Today I sat around and thought about why am I such high maintenance? It bothers me that I do require attention. So what is it? Why do I start to "think" too much and usually it is the wrong thoughts when I analyze a situation. I think it's a combination of control and insecurity. And it's not just with guys. I like to know that my relationship with someone is always solid and in a good place. If it's not, I feel it is important to address it immediately and get it fixed. I hate the unknown. I hate when I don't know exactly where I stand with someone. Possibly stems from my younger days of being voted "Most Eager To Please". Okay, it's not what you are thinking...but it was the fact that I was always the teacher's pet. Always wanted to be in the good graces and perform to perfection.
Yes, I am also a perfectionist. So, is that the problem as well? Okay, I have admitted to being an insecure, controlling perfectionist. Now isn't that attractive! A Most Eager To Please insecure, controlling perfectionist!! Wow! That is deeply fucked up! So how do I work on this? Any recommendations? The scary thing is....I am told that I am extremely pretty, people love around me and that I am a together person when it comes to business, my kids and other things in my life. So the dilemna on why I am so dysfunctional in relationships?
The good news is that I drive Chris absolutely crazy but thankfully he is my soulmate so he understands my insanity moments. At first, we used to fight like crazy. He would get so angry with me. Now, he just gives me a sarcastic comment back, laughs at me or ignores me. "I heard you but your pissing me off so I am ignoring you!!" or "No Ms. High Maintenance, I'm not ignoring you and if I was telling you to fuck off, I would use much nicer words". So, I'm so glad we are friends. He just takes me at face value---the lunatic that I am!
I have a funny story I had to share---Chris and I are on the phone and he told me he bought a tin wooden soldier. Now what the fuck is a tin wooden soldier? How ridiculous is that! A wooden soldier is suppose to be made out of wood. As far as I'm concerned it's a tin man. I don't care, if it's not wood, it's a tin man. He's was annoyed that I was making fun of his "Tin Wooden Soldier" but he laughed when he thought about the logic of it. Tomorrow is his birthday. I already sent him cards with couples fucking and I wrote "Have a Fucking Amazing Day". I wish I could do more but it's so hard. We don't see each other often, I can't get him something materialistic and since we are not more than friends ...a gift on the sexual nature is out. So what does that leave? A handshake!
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