Half Full or Half Empty? Are they turning me into a cranky bitch?

Strangely, I have been seeing sides of me that I have found very disturbing lately. Yes, the whole incident with Mr. Government. But today, something even worse occurred. I realized that I am beginning to either be giving up in hopes of finding Mr. Prince Charming or worse, I am turning into a pessimistic person because of all these Losers I have been coming across.

You see, I have always been an optimistic person. The glass is always half full never half empty. I always looked for the good in someone and always gave them the benefit of the doubt no matter what.

I told you about Mr. Heart. He's the heart surgeon. Well, things have been going pretty well. He was a little wrapped up in himself when we first met but lately, the conversation has been really going both ways. He seems like a really nice guy. Actually, whats nice is that our "friendship" has begun as just that friends who like each other as people and are attracted to each other.

Well he's been really busy in surgery and has been calling when I can't answer the phone. So he's had to leave me messages. Today we finally got to speak for a real long time. The question,, what are you looking for exactly came up. I said, someone I can be friends with, I'm attracted to, that I enjoy talking to, make me laugh and someone that can take me away for a few hours from this life so I can escape and just live in those few hours. Experiment, have fun...someone I can trust and respect. "So what are you looking for?" The same things but I would love to be in love again.

Well, I have been accused by many that they think I am looking for love. Well dudes, you are wrong. I know because I got totally silent and freaked inside. Yup, I do not want to fall in love because the thought scared the crap out of me. That would be horribly complicated. Way too complicated.

"I scared you. I'm sorry. It's just it would be nice to have those feelings again with someone." He was sincere. He seemed to be honest. He seems to be so excited about us.

So now here is the pessimistic thing---I got annoyrd when I hung up the phone. My reaction was , great another one who thinks this is what I want to hear. Another one to go through the motions to find out he is just another dysfunctional frog. Another one who wants to play with my head AND worse...he wants to try to include my heart in this one.

Now the Gnyo said that to me too, but I knew I hardly liked him. And, Mr. Perfect also claimed to want that perfect relationship (and well I wasn't feeling it. He wanted to make up for all the years he was an ugly duckling and didn't fuck all those woman. Now trying to spout lines. Honey, you need more practice to sound realistic about it. To me, I am thinking can you spell disease????)

Anyway, I realized...the others I jumped in, I felt that early jitters, the anticipation, the excitement................now, its gone. I do like him but I am petrified. I am petrified to jump in again. Petrified to feel my heart get that fire again. I have built a wall....I wall to protect myself. It's as if I am just going through the motions to until we get to the point of something real. So am I missing out?

I am missing out. I loved how I felt with Chris and things were going well. I loved that feeling that friendship....I loved what it felt like with IT Man when we first kissed, when we walked in the park, when I played with his cock in the park. I adored the flirting with MR. Government, I was in heaven after the orgasmic meetings we had. But with each of those highs...........came a huge fall.

So the question...........is it worth letting go and enjoying the ride and probably taking the crash? Or is it better to stay guarded and wait till it develops and slowly test the water??

Hmmmm..........such a dilemna......what do you think?