It's rare when I take off from work and hang with the kids. Today I decided to do just that. If I am going to be alone..I am going to have to do that more often. So I decided, today was the perfect day to start. We began with some major outlet shopping. I have always been one to splurge when I was sad. And today, I did just that. Of course, it didn't help but it was fun walking around with the kids and shopping. Ironically, the outlets are a town away from MM.
I knew I wasn't going to see him. But it got me thinking.....thinking how he hadn't answered any of my last emails. Thinking how he judged me so.....I mean here is a man who lied to me about his name and allowed me to continue to call him that during sex. Who should really be mad here? I know, let the past go....but the anger comes from how he controlled so many things. Down to him seeing me squirm and cry when he chose to say goodby without any warning. Basically leaving me dazed and confused..that wasn't closure for me....it took awhile to sink in....no chance for rebuttal, no chance for discussion. I guess anger comes up at times when you think back on things and today was one of those days. Like the rug got pulled out from you. Rrr...now here is the part I would tell you an irrational thought I had BUT remember, he still controls me in a bizarre way. He could read my blog whenever he wants. He can catch up on my life whenever he wants...once again, I have no control except to stop writing and I refuse. BTW, the irrational thought, for the record, I am not ever going to do....lol Back to the day...
We went to a famous Italian restaurant. I needed special seating so I went up to the owner....and for the first time, I got tongue tied, got lost in my trend of thought and got mesmerized by these deep, dark, gorgeous black eyes. How embarrassing, this has never ever happened to me. This guy was just like I like them....tall, dark and handsome. I looked like shit so I didn't expect him to respond...he did with a smile but part of me thinks that he is used to women getting lost in his eyes. Dimples and a smile and deep, deep eyes. I got my special setting, actually a special table in the back..the VIP table and he bought me a glass of wine. But he was being polite. I will return one night looking hot.
I came home and my text rang. The fireman re-appeared. Here's the thing, I was sick but he didn't know that. He appears and disappears. I hate when men do that. Actually, I guess if MM didn't play that game I might tolerate it from others just a little bit but that is now at the top of my list of hate things. Men do that and it is annoying. The surgeon.....at 2AM the other night..hey are you up? Well I was but I didn't feel like dealing with him, so I ignored him. So now the fireman....well I wrote him nicely....call me next week. until we meet, I don't want to chat on text.
So another night and I am beat. Time for bed......sweat dreams. this inner soul searching I have been doing is sooooo tiring...lol
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