Knowing that Mr. Porsche was having surgery, I woke up on edge. I was hurt but I just wanted him to be okay. Yes, i was a little angry, disappointed and sad. Sad that he wouldn't lean on me when he needed someone. I am so there for him.
I had written him a note last night, telling him I was sad that I didn't get to speak to him before and that I didn't even know what the time of the surgery was. He wrote me in the morning before he went to the hospital that it was midday. So basically I didn't expect to hear from him today...but I was on edge. I was relieved that he wrote something.....but uneasy.
I was in a meeting late in the afternoon. My phone rang and I saw it was him. I excused myself from the meeting explaining that I had been waiting for this call all day. The happiness and relief and joy I felt when I saw his name just pop up on my phone. While I knew I would be happy, I didn't expect the amount of emotion I felt inside. 'Hi, I just wanted you to know I was okay. Thank you for being so concerned about me, I am fine. I just got home from the hospital I am still groggy but i wanted to call so you wouldn't worry."
He sounded really groggy, like he just got out of the operating room....but he also sounded relieved. The fact that he thought to call me right away like that....meant so much to me. "Thank you for calling me baby. I'm glad your okay. I know you can't talk and you are off tomorrow. I'm just glad you are okay. Go get some sleep.....kisses'. He then said I will try to call tomorrow.....
Honestly, as long as he is ok, I don't care if he calls tomorrow. This call meant the world to me. Yes, he didn't want to worry me. Little did he know he worried me more. And the fact that he was still out of it, but managed to call (I mean he had to have just gotten in, I thought he would have still been in recovery).....all i can say is WOW!! And that man is going to get some attention and kisses like he crazy when I see him (okay, I will throw a BJ in too!)
Update at home: He called our long time friends and he basically cried to our friend. I felt like shit. The friend said.....I can't defend him, he may be my friend...but he's majorly fucked up. People are pushng for counseling, he is pressuring for another chance. Financially, neither one of us can do it alone. Most people would probably fold at this point because of the pressure. I threw myself in bed and cried. Then I thought, I can't live a life where I feel like its a life sentence of being unhappy. I pulled my head together.....and got back on track. If only we had the money. You see, he claims he loves me. BUT, i don't think he does. I think that he doesn't want change. He doesn't want to leave the house and his family. It's not about love...its about leaning on me for so long. I truly believe that. It's like the mother bird pushing the little baby bird out of the nest. Sadly, I hope he flies and doesn't crash. So, based upon the laws and his present money situation.....I will get about $400 a month. Nice!!!! That leaves me to pick up $6100 of expenses.....yeah....life is fair.
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