Flashbacks of our secret rendezvous keep popping through my head. The one I see the most, is when he was lying on top of me...he was deep inside of me. I looked up and he looked up and we both just stared at each other in the mirror. There were no words, our eyes just connected and our eyes were talking to each other. They were saying "This is fucking amazing..." and I remember smiling but I was concentrating on his eyes and his smile that came to his face as a smile came to mine.
He told me he was having flahbacks all weekend.....of what I asked? Anything particular or the whole afternoon? "Yeah, when you looked up and our eyes connected and a beautiful smile came to your face with the neon lights shining on it. You looked gorgeous just lying there with me inside of you".
Aaah! The exact moment...how great to have connected like that.
Tonight, I don't know what it is but I have been crying on and off all day (maybe just really bad PMS, maybe the problems at home are coming to a head, maybe that light has been dimming because financially i don't see a way out, or maybe its because I spent the weekend throwing out, cleaning and really trying to get my life in order--but its hard alone).
I'm so sad because I feel like a failure. I am so unhappy in my marriage. He didn't do anything this weekend wrong, actually he helped a little. Yet it has become even more apparent with the anger not there, that there is no love there. When he tried to touch me this weekend, my entire body cringed. So much has happened, so much disappointment.......there is no road back. Sigh...I turned to see if I could travel down that road and I don't want to. I have to move ahead....i have to figure out the new journey.
I started to try to straighten up some of the disasters he has made. I can't do it alone. I am a very independent woman and usually very self sufficient but he hasn't taken care of so much...I have decided to look for professionals to help me undig all the madness. Hence, I have failed. I am admitting defeat in a way....something that is very hard for me.
And Mr. Married Prince Charming (Mystery Man)....have I found him? I might have in a way...but it doesn't affect my situation at all. I guess Mr. Government had instilled in me that I was looking for a man to be a full time boyfriend. He always felt I needed someone to take care of me. Well, I know now he was wrong. I am enjoying Mystery Man trememdously but its as if it is a separate life. One does not have anything to do with the other. I need to do what I have to do for me. I originally had said it was a five year plan. I think it is going to be four now. I need to start getting things together.....and move ahead. I have to admit, the thought of freedom is both scary and soooo exciting.
Well Happy Tuesday!!! Stay Focused and Stay Horny!! Thanks for your support!!
XOXOXO
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