Flashbacks

I am up very late working many nights. And quite frankly, it is this time of the night when those flashbacks come flooding through. Is it because it is quiet in the house? Is it because my mind is unwinding? I usually choose a tedious, not too creative brain work that needs to be done. Tonight, I am working on a mailing list sorting.....obviously not very challenging because I am listening to music I had put together awhile ago and now I realize that its filled with memories....funny how music can also spark flashbacks...

I was a little afraid today. I really thought I was losing it. My mind was in so many fragmented pieces.....I know that sounds crazy but I was multi-tasking on so many levels that I couldn't remember anything...I lost my money card three times....I just was a mess. I know I am in a funky place right now. After a shower, I felt a little better...whew....I can't lose it. I think I just hit overload.

So, I was sitting here tonight and thinking...flashbacks of me and MM coming flying in my head. We have so many memories.....so many good times......and even the simplest moments like us lying in bed and him holding me in his arms and a song playing "Chasing Cars"...nothing special happened at that moment but it was the emotional balance and satisfaction I was feeling just at that moment.....the way we just had wild sex and slow intense sex, I was exhausted and there was no other place in the world I would have wanted to be.

It hit me the other day when I was writing him back.....Everyone on Ashley Madison and 80% of the world looking for is looking for someone who they feel that void fulfilled, have mindblowin sex and someone that you can laugh with and makes you enjoy the time you aren't together by great communication.. And that's what we had. Yes, there was stuff missing....but ironically I had what I had been searching for..... amazing sex and laughter. So how do you throw that away? And even more scary, will I ever find it again?

Mr. Porsche and I are on a different level...a very different level. He is my best friend, my protector in so many ways and my business intellectual confidant. Is it possible to have such a different relationship with two lovers. The two together truly completed me. And since they both have their wives, I shouldn't feel guilty in the slightest (but somehow MM made me feel dirty and slutty).