I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I admit it. Sorry because I have been reaching out to Mystery Man and he refuses to answer. It hurts when you realize you are so easily forgotten by someone. I guess I have also never been thrown to the curb like that before. Not a great feeling.
Sorry for myself because Mr. Porsche admitted tonight that he is guarded. He was drunk and he admitted there is a wall to protect him, to protect me. Why? We know each other two years, I have no walls...He said"one of us needs to keep it to keep it balanced." He did say something sweet....its out of context now...but he said..."I want you and I need you". And then seriously he said...did you hear me? I said no...I wanted to hear that I heard it correctly. And in a serious voice he said...I want you and I need you. In what way, I asked. Business? "In all ways"..he said. It felt good. But in a breath later he threw the wall so far up and he said I will call you back...we always say...have a nice weekend...he didn't call back. He needed to do a dickish move and piss me off...I guess that assures him that wall stays in tact.
Oh, chatting with men is easy. But men are so afraid of intimacy, I think. Am I such a threat or so overwhelming? Now its not just married men, its all men. Mr. Rockstar called me dangerous last night, the Divorce Attorney called and also mentioned the word addicting. What the fuck does dangerous mean?! Why do these men push me away? Its like I can feel brick walls wherever I go...married or not. Do I have a brick wall? I don't think so...I am in love with sensuality, lust, desire, closeness...its so hot to get close to someone. Damn it, it hurts in the end anyway, so why not feel the high of all highs!!??
With my headphones on....a song came on that I had forgotten I put on my playlist. It was a song that actually I remember so well. I never listen to it. It hurts too much. I never think about the song...it hurts too much although its meaning is with me every second of the day. And as I sat here, feeling sorry about these men and scared about my future...this song comes on.
For those who have read my blog from the beginning I have referred to it but never truly went into detail. You see, this song represents the darkest most brutal day of my life. It was the day I learned that my child was severely disabled and was expected to have no future as we all dream for our children. It was the day that I was faced with a reality that you wonder why God can be so cruel.
I was leaving the hospital. I was driving down the road numb and in shock and this song came on the radio. This song had a totally different meaning to me. And I remember, for the first time and quite frankly the only time in my life that I just wanted to put my foot down on the gas pedal and let the car go as fast as it possible could...I didn't care what happened, I just wanted to put my foot all the way down and I did....the car hit 85-90..which is very dangerous on this road but at 3AM, thankfully no one was on the road. It took all my energy to stop myself and lift my foot off the pedal....it was at this moment in my life...that my entire life had changed and I cried and cried uncontrollably because the hurt was just so unbearable. Yes, it is this song that makes me cry hysterical whenever I hear it....reminding me of the numbness and that pain...reminding me of that deep, deep place...its as if the song takes me there and opens up those wounds again..."When EVERYTHING IS MADE TO BE BROKEN, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW WHO I AM!" "WHEN EVERYTHING FEELS LIKE THE MOVIES, YEAH YOU'D BLEED JUST TO KNOW YOU ARE ALIVE" "I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW WHO I AM"
So why do I mention this? I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Just hearing this song...no matter when or where in my life.....makes me breakdown hysterically. It was the start of a totally different life, the destruction of all my dreams and yet the building of a totally new me. And here I sit, beginning another chapter in that book and in perpective....this new chapter is a piece of cake in comparison. And while divorce and being thrown to the curb hurts to some level..this song was a reminder of what I have survived and what I am surviving each and every day...the most upsetting and destructive hurt.....and putting it all in perspective.....this should be a piece of cake. So this song came out of no where on my playlist and I just had the biggest cry I have had in years but I think it was something that needed.
So here is the song...and I know this post is out of context from the rest of my blog and I will probably place it in draft after a few days but for right now, it is what I needed. Thanks for listening...
3 comments:
Oh cheri, I'm so sorry you're feeling so sad.... :( It sucks when the man you care so deeply has a guard - they are so afraid of intimacy, you're so right!!! I don't know why it's so hard to take the leap.. Hope you're feeling better. Cheer up!!!
building walls when you need them? .. scared a separated/divorced cheri will start making demands and rock their boats? .. fuck them all.. start with a clean plate ... time for new frogs .. in the meantime devote all your time and energy (that would have gone to the frogs) on you kids .. make them the winners .. cheer up . enough with self pity .. time for action superwoman .. you got things to do
xoxoxo
Ffs
Cheri,
I'm a follower, and have replied to your posts.
I'm separated, about 6 mos. now, and know what you are, and have gone through.
dangerous and addicting means, that you get to them.
men are not afraid of intimacy, just somewhat afraid of the results, and of being forsaken, dropped, forgotten.
Mr. Porsche may be like me, guarded, yes, totally into you, but guarded none the less.
That's the issue. He wants you, needs you, but it's hard for him (me) to admit it.
His wall is up, because perhaps he's said too much. You are vulnerable, he gets so much from this, he wants you, yet he doesn't know.
I was recently apart from my current lover of 5 mos. We've met weekly since early June, and she was gone for 2 weeks. She came back, told me she missed me.
She's in a totally committed relationship (with another woman, no less, married.)
Here I am, separated myself, and our relationship is a 'no commitment' type one, sex only, and she writes me, "...I have longed for you, fantasized about you and thought of you but two weeks without much contact gave me the experience of missing you, and I did miss you."
She also tells me her relationship with her wife is in the toilet.
Ok, think that fucks me up? Yes.
So, women do it too.
How can you pine for one guy that you can't get a hold of, and you have this one that wants you?
It's clear he does, at the least, from me looking in from the outside here.
You are what you are, the lusty, giving woman that perhaps wants nothing else in return, but yet you send him the message that he can have you. It's the same I'm getting, fucks me up royally right now.
What shall we do?
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