Closure-Finding the Strength-Singing the Blues

The hardest thing is when you have to let go of something that you really care about. I don't know why I care so much and obviously I felt more of a connection that my Soulmate Chris did.

With Chris, it was totally a soulmate thing. The connection I felt with him was probably something I have never felt with someone else. It was all our common interests, our similiar thinking and the fact that he was able to motivate me to do so many things in my life. He was able to get me to take action on things. He was able to reach deep inside of me and get my inner soul to take action. At least when he was there for me (which has been awhile).

Our relationship was never easy. In fact, it was explosive. We were so good for each others minds in some ways and yet poisonous in others.

Did I feel more for him than friendship? Yeah, I did for a long time. Probably because it wasn't a pure physical attraction. Actually, Chris isn't my type at all. He's good looking but doesn't fit any of my past attractions. In fact, he had won me over in Philanderers with his words, his funny way and his compassion.

When we met, it was electrifying. I've never felt such a balance in my heart or my soul when he held me in his arms or he kissed my lips. Even during our horrible fucking session.......I remember saying how he fit perfectly........and he did!

So we moved on to friendship and I truly moved on in my search for Mr. Married Prince Charming. Knowing that he was right. Our friendship was worth so much more than some fucking sessions.

And now, our friendship is gone. Sometimes words run just too deep, hurt too much and you wake up and say...he doesn't care about me. So today, I layed it all on the line. Fight for our friendship. Show me that it is worth the saving! But he refused to. He refused to fight to save it. It's too high maintenance, it's too hard for him (funny how I thought I was working much harder at it).

So, I wanted him to make the decision and he did. So I put together all his website stuff that he would need, sent anything that would require any further communications AND packed it all up and emailed it to him.

So now, my soul and my heart does hurt. And the tears are falling from my eyes. It's like a part of me has died. But I know it hurts now but it will be better in the long run. I can't rollercoaster.....I can't look back. I need to focus on the future........move ahead.

This is truly the hardest loss I have taken in a long time.

So, that is it. Sadly it looks like the chapter of "My Soulmate Chris" has come to a sad ending. No fairytale endings here, just me singing the blues. But I have too much respect for myself to feel used like that. Too much respect for myself to accept anything less than what I deserve. And I am walking away feeling that I tried and that I will miss him terribly. And I do feel a huge void. But I walk away knowing that I was a great friend and in the end, he will be very sorry that he lost me, that he let me go without a fight! Ciao mi amor!!