I have had this lingering headache for a week now and its taking its toll on my mood. Or of course, is my mood taking causing this headache? Its such a rollercoaster of ups and downs. My conclusion, I want to be wanted. I want to be someone special in someones life. I am not saying a wife, I am not saying any specific label. But what I want is to find someone who thinks about me, wants me, looks forward to being with me. Where I do take a priority seat and I am just not finding that. Tonight, a Friday night and I had 3 opportunities....all which ended up falling short. Divorce Attorney was my fault. Mr. Astronaut was going to stop by after work but after a 14 hour shift and rough day....he ended up going straight home. Cableman made plans with his other friend. So here I am alone...Oh Mr. Porsche surprised me with a late night call which was nice. He had a package he had to give to me and was going to give it to his client today. Turned out his meeting was for Monday. I started to say so you have that meeting with your client on Monday...I was going to continue to say, so give it to your client then. BUT he proceeded to go into depth on the millions of things he had to do and how he wouldn't have time to spend with me....and feeling like I do now (and the fact that I wasn't even going there) well I got upset. I just said to him..funny, I wasn't going there but thanks for making me feel so special.
It's not one...its all actually. Each one of them making me feel like second best. Each one not making me feel like they want me. Am I unworthy of being #1? I am beginning to wonder.
Mr. Astronaut introduced me to his friend. we've been talking on the phone. the introduction is obviously leaning towards a threesome. The guy is really nice, he's really cute BUT after tonight, I don't think I am going to take that path. I really was going to do it. But I feel like I am going to wait until it feels 100% right. It could be fun but I don't think thats what I want right now. Going to take a bath things always seem a little better after a relaxing bath. I did go shopping and bought some sexy tops and some lounging outfits to hang around the house. Sexy yet classy. I mean you can't hang in your own house in fishnet stockings...lol
Okay, heading to the bath. You know sitting here thinking about it.....I always felt used by my husband. In a dysfunctional way, he loved me but he was such a taker, i always felt like he sucked the life out of me. My son does the same thing. And all the men (to be fair not Mr. Porsche, he sometimes gives) but the rest were also concerned more for their own well being. Mine was almost not even existent. How amazing it would feel to find someone who put me up there as special. Someone who cared about my feelings, my desires, my needs.
For the first time in my life I admitted to Mr porsche that I was lonely. He had once told me that maybe it was better to have the EX around. But that is not what I meant...I never have regretted the divorce. I live now in peace. I have no anger eating me up day after day. But what I do have is an emptiness inside. A void that is being filled by various men at various times. There is no consistency here. Ugh! A good cry, a hot tub...I already masturbated today twice. I have this new dolphin vibrator....very cool. Definitely reaches those spots. I took a pix and sent it to Mr. Astronaut. He knows how wet I get....he wrote back...Swim Dolphin Swim....hilarious....
2 comments:
Aww Cheri, hugs darlin'. I feel exactly like you, yet I'm not on my own. Just lonely in my own house and in my marriage.
Yes, your availability frightens him, but you know that you really do have that with Mr. Porsche.
I have to admit, that I empathize with him, in that I tend to say the wrong thing when I am feeling put on the spot or emotionally stressed. It is one of the reasons I love to write. I get a chance to look at it for a moment, before making an ass of myself.
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