be on the same page if we are throwing it away.

I cannot be a puppet anymore. So my final words...call me tomorrow or meet me for 10 minutes. If you won't do that, we might as well never talk again.

You see, I could throw it away...its way too much energy. But flashes of the great sex we had keeps going through my head. The last time we were together....he opened the door and pulled me in so close to him. Hi was all we said before we ravished each other. We are talking out of control attacking each other. I threw him up against the wall and we started ripping wach others clothes off. It was soo hot, it was intense. It was what I had always wanted in my wildest fantasies. The animalistic desire was overwhelming....we barily could make it to the bed.

So do I just walk? I know the answer. I know its time to move on. My head says just go he's not worth the energy. There is a guy out there who will give you what you want. But my insides crave that passion, that desire. I don't even want to talk---I want to just screw. I want to have orgasm after orgasm after orgasm.