The Wall

Okay....today I am starting like I should have started Monday...my first day of my freedom. Weirdly enough the ex has been here each day and its got to stop. I didn't mind but he can't make this his second home. He has no internet connection at his house so he was sprawled out on the couch and on the computer. At 10PM, I said, we are going to sleep, good night.

So on to more exciting stuff....I decided to hold off on two dates this week. I need to let this separation set in a little. However, I did get a message from my old college boyfriend (a normal one..lol). And he's coming to town. We spoke last night and it was so nice. Damn, playa flirt, is still a flirt. I was teasing him about throwing the lasagna out the window. He laughed and said..okay, I am taking you out to dinner and we will make up for that lost lasagna. Sadly, I don't have a babysitter for Saturday night but we are going to meet during the day. I am kind of excited about it. Okay, I am like a little girl right now with the giggles. He's married but we all know that doesn't mean anything. Of course, if anything, i would just kiss him. That's it....I am trying to remember the sex with us and quite frankly I can't....lol

And Mr. Porsche and I. We got some serious issues. while he claims my divorce doesn't matter...oh it so matters. The wall is so high and he is truly bugging. Last time the sex was so rough because I am sure now that he wants to make sure that it is pure sex. No emotions (which to me is a problem. I like the sensuality, the kissing, the high of lust and desire). fucking as a sport is not what I want except if it were a one night stand.

I told him i wanted Passion when we met....oh did he get nervous. I am not in the mood for that crazy, push to the edge sex. I want some lust and desire here. Now here's the clincher. I was trying to make a point by pointing out to him that even if we were both single, we would never be together. He is extremely difficult and demanding and moody and controlling. Things he already knows but things that I would never be able to deal with. So I started to say "you know Mr. P, let's say we were both single, you... " and he interrupted me.... "THAT AIN'T NEVER GONNA HAPPEN". SWOOOOOOSHHHH.....Reality, I don't want it to happen but his remark was like a smack in the face. I am re-considering seeing him this week. Actually, I am going to have a t-shirt made up for him....with "THAT AIN'T NEVER GONNA HAPPEN" on the shirt and mail it to him.

So how do i feel? Better inside. Way too much to do....but I feel so much better and excited inside. And stressed from work, house, kids up all night....but there is still this little person inside who is saying....I can do this and I am going to have fun doing it!!