A Feeling Of Alone

It's been awhile since I have written. Not from a lack of wanting to but from a lack of time. I miss my blog, I miss my diary, I miss the serenity it has brought to me.

On a personal note, Cheri has been seeing one man for eight months now! Yes, not one cheat. I guess my big question is....is life always a scale or are you settling if someone is not exactly for you in every way? The New Guy and I connect emotionally and physically. There is never a lapse in our conversation, there is never a missing of affection, he loves to cuddle and he's amazing in bed. He can eat me out for hours and absolutely loves it, as do I. He's got a special technique with his lips and tongue that drive me insane.

I laugh like I have never laughed, I connect with him unlike others because we do not have secrets. However, there are the faults. He doesn't give me the support like Mr. Porsche did emotionally. It's a little about me and all about him sometimes. Most of the time its okay but some days, I need someone to hold me as the tears flow and tell me its going to be okay. That and his criticism of my lack of gym visits and my diet are starting to wear on me big time. Some days I feel I need a break. So if you are really happy and you enjoy someone but there are a few issues that are getting to you, do you stay?

My mind has been fragmented lately. Work is overwhelming and the house is too. The kids all have drama and I am trying to surge ahead with major things like wills, re-financing, ill parents....I have been carrying a very large burden. As expected, and none of you will be surprised, the EX has lost his job and got one and looking for another. So I had to pick up the burden of health insurance and he hasn't given me a penny in over 20 weeks. His old liens and problems just keep re-surfacing one way or another. IT's been a rough few months.

But...I have to say...I do not regret for one moment getting the divorce. If fact, with each screw up comes the satisfaction of knowing that I totally made the right decision. Now if life would just get a little easier!!

On a positive note, I am starting a new business. Aaahhh...I can't wait to get it off the ground. So I haven't been on Ashley Madison in a long time, anyone on there with some great stories? I miss it actually. Yes, the men were married but they were quality men. I have been considering to return to browse, see what's on there. Am I having an itch? I guess. I heard from so many blasts from the past this week that I am back thinking back to those hot sex encounters.

Mr. Porsche is still in my life but I haven't seen him in months. The pressure is on, he wants to see me. I don't have the heart to end it totally. Mystery Man...ahhh...I wouldn't trade a day in for what we had. The memories still pop in my head and make me smile. He won't write. I even attempted to bring him into the real world with me and link on linked in and he hasn't become my friend. I know its so over and honestly, I wouldn't want to re-kindle it because it might ruin the memories. But I have to tell you....everyone should have a romance like that. Everyone should experience the lust, passion and desire...one day we will meet again.

Pre-Sexual Flashback Torture

The last week has been like a whirlwind. I met New Guy. It's funny because he called me to his friends New Girl and I called him to mine, New Guy. We started talking on Monday last week and well he sucked me in. Constant calls, sexual talk, talking about our lives, our dreams, our desires and we were up till 4AM every night. He's dangerous. The worse type of guy is one that comes in like a whirlwind where you feel you are so caught up in it and that its been going on forever. Your soul feels good, your head feels good and you feel so fulfilled. Honestly, it felt more like an affair meeting from Ashley Madison than a date!

So, we met on Thursday for coffee. I wanted to meet him to see if there was any potential. No need to get all worked up and then be let down that there was nothing there. He says he is so taken by me. My looks, my brains, my smile, my flirty way and the fact that I am not a pushover. I tell him like it is. You are different, you aren't like the other girls (geez, as I type that I realize how I was so suckered in).

He's brilliant but he has that darkness about him. I find brilliant men sometimes have this really dark tortured side. As if they are too smart for this world. Amazing how such brains can torture a man. I think its on the lines of Einstein and Picasso. There is a fight within themselves. I am attracted and drawn to men like that. Actually the Mafia guy from two weeks ago was like that too and I also think thats where Mystery Man's darkness came from too. Oh there were others but a lot of them were smart taught. These men are acceptions, their knowledge, their brains are above the norm.

He wanted me to see him on Friday night. I had a date but I ended up cancelling it. I needed to see if I was into this guy or not. He admits to being a flirt and a little bit of a player. Making me feel like I am different, I am the first girl he really liked (oh my, how suckered...lol). He actually did tell his friends about me because one of them text and said so is it as good as you thought with the new girl? That made me feel good.

There is a part of the area that he loves. This area along the water that it seems when people move there, they never want to leave. This is where he wants to get an apartment, right now he is in the basement of his house until he can legally leave. He took me out to this amazing restaurant and we kissed and held hands. We talked, we laughed and we had a great time. It was cold out but I said--well you took me here, lets go to the water. Freezing cold, we were both shivering and we kissed by the water under the stars. A block away, his friend had a million dollar home that has a separate little cabana that he had the key (how convenient). We went there to hang out. I looked at him and said...leave the condoms in the car. Oh he's one of those that doesn't like condoms but with me--no condoms no sex. And honestly, if the condoms were in the car, I knew we were not going to have sex. He laughed, hoping to sway me but I was like---empty your pockets dude...put the condoms in the car.

We went into the apartment and I so didn't want oral sex either. I made it clear to him but I ended up sucking his cock. I know, I just couldn't resist. It was very tempting and I was hot and horny. We were totally naked and he was devouring my nipples. OMG, you have the most amazing nipples. I guess they are pretty hot looking. He's not the first to tell me that. Size D tits with nipples that get all pointy...real pointy...an inch or more...he was dying and you know how there is a direct link to my pussy. I was drenched. When he went to put his fingers inside of he was like, wow! you are so wet, that is so hot! As he was fingering me, I needed to cum, I needed to go over the edge. I had to get there so I started to play with my clit. You are so fucking hot he said. It is such a turn on to watch you masturbate and see how your face is at such peace.

I came so hard..the wave overcame me. My entire body pulsated and I could feel that euphoria I love so much. A wave of heaven and then I sucked on him for just a few minutes and he came all over me. He asked, can I cum on you and I said where ever you want baby. He moaned and he came all over my tits.

We cleaned up and laid there for a few minutes and then we got dressed. He drove me home and we talked and laughed the whole way. I was calling him on things. He's used to girls falling in love with him right away. Are you in love with me yet? I said OMG, yes, let's run off to Vegas and get married tonight! and we both laughed. Wise ass, he said. Yeah, that's me baby. Don't hold your breath, I ain't fallen like the other chickies!

He walked me to the door and came in for a minute and then he left. When he got home, he called me and we spoke till 5AM. It was crazy, I am into this guy. the last two hours we talked about work. He was cracking up, he said, OMG, you are so damm smart and I am getting a woody from it. Now that is sick. I am so turned on by your brain that I am hard as a rock. We both laughed. Most people do phone sex, we did work sex.

Go out with me tonight, he said. Oh man, I had a tentative date with non-committal weekend. I will have to let you know in a bit. I called Mr non committal weekend and it still was non committed for the night because he had to work late so I told him lets make it another night. I don't want to get mad. He said, go ahead, call the next guy. I laughed but it wasn't that far from the truth. He's not stupid, I know he feels I am dating other people. Pulling away just a little.

I called back New Guy...Okay lets go out. I want to take you to a motel. I want to be alone with you and hold you. He's a major cuddler. I want to eat your pussy. He loves pussy. Geez, I am not sure I am ready for this. We will see I said. Lets start with dinner. I heard there is a great motel that is clean and he names it. My coffee went flying out of my mouth. It was the motel that was mine and Mystery Mans. Now I am sure Mystery Man is there every week with a new chickie but I have only been there once with Mr. Porsche. It was a little weird but I know him so well so it wasn't so awkward. This was different, this was a new guy. A new guy having my first encounter. I wasn't sure how I felt about it. It's just a damn place, I told myself. You were there once before, you will be fine. Mystery Man long forgot about you and has probably made that his own place with someone new. You're over it. Deal with it.

And so the evening began. He picked me up, he kissed me so sweetly, he opened the doors and closed them for me...he's a gentleman. And he sweeped me off to a restaurant with a fireplace. Actually I had been there with Mr. Security before and another date but that didn't matter. I love this place in the winter, sitting right by the fireplace...let the fun begin!

I introduced him to my special toys!

Today was a day totally opposite from yesterday....but there is one common thread that is truly upsetting to me. I need to know, do condoms cause a man's penis to go limp if he is not used to wearing them? Realistically here I haven't had a hard cock in quite a long time and I am beginning to think it is me. The cock gets hard, the rubber goes on and with a thrust or two.....shrinkage. Please tell me this is normal and does happen or I will never take my clothes off again!!

The day however was amazing. The men I have been busy with are basically all aggressive. Oh there have been gentleness and slow, intense sex but today....it was truly vanilla. Vanilla like I have rarely experienced before. Mr. Organized and I met at a hotel. He picked a beautiful one too. He kissed me so gentle when I walked in and told me that I looked gorgeous. That I am so sexy. The man is just filled with compliments and for a change that is soooo nice.

We gently kissed for awhile and he undressed me as I undressed him. He laid me gently on the bed and he kissed me working his way down gently to each of my nipples and then kissing his way down to my clit. This man knows how to give oral. For a good 1/2 hour he was giving me the most amazing oral with his tongue gently licking my clit and one finger gently inserted. And as he made my body respond with an aura I almost didn't want to cum. It felt so good, it felt like heaven. However, when his finger hit my gspot and his tongue licked my clit so gently.....I could see the fireworks and I grabbed his hair and said..OH MY GOD!!!! The rush came over me. WOW, now there was an amazing orgasm.

And now it was my turn to reciprocate....I gave him the same treatment. Had him lie on the bed and I slowly worked my way down from his lips to his throbbing cock....I licked and sucked and massaged his balls....he got all excited and within 10 minutes he came. We both lied in each others arms and then we cuddled and kissed. It was so nice spooned together. It felt just right.

I was surprised when he started up again and said he was ready for sex. his cock was hard but not super hard. He put the condom on and then he thrusted and went limp. Now he was so upset. You could see the stress on his face. I am so sorry he said. OMG, I was so content, I was totally good with the day. Let's eat apples...he just laughed and said you are so cute. But he was stressed. Feeding him organic apples, I told him why was he upset? Was it me? He swore it was just the realization that he was getting older. I felt horrible.

And we lied there a little longer. I swore to him I was fine and I totally was. Let me take you to lunch he said. Oh no...we were not ending like this after a fantastic experience. I looked at him and said NO. So then I got up and said...my, my let me see what I have in my magic bag here. And I pulled out my bullet. I have to admit I had a vibrator and scarves to tie him up but I think he would have died. I turned the vibrator on and began playing with it and like a little kid his eyes lit up. Have you ever played with toys? No, he said. Have you ever masturbated? Again he said no. He was a good catholic boy. aaah, I see. Would you like to watch me masturbate? Oh yes....and he had a huge smile. I admit it , I felt like the devil at that point. Sucking him in to the world of bad boy...but I was intrigued that he never played with toys. So I began to masturbate with it and he was intently watching.....I was close to another orgasm and I said to him now you help me.....and he pushed the bullet in and out and he was enjoying watching it. I ended up cumming and then I pulled him on top of me for a little 69....

we both dropped to the bed and we relaxed. But I wasn't done...I turned the bullet on his cock...and made him just lie there and feel the vibrations. Do you like it? Oh yes.....on your cock or your balls..both but more on my balls. And so I used the bullet back and forth and back and forth..This baby got some power...Its my good and Plenty that I had lost for awhile. His cock got fully erect but what was even more amazing was his face. His face lost all its stress lost all its presence and he looked so peaceful, he looked like a little boy....I kissed his nose and traced my fingers on his face. Oh he was relaxed and it looked great. His face looked totally different.

Ironically to my surprise he said the same about me. That watching my face as I was about to cum was the most amazing experience for him. that I looked like I was so relaxed and so balanced and happy.

Time for a shower but honestly, he was not the type to jump into the shower with. Well not yet at least. So baby, did you have fun today i asked him? OMG, you are unbelievable. You do not know how I have never experienced a day like this and he gave me the biggest kiss.

And then I sat there wondering....wow, I have come a long way. The past five years I have experienced so much sexually. I have two people to really thank for that. Introducing me and making me feel good about vibrators and positions and exploring. I truly began enjoying and learned how to give a good bj with Mystery Man. I mean reality is, he was the first man's cock that I really wanted to suck. That I found to be irresistible. Lucky me.

And as for the cock going limp, be honest is it me? I am beginning to get a complex here since it is both with Mr. Porsche and now Mr. Organized. It's like a mixed signal I am getting. Do you think it is nervousness, age, condoms....what do you think?

i had a good day. My second date cancelled and then there was an incident with Mr. Astronaut. He removed me from his BBM friend list and I got a note. I was devastated. OMG, is this his way of cutting me off. I was sick..I called him and I sent a note to his friend to see if he deleted me. In the end, his phone crashed again and he lost all his friends. The feeling I felt truly upset me. That i felt so much for a man who could treat me so poorly. I realized that I need to separate myself from him. He is funny though. I told him I thought he dropped me as a friend and he said... ASS....lol... you need a part time job or a hobby...basically saying..you get so uptight and think too much. His humor is dry and always makes me smile. But I give and get little in return. In fact, I didn't even post the thing about my girlfriend and Mr. Astronaut. i will have to get to that.

sigh...I need to prioritize, he is right. My priorities have been slipping. I need to focus on the house and children and work. Sadly, my sleeping has been so bad and I am having a hard time concentrating. I am overwhelmed in all those areas so I strive for an escape....nothing feels like that aura when you are about to cum.

Sweeet dreams dear friends!!! xoxoxo

Horny and I Can't Land A Man

So there is a pool of frogs and I can't get laid. Mr. Security, I don't know what his deal is. We sat and talked for hours yesterday. I confessed to him that I was having other affairs, he was shocked. He also confessed that he was doing someone else right after me and before me. A double standard. I can't spend any more time with him. He's just going to be a friend if I can handle that. It's his eyes that draw me in and he knows it. I told him I was dating and he was acted like I was ruining my chances with him. Let's see, should I sit around and wait for him to finally knock on my door again? I don't think so.

I went on a date yesterday with a guy that was an example of what not to do on a date. He obviously didn't read the Ashley Madison helpful hints page. His wife is in Florida and he is up here. He is starting over. Now in today's economy, there are many men starting over. I offered to pay the bill (even half when it came because I felt bad). Half of the date he talked about how he is living with his mother, eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches five times a week and sits home all the time. Wow, I was feeling sorry for this man but while he was hot, he lost all appeal. there is nothing wrong with starting over, I did. There are certainly rough roads (and I am still on them) but I never sat at a date just going on and on about my woos.

why do people do that? It's one thing if someone is your friend. But if you are on a date, why sit there and use them as a therapist. I left there bummed. Nice guy but not for me. And then he texted me four times after the date yesterday. I told him "Don't think so much. Action. You are the fate of your own destiny". Now what do I do? I am so bad at telling people I am not interested. Any recommendations? I have to get better at this since it is part of dating. I want a way that doesn't sound cold and bitchy. I want a way that it is sincere just, hey, we aren't meant for eachother.