Looking at me from the outside, you would never know. I have gotten so good at the smile, at the facade of being strong....it's almost natural at this point. But the truth, I am empty inside. The emptiness has gotten so deep, that it is almost torturing me....and yet the smile still exists on my face to the world. I probably should have been an actress...I manage to play this role so well. As the world crumbles and I am in a deep depression....no one knows. Friends know I am sad but honestly no one knows the depth of it.
Two children with issues and one that is rebelling and I cannot reach since his father took control of his life so many years ago....I feel like a failure. I spoke to Mr, P about it...he gets upset with me. Damn it baby, you do the best of anyone I know. You stand up for those kids and go to bat for each one...you have no financial, emotional or any help at all...you have given it your all and more. I mean you take on the damn government like its nothing. He gets angry that I have a useless husband and I have to do it alone. I wanted to be perfect...I was so used to being perfect...so how could my life be filled with so much imperfection. I guess it funny....I got three personalized letters from government officials this week because of my lobbying....and look at me...sitting here with tears rolling down my face listening to Led Zeppelin. When I was younger, I had a boyfriend who played the guitar and sang the song "If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you"....there were so many men in my life who truly cared about me...how did I end up here?
I called my best friend this weekend..."I want to run away". I felt like we were 15 again. We both laughed but she knew I meant it. You are rotting in that house....we are going this week. My childhood friends to my rescue.
Truth is....I see a recent change in me and I don't know what to do about it. I know this is going to sound weird but with MM gone, I don't have that fulfillment that helped me through the rough times. I know it was a bandaid on a profusely bleeding wound but it worked. I need to move on somehow. I mean it is 3AM and I cannot go to bed...the anxiety is so great right now. Him being gone...has left me with my world. Hearing this song...Closer...I realize how I thrive for that sexual connection....that raw intense sex...I will never forget having sex to this song
So I made some decisions right now. 1) I can't take all these people leaning on me and relying on me. 2) No more working weekends, I have to put my work away 3) I need to go to a psychologist...I am getting a little nervous how depressed I am getting 4) I have to hold on for at least another three weeks till the school year is over before approaching the hubby about the mediator. Announcing it during finals and regents is selfish.
Today I think I made a mistake. Having slept so little last night and another drama with a permit and the town....I called Mr. P-. The man who always had been there for me...I was crying and questioning everything. So overhwelming sometimes, I needed to ask him..you kmow me better than most people right now. You kmow all that I have on my plate...."Do you think that I can do it alone?" And I was hoping for a supportive response and instead his answer was...I don't know. you are the only one who would kmow. And then he started to talk about how I probably have more freedom now if I wanted to take advantage of it. Go to Florida, just tell him I was going...that he would have to take care of the kids. OMG! Mr. Porsche didn't want me to get divorced. I think he is worried I would be his responsibility...OMG...I was taken back..he wanted me to stay married. He said he would call me back...and in such a deep convo, I thought he would. He didn't. I text him that I was sorry for burdening him today and I thanked him for listening...no response. Hmmm...and
I am there for him....wow....and so I felt even more alone now. Wow...he would rather me stay in this miserable marriage, loveless marriage...he's changed his tune. I am even more depressed right now.
And the bottom line...I am scared. Truly scared. How Ironic...the Alex Band sums it up pretty well:
7 comments:
It certainly does seem as though the candle is burning at both ends. I wish I had some magic advice to offer or some way to spin Mr. P's reaction to make you feel better. I'm afraid I don't. But it does sound like if you could get away for a little R&R, it might help.
I hope you get some sleep.
Aw I totally feel for you, Cheri! You surely are having a rollercoaster ride with your life.. Please cheer up - I know you feel alone especially when things don't flow with your lover, but stay strong! We're all here rooting for you... P.S Take Mr. P's word for it and plan a girls trip!
Sad, but true: too many lovers only want the good times, and at the first hint of trouble, or of being asked to give emotional support (let alone any other kind), you can't see them for the dust. Hang on in there. As Rainy said, we are rooting for you. At least you have identified some of your problems and you have started to plan, so you are doing well already.
Cheri,
I don't see how he doesn't want to to get a divorce by telling you to take a trip. He's right, and that rollercoaster thing is too much for you.
I don't get how what you wrote means that at all (not divorcing).
I'm not Mr. P, but here is the answer: YES, you can do it alone. Hell, you ARE doing it alone! His reaction to your call?.. well, being him your lover, it would be weird for him to be the one encouraging you to leave your husband. Actually, I think that his silence shows a lot of respect.
You need some time for YOURSELF! No husband, no kids and no lovers as well. Collect your thoughts and just focus on YOU.
Take care sexy thang! =0)
-scarlett
Could it be that he thinks you may be changing the rules on him, and that frightens him? That is the only explanation that I can think of.
I always thought that part of the job description of being a lover is to make the other person feel good. Not just good sex, but feeling validated. Isn't that the difference between having a lover and just NSA sex?
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