Distance is sooo hard. What starts out as a few honest words can be dragged out to a whole day of drama. DigEm and I had a crappy day today. Email is lacking emotion and leaves so much for interpretation and many times the wrong interpretation. I was trying to say that our agreement to see other people sometimes hurts me. Especially when I know when he is fucking someone else. Let's be realistic...if you knew that the person you wanted to be with was so far away and that you knew from 5PM-7PM on Thursday, they were meeting and fucking someone....how would you feel?
Well it makes me nuts. I am actually jealous that it is not me in his arms. I was saying how I have been seeing these other guys but they are not him, we don't have the connection likeI have with him and I wonder if I am seein them just so that I don't feel like I am pressuring us right now. I knmow that if he was here, I would just want him.
So me trying to explain that, he comes back with "if I am making you sad and upset, then we have to stop". Well the thought of losing him, makes me really upset so now he is making me not just a little jealous/frustrated but now I am upset, sad, feel emptiness in my heart and I begin to cry.
And the emails going back and forth were just getting more and more depressing. A situation that face to face would have been solved with one hug...is now turning into an avalanche...neither one of us getting across what we mean. Body language, touch, eyes, expression not being a part of a discussion that it is so desperately needed in.
So, both of us exhausted and drained. And now I am feeling empty. If he was here right now, I would just reach out and wrap his arms around me. I would look into his eyes and everything would be fine. I would brush my hand against his cheek and kiss his lips so softly...then I would cuddle with him. Its touch that could have solved this and its so hard for us to do that.
So we are left to open interpretation of typed words. I am sadder than I was before the whole conversation started. I am feeling like I am not so important to him. I am feeling like he would dump me if he could. I need re-assurance....he is not giving it to me. The question is, does he not want to re-assure me because he's looking for an out OR does he not realize that I need the re-assurance right now?
Not sure....but all I know is that I will be closing my eyes tonight feeling an emptiness in my heart. I feel like I am losing a part of me tonight....left unresolved.
A connection of souls is so damn fulfilling when things are good yet so empty when they are bad. Sigh.....I broke the rules, I called tonight. I knew his wife wasn't around but he didn't pick up. Don't think I did anything right tonight....do I forge ahead or retreat?
6 comments:
Besides your proclamation to "hubby," I see not much has happened for you lately. I'm behind on all my blog reading lately and slowly trying to catch up.
Ooh ... You read all four parts of "Her Cups Runneth Over" at once?
Don't forget - the sexy mystery girl,Nova is modeled after my image of YOU!
The next chapter, and any after that, will appear on Fridays until the story is complete.
P.S. It's always good toe those lips on comments at my site.
xoxox
oops!
"It's always good to see those lips....."
(See how excited you got me!)
XOXOX
Hang in there babe, things will work out the way they should, not necissarily how we want or plan, but how they should.
Been there, doing that, got the scars.
Amazing how similar situations can be.
Life throws us a few "speed" bumps but we seem to get over them. And you will do the same. I know you will do just fine.
I'm going through a few so-called bumps myself.
Take care sweet thang!
Again, is there honor among thieves? Hard to say. This is one of those situations where you don't want to care, but you do. It hurts because you know that he doesn't really "belong" to you, but yet, you feel that he does, and that hurts more.
So, for now, do what you feel is best for you, and know that there are always people to catch you should you fall.
Hale--hehe. I love the story and can't wait to find out if I am a killer!! (lol) Can't wait to read the rest!! xoxoxo
Soccer Dad-yeah, they do work themselves out. Sometimes we don't know why but they do resolve themselves (yet not always the way we want)....you too baby! Hang in there!!
Scarlett--speed bumps..oh yeah..we've had our share my girl! My West Coast Partner in Crime...hang in there darling, gotta love our rollercoaster rides!
Pretender-Thanks sweetie for those kind words. I appreciate them. And yes, there are people to catch me and I am truly happy my blogger friends/friends are there! xoxo
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