Can You Surrender In the Game Of Real Life?

Working so hard, Mystery Man gone and its the end of the month and the finances are insane. Broken car, broken teeth, broken burner...yes, I think the burner died today. I have had enough. I just want to surrender and give up....I am tired of working and not being able to pay the bills. And this is with the hubby still here....I don't want to do this anymore. I am pretty good at what I do, yet underpaid. Can't take a chance when the hubby is being paid so little. So what do I do? i'm tired....and I'm so lonely and I feel like a failure. I feel myself retreating more and more from the world around me. I'm done...I know that a man shouldn't bring you happiness but MM helped me get through a week. That magical, lustful escape with the hottest sex. I wonder if he knows that his dark, depression has put me into one too. I want to write to him, I've been leaving him alone..I don't want to lose him forever.

Wow, its been awhile since I was feeling like this...my excitement for the day was looking for a prostate massager for Mr. Porsche online! hehehe...ok, a little sleeping pill and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. So....anyone win the Mega that cares to share? lol

You trust me with your cock in my mouth BUT

Weird thing happened today with Mr. Porsche and while it probably shouldn't bother me,it really does. I do work for him and a project needed to be paid for. I charge him cost so I asked him for his credit card number. And he didn't want to give it to me. Mind you, I have a credit card number (and even an actual credit card) from each of my clients for some reason or another. If I am going to charge cost for something, I have them pay direct for it (and they appreciate it....this way they never question if I was making money on it).

Now I know he likes to control everything...and it wasn't the cost, it was the fact that I would have his credit card number. I was shocked. First of all, he should know me better. I pride myself on the person I am. I know I have had affairs BUT I don't lie or steal about anything else EVER in my life. And he knows me. I mean, I was approached this week (indirectly) by my biggest competitor and I turned the person down. Ethics is important to me. Yes, the money would have been amazing and quite frankly, I threw out a number that was so ridiculous so that he wouldn't approach me directly (I would have to burn all bridges, and I am not like that). Stupid? Probably....but that is who I am.

Am I crazy for being hurt by his reaction? He did give it to me in the end....But, think about it. This is a man who trusts me with his cock deep inside my throat, my long nails up his ass rubbing his prostate....a man who trusts my business instincts and brainstorms with me on business decisions......a man whose biggest secret in the world I hold, where we both could cause both our lives to completely tumble if our affair was found out.....and he's worried about a damn credit card. I mean if I was a thief, I could steal it while he was in the shower, 100 times by now....GEEZ...I am hurt and while I know I should have let it pass....I couldn't. I had sent him some business stuff we are working on and of course I mentioned it in there. Actually was considering to not even use the credit card but frankly, its the end of the month and he would have to wait till Wednesday for me to order it if I put it through my business.

Please explain men to me?

On a side note, my son has been wanting an earring. I have always said I was going to make a big deal out of it for him to get one (although I think men look hot with an earring). Anyway, he's been asking for two years and yesterday....I just said ok. He was shocked. And then he went and got an earring. Now my son is a quiet boy. Very handsome, but quiet and shy (ok, not like I am today but like I was when I was younger). Anyway, I pick him and his friends up tonight (did I mention that I am the cool mom who is allowed to be the pickup)...and the boys got into the car and one of them said that a girl gave me son her number! Hehehehehe.....how funny....my son was blushing but I was so excited for him. My baby is growing up. Funny thing....I haven't seen him in the shower for a long time...I used to worry, well his pecker was soooo small. Two weeks ago, I saw him in the shower for the first time (I have glass doors and had to run in quickly)...and I was relieved to see...he has finally hit puberty....lol Funny how you hate to think of your children in that way. Oh my...that's like thinking of your parents having sex....UGH!!!! lol

Met with Divorce Attorney

Well I finally met with divorce attorney. After almost 2 years, we met face to face again. And quite frankly, he is bigger talk over the email. I think he is a little shy and just such a newbie that he was super nervous.

I was nervous too about meeting him. I mean I gained 10 lbs sincse the last time I saw him. My hair wasn't colored or cut and quite frankly, I wasn't feeling sexy. But I said who cares....let him see me at my worse.

Well we sat in his car and talked because the bookstore was packed (doesn't anyone go to the library anymore?). He was sweet, talking to me about this and that as he had the biggest hard on in his pants. The brush test was not necessary...that cock was standing out. Trying so hard to be a gentleman....I reached over and kissed him.....then slowly traced my nail up and down his face...he loved it. He gave a little boy giggle and smile.

You eyes are gorgeous..he told me. And your smile so inviting...hmmm...very nice. I brushed the outside of his pants (tease, I know) and he moaned a little. Yes, he loved the attention and I loved feeling wanted.

I got my consult about my divorce. Basically, I am screwed is what he said. He told me to try and go to a mediator too. I will have a better chance then when lawyers get involved.

I left him and he texted me. You look great!! I giggled..can you imagine how sexual I would have been if I felt sexy.

Spoke to Mr. Porsche too today. Funny how we re-aligned after a fabulous day of sex. We are sweet and cuddly again on the phone with each other. Of course I was thinking this weekend...was the sex better because Mystery Man is out of the picture? Did we connect better because it is just us now? I truly wonder.

Okay, I am off to bed. Have a damn toothache. It figures, I was looking for a dentist online yesterday and today, I get a toothache. Rrrrrrr....I hate dentists....

I Am A Squirter!

Today was unbelievable HOT!! I met Mr. Porsche. I have to tell you....this was THE MOST AMAZING SEX WE HAVE EVER HAD!!!

I got the room early, he was running late. Honestly, until an hour before, I didn't even know if we were on for sure. I told him to relax, I had plenty of time. Yes, I had worked through the night to clear my afternoon in hopes we would meet. Waiting for him, I dozed off thinking how hot it would be for him to blindfold me. My phone rang....work...I jumped up and was on the phone with business when he walked in. I threw him a kiss....and he began to undress. "do yu have to make any calls?" he sweetly asked, hearing my conversation was a serious issue. Nope, I'm clear and the next thing you know.....he threw a blindfold on me and began to undo my bra and take off my panties. Giggling, I said...hey, I didn't even see you....he comes closer and kisses me so gently and then I hear it......BUZZZZZZZ......not a vibrator but his shaver!

I have been letting my pubic hair grow since he went away. He had said he was going to shave me and he never had the time so I let it grow (ok, trimmed it but was not the landing strip I usually have). OMG!! He was shaving my pubic hair...I was giggling....he was making a heart! Totally unexpected and hot! And then, the shave was over and he went down on me.....sucking and biting my clit. Oops forgot about the nipple clamps he put on my nipples! So erotic, so hot...he went down on my pussy like he hadn't eaten in years! Mmmm......I could feel myself wet and I could feel his fingers inside of me.....play with your nipples...he said...and so I obeyed. Slowly he moved my nipples to my mouth...lick your nipples.....so I was licking my nipples and he was eating me out. And, I came....the rush overcame me. And that was just one of I think 5 for the day....

Today was different than other days. He ravaged me! Kissing me with the blindfold as if we couldn't get enough of each other. It was hot, it was intense. I was moaning and sucking face with such a force as the vibrator was now in my ass....another rush! With the blindfold, it was different. the feelings more intense...the kissing so much more fulfilling as if we would never kiss again or passionate makeup sex. Today I was different. I didn't care about my pouch or my legs or anything. Maybe because I couldn't see them. Whatever the reason....my legs were in the air and he was fucking me hard and I was totally free, enjoying each thrust......He was pumping away and I was in heaven.

Mr. Porsche and I usually have sex for an hour or so. Today it was over 1 1/2 hours nonstop! the two of us were sweating but it made it even hotter. Sex as if you could never have it again. Of course a little doggie style and I came again. Geez...all this horniness bottled up with a little roughness.

Now we switched and I put the blindfold on him. I teased him about the shaver. The vibrator and the shaver sound the same when you have a blindfold on. So I put the vibrator near him and he jumped...Trust I said. And he laughed. He still has sex with his wife so any shaving would be noticeable.....not daring? I giggled loving the control. No, not stupid..he laughed.

I sucked his cock and licked his balls. I had the vibrator lubed and up his ass......I was licking that sensual area between his balls and his asshole....and even went down to lick his hole. He moaned...Get on Top...and so I did...and I rode him like a cowgirl! Oh yes, I am starting to get this on top thing down!! But he still did not cum! I take it personally although he is definitely enjoying himself. But his cock will go rock hard and then get a little softer and hard again. I was determined to get him to cum. I worked and worked and sucked and sucked and licked.....it was intense....he was hard but couldn't get there. I could feel his prostate pulsating but he couldn't get just to that point to cum.

He ripped the blindfold off and we began to fuck with me on top even more....then I leaned over and he fingered me....with a finger up my ass, and two fingers inside of me.....as I was on my knees....I felt a wave and this pop! And then I heard him say...Oh wow....you just squirted....I did what? What just happened to me?!!? I squirted?! I didn't even know girls were able to do that until a year ago when I saw it on a porn site?! I SQUIRTED!!!!! Woo HOOO!!!! Another first in my life!! WOW! I was so excited. It was because my clit was so sensitive and he just kept going at it. I usually pull away but he wouldn't let me....he kept working it and hitting my G Spot and wow, that was amazing.

I went back down on him determined to get him to cum....after squirting, I was exhausted though and lied my head in his lap and suckled his cock as he stroked my hair. A minute to rest and it was sensual and erotic. He loved it too. Watching me gently suck his cock as I relaxed in his lap and he played with my hair.

I jumped on him backwards on top...(didn't like that so much) then I went down to make him cum. He talked about how he wanted to bring a woman into the room. Not to touch him at all but to just suck on my tits and to watch me suck on hers....as well as other areas. I told him I don't share....he said I don't have to, she wouldn't touch him. I am not ready for that...he didn't push it just talked about it more.

So back to my determination to making him cum. We are talking the vibrator up his ass, me licking his balls and him helping jerk off his cock. Finally, he came. All over my face.....and we giggled...I opened my mouth so he could try and aim. IT went everywhere except in my mouth.

Okay, he was running late for a meeting but he knew I have to cuddle. Come up here and let me give you your 3 minutes of cuddling. He knows I love that time that I lie in his arms and he kisses me gently and I play with my finger nail going up and down his chest. We lie and talk and I love that time. It's so private, it's so just us. I'm on the wrong side....I complained. Today you are staying here. Did you know that the right side is the dominant sleeping side? We are both right side sleepers and we laughed. Two control freaks...lol

"I want a full day with you in September" I blurted out. We'll see, I can't explain a full day he said. Oh come on!!! We'll see. Well I started to tickle him and he started to fall off the bed and now I was saying.....say yes, say yes. He was laughing so hard and squirming and falling off the bed. we literally were on the floor as we both fell out of the bed and I was still tickling him. Laughter is great....it relieves so much stress. He finally got me in a hold....and leaned over and said "I will see if I can....I promise and then he kissed me gently. Yes, I am a sucker for a gentle kiss. We jumped in the shower and talked work. And then we rushed to get dressed.

We kissed a few more times and he hugged me. I hate good bys, especially when the sex is so damn good.

I left this time and I felt like I do with Mystery Man. That sexual high. I was happy, very happy. I had a presentation tonight after this and Mr. Porsche called me from the car. Good luck baby on your presentation tonight. Now that meant the world to me. He makes me feel so good. Sigh, 2:25AM and the day feels like centuries ago. But today, I squirted...I never thought I could. I wonder how that happened?!? Damn, I love good sex!

Work. work and more work makes Cheri a dull, dull, horny girl!

Spoke to Mr. Porsche today. Actually he called and I couldn't pick up. He left a message Call me....hmm..as if we spoke 10 minutes before not almost a week ago. So I thought about not calling back and then I said....now that's babyish...but I will get ready and then call. And so I was getting ready and an hour later he called again "Okay, playing hard to get are ya! Please call me". I started to giggle....so he knew me so well but not as well as he thought. I was going to call back.

I called him and we talked and I wasn't going to give him a hard time BUT I had to do a dig..."so when you said I'll call ya back last Wednesday, I guess you didn't specify WHICH Wednesday so technically you may be a day early!" He started to laugh. We talked for a minute and then he said I am going to have to call ya back....he did but I had run downstairs so he left another message but I just called back.

It was so nice. He made the time to talk like we used to talk. Almost 45 minutes. Catching up, sharing our lives. I told him about the client and I knew he would have some great advice...that's what I was looking for. I love that he is so assertive, so business minded and so willing to give me great advice on things. His advice was exactly what I decided to do so I felt great that he re-assured me. I love when he says so what are you going to do about it? Knowing that I have to take action. Yes, he immediately came up with two solutions....and it felt so good to talk to him about them. Something I am missing from my life right now. A friend. A partner to bounce life off of.

I got off the phone and felt good. About a 1/2 hour later I listened to his message. "You know you should be here right now under my desk sucking on my cock that is yearning for ya. mmm...I love the way you suck my cock!" I laughed and sent a text knowing he was in some big meeting "just got your voice mail....correction baby. You should have your face in between my legs sucking and licking my clit until I have an intense orgasm!" lol

A pleasant surprise when I was on the phone with a client...Mr. Porsche chimes in at the end of the day. "hey baby..so you hadn't gotten my message before our conversation. Nope,I said did you get my text? He just laughed. Oh, my clit needs some intense licking from you....I think you need the nipple clamps too!....mmmm...such a luscious thought, I can't wait! We talked a little and then he said :honey, I just wanted to say I hope your day gets better! Thanks baby, talk tomorrow! And we hung up. We are okay. A little strained but ok.

I felt so much better. I felt so less alone. That there was someone in my corner that I trust with a great business head to brainstorm with. I laughed that today, I was probably better than I have been in days. I was focused. I was determined to work. I told my client a little about the other client's vicious attack. I wanted him to know just in case he threatened my position that I had to swallow a little of my pride to keep the business. He agreed that we have to keep dexpanding our business leads.

Found a hottie on Ashley

Well, there is this cute guy on Ashley...I sent him a note. I keep my profile off so he actually didn't respond back. Probably thought it was a fake...oh well. I don't want to leave it on because I will then get emails from others and I am not ready to answer. Although, I have found myself doing searches lately. Hmmm....maybe I am ready to re-enter the world!

Mr, Porsche is MIA. and I am upset. I have a feeling I will hear from him tomorrow but our relaionship is strained right now. Wow, two months ago....I was the most content woman and now I have no one. Amazing how life works...

Well today I found this story online. How fucking funny.. This woman is selling her husband's cheating girlfriends underwear and the emty condom wrapper. Only on the internet!! Man, I want to sell something offbeat. I have to figure out what!





Funny, life is so amusing!

Dry Spell....Horniness is Killing Me

I don't know how much longer I can take these sexless weeks. I mean I was having amazing, amazing sex with two men......and now......I need more batteries for my vibrator. I hate walking around with that tight feeling and there being no relief. This truly sucks. Oh I will see Mr. Porsche this week. I think the anticipation is what is getting me all worked up tonight. I just want hot, wild sex. I just want to be fucked from behind till I drop from exhaustion.


Yes, all this stress with work and home.....I need a relief. I did write MM. I joked but then I had to tell him that I missed him terribly. I do miss him terribly. Is it time to start going back to Ashley?? Or do I dare to venture to the ...oh my, SINGLES sites....Do I try Match.com?

I am not ready for Match.com I don't think. Those people are looking for relationships.....right now, I want sex. That's it. I am tired of emotion....wow, I sound like a man. But my head is filled with emotion....hmmm....a hot boy toy escort service....interesting thought....6 pack...no attachment...it would be something new....another add to my experiences...well, I know I won't do that...disease scares me...BUT its a great fantasy to take to the tub with my waterproof vibrator right now.

Yes, tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is a new week (I know technically today was) and I am determined to start it off right. A little masturbation and a little fantasy. Yes, I am determined to make this a great week.

Oh, funny story. I needed my brakes fixed today. But I went to the place late in the afternoon. I decided to go down there even though they usually will only take your car before 12n. So I went down in a tank top and shorts....and smiled and acted innocent (oh I didn't know....isn't there anything you can do for me?) And....my car got fixed! lol I had it by closing. Okay, I felt a little guilty when they turned another two people away and someone whose car came in at 12 they wouldn't do...he had to leave it. But that gave me the lift I needed. Cheri baby, you can do it. You can build that business you want to build......and yes, that stupid little car situation made me realize.....I CAN DO IT!! Now if I could just find sexual contentment again....can you imagine the miracles I could perform????!! LOL

A Lesson Learned...

I have had a very big strain with a client lately. What went down last night was mind blowing. Vicious and manipulative and quite frankly....disgusting. He requested a meeting because someone important was in town. In a terrential storm, I drove there. Before I left, like a lunatic, I ran home printed out some material I wanted to give to him (that I worked on till 2AM) and as I was running out, my new folders had arrived for my business. I grabbed the folder (because it was at the door and glossy) and this way his work wouldn't run in the rain.

It was a great meeting at his home..martinis, sushi....the person we were meeting I do a lot of work with....it went very well. The folder was on the couch so afterwards, the client and I could discuss the work that I had brought. this person asked me to see it and I took out my clients work and gave it to him. Can I take this? I will be more than happy to do give you some free services.....I had them printed for a big presentation I am giving, I had said. And think, we got you more clients....(which was one of the things my client and I were working on). This gentleman left and everything seemed okay and out of no where...he attacked. Accusing me of planning this...being manipulative and not being focused on his business. ?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I had no idea what he was talking about. I can see behind your manipulations, don't lie. You purposely brought that to pitch to him your company.

I broke down in tears. That was the farthest thing from my mind...it never crossed my mind at all. His work was in there....I wasn't even showing it to this person. My client was vicious and ruthless....ssaying he was doing this all for me. He spent $10,000 so I could look good and succeed at this big project I have been working on...

First, I have never been attacked like that by anyone, let alone a client. He continued to attack me on something else that I also did nothing wrong. It's a long story but he got me to work for him based upon an agreement that he would be getting more work for me for another client. the other client agreed to let me work for him part time. What he was accusing me of was asking for some business from his office (which I said jokingly--hey don't forget about my client when you are referring that work).

I have never been attacked like this in my life. In any capacity....I was hysterical because this man was accusing me of being the scum of the life. I pride myself on my work ethics and my intregrity. I could approach things so much differently and get further but I believe in ethics first. He also threatened me with cutting off work to my main client which he knows threatens my job. And then, he's going on and on how he wants to help me and make me succeed. Be my mentor and make sure I am taken care of.

I have never left so exhausted. He said let's forget it and was charming at the end. but I was shooken beyond belief. I could lose everything. He now wants to get me a permanent position with this company.....yes, it would be stability and I would be mserable. He said he would be losing me but he wanted what is best for me. Reality is.......I would be indirectly working for him and the client I would have to give up......I would be now working for their competition. I know its confusing but basically...he would still benefit.

I was in bed all day with a migraine. Such power this man has and he is scary. What I think bothers him is that I am proceeding with my dream which he a year ago wanted to invest in. I am proceeded without his help. And he wants my 100% dedication to him and my company is sidetracking me. Its not. the man pays me for 6 hours a week of work and he gets over 20 every week. Sometime 40!

So now what? Is he really looking out for me? I cannot believe that someone would be like this but quite frankly I am in atouch spot right now. I could lose three clients...basically 99% of my money. He could pull his work, another clients and destroy my other client. POOF...and he knows it and don't think he would hesitate to destroy me (even though he says he is doing this all for me). He's angry because I am not content. Honestly, after taxes I walk away with $9500 a year. It's the other jobs that are pulling in for me.

I thought all day and I decided...I have to continue with my company. I have to continue and start building quicker. I have to expand my clients base so that we won't have to rely on his work. You can attack my work, you can attack anything but to attack me as a person. I didn't need to give that guy my info....I speak to him 6 times a week on the phone and email even more. The fact that my client would even think that would cross my mind...I am really sick about it.

So after such abuse..I still have a job to do for him. And quite frankly, I am going to be a professional and for myself, I am going to succeed at it. I stayed and took the abuse because of my children. But next time, I know I am going to have to walk. So it is 3AM, I can't sleep. I am sitting here working on my company.....and after a day of lying in bed and thinking about it....last night gave me the push that I needed. It's time to move forward. I know what I have to do...get the business moving.....and i I see it is getting somewhere...serve my husband with the divorce papers so he has no rights to my company before I start getting successful.

Yes, I am a good person with a good heart. I have my faults but professionalism is not one of them. I am good at what I do....so last nights disaster will hopefully give me the strength to move on. Fighting the odds but I am going to win. Nothing is more powerful than a determined woman on a mission for survival.....

Yum, Beer!!

For some reason, I so badly desired a beer after this commercial!!

An Empty Crater In My Heart

I started the day off in a real bad way. Feeling overworked and sad and ALONE. I have worked like a dog today and I feel so unappreciated. A client calls today-yes, the one who made me cry. All of a sudden he was sweeter than sugar. He needed me for something. Yes, it's this one client that truly takes advantage and works me to the bone.

My phone rang again. It was a friend who had bad news....my child's friend had died in their sleep. Secret Lovers Lane is not a place for kids, but with my life entwining so lately....and my emotions in flux..my different parts of my life are crossing. A sinking feeling and tears filled my eyes. With out getting into detail, we all dedicate our lives to our children....however, with a child with severe disabilities....the dedication is tremendous. You give your heart, your soul, your life...my heart ached for this mom today. And I have not been able to get this child's face out of my head. A child who was always happy and smiling and always filled my heart with warmth when I saw him. This child was extremely special demonstrating amazing strength with so much working against him. So I have a wake next week that is going to be heart wrenching.

The rest of the day, I threw myself into my work. Trying not to come out of it but the emptiness was so deep that it actually hurt. My chest hurts today. I kind of looked around and said What am I doing? I work like crazy to pay for a house, doing a job that I am underpaid for and stuck in a marriage that is loveless and not able to spend quality time with my children. Something
isn't right here.

And then....Mystery Man came to my head. Yes, my heart is aching for him too. How I wish that I could run to him and just get lost in his arms. How I can see us lying together as I gently kiss his face from his lips to his ear and so gently back again. How flashbacks of us fucking from behind as I look up at him and I can feel our souls connect and he would smile and throw me a kiss in the mirror. I don't know how we can leave that behind.....how I realize now how he was my escape from it all. How our bodies just melded together and our souls healed each other. I have held myself back all night from sending him an email...just saying I had to let you know, I Miss You So Much Tonight. But I didn't send it.

the truth is I don't even want to go upstairs tonight. The tears are finally falling now and I am not sure exaclty why I am crying. I think its the just the whole ball of wax...hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I haven't felt like this in a long time.....a definite depression. Sweet Dreams My Friend!!

Afraid of Getting Old and All Stressed!

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When Life is A Rollercoaster--Take it for A ride!

Today, I did something I haven't done in years. I had to travel and pick up one of my kids 3 hours away. The ride did me good...it gave me time to think. Actually, I blasted the music they whole way...a great feweling with the sunroof open and the windows and my hair blowing in the wind.

He happened to be in the town where Soulmate Chris lives. Yes, my first true connection in this crazy world I live in. the first man who held me with such passion and kissed me like I don't ever remember being kissed. My podcast buddy, the man who literally saved me when I was desperate and alone. We haven't spoken in over a year. Today I called. I dialed and he picked up and honestly there was silence when he heard it was me. I could feel the pit open in his stomach and his heart skip a beat. The first 3 seconds were awkward and then we started to talk for about a 1/2 hour. It felt good. He asked about me, I just filled him in about the divorce announcement. He was happy for me that I sounded so together.

He had gotten caught...sadly after he had given the affairs up. And honestly, he's back on track and so is his marriage. I told him how happy I was for him and truly glad my friend was doing so well. We chatted about podcasts and life and us. He told me he would have met me but he was going to a theme park with his kids. Funny, I was thinking about doing that with my son too today since I was only 15 minutes away. I decided not to tell him. We probably wouldn't see each other so why stress him out. As we were hanging up....so happy that I called....."I miss you buddy....keep in touch. Call once in awhile to just touch base." I miss you too and I will he said. It was warm, it was nice and I am so glad he was a part of my life. Funny how someone can be with you for a year and you talk 2o times a day...and now....its warm fuzzy memories.

So now I went to the theme park with my son and we had an amazing time. I don't get to spend quality time with him but today we did. It was Rollercoaster Day. Yes, we went on 6-7 rollercoasters. What a rush!! That feeling of escape....of screaming and laughing and enjoying the speed and the flips.....I love rollercoasters! One after another after another....it was insane. My son actually gave up before I did.

We ate crap all day. We laughed, we talked....and we went on some wild rides. A perfect day!! I do think Soulmate Chris saw me at the park..because at one point my phone rang 5 times.....private...and the person didn't leave a message. I checked it so if he was watching me, he would have seen me checking. I probably was blowing his mind that I was there. But quite frankly, I didn't care.

Cumming A Long Way Since My First Affair

I decided to re-do the Rendezvous Radio website with better information for having an affair. So to my surprise, I went to the website and was amazed. Amazed at how different I am today from when I was then. There was a teenage dreamy feel to my thoughts and desires. You can sense the excitement, the desire and I wrote such great poems of desperation.....ite
Reading the website, I realized that I have become an amateur in the field yet no longer that newbie with rose colored glasses and starry eyes. I still believe in romance, I still believe in my soulmate is still out there. But that virgin cheater in me is gone.

I want to thank you all for your advice on the MM matter. And quite frankly, you are 100% right. I sent a sweet note to MM that I care and I am here for him. Realizing how much I do miss our rendezvous' and escapes. Yes , I miss his lips, I miss his cock, I miss the amazing sex! My desire to hold him again is overwhelming but I have to accept it for now.

And Mr. Porsche....my feelings...getting way too comfortable for him. He's feeling way too much control these days. So, I am retreating. I am not calling today nor am I going to discuss any work with him. He wants his work completed...he needs to mention it to me. No good morning baby today. I had forgotten something about out last meeting but my subconscious did not. He had said as we were in the heat of the moment "You love being my slut, you love when I control you and I use you". Now it was all part of the role BUT Cheri does not like the USE YOU part. All weekend was sitting with me. Use me? I don't think so darling....while he meant nothing by it--I need respect. In an affair, you do use each other in a way...each one getting out of it what they need. However, the words didn't sit well with me. I feel like Patrick Swayze's line "No body puts baby in the corner!!"

So, today I am feeling independent and alive. Determined to get my work and projects done. So what do you think should be on the new website? What tips, commments, information was the most useful to you on your journey so far?

Take The Poll on Extramarital Affairs

WOW!! Have you looked at the poll results so far. 72% of the people who voted have had an affair. Cast your vote now!! Let's get some real stats here! (Look at the sidebar for the poll!)

Also, as an FYI, I have reconnected the podcast so for those who wanted to listen, it is now available. It's not on Itunes right now. I have to figure out how to hook it back up there.....

So, it amazes me how I could go from 2 men....so content. To actually none. Mr. Porsche is there but he has been in a wicked mood. Rrrr.....

Do I dare to look again online for my married prince charming? Not at this time..I need to get my head on straight! Focus on me.

Okay I'm exhausted...off the bed!! Wanna join me?

Mystery Man, What should I do?

Instead of disappearing and going MIA as he has in the past. This time, he is staying in contact but I do not know what to do. I really need some advice here.

I've always said that MM has a dark side to him. He has disappeared before and to me it seems like the pressure of work (or pressure of something) really gets to him. Honestly, I think he does have some time of disorder. Manic Depressive, Depression, Anxiety. There is something there that he suffers from.

Now usually, instead of me seeing this, he retreats and disappears....reappearing when things are better with him. This time, he had promised me that he wouldn't disappear and he has been keeping his promise.

Yes, he has said that he is in a bad place. He appreciates me trying to make him smile with jokes and telling him I would be there for him. But he says he's in a bad place right now...he said how he hates this feeling. My heart ached. I felt so helpless.

He wrote me at the beginning of the week that while one head would love to spend time with me and misses me...the other head is really in a bad place. That the walls seem to be closing in and are about to topple on him

I feel helpless. What can I do? I begged him to meet me. That we can just sit and relax and talk or not talk or just hang. That I need to see him. I told him I would work around his schedule....and I basically begged him to just see him. He responded today....

Sorry was out of town and was not checking messages. Don't think I can do what you want, it's just too difficult for me right now. Sorry to
be this way but just very difficult to cope with anything now.

So now what? What do I do? How do I respond to that? Do I send him jokes and try to be light like I was doing? Do I just tell him that I am here for him? Do I admit to him that I feel helpless and that I care and basically ask him what I can do? He's really in a bad place. I don't know if I should play it light and keep sending jokes or if I should be totally serious...what would you say to that note.

I realize now.....how much I care for him. I want to just see him and hold him. To try and make him feel better. He won't do that. I dont want to push the issue and make him run....I want him to know I care. For the first time in my life, I don't know what to do. One wrong move, and I feel like he will disappear forever. Wow, I care so much about him. It hurts me to know he is hurting.

Advice anyone? Please...a direction....I don't want to lose him by making the wrong move here....

A Little S&M Flavor to the Rendezvous

Since my last post, so much as gone on. What an active day yesterday. As I am sitting here, I realize why I don't post Mr. Porsche's meetings. Because the person I am in the bedroom with him is so different than the person I am in all other aspects of my life. It's so difficult to write about the submissive role that I play in our rendezvous' when I am sitting here in such control and Miss. Responsible. And then when I am with him...I've been experimenting in an area that is dark, a little out of my comfort zone yet hot in an offbeat way.

He loves control. He loves controlling me. More than anything in the world,he wants me to call him "My Master"....words I can't bring myself to say.....however yesterday he did get me to say YOU ARE! Damn, we were having anal sex and he was pumping me so hard and I was mentally flying....and as my orgasm was hitting an all time high...he says Who's your master? I would have done anything at this point...the orgasm was coming with such a rush...I screamed and was panting and all I remember was as the rush of the orgasm took over my whole body....I said You are! Yes, in return I knew he was going to take me to a mindblowing state The old OH WOW FACTOR!!! And my body was in that state I love more than anything in this world!! Mmmm....After, I reach that point, I cannot move. My body is tingling, my mind is at peace and its better than any drug in existence. Balance, peace, euphoria...bliss! Yes, the OH WOW CONNECTION!

He's a little rough...he loves my nipples...I mean he is so into them....he loves to get them so damn erect....I can't figure out if its pleasure or pain...its the border sometimes..I can see how S&M has its place when its on that border like that!
Amazingly, it makes me so fucking wet. I mean I giggle that in my 40's that I am wetter than I was when I was in my 20's. I look at the wetting lubricants as I pass them in the drugstores and I giggle sometimes because if I got any wetter...we would be swimming!

The experimental things we've been doing: well anal I've been doing for awhile now but he is the only guy who loves his prostate rubbed. He loves my finger up his ass and massaging his prostate. He is also the first guy that I have given a rim job too. It is a turn on to me that it is so slutty and out of my comfort zone AND that it turns him on so much. The turn on I think is that it turns him on so much to take me beyond my comfort zone. I'm like a little kid being that devil...its mysterious, its hot and everytime I am with him...I am not sure which direction he is going to take me.

Control. Yes, if he makes a request and I don't submit to the request (which is an internal struggle with me at the beginning because of the Miss Independent I am) he will squeeze my nipples a litte harder or grab onto my hair and control my moves. He manages to get my arms pinned when I least expect it and I am intrigued by his manipulation skills. Oh there is trust here. And without that, I would not be able to go out of my comfort zone.

Oh, I control too....when he is lying there and his cock is in my mouth...I know I have the power. Yes, he can't resist my mouth on his cock....my lips wrapped around and sucking as I work my way down his balls and he moans. And quite frankly,the fact that I take him to a place that blows his mind too (with all that he has experienced, the fact that I make him cum like never before--now that's hot!)

What do I enjoy about men? Well of course the hot sex but its also the idea that I learn their body, learn the man. Take the cues and figure out what does it...what excites a man. I am always amazed how one man can be turned on by one thing and another so turned off by the same thing. It's like experiementing with a recipe...testing the different ingredients until.....PERFECT!! You got down exactly what they like....you know what is going to send them through the roof. Yes, I can say that I know what Mr. Porsche and Mystery Man love (and what they don't). Quite honestly they are opposites....lol

The only place I couldn't go...hmmmm....he want to video me masturbating and put it on the internet. Still debating about that one. He laughs....okay, so you tell everyone about every orgasm you have, you have broadcasted your desires, you've posted your tits online...and you don't want to experiment with the next stage. I'll keep you informed about that one. Other mentions that I haven't bit on is someone watching and the newest addition yesterday was him peeing on me. Not sure I can deal with that one....for some reason I am open to things but that is not doing it for me....

So that was my day yesterday. When I got there, I told him I was upset. I gained 5 lbs. and I felt very unsexy. He looked me in the face and said I don't give a shit except it bothers you. You should get to the gym for you. Oh, and then right after my OH WOW Connection.....he slapped my ass 10 fucking times for each lb that I gained times 2. I did not see that coming....it hurt but I giggled....

And of course, the cuddling. No man escapes a rendezvous without cuddling with me. "This is so important to you. You love the cuddling'. He likes it too...but its not as important to him as it is to me. Yeah, I miss the connection with someone. I love lying in a man's arms and him holding me tight as I lie on his chest and gently move my nails around on his chest. Honestly, the last few months, both Mr. Porsche and MM have fallen asleep while I do that. It's relaxing, we're at peace....its a connection.

So, that was my day with Mr. Porsche. then I went to meet my High School friends. What a fucking amazing time I had. I laughed so damn hard...I'll give you an update later.

Have a great day. Yes, today I am at peace!! Balance!! I feel goooooooDDDD!!! SEX IS GOOOOOODDD!! Good Sex is Heaven!!!

Ashley Madison On the Radio This morning

The clock radio goes off this morning. You know it blasts and usually I barely stir. Today, the station was talking about Ashley Madison Agency.....how married men and women are living secret lives through this site. It was only a second, but you had to see me jump for that snooze bar. Last thing I need is hubby on Ashley now. No baby, that's my playground...

So yes, I started the morning out with a burst of energy! Jumping out of bed and deciding to try and make the most of this day. I worked from 6A-2AM last night. Deciding that I need to figure out how to manage my life and get more dough into the pot. I know money is not the answer to happiness but the lack of it can surely make you unhappy and stressed.

More and more signs lately have been pointing to me making career growth changes. Problem....I have so many great ideas, its just making them happen....everything takes time and I really can't work anymore hours. So...I need to sit down and plan. I know I can do this....I am a survivor! I always have been...I manage to land on my feet (and its not by accident...I work my ass off). I need to sit down and do an internal evaluation but lately the overwhelming creative ideas I have..seem to give me anxiety attacks. I have to think of it as business not my life. As a business woman, I am so together. I am so directed. Gotta put that into my personal life!

Today, I am meeting Mr. Porsche. I have mixed reactions. He is beyond stressed and his compassion and friendship which used to bond us has not been there. We barely talk anymore and when I used to be his sounding board--its not there. When we are together it is great!! But today, I am not feeling sexy. I am feeling fat and ugly. Not exactly the sexual energy that I usually transmit. Today I am a blob. I am thinking about staying dressed and just sucking his cock for two hours.

Is it possible for the music to never end?

I was putting my little one to sleep and this song came on the radio....the words just echoed throughout my head. Funny how I can't remember something that happened an hour ago...but the words to this song just came flowing back to me and here I was sitting in her room, singing her to sleep...and thinking..wow, so true. As a tear fell from my e ye as reality was right there. As we all grow, isn't it expected that we may take different roads and journeys?

And with all these questions in this song...there really is no answer. Life and love is just so unpredictable. "Since we know that its always changing, how can it always be the same"...so damn true. How do you keep the music playing? Is it possible to be best friends and lovers?

Finding Me- Again and Again and Again

Yes, I am in the finding me mode again. Frustrated and depressed--I literally put on 6 lbs this week. Amazingly scary! Yes, I am a comfort food person...my mom came over and when I put this shirt on she said "Oh....and rolled her eyes and blew her cheeks out like a blowfish. Hmm...I guess she noticed the 6 lbs? What a supportive mom....always there to jab an extra knife into the situation. Having enough...I mean I have really had enough with her and her critical view where she has always been right (my poor dad). I kindly asked my father to have her out of my house when I get back. Yes, I hit the wall with her.

This was right after the husband brought up coming on this business trip I have in October. WHAT?!!?!? So yes, I flipped. Flipped because my husband and my mother to deal with in one room is a torture chamber. No one could handle it. The combination is deadly.....

I am reading this book right now......about Women and midlife crisis'. Ironically, I purchased it 4 years ago but never got into it. Actually, it is now that I am meant to read it. You see, while the women in this book are 50......it perfectly describes my attitude and feelings. Except for one thing, I am lucky enough to still have some looks. One portion of this books theory is that at 50..its an adjustment to no longer be able to use your looks but your other assets you have.

And then I realized...wow, how sucky is that. I have only a few good years left to use my looks. Yes, I do admit it...I use my looks and my personality. Ironically, when I was absolutely stunning....I didn't know how to use my looks because I was so insecure (thanks mom...yes, you saying my fat thighs which now I look back and they were hot and muscular!)

But the good news is that I got this book just in time. You see.....it has finally hit me. A woman has a different midlife crisis. She wants to find herself again and her interests. She wants to take control of her life and enjoy her life. It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday. My work, my house, my husband, my mom......all are demanding of me. Ironically, my children are probably the least demanding now that I look at it. And the ones I want to spend some time with and enjoy. I am missing out....I am working so damn hard and meeting the demands of other people that I am missing out on what I want the most in life. Spend quality time with my children and quality time for myself.

A new found independence!! You see, the fact that I found this book today (instead of at 50) is a sign for me to start now in what I want. Not wait......I am in my prime. I am still pretty and turn heads (yes, I made sure yesterday after my mom made that remark). So, its time to LEAP and manage my time better......

As for Secret Lovers Lane....I want to blog about my day with Mr. Porsche..it was hot!! As for Mystery Man, my heart is breaking. He wrote back--while it is very tempting, my other head is wacked out right now.....how I hate this feeling......
More and more I am convinced that he suffers from depression or bipolar. I want to be there for him but he won't let me. I offered to treat him to a day at the motel...with no words, no sex just 2 hours of a massage, napping and relaxing.....we will see if he responds.....

Okay, back to planning my day. It's been boring sexually here.....I have been masturbating and using my toys actually but its not the same. Oh, I get that orgasm and thankfully I get extremely wet.....my pink vibrator still goes in and out with ease and does its job. But its not the same as a man's cock.......mmmmmmmm..........I love that feeling when the cock is just entering me.....feeling myself spread as it slowly goes in.....oh no...I am getting horny...no time for that...damn I love a hard cock!!