Reading the comments from the last post actually confirmed what I was feeling on my way home tonight. Driving in the car, listening to the radio, I sometimes feel inside like there is a ping pong match going on.
What happens is pretty simple if you look back in history. MM disappears and I felt that void and hurt and rejection. The emptiness is in my heart and my first reaction is to not feel the rejection and not feel the emptiness so I have a knee jerk reaction and rush back to Ashley Madison. For a woman on Ashley, you are showered with emails after you sign on. You are given tons of attention and men tell you how pretty you are. You have tons of men who want to meet you...so as lame as it is, it helps my ego. It also is a temper tantrum....fine, he doesn't want me--I'll find someone who does.... hence, a new frog or two appear on the radar.....I think MM is gone and then he comes back. Afraid that he is going to disappear again, I held on to a frog just in case. This time, it didn't work that way...
Yes, anonymous, I agree, I should find myself. Actually I know what I need to do, it's just the hubby has no place to go. Oh the thought of freedom is amazing and also very scary since I am just doing ok right now. I am afraid.... And honestly, the last three years, I have found out a lot about myself and have grown because of the blog and my friends here.
Of course, Hot Dandelion is also right. For me, a married man is the right thing right now. I certainly do not want a commitment or someone that is going to think of a long term thing. Single men want commitments, they are in search for the right girl, I am not the one for them. Honestly, I can't commit and wouldn't want to commit. And I am not saying that because I want to sleep around but I do not want to go from a marriage to a long term commitment again. I would want some time for me in between there to do as I please in many ways. So, I am considering the return to Ashley and POF....when I am ready. I went on, there were guys I just dumped in mid conversations when MM returned this past time and they are still there emailing me wondering where I went. I am considering whether I want to pursue any of those...I am not sure which direction to go right now, so I am just licking my wounds and going with the day.
The dreamer in me still wants to find my Married Prince Charming. Of course, the desire in me wants MM back...that was the best sex...but he didn't even answer my last email. So, I guess that is my answer on which direction to look. Driving home tonight I heard the song, The Love Story by Swift (I'll put it below). Am I the only girl who dreams of that story book connection at my age?
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