Double Standard--I know!!!!

Mr. Porsche is away on a business trip. This is one of those real boys club trips where he bonds with clients. Here's the thing...Mr. Porsche is always the party man, the one that gets the party going. I haven't heard from him since Tuesday which is a really long time for us and quite frankly I wasn't going to call. Today I was besides myself but I stuck to my guns. At 8PM tonight the phone rang and it was him.

We spoke some business because I did send some business emails. I decided not to be bitchy and say why didn't you call me, I let it go. So how was your trip. He started to tell me about meeting his old secretary out the first night. the true morale of the story was that he felt like a kid because that night he visited his parents and he didn't get in until 2AM and they waited up for him. I honestly don't think he realized what he was saying to me. They went out for a drink but had such a good time they closed the place and then she asked him back to her house. I didn't give him a second to continue..You fucked her?!?! No, I wouldn't tell you this story if I fucked her. OKAY....you don't go back to a girl's apartment and nothing happens like that. Expecially when this is the secretary that he had to let go because she was a total moron and originally she was hired for a great tits and ass and he couldn't overlook anymore that she couldn't work.

then we discussed the strip joints that he went to. that was a business thing and he has to be the partyman. Yes, he paid for all their lap dances. Honestly, he's not into lap dances, they bore him. Says it kills him to pay a girl to pretend she's into him and give him an expensive woody. But I gotta think he got one just to be the big partyman...besides for paying for all the others, he must have had a few himself.

So my head is splitting me. I keep telling myself I can't go there with him. I can't because if he just once asks me if I slept with someone else, well I am not going to lie. I am sick to my stomach that he fooled around with this other woman. I am not sick about the lap dances, thats such bullshit. But he went back to this woman's apartment. Why else would he have?

Now you are all wondering, how can this girl get crazy with her frog collection? Well, I probably have no right. I know I don't but has crazy as this sounds, I know how I feel for him. Its stupid, I am sitting here knowing its stupid but you know what, he shouldn't have told me. PERIOD. I didn't have to know he went back to her apartment. I didn't have to know that he wouldn't have told me that story (or so he says, he screwed up, I know him). Now I keep thinking so how many stories haven't you told me. If we were okay, if he had called me throughout his trip, I wouldn't be feeling like this. but reality is, we are not okay. The last three weeks have been more fighting than we have ever done.

I keep telling myself I have no right but it doesn't matter. I feel us slipping apart and it sucks or I am seeing a side of him I haven't seen...that distant side and I don't like it. I like when we were mentally connected when he wanted to talk to me all the time and see me every other week.

I guess even though there are frogs around, I know how I truly feel about these frogs. And now I am single!! Single and alone. I am going to soak in the tub. I need to get my shit together, this is bad. On another note, I made a date on Wednesday with the fireman. Remember him? The man who has a six pack and did push ups over me in the car. Oh he was hot and I decided it was time to bring him back into my life next week. I need some wild and crazy fun.

I have a feeling if I soak in the tub and think about this, I will feel a little better. I know its my insecurity. I wish I could learn to drop it. I hate that I am so damn insecure with men. Business, I am a baracuda, an excellent negotiator, an excellent professional....very confident. Socially--the opposite.

I wonder, do you think my submissive role in our relationship is causing this insecurity to be even worse? Wow, I think I just hit on part of it. I think that is it because my anxiety attack just went through the roof when I wrote that. Wow...this is really worse than I thought.