A Major Leap

Yes, that's it...it's a major leap. It's not baby steps, its not a hurdle on a track or a horse...its like the leap they take in the movies from one building to the other....Yes, I would be much happier if I were not with him. I mean here's an example...I cleaned, made dinner, did all the dishes and he was going to give the kids baths. He chose to give one a bath. The other is harder. Hmmmmm....the anger inside of me is exploding.

I don't hate him as a person. Actually, he's not a bad person. But I do realize that even if we didn't have these financial issues....I still wouldn't love him. Too much has happened. I would want to be friends. Is that possible?

It's different now. Before I was miserable, desperate, almost suicidal. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. Now, I am petrified but I feel alive. Petrified because I don't see a set salary. So that scares me. Should I change jobs? I am thinking about it....at least look...so I can get a little security.

But this past two weeks....has been a great feeling. It's going to sound lame to you but all my bills were paid (ok not off, but payments were made) and I was able to go and buy something for each of my kids. It felt amazing!

Saying that sounds ridiculous in some ways because people on the outside world would never know. I mean I have a beautiful house, ok cars, live in a middle to upper class neighborhood. I work for some of the richest professionals in the area, eat at the most expensive places (business dinners)....yet I suffer internally.

So I sit here and as I am writing this I think...what would it feel like to be on my own? It would be tough but in other ways it would be amazing. My soul is yearning for the freedom. Would there be a Screwperman there if I needed him to save me as I fell?

Okay, another week. Settle down....a new month is approaching. I need to concentrate, I need to focus...I need to keep on track. I want to give you a little warning....its that time of the month. Yes, both Mr. Porsche and Mystery Man are not going to be happy boys BUT think of the alternative....I know what each will think....ahhhh, her mouth still works!!! LOL

Sweet Wet Dreams!!!