My Life Described In ONE SIMPLE WORD....

Yes, it hit me like a ton of brick today. My life is filled with takers. Except for some close girlfriends...everyone is sucking me dry...so if I was looking for one word to describe it...UNAPPRECIATED would go across the board.

It was as if a lighting bulb went off in my head. At work, I am constantly pushed and pushed and pushed by a client. He reminds me how he has control of other aspects of my business as well and he takes and takes and takes. And the pressure is incredible. and I give and give and give. And quite frankly, I wouldn't mind giving, I enjoy seeing his business thrive. BUT when you feel unappreciated and disrespected....you explode. Happened again to me today....and he knows I am furious. Not sure how this will play out. We will either come to an understanding OR I will be out of a job. Actually 3 jobs..long story.

Then there is the family. Let's leave it as husband is sucking me dry again....taking advantage of me. And even our friends took advantage of me today......the hubby was with our friend today and they were golfing...long story short...they knew his child was sick and they took off. Hmmm..guess who had to run around town today dealing with that?

And then Mr. Porsche...we are not clicking lately. I realized I didn't have help tomorrow and we were suppose to meet. I wanted to meet in the morning...he said he would call me back and let me know. He didn't call. So.....I called at 6:45..basically said...if I don't hear from you by 7PM, I am assuming you don't want to meet tomorrow morning. I had enough. I am not feeling the caring from him lately nor his desire and I certainly won't deal with a mercy fuck....and I am not going to feel like he doesn't want to be with me. So he returned my call at 7:30 and I didn't pick up. Nor do I plan on picking up tomorrow or seeing him. If he misses me, if he wants me...hey, work a little...show some APPRECIATION!!!

A surprise text arrived today. It was Mr. Sensual....we went back and forth and we were joking and getting along and I started to remember why I liked him and thought how I missed him. Okay, I was funny today on text. He said that he never got to get a sample of the gifts I was giving away to clients. Jokingly I said to him..I had your gift, I just never got to give it to you. He asked if it was Lotion? Oh yes, I said....fresh, natural lotion. He returned his remark...oh I love going green! And I said....its the freshest..collected right from the bush....we both started to laugh...he was dying.

And somehow we got to us....and what we had...and when I asked him if our conversation was turning him on...at first he said it was the naked pix on the computer....AND this is when I realized..this is why I didn't want anything more to do with him. It KILLS him to say...that he was hard from texting me..to him, it shows vulnerability.....over and over...thats what I couldn't take about him and now I remember what it was....and I knew I was turning him on...and he missed me BUT I also knew once he made that comment...I was done and I remember why..LOL

Too bad...he was a nice person...just so afraid of letting his wall down...so what if he was turned on? As if it was a sign of weakness.

So it was another stressful day in the World of Cheri..

Did I dream it?

All of a sudden, its as if the hubby said nothing. He gets annoyed when we were out shopping and he was ridiculing our child about a selection on bedroom furniture. That's gay looking and ugly. Hey, its my kids choice...keep your stupid comments to yourself. I brought him there to select what he wanted for his room. And it was his choice...I just looked at the hubby and said...so for your own bed when you move out, you can get the other one. He immediately shut up and started talking under his breath. I proceeded to work with my son to see if we could mix and match and if the colors were the same. They were very close so he chose what he wanted.

I did a lot around the house this weekend. I am outside, trimming the landscape, planting plants while the son and hubby are watching LaCrosse on tv. amazing....Anyway, I am happy with what I got done and scarily...I do worry about doing it all. I still have so much to do and its hard by myself.

Mr. Porsche has been a little distant. I am still not sure...when we are on the phone, things are fine. But we haven't been together in over three weeks. We talk all the time, saw each other for lunch but no afternoon rendezvous'. We are in a weird place right now. He says he wants my help for work but then he says hes afraid that its going to cost too much...he can't afford me. geez, I take that as an insult...I barely charge him anything and I give him everything at cost. Not sure if he meant me or the whole idea of expanding. Anyway, there is friction. I wrote him and asked, he didn't answer. I am sure it will come up again.

Today we spoke.....he had heard a commercial that I did and he was laughing. He was shocked to hear my voice coming through his radio...hahahahha...he can't escape me....didn't mention us meeting, didn't mention anything really although it was a great conversation..he's callling later, I am sure it will come up then.

Went on Ashley Madison again.....just to browse...but I am still not up to the cat and mouse game right now. Two guys on there that I met were SMOKIN. I mean they were certainly every girls dream. However, with my confidence so shot lately, I had decided not to pursue them at this time. They both took it as rejection and ironically they are pursuing me even harder now. As one said...I am never rejected, now I see what it feels like and it sucks. I explained that it wasn't rejection...I was just busy. I guess women are never busy for them...lol

Okay, one last thing.....I am going to be putting a comment approval on the site before a post is allowed to be posted. I love the comments and I encourage them...you guys are a huge support to me. You don't have to agree with me, you don't have to like what I am doing or even support me....BUT I will not be disrespected on my own site. "You get what you deserve comments" from someone who can't even claim an identity....I am not going to stand here and have someone who wishes me harm on my site. You dom't have to agree, you don't have to encourage..you can even disagree with me BUT to hope I fall flat on my face and wish me harm.....nope, I am not entertaining those comments.

So...please continue to comment....there shouldn't be that big of a delay because I have my blackberry. And for the gentleman who commented and didn't think I would get it because he posted on an earlier post...I do get them. And yes, Ashley is not just filled with fuck me and leave me people. Therre are people on there for many different reasons....and filling a void like you explained is exactly why I am there...

xoxoxox ALL....Enjoy the day!!

So Is this The Finale?!

Yesterday was the day from HELL!!! Juggling the kids off from school, a boss who obviously got rejected from his lover last night and a house of chaos makes an insane day. I sick turn occurred yesterday at work...I am training the bosses new girlfriend. Long story but he actually threw a temper tantrum yesterday and well with the stress I was under....I had enough. I was shocked by his behavior and I think it was because he was rejected....long story..Anyway I got home and was in rare form.

My son has taken up sleeping on the couch. A perfect opportunity for the husband to go sleep in his room. I recommended it last night. He wouldn't move. I don't sleep well thinking you are fucking touching me all night...I want you to go sleep in there. I haven't done that in months he proclaimed. Exhausted from my day....I looked at him, I don't care I don't sleep well with you up here thinking that you are molesting me when I am sleeping.

And then he says.....if this isn't going to work, maybe we should get a divorce. Timing is everything and after a day like this and I was already half asleep...I unfortunately could barely carry a conversation at this point. My only answer was FINE....You get a lawyer and I will get one too. I rolled over and literally passed out in a second.

A friend of mine once said that once she knew that she couldn't sleep with her husband anymore..that it was time. And I know it is time. He said it and now its time to move forward. I am petrified...I would be lying if I said any different. Petrified that I am going to not be able to pay the bills, take care of the kids and keep my sanity. Petrified that I will be alone all the time and that he will never take the kids. Petrified that he will walk away and never see them again. HOWEVER, deep in my heart....I know that I want the freedom. I want to smile again, no tension in my home, no worries that there is going to be another lien on the house. It's going to be ugly but I am going to do it. If I let it drop now, its not going to happen.

Ironically, I am alone right now....just like I said I wanted to be when I made my final decision. Mr. Porsche....we are having problems and I am realistic about that relationship. MM is gone and I miss the sex like crazy......

Divorce Attorney called me yesterday. He said he would help me file the papers. So it looks like I am going to actually go threw with it now. I wanted to avoid the ugliness but with my husband being such a deadbeat....there is no way that I am going to be able to avoid it. The house is going to be the fight. Our sons bills.

So tonight, I am going to start putting together a list. The beginning of the week, I am going to start organizing the paperwork that I need. the deed to the house, the titles to the cars. There isn't much to fight over.....the kids are staying with me......he even said today that he didn't want my son......The man walks away FREE basically. I sat and cried today. No one likes to realize they have failed and me working so damn hard...I even failed my children. They need my time and I can't give it to them and keep a roof over their heads and I am an empty shell.

Okay......deep breath...deep, deep breath. Organize the Chaos......Let the games begin.....

How Ironic....

Did you ever notice when it rains it pours...and then of course there is a drought and there is no rain in sight. My love life has become the desert. No it's not the dessert it used to be....it's minus the S which obviously stands for sex, sensuality, stimulation.....LOL

Mr. Porsche is still in my life..but he's busy with work and quite frankly,..I have been feeling a void with us. Oh its that he is so busy...but I feel like we have lost something. As if he knows I am 100% his and he senses that there is no one else so he's been less on his game. If I didn't know better....actually I don't know better but I would think he read the blog. How sick would that be....a world of millions and trillions of websites and my both lovers find my blog. That is absolutely insane.

I honestly haven't been looking for anyone. I hit a mental slump and a physical one as well. With the depression comes the lack of exercise, the lack of exercise comes the depression and the additional pounds. Hence more depression as my suit fits tighter and I have no desire to look for someone feeling totally unsexy. Sex with MM, made me want to be flexible, made me want to try different positions and actually it was like a yoga class. As he said, don't look in the past...it's hard when you miss something that you want back. It's hard when you know you were wrong...don't get me wrong.....I'm not living in the past....I've accepted the break....but I miss him and his touch.

Mr. Porsche said something today that was made to make me feel better but just came out so screwed up.....such a beautiful girl, such a beautiful face....don't waste it.....I was so shocked by his statement that I dom't remember his exact words. It was meant for encouragement but I felt like he wasn't into me anymore. Just poor some salt on the wound.

On a professional basis, I have been having fabulous success. throwing myself into my work BUT its not so fulfilling. Got a blackberry and it has freed up some of my time during the nights now....no longer faced with over 70 messages when I get home. that is good. but honestly, I sit here with a void. When you aren't caught up in the romance, the excitement, the desire.....you have too much time to look at your life. I love that feeling of that romance, the hot sex...the desire, passion....but I can't get myself to start again.

ever watch ground hogs day? or know the Michael finnegan limerick? Poor old Michael finnegan, Begin again....

The spring is here....Day 1.....at the gym. Day 1....cleaned a room... day 1.....spent time for me. Yes, I need to search inside for some happiness. Any recommendations on healing this soul?

Facebook-That crush from High School

I had to giggle just now. Facebook had brought back so many memories for me...but surprisingly I am finding out so many things that I just never realized back then.

I have been IMing with a friend that I had known when I was 8 all the way through high school. He was a nice guy...we used to call him grasshopper because he had a green shirt and pants that he had once worn. LOL name just stuck. He was not popular (how stupid that is now...) but he was a really nice guy. In High School, I never stuck to that Popular and not popular thing. I talked to people because I liked them. My friends were an interesting mix of Honor students and the Bad Boys.

Well now 30 years later, I find out that he had such a crush on me growing up. He never told me just lived with it. I find it so amazing how these guys who had crushes on me are coming out of the woodwork and I was so oblivious to it. He said he didn't have a chance with me so he would rather be my friend. Hmm...how could I be so blind? I guess I just accepted our friendship and never knew the real feelings he had. If I only knew the things I knew today.

I am having a rough day today. And he IM'd. Instead of texting, I said call me. And so he did. We could only talk for a few minutes because I was picking up my son but we did hear each others voices....a smile came to my face. One I needed so badly. And then he said something that shocked the crap out of me.....WOW, this is the first time I am speaking to you ever on the phone. I was taken back by that.... we never spoke in High School? I wish, he said. It was as if today was a special day for him. I giggled. Oh stop it! What I would have done to talk to you on the phone. REALLY? How strange that is....I sooooo never thought of myself as that.

And then the little sadness.....so what has become of me? How I wish I knew that I was so popular back then with the gentleman. And then the thought, what about now.....did I miss the boat again? Has my time come and gone?

Just some quick updates.......Mr. Porsche....I am not contacting him today. I always call on Mondays, I want to see if he gives the effort. On Friday, he didn't seem to want to talk to me...rough week. And well, its looking like he feels the same today. I know he's busy but I am puting some space inbetween us.... And I had a weak moment...I was passing Paradise and the flashbacks of MM and I came flowing back...I called the batphone to see if it still was connected. I left a message just saying hi, hope all is well.

And now what? I haven't been sleeping well.....I think I am starting to twirl into a little bit of a depression. Make a move or live like this. I confess...thank God for my children or well, I am so sad right now, who knows what I would do. I wish I could runaway for a little bit but I can't. Something is going to break....not sure what but I can't go on so sad. Life is passing me by as if I am trapped in a life sentence.

Oh to go back to High School knowing what I know now.....sigh

Getting Older? My nipples don't seem to agree

It was a week of soul searching. However, the more I searched the more down in the dumps I became. Every wake up and say.....I am wasting time, I am wasting precious time. Live each day to the fillest. I should be doing just that AND I am not. Do you? I mean realistically...of course, I could go wild everyday and ignore my work, kids, house etc. BUT that is not the smart move. But do you find that you live your life to the fullest each and every day?

Kind of upset me that I am wasting time. That I am stuck in a way. Wanting to move forward yet I can't. Can't because of fear. Fear that my plate is already so fill, can I actually do even more. And on the other side, I fear that my life is just passing me by. That the time of my great smile and sexy ways will be gone. Miss my boat for fun and hot sex. Although when Mystery Man and I were at Paradise, there had been this older couple meeting there...in their 70's. I remember teasing him..is that going to be us? Will I be searching Ashley Madison at 70? Where is all this coming from....I think I am officially pre-menopausal. Without the gory details, my period won't go away (something that has certainly put a damper on my love life lately).

Today, I am going to be home alone. I need to contemplate what my moves are going to be. Ironically, having gotten the Blackberry or Crackberry as some friends have called it, has given me both the freedom to be on the road but also is making me a slave to my emails. I have been trying to blog from the road but it is not going through..I set it up so I can BUT its not working...damn Blackberry.

So now....I need to work on getting the most of my day. I also need to find a lover. I hate the looking process with the highs and disappointments but I also miss the highs. I miss the lover...flashbacks can be cruel and torturous at times. Ironically, my fantasies are not of things I haven't done but of things I have and miss doing. One hot fuck is what I need to get me back on track. One wild afternoon of pure lustful sex. No attachments, no emotions...I just really want an old fashion, mind blowing oh wow sex! Time to look online for a non emotional fling. A man without a brain is what I think I need. A man that I wouldn't be attracted to mentally but purely physically. A nice hot cock that I can use as a lollipop....mmmmm....yessssss...exactly what I need. My nipples seem to agree as well....
Enjoy your day!

It's the Little Things that get you the better sex

It's the little things that make the difference in everything in life. It's usually those small things that mean the world to you. Sadly, Mother's Day was not acknowledged at my house. I didn't expect the husband (and glad he didn't) to run out and buy me something. But it would have been nice for him to make sure that the one child who can say Happy Mother's Day would have said it. It didn't work out that way. Until I mentioned it, it wasn't even acknowledged. Days like this I wonder why I feel bad at all about wanting to get out of this marriage.

Well my point was more, Mr. Porsche. He knows the situation at home here. Although he basically thought my husband was shit for not making sure that the day was even acknowledged considering all that I do around here. Well, he sent me an email and a link on Mother's Day....a simple thing like this that really made my day and actually made me cry that he cared enough to remember.

Yes, it is the little things that someone does that makes a difference. Oh you can bet that this link truly will have a great payoff for him..in one great screw of his life! Okay, he would have gotten it anyway...but this link......came to me when I needed it most....I am very lucky to have him in my life!

Click here... and you should send it to the special mother's that you know...trust me...they will definitely appreciate it....!!

The Observation Of Ashley Madison Comment

What a surprised observation from an Anonymous regarding Ashley Madison. Once again I have to say that I think it depends on the person. People are looking for different things...I don't think that all men are looking for one thing and all women are looking for another.

I have to say that I was surprised that women send emails of their pussies and them having sex with other men to be a common occurence on the Ashley site. I am sure there may be some that do however the four women I know on there (and myself as well) has never EVER sent a pix of my muffin through Ashley. And, the picture of my muffin has only been sent to Mystery Man. My tit has gotten exposure on the internet with the jewelry on the blog but I had never sent that either to a man I just met on Ashley.

As for the comments on chat. I spend a lot of time chatting with a man before I agree to meet him. I guess it depends what you are looking for. If its pure sex...then why chat to get to know each other. But mental stimulation is soo important to me and quite frankly I get to know the person. I find it more mentally stimulating at this point to hear about a person and their life and desires than to sit there and have cybersex. don't get me wrong, I used to love to have cyber but now, I feel if the person doesn't know you....it might as well be a computer on the other end responding with just what you want to hear.

I would like to say...as for the no response. Realistically, women receive a lot of messages and if they responded to each one...they would need a personal sexretary...my advice is to not take each convo so seriously or each no response to heart...its not a personal thing. And remember, you are looking for some kind of connection whether it be pure lust or a combination of lust and friendship. So if that one wasn't the one....move on....there are many woman on Ashley Madison...you just have to find the one (or ones) that connect with you.

As for your credits...hmmm...an auction on ebay maybe? Or feel free to donate it to me and I will do a fun contest and give them away or give it another shot.....

Do you believe......

I love the sunshine, the warmth, the beautiful day....I swear that I should lived in a warm client my whole life. It energizes me and makes me smile...ironically, I was born in a warm state (I wonder if that has anything to do with my desire to live in warmth).

I was browsing the internet and went into the horoscopes and then the Feng Shui section. Most people are either totally closed to it (its bullshit) or a part of them believes...I am a believer....far from a diehard but I do believe....My horoscope today:

You're facing a big choice, but it's not that hard, really -- only one possibility really feels right to you. That's not to say that it's going to be easy once you've made the call, but at least you're certain

Wow, did that sum up the turmoil or what?

I moved into the next section...Feng Shui...I don't know if I ever told you this story....
For years, this bright red robin would come to my house....sit on my deck..I would call it my robin..everyone knew how I loved that robin. One day, my son was in the back yard with his friend...pitching and playing catch and the damn robin flew in their path and they killed it. I came home and everyone was scared to death to tell me about the dead robin. I was sooooo upset. We actually buried him...poor thing...he was sooo beautiful...I had never seen a bird so red.

Well recently there has been a new bird....oh his red isn't as close to the last bird but he does have a red breast. And he has been coming by for a while now...

I read the Feng Shui section today....that red birds are there to bring you luck...that its a sign...so I am thrilled that a somewhat red bird is back...but the fact that he is only a little red...does that mean I only get a little luck?

Happy Mother's Day! And men...Treat your mom, your wife especially wonderful today!! Hey, did you read the What are you worth salaries? A job position as a mother with all that they do should pay between $100,000-$160,000 a year. So spend the bucks today and make them feel special (look how much a year you will be saving for such a small investment).

An attempt at technology

I am determined....determined to fall in love with my Blackberry. Yes, a finally got one but it is truly a love/hate relationship here. I'm working it and hoping I can find the benefit of its value as so many others who use it. So, any tips out there? Any great apps?!

I am in a much better mood today. Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there!!

It's late...heading to bed...sweet dreams.....Mmmmmm......funny how you can have sex and just get hornier....wish there was some relief but not tonight...I must suffer with my mind wandering on flashbacks....I do love flashbacks...

A Delicious Delight of Sex

I have come to the conclusion, as I have before, having an affair absolutely keeps me sane and actually makes my life at home tolerable. Yes, those times when I am down in the dumps, miserable and wanting just to crawl into bed....my lover manages to pull me up and balance my world (as best that it can be balanced).

I cancelled on Mr. Porsche yesterday and today I was considering to cancel again. It had nothing to do with him...it was all me. Yes, I felt like I was turning asexual. I was beyond depression today...I just wanted to crawl into my bed. Mr. Porsche called and I told him...you aren't going to want to see me today....I am in a really bad mood, very sad....His response, I don't care, I want to see you. Maybe I can make you smile and escape for a little.

I dragged myself into the shower and threw on sweats and one of his company t-shirts. Began to drive and he called...so tell me about the day. We actually drove from my driveway to the motel talking on the phone. I got there first, got the room and lied on the bed. No, today I wasn't waiting for him naked and maturbating...I was just relaxing on the bed....he came in and started to massage my shoulders and kissed my neck...relax baby and tell me whats up...

As he was massaging my shoulders and I was just telling him how I wanted to escape...he kissed my neck and then started to make those lip farts on my neck which gave me the giggles and he held me down and just kept doing it until I couldn't breathe. It actually felt so good to laugh...I finally escaped to find his cock waiting for me....I couldn't resist....nothing is better than laughter and he made me smile...I grabbed his cock and started sucking....not the best blow job since my entire mouth has had dental work and it is aching but it was still pretty good...he didn't seem to complain. He threw me down and started to play with my clit and nibble on my nipples....I love these nipples....he kept saying over and over as he went from one to the other giving fair attention to both.

Our kisses were sweet today and he looked me in the face, smiled and just grabbed a rubber. His cock was super hard...now here's the thing about Mr. Porsche...when his cock is hard..it has length and amazing girth....and today, it was at its prime...there are times it hurts as he thrusts deep inside me...today, he was able to do me in many different positions. Once again, I am not sure if he reads the blog but fucking me was no problem today....we did it many times, over and over and over again...

Oh, I forgot to mention that I masturbated first until I came...and to my surprise...it took no time for me to cum. I think it was the fact that the room we had, we could hear the couple next door moaning. The woman was really screaming...it was wild and funny too...could they hear me?! Oh I am not a real loud moaner, I was wondering how loud she was moaning in order that I heard her so clear. Did they hear me as he thrusted in me and I said Oh GOD! And let out a sigh..actually my loudest scream today was when Mr. Porsche took ice water and spilled it down my back. I wonder if the people next door thought that was me screaming in ecstasy.

Anyway, it was hot today....from behind with my leg in the air, from behind and then...he whispers in my ear...you want it in your ass don't you? Today my body was very tense..and this is where trust comes in....and we slowly...I mean slowly had anal. I like anal....so tight.....so sensitive...and I seem to orgasm easier. And the fact that its such a dirty thing that good girls don't do, made it even hotter.

We collapsed on the bed and I said...let's do it missionary....a treat..something unusual....we laughed. And we did..he went in me slowly and then faster and slower and then he lied inside of me staring at me....You are so beautiful...and that made me smile. It was the sweetest thing someone could say to me just at that time. We finished up with a blow and hand job that he actually squirted all on my face...well, he tried....the cum was going all over the place...my face, my nose, my hair...I just giggled...10 squirts all over me.....we both just laughed. It was cuddle time and his phone rang like crazy...he had to go..

Hey...we were suppose to do work too. Now I began to pout. I don't feel like he takes me seriously when it comes to work. I had spent so many hours working on a project for him and a quarterly analysis and he was just taking off.....I had decide today that if he didn't do work...I was finished with that part of our relationship. Not in a bad way, just that I like the sex, I like the sexual part much more and that I am tired of getting frustrated with him. Its not about me and him but about the work that we fight. So I told him, i have your work here and you can have your staff do it. "Are you quitting?"....."YUP" "no you aren't. Its a package deal, you aren't quitting.....sex and work go hand in hand....sorry I do not accept your resignation". "No, I really don't want to work with you anymore, I like the sexual part so much more and I can't think of a price so let's not do it". "Nope, I need you....I really need you". Continuing our discussion in the shower, we begin to bicker...but that's the thing about us, its never really bad bickering.

The whole drive home, we talked and I told him that he needs to either take my advice or move on. I was tired of doing things and he was too much of a control freak to let other people do it. I was getting frustrated....he believes in a snail pace, I work differently. I go into companies, examine the weak links and solve them. I don't make friends that way...but thats not my job. I try to change as little as possible but I need the end result to be constructive. He needs to let me come in and make these definite changes that he is not doing. So we ended on a professionally friction note but I was still feeling great from our sexual encounter. What a strange relationship we have.....at the end...he said to me...Open up your side compartment of your bag. I did and he had put a check in there. I didn't even see him do it.

So all I could think about was how I need a good sexual rendezvous once in awhile to balance me. It makes me more content to do work, to deal with my family dysfunction with my life. No, it doesn't solve or make the problems go away...but it certainly makes my day.....so in conclusion....an affair can make your married life better!!

Hitting a Wall....

No doubt, I have been in a real funky place. No desire to check Ashley Madison, no desire to write back to frogs....I am in a real slump. A think its a combination of the work mounting up and feeling....it's probably time. Spoke with Mr. Divorce Attorney...amazing how we have been friends for so many years and except for two little trysts, that was it. He keeps pursuing me at least every other week. Now I know he can't be my lawyer...ethical thing "I can't want to fuck my client". "The day your hot mouth touched my lips and then my cock...I couldn't represent you". I didn't know they had that in the lawyers' manual of ethics....lol

He did agree to help me fill out the required papers until I get my shit together and decide who my lawyer is going to be. Quite frankly, if the hubby can't afford a lawyer then what happens? I retain one for $8,000 and then what?

Last night, he was screaming and carrying on like a lunatic about something with my son. My help is threatening to leave because of the way he carries on and she thinks he even scares my other children with the screaming.

I know I am in a real funk because I cancelled on Mr. Porsche today. Oh I rescheduled for tomorrow but its not definite but today, I just want to crawl back into bed and stay in my dreams.

I got a Blackberry yesterday! Actually adding to my chaos. I have no fucking idea how to work the damn thing. And with all the emails coming in, my son put some chime on....crap...this thing is driving me insane.....ding, ding, ding....every damm second....for work, I got already 58 emails...imagine how crazy the sounds were driving me. I complained to Porsche that I couldn't stand it....sweetheart that he is, he called his son and he told me how to shut off the dinging...LOL He's good like that....always looking out to take care of me....

So, thanks for all your concerns...I am alive...just stuck in a funk. hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.....xoxoxo

An Evening Of Delight

Mr. Porsche and I have such a strange relationship. In real life, we care and respect each other. We are the best of friends. He is my confidant, he is my support and he is a client as well. He respects me on a business level and then there is the bedroom.....a world unto itself.. Probably because my life is filled with so much responsibility, with so much stress.....that submission and giving up the control is so appealing to me with him. I guess it has to be with someone you truly trust because I would never allow most men to ever try half the things that he does to me. Pushing my limits...seeing just how far he can get me to that line of uncomfortable. It's all strategically planned on his part.

We were working together and left to escape for four hours at night. With no worries about work or making an excuse where I was or where he was....it was a relaxing and enjoyable day. Having had that fight last week....I didn't know what we were going to be in for. Would I be able to submit to him again? Would I be able to give as I had done in the past? Oh yes...the answer was definitely yes.

We went inside and our lips connected as if we hadn't seen each other in weeks. We quickly undressed and I scooted under the sheets. He ran for the bag of toys. I was not surprised that he was pulling out the tougher ammunition....the thing about a man of control, he must have felt he lost some with me, so he wanted to gain it back in the bedroom.

He loves to watch me masturbate, so I tease a little and begin doing circles on my clit and circles on my nipples....he comes over leans over and kisses me so gently and whispers in my ear.....if you only knew how hot you look right now....he moved his hands slowly from my cheek down to my nipples and begins to squeeze them tightly...he loves to see them erect...they get to at least an inch...and as he bites them, he slips an nipple clamp on them...ouch...but I didn't move...he puts on the next one and quickly slaps my ass (which of course took the nipple clamp pain away!)

Now Mr. Porsche is not big but he is damn strong. I never win in wrestling, I never get any leadway...and now was not the time to try because the clamps hitting the bed turned out to go from stimulating to painful...oh, he was in charge right now so I laid back and let him do his thing....with his cock hard, he moves into 69...I can feel his hand on my clit and then his moist tongue...he was determined to make me cum...and lately when I cum....I then just keep cumming...I am like a cumming machine as if the first orgasm uncorks the hundredes waiting to escape. Sucking his cock hard, I can feel myself increasing in speed and I am getting closer and closer to cumming...and then, my body takes off....pulsating and moans and my back attempting to arch....but he wasn't going to stop "Let it go" is all I could hear...as my body wants to hold back but I feel another wave coming....

Oh he was still going.....the vibrator, the butt plug....oh there was no mercy today....he gets off on seeing me cum and cum and cum.....totally relaxed, I lied in his arms. I turn into jello after so many orgasms. The feeling of peace and balance all around me.....i went down on him....oh he is into lately his ass being stimulated...that spot by his prostate makes him go wild. I love that I have that control of him.....using the vibrator on him....I tease before I put it in...licking his balls, sucking his cock and giving him a rim job just makes him go wild. Submissive mood...I submit to it all.....watching him enjoy it is worth it all. He was just about to cum but he stopped himself and threw me on the bed...relax, I am going to hypnotize you...and so he does....and I love it. I am not sure if its a full hypnotizing but it is better than the guy who once did it to me at a lecture. I go to this place.....far away, going down a spiral staircase....to paradise.....and while I am soooo relaxed he begins to talk to me and play with me..in this state, my mind is more open to answer questions, my body loves the way he plays with my nipples and can make my clit pulsate.....its fun!!

This time however, we asked about fantasies....how about a woman here for you, licking your nipples and playing with your clit....mmmmm....I seem to be open to that idea because it would please him...another scenerio was to have two men watching me and then joining in....both for his (and of course mine) pleasure. I begin to moan and cum....so easy to get me to cum in this state....his deep raspy, deviant voice brings out this bad girl side of me. He pulled the nipple clamps off....OMG....OMG.....the pain and blood went rushing through them....he cuddled me and kissed me so passionately.

I collapsed....i then tried to hypnotize him...I got him to doze off...lol while he slept I just lied in his arms...it was peaceful, it was nice. He woke up refreshed and feeling super frisky...suddenly he begins to tickle me. I am very ticklish...we begin to wrestle and he is tickling me out of control and slapping my ass hard....now, I never knew that I was ticklish on my back...but my oh my....he found a spot that I was dying with laughter.....giggling so hard, begging him to stop....it was so much fun. We then showered and held eachother and talked...it was great.

Omly concern I have....we didn't screw but it was more because when his cock sees the rubber coming it immediately begins to deflate....penis anxiety...it did't cum today. I felt like a failure. we discussed it a little....he says that most of the time its all the foreplay that does it for him....he gets off on that. But I feel like a failure not being able to get him to cum. and i tried with a handjob and blowjob...

Things are great with us. The last fight even brought us closer. I guess hearing him tell me how much he cares about me, made me feel really good. I care about him too. And realistic I am that he is not ever going to be my husband nor do I want him as a husband....why do people think women always need a husband? Yes, i do want passion, caring and affection but I never want another husband. Yes, I am his girlfriend and we start cracking up. As we left, I called him on the phone...this is your girlfriend whose nipples are killing me!!!

A Long Forgotten Date

Three weeks ago, I had agreed to meet the man who want me for my brain (now there is a long frog title) for lunch today. As you can imagine, I had a rough night falling and staying asleep last night and today would probably have been the last day I would have chosen to meet him. But I did.

We met at a great restaurant....the one I went to with Mr. Sensual for lunch actually. My first impression, I wasn't sure. He looked different from the one pix and I imagined him more muscular. His personality was very nice but he was very set in his ways. Down to the way he approached his steak..cutting a specific way and then eating it. The conversation was never lacking...I have to say, I like people and enjoy learning about them and talking with them so I just enjoyed this lunch very much. From a friend point of view, I really like him. From a sexual standpoint, I don't know if I was feeling it. But then again, i don't know if I would feel it with anyone today.

At my car, he kissed me good by....a few little kisses, it was very nice. Actually, I needed to feel wanted today.I needed some personal contact.

Ever feel signs from above? Well today I thought a lot about what MM said. I need to find what I am looking for...leave the past behind and move on. And I am taking things as signs. Let's face it. I am not happy. Oh much better than I was years ago...but I'm finally at that foadrk in the road. It's time to make a decision and which path I am going to take..gotta stop standing at the fork in the road and trying to decide which road is the right road. It's time to choose a path.

I am going to mentally re-build a little. I began today putting my ducks in a row. I am overwhelmed in work and with the family right now and I need to straighten that out. As for romance, I am not feeling it right now. Hubby left his laptop open today....quick history review, he is activelt on a dating service. I am not mad or upset, I just don't feel guilty if I decide to file for divorce. If he found someone, he would be gone in a heartbeat. I just am tired of feeling like his mealticket.

So today was a strange day...even Mr. Porsche felt it from me. It's all okay though. No drama, just inner soul searching.

As for going back on Ashley. I am thinking of starting over there. just not yet...I need to heal a little, I need to work a little on me..I need to think about what I am going to do even career wise. I am working both ends of the candle and that is also making me a little insane. Organize my life a little...

Closure and Some Tears

I heard from Mystery Man tonight. My heart skipped a beat when I saw his email address. I was afraid to open it...not knowing what was on the other side. I had a funky dream the other day....I had just sent him a note to make sure he was okay. He's going through a lot of crap right now. I wish I could give to him what he gave to me. Until he had read my blog, I know he didn't know how there were times that my life was crumbling and an escape with him, re-fueled me to go on.

In the past, I would have posted our emails back and forth. However, out of respect for his privacy and knowing now how he hates that, I cannot. But I can tell you that the guy is a class act. He needs to focus in his life right now. I accept and respect that.

Our emails are more honest and open without the sexual tone. Two friends talking who care about each other. I close the chapter knowing that he cares about me. I could not say good by....because I don't feel it has to be good by. With someone you don't like and you never want to see again...you say good by. But the truth is, I'd rather think the final chapter of our book is not completed...its just been placed on a top shelf for now. When will it come off the shelf? We've left emails open (although he told me he's not checking the account as often)but the door is not closed and locked shut which I am glad. He wants me to not live in the past and hopes I am going to find what I am looking for. He has a way with words...His words were genuine and sweet and he got his message across clearly yet his sincerity left no bad feelings if anything, they made me feel better. the tears did roll down my face as I read it. A combination of how I wish I could be there for him and the realization, the book is going to collect some dust this time.

So the tears are flowing but more because I know I have to let go of something that I have to put aside, don't know if I will ever return to or I don't know if I will ever find it again somewhere else. but I can tell you one thing.....every relationship should end like this with a warm and caring feeling towards the person--and if I keep the frame of mind that we just needed to take separate paths for right now, it will be okay. I do hope that down the road we do meet up again (as friends or as lovers) having grown from the experiences we will have had from our time on our separate paths. But this time, I know the paths are a longer journey of miles not just the blocks we went in the past. At this point, reality is prevalent and we both have to take care of our lives.

An Answer To An Anonymous Note.....

ANONYMOUS WROTE:
I'm surprised at your reaction. For men, it's always about the sex first. For women, it seems to be about the relationship. Oh, women love to get laid, if they're appreciated. Men don't care about that crap--they want to get laid, period. You're married and want a sex life. Why is the emotional component so key, or are men just physical and women not. Last I knew, women liked to masturbate too, and let's face it, masturbation is nothing if not physical. There's no emotional attachment in it. So, some explanations would be appreciated.

MY RESPONSE:
1)First, I want to start off that it's amazing how people hide behind their anonymous titles. You got something to say that is controversial or sarcastic, have the balls to leave your name or identity at the end of the note if you are too lazy to sign up for a blogger account.

2) Second--for woman it is the whole package. Yes, you want the sex but you also want a connection with the person you are having sex with. And I disagree on the men are just physical....men do want a connection too. Okay, usually its a little different of a connection but they do enjoy the talk, the laughter, the intellect and the person they are with. So its not all physical....it's more than just sex. I think the difference is some woman are looking for commitments that lead somewhere...now that is a different subject totally.

Second item: are women on Ashley interested in sex or interested in an emotional attachment? For men, that latter is the red flag waving in the breeze. For us, it's all physical. Doesn't have to be in your pussy, but it is physical. I'd have thought you understood this by now. It's certainly something the high school girls don't understand

Okay darling, this is where you are quite off and a little insulting to woman and even men. There are many different levels here and you are quite looking at it froma black and white standpoint. If its all physical for a man, and they don't want a connection with the person at all and just want their cocks sucked and fucked then I recommend a whorehouse, prostitute or escort service....NOT ASHLEY. You are actually insulting to think that the woman are there for nothing more than to fuck. Granted, fucking is important but you want a friendship, a connection, to relate to the person. FOR US ITS ALL PHYSICAL....well if that is the case....then I do recommenmd those massage parlors with happy endings. There is not wasted time with searches and talking. you make a call, you go there, they wash ya down, blow ya, fuck ya and massage ya. Now there is physical. why waste your time on any of these sites then if thats all ya want? Hate to tell ya but men like the game too. They want to feel wanted, they want to feel a woman wants them and is attracted to them. they want to feel spoiled. So darling, if you think its just physical for men, I tend to differ.

the red flag are the girls who are looking for a man to leave his wife for them. Yes, that's a red flag if a man has no intention. However, if it were just physical...really think about it...a call girl or a massage with a happy ending is much more cost effective and time efficient.

Please tell me that men are not that much of pigs as described by anonymous. If that's the case, them we all should start charging for sex and let me tell ya, my price tag would be expensive!

I am hoping that anonymous is a 20 something boy who hasn't grown up yet and still needs to learn about life and how much better sex is for both men and women if it has a personal side to it.

Miss You

Mandy had a huge gala today. In front of 200 people, she thanked me for being there for her through thick and thin. How ironic that that had such a deep meaning for both of us..and no other soul in the room knew our deep darkest secrets. Oh, in their minds being her best friend, helping her plan the party, talk about the children....blah blah blah. Little did anyone know there was a deeper darker meaning. Mandy was talking about our lives....our recent lover losses, our return of the void and emptiness we haven't experienced in so long and now we both have again.

The two of us were the only two on the dance floor....dancing to the song Heartless. Yes, a deep, deep meaning that no one knew. The two of us love to dance, the cameras flashing and we are both looking at each other took a deep breath. Amazing actresses we are. The outer layers have been so nicely layered...no one knew the inside truth. Our eyes talking while a room of 200 people had no idea. We sat at a table and toasted....toasted our losses...Another successful event and a Toast To Us, to The Future! We both laughed and a tear came to her eye. Hey girl, keep it together, we have plenty of time for this tomorrow...

Reality....our situations are very different. She would have considered leaving her life for that man. I am more realistic, I knew we didn't have a future like that. That was made clear from day one but I miss him terribly. I miss the emails, I miss the amazing sex. I mean I miss the amazing sex. The flashbacks are torture at times....especially when you want them to be the present and not the past. Oh there are many flashbacks but they all seem to have three main themes with numerous days and meetings...the First is where he is entering me and as I feel his cock spreading my pussy, the fulfillment I would feel at that moment. That inner peace and satisfaction as he thrusted inside of me. The second....was lying in his arms and just laughing and talking about things....and just laughing. Oh it was nothing serious, just about total fun nonsense and how he would tell me jokes and I would just lie in his arms....lol. And the last one, is the moment I would first see him a the door and the first ten minutes that we would touch...the passion, the desire, the intense yearning for each other.....sometimes just ripping each others close off...the intense kissing....him throwing me up against the wall or me throwing him up against the wall....but there was no denying that passion. Its either there or it is not and after almost two years, it had still been there. And the fitting room, well that has a totaly different memory....I actually had kept a voicemail from that day on my phone...I listened to it the other day and it made me giggle... so how am i going to fuck you if you don't pick up your phone..I'm still scouting for an area....lmao....

So.....I miss him. I feel cheated in the good by because I was blindsided by it. He knew he was saying good by..I didn't. I wrote him, I told him I wasn't doing so good...I needed to see him, no response. I am still amazed he could walk away like that....I guess it was just great sex for him. He moved on and replaced me, simple as that. It's times like this that I wonder...is it better to have lusted and lost or have never lusted at all?

As for my post on thursday....it is coming. I had a little detour...I had a bad root canal. I mean we are talking a disaster. Now I am always saying I am unique but can you believe that I have unique tooth roots? lol They curve in a funky way and its difficult to numb me and even remove them. well, I had a really bad reaction yesterday to Vicadon. We are talking major disaster...emotionally, physically and to top it off...it didn't even numb the damn tooth. I am feeling a little better...still in pain....I am going to lay off the Vicadon. So anyway, Monday will be the finale of our meeting.

My Nipples Are Sore

Yes...my nipples are almost purple from all the blood that ran through them tonight. I sit here satisfied, content, exhausted and orgasmed out!

First, my day. There was an event that Mr. Porsche had me go to. It was the ratio of 100 men to 1 woman. So do you think I had a fantastic time?! Oh it was business, however, I had soooo much fun flirting my ass off. Actually Mr. Porsche was getting a kick out of watching me work the room and the guys heads turn when I walked by. I enjoyed watching him enjoy me flirting. Quite the afternoon. Men are so damn horny. Funny how oblivious I was to flirting before I came alive. For years, I did business with only men. I hadn't noticed back then as much but now--I had the attention of every man that I went up to and smiled at. Yes, it was a definite head rush to walk up to a group of men and them allow me to cut the line and talk to whoever I wanted. Cocky? A little today. Walking up to a man and having a pile of papers and then saying to him...I am not a pile type of girl..let me tell you why my company stands out from the rest. I had his attention..oh it was way too much fun. Actually, I have to say I am thrilled that I am not 20 or 30. With age and experience comes the professionalism, attitude and ability to really be confident to get your message across..with a big smile of course.....lol

One man, I knew him. We kept going round and round where we knew each other and we couldn't make a connection. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks-- Ashley Madison!! He had sent me a pix awhile ago and he lived too far from me. But his face stood out and here it was live. When I realized I must have looked like a deer caught in headlights. He made a comment, oh I hope it wasn't something in appropriate that I did for that look. I smiled and laughed...I wrote down on a piece of paper Ashley Madison Agency, Your Secrets Safe With Me"....and folded it and handed it to him. "When you walk away......take a look." He did and then began to blush and smiled over. I was right!!

And now the real treat of the day. Mr. Porsche and I both worked it out that we would be able to stay out till 10 tonight. So after our meeting, we managed to have his staff think we were going our separate ways and then we met at the motel. And something was different about hanging out so late at night....it actually was so relaxing and so right. We hung out and fooled around for 4 hours....not sure where the time went...but it was four hours and we were racing to get out of there because we could have stayed longer.....

And I will give you the details tomorrow.....interesting night....a little more sadistic than usual with him. It's such a control thing with him. But its a strange combination of making me horny and cum beyond belief. Details tomorrow....gotta get to sleep....actually have to sleep in my bra because my nipples are so erect and tender and dark purple from these nipple clamps that he used....more tomorrow!! sweet WET dreams!!! xoxox

My Blog Friends & A BJ At Work

I love my blog friends. You guys (and gals) have gotten me through the rough times when I thought I was going to literally go crazy or die. Strangers on the other side of some words, but your friendships have been priceless to me...so thank you. However, I am convinced that Mr. Porsche may have also found my blog. Too many coincidences today to think otherwise....and I think I would die.

Oh for two days now, I have been colder than ice after his last comment. Truth is, if I ever felt I was getting too close, falling in love--I would leave. With all the cardinal rules of cheating out there....falling in love with someone who is unavailable is the biggest no no. Nothing good can come from that. So today I had to drop something off for him. I did and barely spoke to him. I wanted to leave it with his office staff but he wouldn't let me. I had to come up.

His staff left and we had a really long talk. And he's either reading my blog or knows me too well. He apologized over and over and said it really upset him that I was so upset. He's been thinking I was leaving him. Ironically, I didn't think that at all. I was hurt, I was upset but I didn't think of leaving him permanently...I did think a break. Anyway, he apologized over and over and was acting so damn cute...I couldn't help but smile and then he got cuter and cuter....lol. He said it was his defense mechanism that made him say that and that I never gave him any idea that I expect him to leave his wife. And I really never have...we giggled that we would kill each other. Now here's the weird stuff...he said that there were times he had been jealous but knew he couldn't expect me not to be with anyone else (Hmm...i never told him I was with anyone). And then he mentioned he wished I was on the pill (hmmmm...the cock hating the raincoat that I have written before about). I kept my head in his arms and did not respond. I am not going to lie, but I wasn't fessing up to anything.

And I guess because there was one worker left, I knew the danger was there and it was enticing. I went for his pants right in his office....he was nervous but I opened his zipper and my mouth wrapped itself around his cock. Right in his office, on the couch, I gave him a nice hard cock. His eye on the security camera the whole timebut he was loving it......yes, he admitted, he would miss my mouth if I was gone. I made sure I got him totally in my mouth and then after he was nice and hard...I licked a little more and then the worker started to come so we had to stop...behind his desk you could see his hard cock....as he got up to xerox something...it was sticking out..the side view was priceless.

we didn't have much time....but we ran out and got a quick bite. I am seeing him again tomorrow. I do forgive him....I tortured him enough...relentless with the I woldn't want to mislead you with every comment he made...but he took it like a trooper. I felt closer to him today....it will take a little bit for the wall to totally crumble down again but he doesn't want to hurt me.

I can't sleep tonight...my head is spinning....I desperately need a vacation. And as for MM...not a word, I am heartbroken by that. Amazing how someone can throw away something so good...

Can you say Men suck?

My life is a rollercoaster. I am so tired of it being such a rollercoaster. Two years ago today, I met Mystery Man. I sent him an email. i don't know if he got it but I sent it anyway. I don't know if he remembers but I reminded him anyway. I don't know if he cares, but I told him that I do.

Considering that today was the day I dreaded, I was in an okay mood. Until my run in with Mr. Porsche. First, I think he is reading my blog which would infuriate me. Another man inside my head, hey, they know me better than I know myself. I have too little time to know me....why do I think he reads it.....

I don't even know how we got on the subject but somehow we got on his birthday gifts that he got me. I didn't care except they were so impersonal. I love those As Seen On TV things but from him I wanted something more personal. I mentioned how with the gift certificate he gave me, I wanted him to pick out a perfume. I don't like you in perfume....I know, but when we are not together, I will think of you when I wear the perfume. Then I asked....why do you not buy my jewelry or perfume? Those are so personal.

Hmmm...so sex is not? Hypnotizing me and going into every inch of me isn't personal? I pressed the question. And his response. He doesn't want to mislead me.
WHAT?!!? And he goes on, digging the hole deeper. I'm not leaving my wife and my family. I don't want you to get that idea. At that point, my head goes off in a total tsunami. Leave his wife? I have NEVER asked him to leave his wife nor did I ever expect him to and quite frankly...I have NEVER thought about us being together and living happily ever after. In fact, I think we would kill each other and never wanted him to leave his wife. He could never handle my life..it would never make him happy...I felt so hurt and was so angry that he thinks like that.

In a moment of total anger, feeling like who the fuck do you think you are? Did I ever give you that impression?! No he said. Does he think that is my goal..I am going to fall in love with him? i am in love with him but as a person not husband and wife love. But they say there is a fine line between love and hate and well I just crossed over it....how dare he think that he has to control my feelings to keep them in line. Thank you..I can do that myself. All I could say is FUCK YOU...

He went on to say...how he thinks I should find my Prince Charming and he can take care of me. That I will eventually find someone else and he has accepted that. that I am young, smart, beautiful and a great catch and I will find someone who deserves me. Oh really?! So that's how you see it!?? I love the way all these men know what is right for me. Mr. Porsche and Mystery Man.....both know....damn controlling men. In a dysfunctional way, they want what is best for me. In my heart, I think its a combination that they do care about me BUT its an easy way out for them. Well the Prince Charming line that he gave me basically came right from my blog. So that blew my mind and now I think he is also reading it. Fucking GREAT!!! How many men are there in this world? And the two I don't want to find my blog..and they find it. So I don't know what to do with this...I am flipped to say the least. He did just send me an email saying I was the best and that he was sorry. I just don't know how to deal with this.

And then my friend Mandy..my heart is bleeding for her right now. She had been seeing that guy in a dysfunctional relationship for over 5 years. They fooled around in cars, they never went to a motel. Very bizarre but it worked for them. Yesterday, he took her to a motel and after 5 years they finally had sex. Oh once before they did..usually it was oral and gropping and once they did it..but this time she got what she wanted....a short stay in a motel. They had sex and soon after they talked about being in love. They had admitted they loved each other before but this time he told her, he met someone else. That he wanted to leave his wife for her. Mandy was devastated. What an asshole...you don't sleep with her and then tell her. You tell her and then give her the option if she wants a good by fuck. He made it their first and their last. What a dick!! She is besides herself. MY heart aches for her because I know heartache. But I have to say, no guy had ever done this to me, let alone someone I cared about. My endings had always been totally respectable....she is in tears, I can hear it in her voice.

The hardest thing is to be in pain and not be able to show it. A broken heart yet you cannot cry. My poor friend.

It was bound to happen.....

Well, with all the pressure I have been under, you had to know that eventually I would snap. I had gotten some upsetting medical news about my child. while I was sitting there, someone called to tell me a program that I had been fighting for for over a year for her and I thought was completed, was being rejected. Well...I can honestly say I scared myself. Oh I have drama moments and even volcanic eruptions but this...this came from somewhere I have no idea where. Can you say MELTDOWN?! I don't want to get into details but it was a long time coming. All the pressure, all the work, all the emptiness was a sure mixture for a nuclear explosion. Let's just say that the rejection went back to the table for reconsideration...that never happens, I think they knew I was more than on the edge...one of the people on the conference call later called me and said you are either an amazing actress or I am really worried about you. I wish I was acting.

Mr. Porsche had called me. I couldn't really talk but from what I did say, he insisted on meeting me today. Thankfully, today I was saner. He told me to get the room and to just relax for a little bit. I did just that. When he said he was in the parking lot, I undressed and waited for him in bed with a daffodil on my chest.
I left the door to the room open. That was a true turn on...the thought that someone may walk in....I began to play with myself waiting for him. And when he opened the door, I was already playing with my clit. He loves that...so when he walked in, he began to smile and started to undress. Oh don't stop, he said. I love to watch you masturbate, I want to see you cum. And just as I was about to cum, he pulled my hand away....not yet! And so he began to kiss me and this time helped me climax until my whole body shivered.

So here's the thing. For Mr. Porsche, its all about me. Now I know you are saying, and you are complaining. But as a pleaser, its so hard to be the one who cums for two hours straight to the point of where it hurts. His goal is once I cum to make me cum again and again and again. Bucking like a colt...he said today...yes, I was as the combination of a vibrator and his finger up my butt...made my entire body go into convulsions. I couldn't cum again if I tried,,,,,,I don't think I could get any wetter and my nipples were saw from all his sucking and licking. The problem is, I can't get him to cum. Oh he does eventually cum but its his help that makes it happen. I feel like I don't do it for him. Even when he fucks me, from behind...he doesn't cum inside of me....I feel like I am not enough for him. that something is missing. As we were showering, I asked him...do I make you happy? I wish I could make you cum....he pulled me closer...and kissed me and held me close...you make me so happy and you do make me cum.

I guess most woman wouldn't complain that a man wants to spend three hours just pleasing her and making her cum...but I like to please someone too.

We have fun, we laugh, we talk...I enjoy him as a person as well. I just wish that he could cum for me.

Today again he made a comment about me having another lover or two. Ironically, there is no one else right now. I can't help but think he feels some of my emptiness. In a dysfunctional way, I think he is sensing the absence of Mystery Man not the presence of him. He feels a difference in me but how ironic, its the opposite of what he thinks.

Oh today was a duzzy in this house. I had to threaten the hubby to give up some money to pay the mortgage. The most he gives me a month is 1/3 of the mortgage...that's it and I have to pull teeth with that. The My Ashley Madison affiliate money came in today just in time....to help pay the mortgage. $8,000 in bills went out the door today. Oh, I am proud of myself that I am able to support my family but I have to tell you...it eats me up inside that he doesn't feel he needs to support his family.

Off to bed....I am going to throw this computer out the window. They optimized it for me and put some great firewalls..only problem is, I can't get into any of the internet sites I want to (including my own blog!!!!)

Sweet wet dreams!!!

11:30AM...Ding Ding Ding HORNY ALARM

The past three days, the strangest thing has been happening to me. Approximately each day at 11:30AM, my body kicks in and says "HORNY...dying to get laid". Yes, out of no where, I have been getting a flood of flashbacks each day at this time. Thinking about my lovers and some really hot sexual rendezvous. Flashbacks of being bent over as a lover would plunge so hard into me. Yes, I have a moment of heat that continues for three hours. All I can think about is having sex.

Of course, today was an overload day. But the flashbacks of Mystery Man were just making me desire his cock. I could see him lying on the bed as I would be off the bed and leaning on with just my arms and sucking his cock like it was the most orgasmic ice cream cone....pulling his cock back and just enjoying every suck...mmmmmm...I am dying for that hot sex. That wild sex that when you see each other the passion is just overwhelming. I desperately wanted to call Mystery Man but I knew he wouldn't meet me. He was who I truly craved. I needed him and the more I realized I couldn't have him the more I hot sex now.

However, today, there would be no frogs available. Porsche was in a meeting. I even called Sensual and he was out of town for the day. And He wants me for my mind..also far away....sigh..I couldn't get laid today if I approached a man on the street and begged for it. So masturbation was going to be my only relief. Of course it didn't help that my girlfriend had two men today AND one of the men in my favorite room at the hotel I went to with Mystery Man. That should have been US doing it on that bed, on the chair, leaned over the counter....sigh.

I called Mr. Porsche today...he was swamped, busy, overwhelmed but even though he was in a meeting, he took my call. A benefit of doing the boss. All I could say is I want to fuck you and bad right now. He gave that little devilish boy giggle. I knew he couldn't talk and that was even more exciting. Oh how I wish you could meet me right now and do me till all this horniness escaped me....another laugh...I love teasing him. Later on, I called again..he picked right up..another dangerous area, he was home but I knew he was home with just his kids. Oh honey, I want right now...can you tell me what you are going to do to me on Thursday?! Well I know you might be tied up that day (lol....oh, code...) and what else baby besides tying me up..oh he has plans for an intense meeting....

I remember back to the days when I was so happy and balanced. MM and Porsche both were the perfect combination. A girl couldn't ask for more..I was soo content. Tonight I mentioned that I was jealous of my friend and all the sex she was having. Go on Ashley Madison Porsche said. He has told me many times before is that all he wants is for me to be happy and satisfied. That he cares about me and quite frankly, he still does his wife. He knows I am not doing it here. So finding another lover is something he claims he would be totally fine with. Wish MM had felt that way. So, now I have to accept that MM is not coming back....I wish he would re-think it but he refused. I need to find that man online that is going to give me what he gave me. I have not found it again..I guess the search needs to continue.

Yes, I am thinking a lot the past few days. I need to get out of this rut...so hit the sites with a little better planning this time. I am in need of more sex...once every two weeks is not enough for me. My mouth is watering right now at the thought of sucking a cock....oh how I love blow jobs...amazing for a girl who just realized that three years ago. And to imagine all the years wasted.

Okay off to bed...sweet wet dreams...OF ME!

Dog Sucked On My Nipples and Secret Lovers Lane Comes Up?!

Every once in awhile I search my statistic counter. It doesn't tell me who visits (don't get nervous) but I find it interesting to see how people find me. If you come from another website, if you typed in a search to get to me...it will show that. So I am up...insomnia...and I decided to look at my statistic counter because I can't sleep.

Someone searched for "My Dog Sucked My Nipples" and my website came up. Now for the record, I love my dog but please, I can promise you he never sucked my nipples. The wild way that people find my website. Ironically, it was the post where I was saying that I needed a taste of the dog that bit me or something like that. Out of all things to pop up....Of course, a flashback came back to me about the day I wore a doggie collar when having sex with Mystery Man......you would have thought that would have come up. So in conclusion: I have worn a dog collar, I have had my nipples sucked numerous times but the dog and the nipples were not connected in anyway!! LOL

The Hotel Bill

I can't sleep....and was browsing through some of the emails that a friend shared with me...this one made me giggle....figured I would share!!


The Hotel Bill
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want
to consider this...

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, They're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.


They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to
sleep for four hours and then get back on the road..

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them
a bill for $350.00.


The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350.00!



When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard

rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains >>>>> that
the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference
center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains..
'Well, they are here, and you could have,'
Explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have
taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best
entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform
here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,
'complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies,
'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.


The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00..'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for
sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could
have.'

A Key To Your Private Showcase-- YUM!!

I find when I am depressed and bordering total frustration and anger...I turn to Ashley. It's liberating, addicting and quite frankly...I want to get laid. Simple as that, hot sex...I need it and I need it bad. Mystery Man's absence has left me empty. This time, he is gone. I am angry. So I am tired of turning to the cake for empty calories and absolutely no satisfaction.

I am hitting the gym again tomorrow. I am starting to get my damn life in order. AND....I am starting over. Yes, drastic measures need to be taken here. I am falling deeper and deeper into a depression and I need to stop this free falling. I have to confess one thing....if I knew it was going to hurt this much when he left, if I knew that I was going to feel such a void so deep and for so long --I should have never started this. Then of course I think about the flashbacks and I wouldn't give one second up that we had. I guess right now the hurt is just not subsiding. I miss our rendezvous, I miss our emails...while I didn't know him, I did..parts of him that I cared about.

Okay, so what do you do when you are feeling like this? Your heart profusely bleeding with heartache....you grab some gauze pads and bandaids....You head to the Ashley Madison search.....

Yup! Tonight I went wild!!!!! Looked for all the damn hotties and all the men that were kind of cute and had nice profiles. Yup!! I went on a Private Showcase Key Hunt! 20 men!! Yes, 20 men.

My girlfriend has been going wild on there. She has had a date each night this week with a different man. It's amazing. I wonder if our standards are different? She is finding all these great men....she's juggling them all like a pro. And it amazes me how she is having fun with so many of them.

I want one good frog. One frog that is intelligent, sweet, quick witted and very sexual. I found it once, there's gotta be another one on there for a long term fling. I'm not looking for love..I am looking for passion, desire, hot sex!!!!!!!!!!!

So I will let ya know how the Private Keys turn out! Yes, its reckless time.....I am on a mission..but for now, I am going to crawl up on my couch right now and have a good cry...the tears are already flowing as I am typing...Overworked, underpaid, lonely is a suck feeling.

You ARE truly annoying....

This gentleman I have been talking....really good looking, super rich, very intellectual but something was bothering me about him. Actually he is smothering me.IMing me, texting me, calling me....he has a "great relationship with is wife" but he feels he should share his sexuality. That statement bothered me to no end. If you have a great relationship, you are a fool to chance getting caught. He also made a comment that his wife finds him annoying at times. WOW, exactly. You are annoying...I have been slowly pulling away communication. He's not for me. He needs a housewife that has no career. If a man needs my 150% attention all the time..he's not for me. Oh, I lavish a man in attention and make him feel special in so many ways..but I can't sit on IM all day and then he calls 4 times a day wanting to know where I am. Too much, way too much.

Mr. Wants me for my brain and I are suppose to meet tomorrow. We quickly have turned platonic in my mind. We flirt but its not real flirting. I love that he calls me pumpkin. Its sooo sweet.

Tonight I had my family over for dinner. A house full of family...as I was warming up the dinner my phone rang. It was Mr. Porsche, knowing I was busy but basically just wanted to say hello and tell me he was thinking about me. Well I basically stuck my head in the stove. The surprise call brought such a smile to my face that I could not let anyone see. I love when a lover does something nice, out of the blue. It's sooo the little things in life. I could feel a smile and the warmth inside my heart stir. It makes ya feel special...he's a good egg.

I did a lot of thinking these past few days (sometimes I think, I think too much!) I have to start thinking more about myself though. I am depressed these days. Feeling so stuck. I am scared. I am scared to make the move. But I am afraid. Today was the first time in my life that I couldn't really juggle all the balls. Yes, I did something I never did before....I was fraudelent on a meal....what is fraudelant on a meal, you may ask?! I had been working on an assignment, cleaning my house and quite frankly, within 2 hours I was going to have a house full of people. I had no main dish and still had to buy a birthday present for a guest. For the first time in my life, I really didn't think I was going to make it. So...I went to this local place that sells homemade style food and I bought the dinner for 25 people. Came home, added just enough of my personal touch...and put them in my own dishes...AND no one knew!! I am a good cook so they would never suspect that I was trying to pass off anothers meal as my own. With literally 10 minutes to spare, I opened up a bottle of wine, lit the candles, ran upstairs and got dressed and viola!! A success but it was close.

So, I am dreading going up to bed right now. I am disgusted by him. Truly disgusted by him. It's not healthy that my blood curdles at the thought of sleeping in bed with him. I need the strength to move on.....

Tolerance Of Men = ZERO

I am obviously not in my usual desire to search for new frogs on Ashley Madison. In fact, my tolerance level is truly zero on a scale of 1 to 10. Truly not like me but quite frankly there is not one man in my life who is not manipulative or selfish. Are men in general a selfish breed? Is there only idea of giving is in bed? Are they programmed to just suck the life out of women or is it just the men that I come in contact with?

Quite frankly, being happy and satisfied had always given me a balance and the last two years, kept my sanity. Now with this void in my heart, I am unhappy and quite intolerant at home. Concentrating on work, concentrating on life but truly miserable.....For example...I am working my butt off. I start at 7AM and as you can see its 3:30AM...hmmm...go to bed for 4 hours and work again. I am exhausted. Hubby had yesterday off, When I confronted how he could do nothing around here....his response...It's my day off...So when the fuck is my day off?

A new frog, the Man who wants me for my brain, had asked me about my marriage. I hgave the readers digest version. He said he was shocked. That he thought all men had it within them the desire to take care of their families, be the bread winner. How lucky I found the one man on the planet who doesn't have that desire. I hate my husband. Sucks the life out of me. Came home tonight and ate my dinner, just takes takes takes. I think I am so furious because I made out $10,000 in bills yesterday. And would you like to know his contribution? $750. He was annoyed that I was annoyed at him (are you kidding me?!?) So he said...fine, I have tomorrow off, I will do things. And my answer...Why don't you just spend the day moving your stuff out of this house?

So you would think an affair would drive a couple apart further but ironically, everyone I see who is having an affair seems to be in a better place in their marriage or they are just able to tolerate it better. Hmmm..now there's a study worth getting a grant to do!

Feeling sad tonight. I looked at MM's old profile on Ashley. And all of a sudden it hit me. He got a new phone with a new area code awhile ago. AND ironically his profile said he lived in this new area code. So who is the fool here?! ME! He probably was screwing around each time he left me. The new phone...why need a new Batphone if you only use it to fuck around? I know, let him go. But I can't. We were so compatable...I liked what we had. I hate how I feel now.

The Need To Feel Desired...

When you are hurting, you desire some lust to make the pain go away. Alcohol does not do it nor will a mother's little helper. The hurt turns to anger which turns to an inner desire to fix the hurt. Passion, desire, lust...ORGASMS....excitement, forbidden desire....all seem to be a quick fix. Oh it doesn't last long but going against the grain....pushing the limit and probably bordering stupid all seems to come to the surface. It's plain and simple. I need a big, thick cock pushing deep inside to make this inner emptiness subside. I need to feel attractive not rejected.


So any suggestions? It's Friday afternoon and I need to feel desired. I need to end the weekend on an upbeat. I need to do a Cheri check...just see if I can get a cock hard. You know the Cheri check....feel a man's pants just to make sure that I can get his cock hard with a little teasing and sexual contact (fully clothed!)


Hmm....let me send a text. It's been a long time but who knows.. "you home yet?"
Immediate response. "Actually I am almost at my car"
MY response...."Don't go home, meet me for coffee?"


I have not seen Mr. Security Man in over two months now. After my loss of MM, I basically threw him away. I never figured he would be within 5 miles of me. I was driving home from work, he was in the car....


We've spoken infrequently these past two months. I hurt him he said. We both knew, it could never pick up where we left off...it would have to start all over again. Yes, we started with a coffee and this would either be a new beginning or the end.....


He agreed to meet me for coffee. Wow, if we planned it, it wouldn't have worked out. 10 minutes later, we met at probably a very stupid Starbucks..the main intersection of two highways. Actually, my husband passes it on his way home. we didn't realize the window was right there at the light. You know when the light turns red and you daydream and look around...hmm...hope no one I know looks this way. I thought about changing the location but then said...hey, its coffee...


A long day today -no makeup, no hairspray, my blonde hair very straight and basically covering one eye. I think I look like crap but if I've met someone a couple of times, I think they can see the Not So Fixed Up Me. Now, I guess I am also okay with that because I find some guys love the hairspray, makeup, totally fixed up look and others like when I am more no makeup. While I feel better with the makeup, I don't think I will scare anyone if I don't have that much makeup on. I don't believe it but my friends tell me I look good with the au natural.

SO...back to the day....He walks in and smiles at me looking me deep in the eyes (or at least the one eye that was truly visible). That's one thing he has that I am attracted to, dreamy eyes...they literally sparkle. (The color green I always wanted)....I smiled back and kind of gave that sexy, shy smile as I looked down. He walks over and its as if a magnet was pulling us together....we are an inch from each other and he reached down and kissed me. "Hi". Our eyes are locked and I smle. "I like your hair. You got it straightened? A new style?" "Yeah, I had a vicious day fighting the rain with no hairspray hairdo". He laughed...and whispered in my ear..."I like when you look so natural." How ironic...I blow it, use a round brush to get it to poof and he likes it the way I wake up in the morning!!

We order the coffee and this time instead of splitting a muffin like the first time we met, we ordered two. I reached over and touched his hand that was on the counter...he took my hand and our fingers entwined. Both of us just staring at our hands.

We sat down and laughed and talked and chatted about nothing...and at one point he was talking and I began to just stare in his eyes....and the look was deep (when we meet, we connect, but why doesn't it always feel right I was thinking)...."are you listening to me?".."Oh I am, and I repeated back what he said without taking my eyes off of his eyes. And out of no where, he leaned in and began to kiss me...a really deep kiss....and it took us two minutes to realize we were in such a public place and thankfully no one was watching us. I mean, geez, it was as if we had to kiss. Did you ever have where that desire was so overwhelming and your lips had to touch and your tongues entwine? He's an amazing kisser.


Oh, we weren't even talking after that..and if we were I don't remember what we were talking about. I do remember him saying "your breasts are unbelievable in that shirt, can't concentrate". So then I do remember saying "I think I need to see if your car is still the same". And he agreed....so we went to his car and I sat down "Yup same car.."and giggled. As I looked at him, we both reached in and passion exploded. He's a great kisser....Now remember, this was our first date so that's all that was going to happen...but it was soo hot it was as if we were ripping each others clothes off....

Now I had to do the Cheri test. Woman have the advantage to keeping a man guessing how turned on they are...you have to get real intimate (a feel of the wet pussy) or you can see nipples hardening through a shirt. But I was wearing my jacket. Now with a man...a quick feel to his pants will tell ya where you stand. A man can't fake it....it's either soft, a little hard or a raging hard on. And he, well he had a raging hard on. Quite frankly, I didn't even have to feel because you could see it in his pants. He was super hard. I was turned on....oh boy was I turned on that I went in for a kiss as if it was the last kiss of my life. I needed some healing and its as if I am a kissing vampire. I suck the healing out of a man's mouth.....it energizes me.

"What are you thinking?" I whispered in his ear... His breathless response...."about us in the hotel room, you leaning over the table and me fucking you from behind....I want to be there right now". "Mmmmm....."was all I said and he moaned and kissed me and caressed my breast. And now I could feel my nipples hardening more and the wetness in his pants. Yes, the pre-cum. Oh, I admit it, I got satisfaction knowing that I could probably get him to cum without a piece of clothing being removed. There is a passion in our kisses.

It was time to leave..I had to get home as did he. He drove me around to my car and I said "call me sometime" and winked and gave him a little kiss. "And, check for blonde hair when I get out!!"

I knew he was watching me as I walked to my car, I turned around and threw him a kiss....he smiled and I got in the car and he drove off. I pulled up to the exit of the Starbucks and waited at the main intersection light....I just missed the light and the other direction traffic was beginning to go. Oh my, at the light was my other car with the hubby in there. Did he see me? I wasn't sure. Oh man. But I decided not to hide it. I made sure he was ahead of me. I could dump the coffee but I decided not to. I walked into the house with the coffee cup. Yes, if he thought it was me, now he knew it was. No reason to hide a cup of coffee. I thought he looked at the cup funny but I ignored it.

So my need for feeling desired was fulfilled.

Thinking Of Another?

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Hypnotizing and Light Bondage

Today was an interesting afternoon....it was wild with Mr. Porsche. Our connection is so offbeat that it is really hard to explain.....I gotta tell ya, I am into the hypnotizing thing.....he hypnotizes me to relax me , have amazing orgasms and also feel more focused. Mind over matter they say...and this is true. It's kind of a meditation...I allow him to hypnotize me...that's trust...and it feels amazing. I love the relaxed state that I am in and the clarity I feel when I am hypnotized. Weirdly, I cannot cum until he says I can cum and that blows my mind. That is the only thing that I seem to not be able to control......I can't explain it...its weird.

The orgasms are hot, my clit is so sensitive and it feels like its going to explode. The orgasms are over the top and most of the time, it is self inflicted with me masturbating and him using a toy . My nipples are hard as a rock and so damn sensitive.

Todays session was a little more intense and I am feeling a little off by it. Why? Oh I love being tied up..I love it a lot, I love the restrain but there is a borderline where squeezing my nipples too hard is painful...or today, pulling on my bun...there was a point where my mind was about to explode. Or when I cum and my clit is so sensitive that it hurts to cum again yet he still pushes for me to have another orgasm. the thing about Mr. Porsche is that it is 100% on me orgasming. He eventually does but its at the end. Sex is not main event with us. It's an experience....
I have to tell you I love the hypnotizing because I leave there feeling balanced and my mind clear. Definitely relaxed. Super hot.

But today, while I was under and I was sucking his cock...my mind began to wander. I am enjoying myself...I know exactly what he likes and I was amazed that when you are that relaxed how well you can deep throat with ease. BUT there is something.
ar
And the something came to me because of Mr. Anonymous response that he wrote on another post. How now that my financial issues are better, that I still am not happy. Well, he's right. Truth is, financially things are better but that's because I work 18 hour days (literally). I am scared I will not be able to keep this up....so the money is allowing me to get by but all I do is work and chat with frogs when I need a break. So I am constantly worried its going to be gone again. And I am not happy living the life as it is now. The two together and the money brought everything complete. I had a fantastic, hot affair that made my body sing AND then a different more emotional type with a little walking on the line of comfort. The complimented each other. I miss the hot sex. Why couldn't that stupid ass just give a little more. A tiny bit more is what I needed. If he would have tried it now, it would have worked even better.

And tonight, I can't even write it yet. I need to think it through a little bit before I put it into words. There is not a frog in the pond that I think can make me totally happy. I have to tell you, I am getting a little freaked that now that MM is gone, he seems to keep popping up in my head at the most the worst times. I can't say it right now,but lets say I thought of him today and I missed him. I missed us. I am beginning to hate him, I am angry for him jumping ship.

I have a lot to think about. Do I like the hair pulling and the nipple clamps and the orgasming until it hurts? The light bondage? It was a treat but its not the bread and butter, the foundation of sex that I truly want. Off to bed, I need to figure this out.

I Gotta Get Wise...

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A Word From Mr. Porsche--So this is what tomorrow holds

I was teasing Mr. Porsche today....how he used to write me notes, send me sexy emails, leave me sensual phone messages....and now...POOF! Nuttin...After 1 1/2 years, the sexy emails have stopped. Of course I was just being a high maintenance pain in the ass. He calls me everyday and is my friend, my confidante and my lover. I am always a little nervous, never knowing what he has planned when we are going to meet. He loves to take me to that border of my comfort zone...And as you can see, tonight he surprised me with a note about our meeting for tomorrow. Oh, he knew this would begin the excitement yet certainly make me a little nervous....So what is Cheri in for tomorrow? I am going to just share his note that I told him he should write for my blog......yup, tomorrow should be an interesting journey for me!!

"I was ready for another great adventure with my sexy lover. She had no idea what I had planned for her today nor did I but I knew that BONDAGE would be part of the day. I have her to the point that she looks forward to giving up control and relaxing into my mood. She knows I love control and that's just my dominant side coming out. She has enjoyed the hypnosis that I am doing with her and she seems to always finish our day like a soft and cuddly cub that purrs.
Today I will put her under easier then before. She has trust and wants to be relaxed (after all she is usually coming to me tense and uneasy). After I have her under it will make her happy to strip naked like a dancer in front of me. She knows I love those long thick dark nipples and just can't wait to lick, suck, chew and bite on them. She will have such an intense orgasm when I allow her to cum.. A few weeks ago no matter how hard she rubbed that clit of hers as she masturbated for me, she could not peak until I told her she would cum when I said it was okay. Today it will make her feel a more intense orgasm as she begs me to bit her nipples harder. See the harder I bite the more intense the orgasm will cum. After she is naked I will have her lay down on the bed as I ask her how she wants to be bound. I will ask her if she has been good and if not she will get punished with a spanking.... She loves the spankings when she is in the zone. the deeper she is down the more she needs to be spanked... I love hearing her moan.....It will be a great afternoon.... I will let you all know what happens......"

xoxo