When Do You Know?

when do you know that it is enough? When do you know when you have reached your limit and you can't do it anymore? He's not physically abusive....to me that would not even be up for discussion.

So when do you know its the end? I think I know. I know, I know. It is time.

I have been working to save the house with the mortgage company. My options are slim. I have no choice, I need to do this. I don't think I can afford to pay it but somehow I am going to have to do it.

Reality sunk in today. He's on unemployment....they request a few checkins. He's been going on interviews, he's been sending out resumes, they just require to see you are looking. He missed three appointments. They refuse to give him his check this week. Hence, the car payment was on me. To the bank I went......taking out the last of my funds.....

I've never been a quitter. I've never given up on anything in my life. But look when I am writing this....its 4AM...I am still working. I am hustling nonstop....I am dead. My kids don't sleep,I made him go lay with the one who was running around at 3AM. Not so I could sleep, but so I could finish working on a project. In 2 hours, I have to get up for the day....

I am not a religious person. But today, someone said to me that I am Job. Who is Job, I asked. It's someone in the Bible who God kept doing horrible things to and he still had the faith. I laughed and said I guess I am Jobess!!

Mr. Porsche is a street smart business man. I sat with him tonight on the phone (not really caring if my husband even heard--it was an advice session). Quite honestly I trust him and his business sense. So he confirmed many of the things I was thinking, many of the directions I was considering as options. I hesitated to tell him my shit (I would never tell Mystery Man) but with him its different. We are friends first. The truth--he was so angry. Tell him to get a fucking job sweeping the streets...damn it, he needs to start helping you. You can't do it alone.

What I wanted to do was just crawl into his arms....release some of my anxiety and tears and crawl up like a little girl just for a few minutes and absorb some of his strength.

Okay, I have to get two hours. Today I have meetings and a big day at the lawyers. And you know my thoughts, every day is a new day. Well I have to get at least an hour of sleep to declare that! I will wake up tomorrow and gather the information I need for the lawyer. Ironically Divorce Attorney called me today to meet. I told him I can't, I have a meeting with a divorce attorney. Save your money, he said....I will take you to lunch and give you free advice. Honestly, he wants me...not an actual impartial person AND I am too embarrassed for him to see all my shit.

Sigh...tomorrow will be better....right?