It's Out

Well today was a tough day. All the shit hit the fan. I laid it on the line with the hubby and it sunk in finally. I want a divorce. I'm not happy, your not happy..we can't go on living like this....

His response, let's go to therapy. Geez, that might have worked 3 years ago. So much has happened, so much has built up-sadly, it's too late. I cried. I told him that I just want my freedom. There's got to be more out there for both of us. For the most part it was a humane conversation.

I don't know how I am going to do it. I just know that I am not happy with things like this. I am sooo sad. I failed. I never give up. But I did. So, now what? Ironically, he has no place to go. We are both alone in some ways. It's sad, very sad.

But I need to do this. I need to get on my feet and pull myself up. I need to get my shit together. yeah, I am talking to myself there...hehehe. So what do I feel inside right now?

Fear. Sadness. Concern. Guilt.
And then there is
Hope. Desire. Excitement.
But Fear is right now the leader. I am alone.

I threw myself in bed after our talk and I slept. He managed to go around and do stuff around the house that I have been asking him to do. how ironic is that. I am frozen right now. I started the ball its time to start it rolling. It's truly what I want...I hope I can make it.

The realization that I have right now. Some people eave their marriages because they are sexually unhappy. well the truth is, i am extremely content right now sexually. I took that freedom a long time ago. So, its deeper than that. I need my financial freedom right now. I need to take care of my children. I need to stop having unexpected bricks land on my head. And that's what he does to me.

What made me decide to do it now? I was in the middle of planning. Well, the truth is...the liens cannot be removed until the financial obligations are met (he hadn't totally taken care of the one i thought he did). So I thought about it, I have been paying over $30,000 into the house and bills the last 6 months. He has given me no money. So, do I keep going on like this as he doesnt get a job. Quite frankly, I am helping him by doing this. forcing him to get a job...forcing him to get his life on track. I guess all else falled so I have to give him the Tough Love for his children's sake.

And, obviously with this revelation...I didn't meet mystery man. all of a sudden my sex drive died! Mr. Porsche knows what I did and he understands it isn't because of him so we are fine. Mystery Man made it quite clear....the day I am getting separated, we have to end. So, I told him straight out...I just won't tell you. And that is what I am going to do.

I asked him, do you know what wednesday is? He ignored me....he knows!! lol