I have had this depression just floating around my head. It's not one particular thing but its a little of everything. I wish I could put my finger on it, because then I could address it. It's truly this underlying sadness and emptiness that scares me. Nothing is really bad BUT nothing is really good either. I hate feeling this sadness, I love to be happy.
Mr. Porsche met me today for lunch. We had some work to go over and I suggested a picnic lunch since it was such a beautiful day. I chose a park that no one I know would go to and I part of the park that was empty. I brought a blanket, he brought the lunch and as I sat down I leaned over to give him a little kiss on the cheek. He pulled back and adamantly said NO. Now, if you know me, you would know that any friend that I was close with, I would give a hello kiss. I wasn't actually going for a FULL blown kiss....I can't tell you how the rejection went through me. I had already been feeling so sad and this was like a knife. Fine, let's discuss work and well that was it for me.
The rest of the lunch, we spoke but I was still so hurt. When it was time to leave, we went into his car and sat in the back. He didn't want to kiss me but went to reach for my nipple. I don't think so was all I said. I gotta go. And I got out of the car. I stormed out of there. He called me later to apologize, said he was super paranoid and that it just bugged him out. So I am good to fuck in a motel..I totally get it. NO, he said. If we were out in a restaurant. Here's the thing, I get the married thing and I totally respect his situation and no matter what, I always will. But the place I found was so far off the beaten path that if someone found us there, they would suspect anyway. I mean you don't go hiding like that unless there is a reason to be so hidden. I wasn't looking for a makeout session, it was truly an innocent kiss on the cheek. We didn't talk tonight. We usually do. What timing for this to happen. But, I felt so rejected.
Tonight, I went out with Cableman for miniature golf. we were having a great time, we were joking about what we were going to bet. He's been talking about me giving hima friend with fringe benefits bj and I have been laughing it off. Well, joking I said...yeah, I know, you want that bj! I was joking!! And he jumped on it....no, we are friends, I don't want to get serious with me probably moving back etc. etc. I just looked at him stunned. I was kidding but here I was rejected again.
We went to dinner and he started telling me about this girl I knew he slept with. The one who he said he didn't want to be with because she was so recently separated because her husband cheated on her. He gave her the same speech. So this weekend, I have the weekend free and I asked him to go out one night. Truth is, we laugh, have fun and we are just friends. I am not attracted to him as more than that. Anyway, he said....she asked me out for thursday and friday. Aaah, okay. And then he said to me... Cheri, we need to find you someone to date. OMG!! He is pitying me!! OMG!! Baby doll, I asked you because I enjoy spending time with you and laughing not because I can't get a date. Watch....
So I went on my phone and texted at the table one of the guys that I was considering to go out with this weekend but wasn't sure I wanted to. But hey, I am so not a desperado. I asked him out for Saturday night and he responded within ten minutes...sounds great babe, can't wait. Mr. Cableman's mouth dropped. He couldn't believe in ten minutes it was a done deal.
We left and I got that same empty feeling from him tonight. We had a great time but I was annoyed. And now I have a date with a guy that I know is a waste of my time. Grrr....two dates and the depression is worse tonight. Maybe I should become a lesbian. I am really upset tonight about Mr. Porsche. Part of me wants to pull away right now. We are suppose to meet on Monday again. I am thinking about cancelling, then he is out of town, that will give us almost three weeks. I am considering to take the break. Going to sleep, tired of playing Yatzee on the computer. Tired of life. Having a hard time working. Gotta snap out of this and quickly...oh, and then I found out my ex looked up one of his pix he inherited. Its worth $50,000....what a way to end an evening...
7 comments:
Boy, you run hot and cold.
One day you complain that men can't tell you what they want, then when one, even two do, you get upset because it's not what you want.
You do the same thing you complain about. Right with Cableman, you go make another date. How'd he feel about that? you care?
Sounds like you just wanted some satisfaction here. you got it.
Geez, settle on one or two guys, get to know them. Problem seems to be you have too many guys at once, and you can't get into that many personalities, so you seem to be making bad decisions based on little actual known facts.
You know that Mr. Porsche can't make the commitments to you you want, at times doesn't like the closeness, but the times your are together, it's always been great. Can't you leave it at that?
Hey, want my situation? My FWB is very sick, like very sick, and I can't do anything about it. Don't know what hospital she's in, only heard rumors of over-all poor health, can't contact her right now, because I don't know who has her phone or computer. Haven't heard from her in nearly a month. What would you do?
Cheri,
while trekking in India for 5 years
was taught a technique for giving a woman an orgasm that actually shuts down her body to a level that causes a "re-boot" in 3 min.
After which the woman has an experience of total clarity and complete absence of any negative emotions.
Do you want the know-how?
What do you do when everything seems fucked, and you need to treat yourself to something special? Whatever that is, now is the time.
Sometimes, it is golden. We say the right thing, do the right thing, and everything turns out the way we wanted. Then there is the rest of the time...
None of you, not you, Mr. Porsche, or Cableman can read minds. So there are times when you are just out of sync with the world. It seems like the right thing to say or do, but to the other person, it is exactly the wrong thing. Doesn't mean anyone has an agenda, just that you are somehow not getting each other.
It will happen again, hopefully not with several people you care about at the same time, but you know it just happens. At least until we all develop the ability to read minds.
Yea Alex spill the beans so us females can tell our spouses, boyfriends, friends etc.
Cheri is a drama queen sometimes. But I adore her. Too many frogs, as mentioned above, concentrate on one or two at a time. You're kinda like me. I think if you don't banter back n forth with alot at a time, you're afraid you're gonna miss something. Am I right?
Still luv ur blog hun.
xoxox
Linda
P.S.(not a lesbo either) married 26years lol).
First, Alex..you tease....tell us what it is. Hey, I may end up staying in bed all day and doing this technique....I am intrigued, tell us, tell us.
And yes to all. I can be a drama queen at times and yes, I think you are right, I am worried the one that is right for me, will pass me by.
Clem, I am so sorry about your FWB. I am probaby the wrong person to ask because I do extreme things. BUT since you asked...obviously you heard rumors, which means that someone knows her that you know. Inconspiciously I would see if I can find out about her or where she is. Did she work? Did she have a best friend she told about you? I would track her down somehow or get a message to her somehow. My first reaction was to run up and see her somehow but then I am thinking about it...if she was really sick, would she want you to remember her like that? I would try with just getting some kind of message that you are thinking of her without spilling the beans. I am sorry, this is sooooo sad. i always threaten Mr. Porsche was his pressure is high or he had spots in his eyes---don't get sick on me or die. I will have to see you in the hospital and I am coming to your funeral...he gives me this look like don't you dare....good luck baby, I am so sorry....
I got a short, concise email. She's very sick, was in the hospital. One kidney is failing, immune systems is failing, doc's don't know what is wrong. More tests next week. Shes' scared and frustrated. Lost a lot of weight, can't eat. I can't call, txt, v-mail her, too many people around. I must wait to hear from her.
Hmmm,
I sense some interests in the orgasmic secrets of the East...
First,
Editorial correction: about 3 seconds. More like a White Out.
3 Min. would definitely be Black Out.
Next...
As we all know every woman is unique in Body and Mind...so the pressure points have to be found..if they are there at all.
Next...
You really need a partner for this because of the position your body will be in when you C L M A X and R E L E A S E.
Therefore...
To self-administer would be difficult to imagine...but anything is possible.
So..
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