And that is it...

Today was another mediation meeting. Actually the final mediation session and now the papers are drawn up. In one month, we sign them and then by the end of the year, it is final. POOF! 20 years of marriage in one paper. I feel mixed feelings here. I feel totally mentally drained right now and sad and scared. A part of me feels bad and a part of me is excited to move on to a new beginning.

And so I can't write anything else right now. Kind of feeling very alone. Kind of feeling very torn. So bizarre. I am actually going up to bed to go to sleep for awhile....a little depressed. I think I need to rest so that I can re-juvenate a little bit.

As I was driving home, I had to laugh. Thinking back, I wondered what made me make the decision? what made me make the jump? Ironically, having an affair had kept me from getting a divorce. A combination of MM always saying he would leave me if I was divorced and the fact that my life was tolerable when i was having an affair. I was happier, I was more content and change didn't seem as needed. So, when that void returned--I realized I can't continue like this. I can't stay so unhappy....so how ironic that an affair kept me married. Go figures.

So now what? Nap first and then I need to begin planning my future. Oh this is not over yet. One more month for final paperwork to be drawn up. But we (as of today) agreed on everything. The mediator actually commented on how we were one of her better tempered clients. We actually were underlying joking and laughing as we were negotiating....me saying...oh come on, your track record, you know you aren't going to pay for this....so i want that....we had both laughed. It is what it is. Hopefully we can walk away from this as friends to some extent. Okay, I gotta go to sleep.