Distraught! Love'em But Won't Do'em?!

dis·traught ( P ) Pronunciation Key (d-strôt)adj.
Deeply agitated, as from emotional conflict.
Mad; insane.
Interesting?! Didn't expect to see the mad and insane when I looked for the definition. Now that is a little scary!! And before you think I totally flipped, the name of this pix is called "Distraught"....pretty deep huh? Well, the thought of sitting on a bench and staring at a garden of flowers all day does sound quite appealling to me lately. I always tell my family to make sure the institution they put me in has flowers and a garden so I can sit there and read and paint all day.

So, why am I so "distraught"? I don't know. I should be jumping for joy. I should be ecstatic, but I am not. I don't understand it. Chris sent me the nicest note last night that made me cry. It just said how he knows he hasn't been that supportive and he was sorry and that he really wants to be there for me. Zorro has been the most unbelievable friend that I could have. He has been my confidant, my shoulder, my strength. And Mr. Navigator, well things are progressing rather quickly. And my post tonight should be about the great couple of days I've had communicating back and forth with him. It's been getting hot and heavy by email.

And, I closed the door on Mr. Government if you remember. I left him a message, sent a text message...it was over in my head. And then tonight, it said 6 messages after my bath. I expected them to be from Mr. Navigator and Ashley Madison BUT stuck in between those was one from Mr. Government. Basically how are you, I miss you. There was a huge whole and aching in my chest tonight before but now it feels like the Grand Canyon and I have a bottomless pit! More than anything I want to be in his arms but I can't play the rollercoaster. And Mr. Navigator..... too many men, too many men. And what the fuck! I am still not happy. The truth, no matter how hard I have been trying to surpress reality.....it fucking won't go away! Okay, drama moment over...my real blog tonight was something said by a few men I've met on the site.

On these married personal sites there are really a few different types of men. One that say they love their wives but their wives don't want to have sex anymore (they have an emotional void as well), those that say they really are no longer in love with their wives.

And then the third group...men who say they are in love with their wives but they do not want to have sex with them. Their wives are into them but they aren't into them but they love them. Okay, so my question...what the fuck is this? There are about 10 different definitions of love and not one of them fit this love. So what do they mean? Both Booty Caller and Mr. Navigator have said this. And I don't understand it. They don't want to sleep with their wives yet they do love them. Their wives want to screw their brains out, yet they love them and don't want them. Hmmmm??

I'm trying to understand. Obviously it does exist but I am quite thick when it comes to understanding it. I admit, maybe because I can't imagine being in love with someone and not wanting to sleep with them. Why? I admit that sadly, I do not think I am in love with my husband anymore. There is so much bitterness, so much anger, so much frustration that I can't imagine love is still buried under there. Of course, there is always hope that one day it will re-surface but I truly doubt it. But that will explain my lack of desire to want to be with him.

So my question tonight--- if you love someone, why wouldn't you want to be with them physically? Do you love them like a pet, like a sister, like what?!?

And finally, Hale McKay sent me this funny pix and well it just made me laugh that tears were rolling down my face. Thanks Hale! My interpretation "Yes! I have found it, I have found the most perfect penis and I am never letting go...it is mine, it is all mine! I will not share!" What do you think?!? Okay, something as warped as this has potential to bring me out of my slump!