Mental Masturbation and Escaping from Reality

Yup! I already tubbed it tonight! Relaxed, did my luscious jet thing and I'm ready to blog! My tub was a little different tonight. I was relaxing but I found tears slowly rolling down my face. It was the realization that I am not where I want to be in life. The realization that I want to fill a void that at times is has grown as large as the Grand Canyon.

I also realized that I seem to find men who always feel the urge to bring me back to reality. I know reality----I wake up every morning to getting kids off the school, the bickering with the hubby, the bills piling up, the commitment I have--don't worry--no matter how hard I tried to escape--reality is always a knockin on the door.

So I want the getaway---take me to fantasyland! Take me away to a place where you and I are IT. A place where no one else exists. Somewhere that we can just please each other. I want to give myself to a man 100%....I want him to look at me and I can see in his eyes his want for me. Yes, behind close doors, we will just fulfill each others wildest fantasies. No need to remind each other of what awaits outside those closed doors....we know too well. Let's forget our spouses, lets forget the children, lets forget it all! Just me and you and our built up passions, desires and dreams! No, it's not reality but is it so bad to want that escape?!?

So back to reality......so far since my blogging, website and podcast...I have only received positive feedback which is so nice...thank you all. The only one piece of negativity was when I mentioned my Five Year Plan--she took my plan as a way to be a money sucking bitch. That is not what was intended but I kind of started to move away from it after she said that.

But reality is.....I don't know if I want to be here anymore. I think I deserve to have a man come to my door and have my heart skip a beat. I deserve to look at a man and just want to undress him and fulfill his fantasies. I am not saying I want to divorce and re-marry. I don't think I would ever re-marry. But I want my heart to feel filled with joy and excitement again. So as I was in the tub, I decided I am going to go back to my 5 year plan...yes...I want to know that if I stay in this marriage--it's not because I can't figure out a way to financially get out of it.

So, five year plan here I come! You are back.....I need to start re-organzing it and give it another name. As I was looking for pix, I noticed that Stalin was famous for his 5 Year Plan for socialism. Great, soldiers and socialism on one site, of course that is why the government is popping by.....

If you don't remember, I had made a plan to put away enough money and plan a way to get out of my marriage...hence, 5 years to reach my goal. At the end of the time frame, I will look around me and decide whether I want to stay married. IF I do, then I was going to do some Nip/Tuck to myself. If not, I was going to ask for a divorce. So I need to re-name it, Cheri's Escape Plan is its new name.

Quiet on the man front tonight..... soldier boy is out of town (sigh). Zorro has his little girlfriend in town, Mr. Government--I answered his email (surprising I waited a little bit), Chris and I spoke the other day...we're okay. He has pulled so far away--he did say "that I am a Drama Queen (me?!?!? LOL) and that we are going to be friends for ever...he thinks I am awesome etc. etc. But I still feel a distance--I miss calling him or IMing him on business things, stupid things etc.

And everyone's favorite--Divorce Attorney!! Actually, I have gotten him figured out a little. He is a man who has been totally ignored by his wife. He just wants to feel like he is wanted and that he wins First Prize in someones eyes (sounds familiar?). I had a long talk with him today. I give him credit, he really is attentive. He is good with his words and he has stopped that disrespectful dirty talk since we've met.

And I've started a new approach---I start off with what I need!! Yup! No more beating around the bush...I tell them what I want and need. I need emotional and physical.....you know the rest. Surprisingly, he didn't run. "I want to spoil you. I want to fulfill you totally, you deserve it". So before I hand out the barf bags!! Come on, it sounds good. Look, let's be realistic here...the other men on my list are not coming through so maybe I should give him a chance. I'm thinking about it!! He knows about Mr. Government--I am always honest. And he is willing to hang around until I decide what I want to do.

So, last nights rant and rave was brought on by my Mental Masturbation Poem crashing. So here it is, just click on the link to the page at Rendezvous Radio. This poem was written a few weeks ago, as I sat at my desk and could not concentrate on a conference call or my employees talking to me. Yet, no one knew what was going through my head.

Enjoy the poem and Sweet Wet Dreams Till Tomorrow!!