Clem made me think today. His comment about eight guys and no sex or dates. And I realized I needed to soul search for this one. Reality- I am free to do whatever I want now but something is holding me back. I have turned into an asexual person. Yes, there is a list of eight (and honestly there are more that I remembered after I posted). So what is the problem?!
A few things I realize now:
1-As crazy as this sounds. Mystery Man. I know I have to let it go but sexually, we were so compatable. I am not going to go on and on how the man could make me orgasm like crazy. Even the positions were wild and satisfying. Bottom line. I had never been sexually satisfied like that in any of the relationships. BUT he is gone and this time he has decided to be gone for good. But there is a catch here. He has access to my blog. So deep, deep down inside, I now realize that I have been good because I fear he is stopping by here to read up on me. A very unfair balance. And in my mind, there is a glimmer that he will decide that he misses me and want to come back and check out my blog to see what I am up to first. And as I type this, I know how fucking ridiculous that is. The man has left me 900 times and then had the balls to judge me and make me feel like a slut. So MM, if you are reading this, I am angry with you for not answering my emails. Angry that you left and made me feel like a slut. Angry that I may never see you again. And if you think I am better off without you--I am not. Dear Scorpion...this frog wants to continue to help you cross the river even if you are going to eat me alive over and over again.
2-Oh I knew she was cheating. Okay, granted, we all knew I was cheating. BUT my real world didn't and I don't want anyone to think I left my marriage because of someone else. I didn't. I left for me and left because I wasn't in love with the ex to be. Or PREEX.....my name for the PRE-EX....is there an official name? Another ridiculous reason but so true.
3-I am scared. I am scared to find someone I care about. I don't want a long term relationship, I want to have fun right now. I want to have wild sex and enjoy my new found freedom. Another ridiculous reason and just a little bit of me.
4-Kids. The kids have become more needy since he is out. Its only two weeks and I feel its hard enough adjusting to this new life. Me, openly being dating and out, seems like it might be too much right now.
5-TIME...I am swamped with work and trying to take care of this house. I don't have a babysitter for normal dating hours. I want to get the house together since it is in chambles right now. I am nesting right now. As if I am organizing my life so I can begin over. I am re-doing the den, turning the basement into a media room for kids, putting a new deck on the house, new carpeting.....things that sat for so many years and needed to be done but didn't get done. All stupid reasons.
6-Depression-I am a little depressed and overwhelmed. There is no stability right now. Work is insane and I always fear of losing my job. Money is tight. The house looks like a cyclone hit. Kids causing issues. trying to juggle everything. The stress has been causing me to be exhausted. I find that I want to sleep and sleep.
So now that I have dug deep into my head....there are my reasons. And I realize most are excuses. I feel there is a wall and I can't get over it. How crazy considering my behavior these past four years. I will work this out. I guess having the volume of men has made me feel comforted in a warped way. Also afraid to let one go, just in case I didn't see their positive attributes clearly.
I have decided to take the weekend and do as much as I can with the house. Organize my work and starting Monday....start fresh.
It's time. It's time to let go and move ahead. Receiving so many messages yesterday was insane. All these men just made the situation more confusing. I did actually find a dozen or so more...craziness but I guess a good craziness. Other woman would probably die for what I have right now. A single friend came over yesterday and was browsing through the men. Shit, when are you scheduling the Fucking Feast...was her response. She doesn't know about my past. She is pushing me to jump in. I have my bathing suit, bathing cap, nose plugs, fins on....just standing on the edge of the pool in diving position(can you visualize it). Its time to make that jump! thanks Clem...
7 comments:
Cheri,
The list shows that you are dealing well with your current situation. It has only been a few weeks, take your time and you will find the right partner for the sex you want. Good luck!
Pete
Well, I did wish for you to step back, take a look at things.
We (I) see them a bit differently from what you post.
You now have told us more about what's in the background.
relax.
take the weekend.
take next week.
You have a lot on your plate.
You need to be relaxed to have the great sex you want.
DO NOT rush into any type of relationship.
You don't need to be that hasty, but also, you keep using the word 'free'.
I know you've been through a lot, and more is to come.
You used the word 'excuses' but are they?
Good grief, you are doing a lot right now. Leave the jerks behind, forget about the ones that don't want you.
An old saying applies. Women are like bread dough-you hafta leave them alone to get a rise out of them.
Use it, turn it around to *your* favor. Leave the guys that don;t contact you. It's their loss.
Look out for yourself. Pick a guy you really want to express your new freedoms with.
(Personally, I like Mr. Porsche-he has the most potential, IMHO.)
If it's anything, I and my best-friend male cousin are going through similar things.
We don't want any long-term relationships, we just want to have some fun right now, and it's working for us.
It's not at all a ridiculous reason to want some wild sex. Damn, it's been hot for me, and I'm enjoying it.
Please, you too?
It's your life, your body. Take advantage of those men and those other women, and get what you NEED from them.
Secretia
Go and dive in, then! But make sure that you don't hit your head on the bottom. Standing at the edge and looking for a little bit, just to breath, isn't gonna make the water disappear or anything. Tread carefully. P.S. I really like you blog.
I agree with point three - my one thing that I decided I simply must stick to when finding a lover was not to have a higher/emotional connection with them as I wanted to reserve that part of myself for my husband.
Well that resolve didn't last long as I now have feelings for one potential lover!
I have just become a follower of your blog and would love for yout o become a follower of my my blog - after all we adulterers need to stick together right...
http://secretloverslane.blogspot.com/
XOXO
Wifey
Ffs
As Clem said you have too many things on your plate.. take time off from your frog hunting.. and don't dive in yet.. you need to settle down, find your balance.. and help your kids adjust first.. with so many things in your mind the sex would not be great anyway.. Hopefully Mr P is there for the cuddles (don't let him put the collar on you tho).. and forget MM.. he wanted out.. finding out the blog was just an excuse..
xoxoxo
Ffs
Gurl, I need to catch up with your blog! It's been awhile...=)
Take care sexy thang!
-sc@rlett
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