Reality is sinking in....

Probably the worst thing I could do was have read one of those romance books. You know, the one where the sex is amazing and the man adores the woman, love so deep, lovemaking so intense. Oh, how I yearn to be loved and to love with such desire....to be held and wanted and to make love to someone with such a passion. Is this only something that exists in romance books? I truly do not know anyone who has such a life....

So now I sat by my big window on my lounging chair....that's why I had put that chair there and I had built this little area, realizing, I have never used it. Today I sat and thought...can I truly do this alone because that is what I would be alone. Alone to juggle the three children, alone to pay the mortgage, get up at night and then there is my work...I would have to work even harder to keep this life together. Damn, how I wish my marriage had worked out. Tears roll down my face...I am scared.....part of me wants to just leave and escape it all. Am I dreaming of happiness and it doesn't exist? The tears begin to flow uncontrollably as I look out the window...and the phone rings.

It is the divorce attorney. The man has such balls calling me on a Sunday afternoon but honestly, I welcome the interruption now. I told him I made the appointment for the mediator. He offers to meet me today to talk about it but I know what he really wants. I hint to him that how ironic I have him as a friend and you haven't helped me at all. His help sucks....he says that we are going to have to share the proceeds of the house. I don't like that. If I am the one who is going to suffer the next 30 years paying this mortgage...he deserves nothing especially since his share of child support will not even hit $1,000 a month. It just doesn't seem fair this law.

I told him I would probably be a shut in...that I won't have much time to get out and my life will change and at first not for the better. Well I will have to come over and hold you and we can watch tv and fool around when your kids go to sleep. And then you can go out and fool around with other men and tell me all about it. A strange thing....he likes to hear about other men. I laughed and he began telling me that he was lying there thinking about me with a super hard cock and that all he can think about is doing me. I close my door....I pulled down my pants, that's what I needed....a little balance.....doing circles on my clit, I told him that I imagined myself sitting by the window masturbating as he came in and saw me on the lounging chair....in front of the big picture window he comes in and thrusts his cock deep inside of me. Doing circles, I could feel myself climaxing about to orgasm and for him that's all he needed to climax. At the same time, you could hear us both moan. And then I began to giggle...less than three minutes ago, I was sitting in front of this window declaring a new nunhood for myself and the phone rung and here I am....cumming and making someone else cum.....too funny.

Well his call was perfect timing. It was what I needed to get my mind back on track. I am dreading getting the financial stuff together and lying everything out for the mediator tomorrow. My son keeps asking where we are going...I dread telling people. I dread telling my son. This sucks but I need to be happy. I want my freedom. I guess freedom comes at a high cost. I just hope I am not going to be stuck in all the time, working and taking care of the kids. Oh this truly sucks. I need to get my shit together.