First thing this morning, Mr. Organized called me. I expected that there would be have been some major clues that left behind that caused his wife to be suspicious. A long blonde hair, lipstick on his shirt or on his underwear, perfume on his garments, unexplained time lapse, a found text message. Well it turns out that he had an extra shirt and underwear in the laundry. hmmmm...wtf?!?!?!?!? As bizarre as that sounds, no one would make it up. I mean...say she saw a text, say that she found something. It was his reaction or maybe the way he has been. His extra time on the phone, her feeling a distance from him. I guess the signs were all there. He is a little nervous nellie....but the finale was an extra shirt and underwear in the laundry.
They haven't had sex in over two years. It amazes me how a wife questions a man when the sex is nonexistent for so long. Hmmm...does the wife think the man is truly asexual? And, this man doesn't even masturbate. His white picket fence and his little stay at home wife.
Okay, we texted today and then it became clearer and clearer. He wasn't saying we have to text less, he was indirectly saying that it had to end. so I called him on it. His response by text.....I am truly sorry. You were so amazing, you gave me life again, I felt alive and couldn't wait for our meetings but I cannot jeopardize my marriage. She threatened she would kill me if she ever found out I was cheating. That she would take me for everything. Pretty bold for a woman who hasn't had sex with him in over two years. Of course, I am beginning to believe that is a little stretch of the truth.
so we are done. My emotions went crazy for his lack of respect but honestly I think he is just a wimp. He couldn't face me nor hear my voice. Men can be such wimps sometimes. So another one bites the dust. And I liked him. I enjoyed the sex so I am a little disappointed. I had hopes that we would grow. He made me feel so good. This affair had true potential.
Lucky for him, I am a woman who does not believe in revenge and I can control myself. Luckily that even though he didn't respect me enough to tell me in the right manner, I do not believe in getting back at someone. I never want to be the cause of a marriage ending. I never want a wife to leave because of me. That's not my style. but I have to say, this man was stupid. I know where he lives, I know his name, I know his work telephone, his cell phone.
Lessons of Cheating--you never scorn your lover. You never make them angry and you always leave on a good note. There is no reason not to. Show your lover some respect.
So I am more upset on how he handled it and probably that he was the one to say goodby especially when things were going so well. He admits it, he did not see this coming but is scared to death. I will survive as I always do. Just not running to get another man into my life. I am really getting tired of men. I am looking at the men in my life and quite frankly except for Mr. Porsche, there is not one that I want to save. An opportunity to look within me again.
Why is this such a rollercoaster?1?
Monday, June 28, 2010
The Power Of Guilt and Guiltless Infidelity
Ironically I was sitting here thinking about Guilt. How some things can bring on tremendous guilt within and others, while you think you would feel guilty, you don't. I feel guilt for almost everything in my life. Guilt on not finishing work, guilt on raising kids, guilt on not making a meeting, guilt on being late to an event, guilty about not calling a family member, guilty about not going to the gym GUILT, GUILT, GUILT. I feel more guilt than anything else.
However, the one area that I know, according to the world around me, I should feel tremendous guilt is with my infidelity. However, I do not. I should feel guilt about the married men I sleep with and the men's wives-I am with their husbands...but I do not. the hours of being on Ashley Madison and in search of a married man--but I do not. So I had to do some soul searching. Why do I not feel guilty? For a woman who once thought that cheating was disgusting-why the total turn around?
Being Stuck and desperate and so lonely. I did it out of a desperate need to escape and the desire to feel a connection again. I was dead inside, I wanted to be dead at one point. It was the high of talking and flirting online that kept me alive. And then the connection, the desire, the want, the need.....THE HIGH! It's as if I separated my lives into two neat worlds...never the two shall meet. How could I feel guilt for something that actually was keeping me alive?
And then my life started to slowly fall into some kind of shape and then I met men that brought me joy that no one else has ever brought me. So I reached a new level. Would I have stopped if I didn't find that wild sexual satisfaction? I don't know. I guess I will never know. But I still had never felt guilt. I felt more guilt when there were two frogs in my life at the same time then my infidelity. In fact, if the frogs had asked if there were others, I would never had lied. They did not ask, I did not tell.
So how did the lines get so muddy? The realization that I have slept with another woman's husband does not feel that great but its something I have blocked out. Oh I know they are married but I justify it because they feel the same way that I do. That misery, that void that needs to be filled. That emptiness and loneliness that I know so well. that room mate existence that comes to be.
Yet, then there are those that are happy with their lives, happy with their wives but just unsatisfied sexually. I do not judge. Personally, I do not think I would jeopardize my life I loved if I knew getting caught would cost me all the happiness.
I guess it is a scale. the Judging scale....the heavier side wins. reality, my scale was all one sided so there wasn't a real scale there. I knew what I had to do..maybe that is why it is guiltless. I also never did anything that got someone caught so I felt I never tore apart anyones marriage.
You come to this way of life and you take chances. It's a gamble. I have few regrets. Oh now that I know the outcomes, I would have skipped some frogs without a doubt. But a lot of the last few years has been a stepping stone to where i am today. And each one had been a lesson learned. Some harder than others, most worth the encounters.
I heard from Mr. Prize the other day. He is returning to his hometown to be with his family and wanted some closure. we have not seen each other in a long time nor have we spoken but the thought of closure was so hard for me. to severe the ties? We cannot severe ties and wrap them up into a box of memories and throw them in the river. Each frog will be with me for a lifetime. Each encounter may flashback at any time, any day, for any reason. It is a part of who we are. and hearing from Mr. Prize made me smile and remember how he helped me grow and the strength and confidence he gave to me sexually and as a person. Wow, the memories came back...he helped me grow and gave phenomenal advice and direction in many aspects of my life both mentally and sexually.
The one thing that I do know. There is not a frog that i hold any venom towards. Oh there are some that I would hardly remember, there are some that I would say what the hell did I even see in them...but for the most part, they are positive memories. And like Mr. Prize, if they called tomorrow I would smile--they are friends, a part of my life, a connection of my past, a building block.
So..I do not believe in regrets. I still am amazed at my lack of guilt but I guess does it really matter? Until you are here...until you feel that void that can almost drive you to suicide--you shouldn't judge.
A very good friend of mine is in the process of getting a divorce. girl gone wild!! I am amazed at her sexual freedom that she has found. I am enjoying hearing about her escapades since they reminded me so much of when i first began this journey and even more...when I went my wildest. have a matured over the years? In some ways, I have. I no longer have that dreamy, rose colored approach. Although with Mr. Astronaut, I got caught up in it again. The reality of that scared me but I have it more in check.
so there was my rant and my rave on guiltless infidelity. If I could just move it to the rest of my life--I would probably be better off.
However, the one area that I know, according to the world around me, I should feel tremendous guilt is with my infidelity. However, I do not. I should feel guilt about the married men I sleep with and the men's wives-I am with their husbands...but I do not. the hours of being on Ashley Madison and in search of a married man--but I do not. So I had to do some soul searching. Why do I not feel guilty? For a woman who once thought that cheating was disgusting-why the total turn around?
Being Stuck and desperate and so lonely. I did it out of a desperate need to escape and the desire to feel a connection again. I was dead inside, I wanted to be dead at one point. It was the high of talking and flirting online that kept me alive. And then the connection, the desire, the want, the need.....THE HIGH! It's as if I separated my lives into two neat worlds...never the two shall meet. How could I feel guilt for something that actually was keeping me alive?
And then my life started to slowly fall into some kind of shape and then I met men that brought me joy that no one else has ever brought me. So I reached a new level. Would I have stopped if I didn't find that wild sexual satisfaction? I don't know. I guess I will never know. But I still had never felt guilt. I felt more guilt when there were two frogs in my life at the same time then my infidelity. In fact, if the frogs had asked if there were others, I would never had lied. They did not ask, I did not tell.
So how did the lines get so muddy? The realization that I have slept with another woman's husband does not feel that great but its something I have blocked out. Oh I know they are married but I justify it because they feel the same way that I do. That misery, that void that needs to be filled. That emptiness and loneliness that I know so well. that room mate existence that comes to be.
Yet, then there are those that are happy with their lives, happy with their wives but just unsatisfied sexually. I do not judge. Personally, I do not think I would jeopardize my life I loved if I knew getting caught would cost me all the happiness.
I guess it is a scale. the Judging scale....the heavier side wins. reality, my scale was all one sided so there wasn't a real scale there. I knew what I had to do..maybe that is why it is guiltless. I also never did anything that got someone caught so I felt I never tore apart anyones marriage.
You come to this way of life and you take chances. It's a gamble. I have few regrets. Oh now that I know the outcomes, I would have skipped some frogs without a doubt. But a lot of the last few years has been a stepping stone to where i am today. And each one had been a lesson learned. Some harder than others, most worth the encounters.
I heard from Mr. Prize the other day. He is returning to his hometown to be with his family and wanted some closure. we have not seen each other in a long time nor have we spoken but the thought of closure was so hard for me. to severe the ties? We cannot severe ties and wrap them up into a box of memories and throw them in the river. Each frog will be with me for a lifetime. Each encounter may flashback at any time, any day, for any reason. It is a part of who we are. and hearing from Mr. Prize made me smile and remember how he helped me grow and the strength and confidence he gave to me sexually and as a person. Wow, the memories came back...he helped me grow and gave phenomenal advice and direction in many aspects of my life both mentally and sexually.
The one thing that I do know. There is not a frog that i hold any venom towards. Oh there are some that I would hardly remember, there are some that I would say what the hell did I even see in them...but for the most part, they are positive memories. And like Mr. Prize, if they called tomorrow I would smile--they are friends, a part of my life, a connection of my past, a building block.
So..I do not believe in regrets. I still am amazed at my lack of guilt but I guess does it really matter? Until you are here...until you feel that void that can almost drive you to suicide--you shouldn't judge.
A very good friend of mine is in the process of getting a divorce. girl gone wild!! I am amazed at her sexual freedom that she has found. I am enjoying hearing about her escapades since they reminded me so much of when i first began this journey and even more...when I went my wildest. have a matured over the years? In some ways, I have. I no longer have that dreamy, rose colored approach. Although with Mr. Astronaut, I got caught up in it again. The reality of that scared me but I have it more in check.
so there was my rant and my rave on guiltless infidelity. If I could just move it to the rest of my life--I would probably be better off.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
A Break From Men
I took a break from men this weekend and it felt good actually. So good, that I am thinking of giving myself a little extension of the break. Not work so hard to meet a man even if I have a babysitter. Take it easy and relax. Of course, that was after two afternoon rendezvous' and a bad date on Thursday night. This guy was a pompous moron..an air of superiority. I hate that. I always feel compelled to knock those men down.
On Friday, I had a really hard day. I was feeling like a failure as a mom. Nothing feels worse than that. Mr. Porsche called and we chatted but you know how he knows something is not right. He asked what was wrong and I said I don't want to talk about it because I will cry. Well, saying that to Mr. Porsche is not the right one. What is wrong? Why are you so upset? He wasn't letting it go. I began to tell him the situation with my kid and he stopped me. And he went off. are you kidding me? OMG! There is no woman who gives more of herself. You might as well been a single mom for their whole life. You do everything..and he went on and on giving examples on how I have given them the best possible life I could. he brought back things I forgot about. He reminded me how far I have come. He reminded me of all I do, what I stand for, what my goals are for them.....to be the best they can be. To be responsible, caring, loving and build an internal foundation to face the challenges in life.
Yes I felt better as the tears flowed but I began to remember all I have done good instead of how I felt that I failed. And then I realized how upset he got that I was going to cry. I rarely say that and I guess my tone he knew it was serious. And then I realized, how much he cared. How worried he was when I said that. How his voice escaladed and how he came in to lift my spirits. He's a good man. he's a great friend. He gives me strength, he has my back, he understands me. So many men have been selfish just taking and taking from me throughout life. so many men have gone the It's all about me and my needs route. He goes that route too...lol but at the end of the day, it's a two way street. It's rare in life you can find someone who you know you can count on. I can count on him. Am I in love with him? I do love him but I am realistic and know the reality. I am fine with that. Thankfully in my life I have been able to keep the reality of a married man in check with every affair.
As for Mr. Organized, there is a major issue which he will tell me tomorrow. He may be gone...his wife is suspicious, something about the laundry. Yikes...its not funny but I thought in the back of my head how both Mr. Porsche and MM were hitlers when it came to perfume, lipstick, smelling oils....I mean...animals. And I know they are right. So where do I think it went wrong here? My guess would be lipstick on his shirt. I don't know why I think that. I will find out tomorrow.
they are dropping like flies...Mr. Astronaut is gone. I was devastated this past week. Every friend who knows of him has told me this is for the best (as I am sure you will agree). But I am hurting and relieved in a way as well...weird combination. I personally think the man is the devil. His pearcing dark eyes and I would be nervous if I didn't know that he was on the right side of the law. But he is gone..I will give you an update tomorrow so to close the book on him... I will survive, it hurts but I have felt worse--or am i just getting numb to the game?
On Friday, I had a really hard day. I was feeling like a failure as a mom. Nothing feels worse than that. Mr. Porsche called and we chatted but you know how he knows something is not right. He asked what was wrong and I said I don't want to talk about it because I will cry. Well, saying that to Mr. Porsche is not the right one. What is wrong? Why are you so upset? He wasn't letting it go. I began to tell him the situation with my kid and he stopped me. And he went off. are you kidding me? OMG! There is no woman who gives more of herself. You might as well been a single mom for their whole life. You do everything..and he went on and on giving examples on how I have given them the best possible life I could. he brought back things I forgot about. He reminded me how far I have come. He reminded me of all I do, what I stand for, what my goals are for them.....to be the best they can be. To be responsible, caring, loving and build an internal foundation to face the challenges in life.
Yes I felt better as the tears flowed but I began to remember all I have done good instead of how I felt that I failed. And then I realized how upset he got that I was going to cry. I rarely say that and I guess my tone he knew it was serious. And then I realized, how much he cared. How worried he was when I said that. How his voice escaladed and how he came in to lift my spirits. He's a good man. he's a great friend. He gives me strength, he has my back, he understands me. So many men have been selfish just taking and taking from me throughout life. so many men have gone the It's all about me and my needs route. He goes that route too...lol but at the end of the day, it's a two way street. It's rare in life you can find someone who you know you can count on. I can count on him. Am I in love with him? I do love him but I am realistic and know the reality. I am fine with that. Thankfully in my life I have been able to keep the reality of a married man in check with every affair.
As for Mr. Organized, there is a major issue which he will tell me tomorrow. He may be gone...his wife is suspicious, something about the laundry. Yikes...its not funny but I thought in the back of my head how both Mr. Porsche and MM were hitlers when it came to perfume, lipstick, smelling oils....I mean...animals. And I know they are right. So where do I think it went wrong here? My guess would be lipstick on his shirt. I don't know why I think that. I will find out tomorrow.
they are dropping like flies...Mr. Astronaut is gone. I was devastated this past week. Every friend who knows of him has told me this is for the best (as I am sure you will agree). But I am hurting and relieved in a way as well...weird combination. I personally think the man is the devil. His pearcing dark eyes and I would be nervous if I didn't know that he was on the right side of the law. But he is gone..I will give you an update tomorrow so to close the book on him... I will survive, it hurts but I have felt worse--or am i just getting numb to the game?
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
I introduced him to my special toys!
Today was a day totally opposite from yesterday....but there is one common thread that is truly upsetting to me. I need to know, do condoms cause a man's penis to go limp if he is not used to wearing them? Realistically here I haven't had a hard cock in quite a long time and I am beginning to think it is me. The cock gets hard, the rubber goes on and with a thrust or two.....shrinkage. Please tell me this is normal and does happen or I will never take my clothes off again!!
The day however was amazing. The men I have been busy with are basically all aggressive. Oh there have been gentleness and slow, intense sex but today....it was truly vanilla. Vanilla like I have rarely experienced before. Mr. Organized and I met at a hotel. He picked a beautiful one too. He kissed me so gentle when I walked in and told me that I looked gorgeous. That I am so sexy. The man is just filled with compliments and for a change that is soooo nice.
We gently kissed for awhile and he undressed me as I undressed him. He laid me gently on the bed and he kissed me working his way down gently to each of my nipples and then kissing his way down to my clit. This man knows how to give oral. For a good 1/2 hour he was giving me the most amazing oral with his tongue gently licking my clit and one finger gently inserted. And as he made my body respond with an aura I almost didn't want to cum. It felt so good, it felt like heaven. However, when his finger hit my gspot and his tongue licked my clit so gently.....I could see the fireworks and I grabbed his hair and said..OH MY GOD!!!! The rush came over me. WOW, now there was an amazing orgasm.
And now it was my turn to reciprocate....I gave him the same treatment. Had him lie on the bed and I slowly worked my way down from his lips to his throbbing cock....I licked and sucked and massaged his balls....he got all excited and within 10 minutes he came. We both lied in each others arms and then we cuddled and kissed. It was so nice spooned together. It felt just right.
I was surprised when he started up again and said he was ready for sex. his cock was hard but not super hard. He put the condom on and then he thrusted and went limp. Now he was so upset. You could see the stress on his face. I am so sorry he said. OMG, I was so content, I was totally good with the day. Let's eat apples...he just laughed and said you are so cute. But he was stressed. Feeding him organic apples, I told him why was he upset? Was it me? He swore it was just the realization that he was getting older. I felt horrible.
And we lied there a little longer. I swore to him I was fine and I totally was. Let me take you to lunch he said. Oh no...we were not ending like this after a fantastic experience. I looked at him and said NO. So then I got up and said...my, my let me see what I have in my magic bag here. And I pulled out my bullet. I have to admit I had a vibrator and scarves to tie him up but I think he would have died. I turned the vibrator on and began playing with it and like a little kid his eyes lit up. Have you ever played with toys? No, he said. Have you ever masturbated? Again he said no. He was a good catholic boy. aaah, I see. Would you like to watch me masturbate? Oh yes....and he had a huge smile. I admit it , I felt like the devil at that point. Sucking him in to the world of bad boy...but I was intrigued that he never played with toys. So I began to masturbate with it and he was intently watching.....I was close to another orgasm and I said to him now you help me.....and he pushed the bullet in and out and he was enjoying watching it. I ended up cumming and then I pulled him on top of me for a little 69....
we both dropped to the bed and we relaxed. But I wasn't done...I turned the bullet on his cock...and made him just lie there and feel the vibrations. Do you like it? Oh yes.....on your cock or your balls..both but more on my balls. And so I used the bullet back and forth and back and forth..This baby got some power...Its my good and Plenty that I had lost for awhile. His cock got fully erect but what was even more amazing was his face. His face lost all its stress lost all its presence and he looked so peaceful, he looked like a little boy....I kissed his nose and traced my fingers on his face. Oh he was relaxed and it looked great. His face looked totally different.
Ironically to my surprise he said the same about me. That watching my face as I was about to cum was the most amazing experience for him. that I looked like I was so relaxed and so balanced and happy.
Time for a shower but honestly, he was not the type to jump into the shower with. Well not yet at least. So baby, did you have fun today i asked him? OMG, you are unbelievable. You do not know how I have never experienced a day like this and he gave me the biggest kiss.
And then I sat there wondering....wow, I have come a long way. The past five years I have experienced so much sexually. I have two people to really thank for that. Introducing me and making me feel good about vibrators and positions and exploring. I truly began enjoying and learned how to give a good bj with Mystery Man. I mean reality is, he was the first man's cock that I really wanted to suck. That I found to be irresistible. Lucky me.
And as for the cock going limp, be honest is it me? I am beginning to get a complex here since it is both with Mr. Porsche and now Mr. Organized. It's like a mixed signal I am getting. Do you think it is nervousness, age, condoms....what do you think?
i had a good day. My second date cancelled and then there was an incident with Mr. Astronaut. He removed me from his BBM friend list and I got a note. I was devastated. OMG, is this his way of cutting me off. I was sick..I called him and I sent a note to his friend to see if he deleted me. In the end, his phone crashed again and he lost all his friends. The feeling I felt truly upset me. That i felt so much for a man who could treat me so poorly. I realized that I need to separate myself from him. He is funny though. I told him I thought he dropped me as a friend and he said... ASS....lol... you need a part time job or a hobby...basically saying..you get so uptight and think too much. His humor is dry and always makes me smile. But I give and get little in return. In fact, I didn't even post the thing about my girlfriend and Mr. Astronaut. i will have to get to that.
sigh...I need to prioritize, he is right. My priorities have been slipping. I need to focus on the house and children and work. Sadly, my sleeping has been so bad and I am having a hard time concentrating. I am overwhelmed in all those areas so I strive for an escape....nothing feels like that aura when you are about to cum.
Sweeet dreams dear friends!!! xoxoxo
The day however was amazing. The men I have been busy with are basically all aggressive. Oh there have been gentleness and slow, intense sex but today....it was truly vanilla. Vanilla like I have rarely experienced before. Mr. Organized and I met at a hotel. He picked a beautiful one too. He kissed me so gentle when I walked in and told me that I looked gorgeous. That I am so sexy. The man is just filled with compliments and for a change that is soooo nice.
We gently kissed for awhile and he undressed me as I undressed him. He laid me gently on the bed and he kissed me working his way down gently to each of my nipples and then kissing his way down to my clit. This man knows how to give oral. For a good 1/2 hour he was giving me the most amazing oral with his tongue gently licking my clit and one finger gently inserted. And as he made my body respond with an aura I almost didn't want to cum. It felt so good, it felt like heaven. However, when his finger hit my gspot and his tongue licked my clit so gently.....I could see the fireworks and I grabbed his hair and said..OH MY GOD!!!! The rush came over me. WOW, now there was an amazing orgasm.
And now it was my turn to reciprocate....I gave him the same treatment. Had him lie on the bed and I slowly worked my way down from his lips to his throbbing cock....I licked and sucked and massaged his balls....he got all excited and within 10 minutes he came. We both lied in each others arms and then we cuddled and kissed. It was so nice spooned together. It felt just right.
I was surprised when he started up again and said he was ready for sex. his cock was hard but not super hard. He put the condom on and then he thrusted and went limp. Now he was so upset. You could see the stress on his face. I am so sorry he said. OMG, I was so content, I was totally good with the day. Let's eat apples...he just laughed and said you are so cute. But he was stressed. Feeding him organic apples, I told him why was he upset? Was it me? He swore it was just the realization that he was getting older. I felt horrible.
And we lied there a little longer. I swore to him I was fine and I totally was. Let me take you to lunch he said. Oh no...we were not ending like this after a fantastic experience. I looked at him and said NO. So then I got up and said...my, my let me see what I have in my magic bag here. And I pulled out my bullet. I have to admit I had a vibrator and scarves to tie him up but I think he would have died. I turned the vibrator on and began playing with it and like a little kid his eyes lit up. Have you ever played with toys? No, he said. Have you ever masturbated? Again he said no. He was a good catholic boy. aaah, I see. Would you like to watch me masturbate? Oh yes....and he had a huge smile. I admit it , I felt like the devil at that point. Sucking him in to the world of bad boy...but I was intrigued that he never played with toys. So I began to masturbate with it and he was intently watching.....I was close to another orgasm and I said to him now you help me.....and he pushed the bullet in and out and he was enjoying watching it. I ended up cumming and then I pulled him on top of me for a little 69....
we both dropped to the bed and we relaxed. But I wasn't done...I turned the bullet on his cock...and made him just lie there and feel the vibrations. Do you like it? Oh yes.....on your cock or your balls..both but more on my balls. And so I used the bullet back and forth and back and forth..This baby got some power...Its my good and Plenty that I had lost for awhile. His cock got fully erect but what was even more amazing was his face. His face lost all its stress lost all its presence and he looked so peaceful, he looked like a little boy....I kissed his nose and traced my fingers on his face. Oh he was relaxed and it looked great. His face looked totally different.
Ironically to my surprise he said the same about me. That watching my face as I was about to cum was the most amazing experience for him. that I looked like I was so relaxed and so balanced and happy.
Time for a shower but honestly, he was not the type to jump into the shower with. Well not yet at least. So baby, did you have fun today i asked him? OMG, you are unbelievable. You do not know how I have never experienced a day like this and he gave me the biggest kiss.
And then I sat there wondering....wow, I have come a long way. The past five years I have experienced so much sexually. I have two people to really thank for that. Introducing me and making me feel good about vibrators and positions and exploring. I truly began enjoying and learned how to give a good bj with Mystery Man. I mean reality is, he was the first man's cock that I really wanted to suck. That I found to be irresistible. Lucky me.
And as for the cock going limp, be honest is it me? I am beginning to get a complex here since it is both with Mr. Porsche and now Mr. Organized. It's like a mixed signal I am getting. Do you think it is nervousness, age, condoms....what do you think?
i had a good day. My second date cancelled and then there was an incident with Mr. Astronaut. He removed me from his BBM friend list and I got a note. I was devastated. OMG, is this his way of cutting me off. I was sick..I called him and I sent a note to his friend to see if he deleted me. In the end, his phone crashed again and he lost all his friends. The feeling I felt truly upset me. That i felt so much for a man who could treat me so poorly. I realized that I need to separate myself from him. He is funny though. I told him I thought he dropped me as a friend and he said... ASS....lol... you need a part time job or a hobby...basically saying..you get so uptight and think too much. His humor is dry and always makes me smile. But I give and get little in return. In fact, I didn't even post the thing about my girlfriend and Mr. Astronaut. i will have to get to that.
sigh...I need to prioritize, he is right. My priorities have been slipping. I need to focus on the house and children and work. Sadly, my sleeping has been so bad and I am having a hard time concentrating. I am overwhelmed in all those areas so I strive for an escape....nothing feels like that aura when you are about to cum.
Sweeet dreams dear friends!!! xoxoxo
Monday, June 21, 2010
Takers versus Givers
We all play both side of the fence at times but I do believe that most people fall predominantly in one of those categories. And there are other traits like selfless and selfish, dominant and submissive, open and closed...etc. etc. Self serving is a good word I guess. A lot of them men I have on my list are self serving. Even Mr. Organized seems to fall in that category, even though he is a giver. Mr. Porsche is a mix leaning more towards him and well the rest--are totally self serving individuals.
I found this quote on someones site from Nicholas Spark and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
"You're going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions you should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter."
So I decided to really try to look at someones actions. Not only their actions but was my needs/desires a consideration as well in their decision making.
Today I had a very nice surprise, I got to see Mr. Porsche. He was in the area and he decided to surprise me. unfortunately, my time was limited. Things have changed with us. Not horrific, I think it is more that I have changed. I don't want to be stuck in a motel room every time, I would like to meet for lunch once in awhile but our time has been so limited lately. Our sex is unusual, in that it is more on the deviant level. His purpose is to make me cum (I can't complain). He also loves to get me to the point of pain versus ecstasy. Right at that threshold is definitely mind boggling, like I have said before it is like a game of pinball and the machine goes to tilt!!
So the sex? Its always deviant. He gets this devil look in his eye and I truly see the devil...lol He loves to chew on my nipples and we have sex with my legs in the air and as he thrusts he will have anal beads in my ass and a vibrator on my clit. He made me cum three times today and I can't even begin to tell you the amount of toys he has on the bed that we use. A toy for all purposes. Oh and he even has a vibrating ring on his cock....we are buzzing!! lol
I enjoy our time. we had a good day but there were a few incidences that made me think. He complained about my perfume (I know, it was cream that had a perfume). He feels the need lately to mention how he has no plans to get divorced, he told me to stop talking like a woman and start blowing him. And as we were joking around...well he was putting anal beads in me and he put them in my mouth as a lube. Excuse me sir, but with you and your prostate massager I have to use a whole bottle of lube. When it was his turn for the massager, I said...oh let me do the same...then he said, I will punch you in the face. Oh I was taken back. He quickly added with my knee but it came with a sense of anger that tears came to my eyes.Oh he would never hit me but for the first time he said it like he would.
And then I was quiet and concentrating on blowing him and using the prostate massager and I was just thinking. Thinking about our future, thinking about if I wanted to be here as much as I used to want to be here. And it wasn't anger on what he said, I was really soul searching. Oh this is still what I want, I do enjoy our time together but for the first time it hit me that we are not going to go on like this forever. And Mr. Porsche shocked me out of my thoughts when he said "You have such an intense look on your face right now." I smiled, he knows me so well. He can sense when I am distant or pre-occupied. He can tell from a hello whether my day was good or bad. I just smiled and did my magic. Yes, for a man who didn't think he was going to cum, I always manage to get him there. Finding his prostate has been amazing. Such a feeling sends him reeling out of control. He says his cock isn't even fully erect but I am able to make him cum and get that amazing aura. Its wild for him. Men, you should try it if you haven't.
But the funniest part of the day was that I set my alarm because the clock wasn't working. I had to be back at home and I couldn't be late so when that alarm went off I knew I had to fly. I was lying in his arms and then I started to massage his back and the alarm went off...."Oh, your time is up...gotta go!" And I jumped up and began to quickly dress. He laughed but it bothered him. He called me later and said the same thing...oh times up! well, well, well....that feeling he feels..that's it! That's the feeling I feel 99% of the time when he's running around. It felt good to turn the tables.
The sex itself...its deviant. My nipples are aching, my butt has a bite mark (his newest thing,like he wants to brand me) and my pussy is sore. So needless to say, my day with Mr. Organized, I am not as excited as I was last week. Truth is, I was suppose to see Mr. Astronaut tonight and he didn't even call so seeing Mr. Porsche was even better so it worked out. But I know I need to walk away from Mr. Astronaut.
I have a new date tomorrow night..I will let ya know how it goes.
Someone commented on my blog about the quantity of men. Oh, I get it, that is my point, the quantity is there but the quality is not. I am in search of a quality man but I have to kiss a lot of frogs to find that perfect prince charming and I am not settling.
Well off to bed...I have to rest my pussy for tomorrow. I hope I am horny, Mr. Organized has this romantic morning planned at a hotel and I am not into it.
Oh, the new look. I just decided to make a little change....did you think you weren't here?!!? lol I would love to take the time to really make the changes to my blog as I always wanted but there is never enough time. Its my baby!!
I found this quote on someones site from Nicholas Spark and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
"You're going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions you should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter."
So I decided to really try to look at someones actions. Not only their actions but was my needs/desires a consideration as well in their decision making.
Today I had a very nice surprise, I got to see Mr. Porsche. He was in the area and he decided to surprise me. unfortunately, my time was limited. Things have changed with us. Not horrific, I think it is more that I have changed. I don't want to be stuck in a motel room every time, I would like to meet for lunch once in awhile but our time has been so limited lately. Our sex is unusual, in that it is more on the deviant level. His purpose is to make me cum (I can't complain). He also loves to get me to the point of pain versus ecstasy. Right at that threshold is definitely mind boggling, like I have said before it is like a game of pinball and the machine goes to tilt!!
So the sex? Its always deviant. He gets this devil look in his eye and I truly see the devil...lol He loves to chew on my nipples and we have sex with my legs in the air and as he thrusts he will have anal beads in my ass and a vibrator on my clit. He made me cum three times today and I can't even begin to tell you the amount of toys he has on the bed that we use. A toy for all purposes. Oh and he even has a vibrating ring on his cock....we are buzzing!! lol
I enjoy our time. we had a good day but there were a few incidences that made me think. He complained about my perfume (I know, it was cream that had a perfume). He feels the need lately to mention how he has no plans to get divorced, he told me to stop talking like a woman and start blowing him. And as we were joking around...well he was putting anal beads in me and he put them in my mouth as a lube. Excuse me sir, but with you and your prostate massager I have to use a whole bottle of lube. When it was his turn for the massager, I said...oh let me do the same...then he said, I will punch you in the face. Oh I was taken back. He quickly added with my knee but it came with a sense of anger that tears came to my eyes.Oh he would never hit me but for the first time he said it like he would.
And then I was quiet and concentrating on blowing him and using the prostate massager and I was just thinking. Thinking about our future, thinking about if I wanted to be here as much as I used to want to be here. And it wasn't anger on what he said, I was really soul searching. Oh this is still what I want, I do enjoy our time together but for the first time it hit me that we are not going to go on like this forever. And Mr. Porsche shocked me out of my thoughts when he said "You have such an intense look on your face right now." I smiled, he knows me so well. He can sense when I am distant or pre-occupied. He can tell from a hello whether my day was good or bad. I just smiled and did my magic. Yes, for a man who didn't think he was going to cum, I always manage to get him there. Finding his prostate has been amazing. Such a feeling sends him reeling out of control. He says his cock isn't even fully erect but I am able to make him cum and get that amazing aura. Its wild for him. Men, you should try it if you haven't.
But the funniest part of the day was that I set my alarm because the clock wasn't working. I had to be back at home and I couldn't be late so when that alarm went off I knew I had to fly. I was lying in his arms and then I started to massage his back and the alarm went off...."Oh, your time is up...gotta go!" And I jumped up and began to quickly dress. He laughed but it bothered him. He called me later and said the same thing...oh times up! well, well, well....that feeling he feels..that's it! That's the feeling I feel 99% of the time when he's running around. It felt good to turn the tables.
The sex itself...its deviant. My nipples are aching, my butt has a bite mark (his newest thing,like he wants to brand me) and my pussy is sore. So needless to say, my day with Mr. Organized, I am not as excited as I was last week. Truth is, I was suppose to see Mr. Astronaut tonight and he didn't even call so seeing Mr. Porsche was even better so it worked out. But I know I need to walk away from Mr. Astronaut.
I have a new date tomorrow night..I will let ya know how it goes.
Someone commented on my blog about the quantity of men. Oh, I get it, that is my point, the quantity is there but the quality is not. I am in search of a quality man but I have to kiss a lot of frogs to find that perfect prince charming and I am not settling.
Well off to bed...I have to rest my pussy for tomorrow. I hope I am horny, Mr. Organized has this romantic morning planned at a hotel and I am not into it.
Oh, the new look. I just decided to make a little change....did you think you weren't here?!!? lol I would love to take the time to really make the changes to my blog as I always wanted but there is never enough time. Its my baby!!
Mr. Astronaut....Dangerous!
There is not one person I know who knows me through the blog or knows me through life that would say Mr. Astronaut is good for me. I get it. I know it. But he is oozing with sexuality, his dangerous job, his amazing skills in bed, his wit, his total package.....I seem to not be able to resist. MY body reacts to the thought of him. I admit it, my body and mind have not been this reeling since the great days with Mystery Man. I find my walls down, my common sense out the window and I am basically a dog in heat.
It's been awhile since I updated whats been going on with him so I will give it to you in one sitting.
He was coming over to my house that night with Mr. Porsche (where I left off)...I was on the road coming home and he was going to meet me there. To my surprise, my kid had a fight with his girlfriend and made a miraculous showing at home. As Mr. Astronaut is minutes away I text him change in plans....abort mission, we have to find a parking lot. yes, I was dying for him, just blocks away, we had to find a spot. I needed to wrap my lips around that luscious cock. I am directing him to this private area that I know of.....left,left, right....as I am racing to the location.
for some reason when he blinks his lights my entire body begins to drip. I run to his car and jump in. Gotta tell you, he looked smokin. I rarily see him dressed up and he was coming from some kind of dinner. WOW, I was so turned on. I grabbed his face and said I need your cock. I felt his pants and well obviously he was anticipating my desire because he was harder than a rock. I opened his pants and his shirt because I love those muscles and went down on him. Sucking his cock like I have never sucked a cock before.....or as if it were going to be my last cock. Deep, deep....faster, slirping, moaning..... oh fuck, was all I could hear him say. Yes, when I get worked up and am into a cock.....oh, I can give good head.
The deeper I was going, he grabbed my hair and pushed my head down harder...and then I came up to suck his face before I finished him off. "I want to fuck you so bad".....he takes his hands on slips it down my pants, I am soaked. OH WOW...this is intense....I am moaning and returned down to suck his cock. I can hear him shouting some insanities and pulling tight on my hair and then he came in my mouth....i got up and licked my lips. Oh baby, you have fucking skills!
And I laid in his arms for a few seconds talking. Yeah, Mr. no cuddle was okay with my nails making circles on his chest and us just talking. I knew he had to go. the nice thing, he talks a little more freely now. He knows I know he is divorced, he talks about picking up his kids, he's opening up a little.
Here's the thing. With others (exception of Mr. Porsche and MM), I am a little refrained when I am with them. But with Mr. Astronaut....I go wild and he loves it. Another one of the frogs, I hold back a little. They will think I am a total freak! lol But with Mr. Astronaut, the freakier the better.
After this, he had gone away for two weeks, underground again, but when he returned....he sent me a note. I was in heat, I needed him. Two weeks was way too long. during this time, I spoke to my girlfriend again, a long talk about watching me blow him. she agreed it would be fun. she wants to use a vibrator. Only one rule, we don't want to see each other naked. So we are going to get creative
It's been awhile since I updated whats been going on with him so I will give it to you in one sitting.
He was coming over to my house that night with Mr. Porsche (where I left off)...I was on the road coming home and he was going to meet me there. To my surprise, my kid had a fight with his girlfriend and made a miraculous showing at home. As Mr. Astronaut is minutes away I text him change in plans....abort mission, we have to find a parking lot. yes, I was dying for him, just blocks away, we had to find a spot. I needed to wrap my lips around that luscious cock. I am directing him to this private area that I know of.....left,left, right....as I am racing to the location.
for some reason when he blinks his lights my entire body begins to drip. I run to his car and jump in. Gotta tell you, he looked smokin. I rarily see him dressed up and he was coming from some kind of dinner. WOW, I was so turned on. I grabbed his face and said I need your cock. I felt his pants and well obviously he was anticipating my desire because he was harder than a rock. I opened his pants and his shirt because I love those muscles and went down on him. Sucking his cock like I have never sucked a cock before.....or as if it were going to be my last cock. Deep, deep....faster, slirping, moaning..... oh fuck, was all I could hear him say. Yes, when I get worked up and am into a cock.....oh, I can give good head.
The deeper I was going, he grabbed my hair and pushed my head down harder...and then I came up to suck his face before I finished him off. "I want to fuck you so bad".....he takes his hands on slips it down my pants, I am soaked. OH WOW...this is intense....I am moaning and returned down to suck his cock. I can hear him shouting some insanities and pulling tight on my hair and then he came in my mouth....i got up and licked my lips. Oh baby, you have fucking skills!
And I laid in his arms for a few seconds talking. Yeah, Mr. no cuddle was okay with my nails making circles on his chest and us just talking. I knew he had to go. the nice thing, he talks a little more freely now. He knows I know he is divorced, he talks about picking up his kids, he's opening up a little.
Here's the thing. With others (exception of Mr. Porsche and MM), I am a little refrained when I am with them. But with Mr. Astronaut....I go wild and he loves it. Another one of the frogs, I hold back a little. They will think I am a total freak! lol But with Mr. Astronaut, the freakier the better.
After this, he had gone away for two weeks, underground again, but when he returned....he sent me a note. I was in heat, I needed him. Two weeks was way too long. during this time, I spoke to my girlfriend again, a long talk about watching me blow him. she agreed it would be fun. she wants to use a vibrator. Only one rule, we don't want to see each other naked. So we are going to get creative
Friday, June 18, 2010
Dysfunctional Day
Mr. Astronaut's friend was suppose to meet me tonight. Got a baby sitter and everything for us to hang out. I asked him, are you babysitter worthy? He swore he wouldn't cancel. Well you knew where that was going. He called today and said...let's met this afternoon with Mr. Astronaut?! WTF?!?!?
A little backwards note there....Mr. Astronaut couldn't make it last night. He just came back into town and we were going to meet. He got held up. Oh, but today, he managed to get out. Well needless to say, this set me off in a total whirlwind. I felt my head explode. I was done with both of them. Sending texts to both like a wild woman. I was out of control. Basically telling them to both go fuck themselves. I was done. Still never got a reason or understood his friends direction.
Mr. astronaut had no idea where this was going. He was shocked...his friend begged him to meet for coffee and he thought it was okay with me. well. you can imagine, I was beside myself and well the venom came flying out of my mouth. I am the sweetest thing, will take so much walking on and then well....I lost it. However, Mr. Astronaut knows how to handle me. He has this way that is pretty good. Few men know how to handle me but he does. He explained himself and then throws in
Menopause or Menstrual? lol
I hate you (I texted back)
U wish u did (ohhhhh, he was so right, i do wish I did hate him)
Actually I wished your cock was small and you weren't so good in bed.
Eventually he turned the situation to his favor...teasing me about wanting a honeymoon. Teasing me about everything he knew would make me laugh.
And of course, I relaxed and agreed to meet him later. Yes, the time I was suppose to be meeting his friend (a little earlier) I was meeting him. As we were making our time to meet the messages stopped going through. we hadnt finalized our plans. WTF?!?
Now I was getting super annoyed, not understanding and then his friend sent me a text. Mr. Astronauts phone died. He is at the store getting it fixed. He said that he would call you to let you know where you are meeting tonight. OH DEAR LORD!! The man I was suppose to meet is now passing along a message to me from his friend on when I am going to meet him to fuck his brains out. My head is splitting. that was the weirdest text i ever got. So here I am waitng and if I go into the shower, we all know that he is going to call.
All my backup plans fell threw. Again, a babysitter and no place to go. I am very sad. I had one option from a metrosexual wo insists on meeting in his town only. when i told him I would have to let him know he said Ciao baby, you are a playa. wait, I am suppose to wait for you to call and not have plans? I texted back you are a very selfish man and actually I prefer someone whose feet are not softer than mine. He goes for pedicures, massages and manicures three tines a week.
I am definitely picking the wrong men. My GF just called me...she said that is an insane story and I need to get my shit together. she is right....I need to dump them all I think and start over!
A little backwards note there....Mr. Astronaut couldn't make it last night. He just came back into town and we were going to meet. He got held up. Oh, but today, he managed to get out. Well needless to say, this set me off in a total whirlwind. I felt my head explode. I was done with both of them. Sending texts to both like a wild woman. I was out of control. Basically telling them to both go fuck themselves. I was done. Still never got a reason or understood his friends direction.
Mr. astronaut had no idea where this was going. He was shocked...his friend begged him to meet for coffee and he thought it was okay with me. well. you can imagine, I was beside myself and well the venom came flying out of my mouth. I am the sweetest thing, will take so much walking on and then well....I lost it. However, Mr. Astronaut knows how to handle me. He has this way that is pretty good. Few men know how to handle me but he does. He explained himself and then throws in
Menopause or Menstrual? lol
I hate you (I texted back)
U wish u did (ohhhhh, he was so right, i do wish I did hate him)
Actually I wished your cock was small and you weren't so good in bed.
Eventually he turned the situation to his favor...teasing me about wanting a honeymoon. Teasing me about everything he knew would make me laugh.
And of course, I relaxed and agreed to meet him later. Yes, the time I was suppose to be meeting his friend (a little earlier) I was meeting him. As we were making our time to meet the messages stopped going through. we hadnt finalized our plans. WTF?!?
Now I was getting super annoyed, not understanding and then his friend sent me a text. Mr. Astronauts phone died. He is at the store getting it fixed. He said that he would call you to let you know where you are meeting tonight. OH DEAR LORD!! The man I was suppose to meet is now passing along a message to me from his friend on when I am going to meet him to fuck his brains out. My head is splitting. that was the weirdest text i ever got. So here I am waitng and if I go into the shower, we all know that he is going to call.
All my backup plans fell threw. Again, a babysitter and no place to go. I am very sad. I had one option from a metrosexual wo insists on meeting in his town only. when i told him I would have to let him know he said Ciao baby, you are a playa. wait, I am suppose to wait for you to call and not have plans? I texted back you are a very selfish man and actually I prefer someone whose feet are not softer than mine. He goes for pedicures, massages and manicures three tines a week.
I am definitely picking the wrong men. My GF just called me...she said that is an insane story and I need to get my shit together. she is right....I need to dump them all I think and start over!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Yes, I am Alive
Thank you all for your concern and your emails, messages and comments. I am alive and overwhelmed right now. Trying to juggle work, home, kids and a social life has turned out to be quite an adventure. Has that much changed? New frogs, old frogs but no one that has turned into my Married or Unmarried Prince Charming.
I have been working hard to find me. Quite frankly I am alone a lot these days and I do find myself wanting more company. It was different before, I couldn't (for obvious reasons) have someone over at my house. Now, i have to be honest, the oldest is off living his life and the youngest are in bed. So there are many nights that I am alone.
I also have found that when I have a baby sitter. I have no plans. BUT thanks to my GF I managed to figure out what the problem was. I am not accepting mediocre. It's not that these guys are mediocre but in my head I know they are not going to work out so I don't make plans with them in hopes that the Top Tier ask me out. so who is in the top tier these days? Well first we need to exclude the Married Men. Yes, I am still on Ashley Madison and browsing. I keep saying I am going to stay away from the married men but for some reason, they pull me back in. The bad boys that I need to stay away from. The bad boys that turn me on so.....
For all you Mr. Porsche fans (hehehe) he is still in the picture but his life has truly turned into chaos. I don't know what to do for him, I am actually helpless. A combination of horrible business problems and family issues has made him almost nonexistent in my life. We do talk everyday but I feel so helpless that I can't solve any of his problems. I try to be supportive and I don't give me any problems about not seeing me. Reality is I am scared he is going to turn to me and say that I am the dispensible one. And quite frankly, I want him and need him in my life, even as a friend, which is where we seem to be at this point. Although we did have an amazing encounter last time we met (I think I blogged it and left off at Mr. Astronaut which was hot!).
Mr. Security is floating around but not really in my life that much. We actually had one encounter in the supermarket which was hysterical...will have to bring you up to speed on that.
A new contender, Mr. Organized, I am in contact with daily. Again, married and met him on Ashley Madison. He is very nice. He is complimentary, he is cute, he is a little nerdy with OCD tendencies but he loves that I push him outside of the box. I have to say, he seems to adore me and its nice. I like that I like him but not falling all over him. He has a bad boy side but nothing compared to my bad boys! He is married but lives a life of simplicity and balance. Almost too perfect,, I imagine the white picket fence. This is a man who has an assignment and its done two days early so he's all organized and prepared. Also an early early bird. He calls so awake and chipper and then there is me--dragging my butt (although I am not cranky but it certainly takes me a few hours before I get going). He's been traveling a lot so while we have had three dates and one major encounter (which again I have to check if I wrote) which was really good. we are meeting again next week.
Mr. Astronaut, Mr. fireman and Mr. Astronaut's friend....don't know what to do with this group. Mr. Astronaut is missing in action. He literally went undercover in some drug lord area across the world and is unreachable for over 2 weeks. He has sent me one word here or there so I know he is alive but he is unable to communicate due to the sensitivity or having his cover blown. Feels like he has been gone forever and I worry about him. Made me realize that while he is hot, the chemistry is sizzling, I don't know if I could deal with a life with someone like that.
Mr. Fireman is still keeping me stringing on. We had a date for tomorrow night but he had to cancel because of a death. Well, I am tired of him and his changes of plans. His loss since we were going to go to dinner and a motel tomorrow night. But man, he is hot. I decided to stay away from him. Mr. Astronauts friend, I am meeting over the weekend. we have a date.
There is atruly a slew of men on the internet that I am communicating with. But yet i have none. It's absolutely amazing, my phone rings and rings and rings and my neighbor cannot keep track and quite frankly either can I. so my newest thing is to dump. yes if I haven't heard from them for two weeks or its just gotten to be a phone call here or there...I am throwing them back in to the pond. I don't have enough time to be a phone chatter, email chatter etc. etc.
So here is what I think I have missed telling you and will bring you up to date:
--Meeting with Mr. Astronaut
--Meeting with Mr. organized
--Not sure if I told you about last meeting with Mr. Porsche
--Plans for a somewhat threesome with Mr. Astronaut and my girlfriend
--The woman online who I thought was a plant (well not an actual vegetative plant but Mr. Astronaut puting her up to it)
--Meeting with Mr. Security in supermarket
--Pregnancy test
--date with mr comuter guy which was today
--Mr. metrosexual
Wow, i am behind. My state of mind? I am okay. I am tired and overworked but I am ok. the ex came by and quite frankly he was acting like such an ass. My neighbor said to me OMG was he always this verbally abusive I never noticed. YES...I realized that was it. No matter what I did he would find that little something to throw me back down and I actually threw him out the other day because when he comes into my house and into my life..I feel such negativity. I feel like crap and depressed. And I realized that when I am alone, while I may be lonely, I actually feel good.
well, well I think that is everything that has been going on! I will write some of the better moments first because some stuff was super funny and I think Mr, Organized needs to be mentioned because he is starting to play a major role. Its weird...I don't think I am anything that he has ever been with before and he is loving it. Loving the chaos! He says he gets a kick out me and my spark for life.
and as for home, having a hard time keeping up with it but I go on my spurts. Hired the lawn guy to cut my trees...I tried for two days and couldn't do it. Oh I did but then I had a mess. I gave up and I am happier. Trying to make a little paradise area like South Beach on my property minus the beach but a gazebo and plants and lots of romance....ooooooooo...so far it looks amazing. I am tired, I am drained. Work is over my head. But I am moving forward and overall ahving fun!
Tomorrow I will catch up!! Love ya all!!! And thanks for your concerns!! xoxoxoxoxo
I have been working hard to find me. Quite frankly I am alone a lot these days and I do find myself wanting more company. It was different before, I couldn't (for obvious reasons) have someone over at my house. Now, i have to be honest, the oldest is off living his life and the youngest are in bed. So there are many nights that I am alone.
I also have found that when I have a baby sitter. I have no plans. BUT thanks to my GF I managed to figure out what the problem was. I am not accepting mediocre. It's not that these guys are mediocre but in my head I know they are not going to work out so I don't make plans with them in hopes that the Top Tier ask me out. so who is in the top tier these days? Well first we need to exclude the Married Men. Yes, I am still on Ashley Madison and browsing. I keep saying I am going to stay away from the married men but for some reason, they pull me back in. The bad boys that I need to stay away from. The bad boys that turn me on so.....
For all you Mr. Porsche fans (hehehe) he is still in the picture but his life has truly turned into chaos. I don't know what to do for him, I am actually helpless. A combination of horrible business problems and family issues has made him almost nonexistent in my life. We do talk everyday but I feel so helpless that I can't solve any of his problems. I try to be supportive and I don't give me any problems about not seeing me. Reality is I am scared he is going to turn to me and say that I am the dispensible one. And quite frankly, I want him and need him in my life, even as a friend, which is where we seem to be at this point. Although we did have an amazing encounter last time we met (I think I blogged it and left off at Mr. Astronaut which was hot!).
Mr. Security is floating around but not really in my life that much. We actually had one encounter in the supermarket which was hysterical...will have to bring you up to speed on that.
A new contender, Mr. Organized, I am in contact with daily. Again, married and met him on Ashley Madison. He is very nice. He is complimentary, he is cute, he is a little nerdy with OCD tendencies but he loves that I push him outside of the box. I have to say, he seems to adore me and its nice. I like that I like him but not falling all over him. He has a bad boy side but nothing compared to my bad boys! He is married but lives a life of simplicity and balance. Almost too perfect,, I imagine the white picket fence. This is a man who has an assignment and its done two days early so he's all organized and prepared. Also an early early bird. He calls so awake and chipper and then there is me--dragging my butt (although I am not cranky but it certainly takes me a few hours before I get going). He's been traveling a lot so while we have had three dates and one major encounter (which again I have to check if I wrote) which was really good. we are meeting again next week.
Mr. Astronaut, Mr. fireman and Mr. Astronaut's friend....don't know what to do with this group. Mr. Astronaut is missing in action. He literally went undercover in some drug lord area across the world and is unreachable for over 2 weeks. He has sent me one word here or there so I know he is alive but he is unable to communicate due to the sensitivity or having his cover blown. Feels like he has been gone forever and I worry about him. Made me realize that while he is hot, the chemistry is sizzling, I don't know if I could deal with a life with someone like that.
Mr. Fireman is still keeping me stringing on. We had a date for tomorrow night but he had to cancel because of a death. Well, I am tired of him and his changes of plans. His loss since we were going to go to dinner and a motel tomorrow night. But man, he is hot. I decided to stay away from him. Mr. Astronauts friend, I am meeting over the weekend. we have a date.
There is atruly a slew of men on the internet that I am communicating with. But yet i have none. It's absolutely amazing, my phone rings and rings and rings and my neighbor cannot keep track and quite frankly either can I. so my newest thing is to dump. yes if I haven't heard from them for two weeks or its just gotten to be a phone call here or there...I am throwing them back in to the pond. I don't have enough time to be a phone chatter, email chatter etc. etc.
So here is what I think I have missed telling you and will bring you up to date:
--Meeting with Mr. Astronaut
--Meeting with Mr. organized
--Not sure if I told you about last meeting with Mr. Porsche
--Plans for a somewhat threesome with Mr. Astronaut and my girlfriend
--The woman online who I thought was a plant (well not an actual vegetative plant but Mr. Astronaut puting her up to it)
--Meeting with Mr. Security in supermarket
--Pregnancy test
--date with mr comuter guy which was today
--Mr. metrosexual
Wow, i am behind. My state of mind? I am okay. I am tired and overworked but I am ok. the ex came by and quite frankly he was acting like such an ass. My neighbor said to me OMG was he always this verbally abusive I never noticed. YES...I realized that was it. No matter what I did he would find that little something to throw me back down and I actually threw him out the other day because when he comes into my house and into my life..I feel such negativity. I feel like crap and depressed. And I realized that when I am alone, while I may be lonely, I actually feel good.
well, well I think that is everything that has been going on! I will write some of the better moments first because some stuff was super funny and I think Mr, Organized needs to be mentioned because he is starting to play a major role. Its weird...I don't think I am anything that he has ever been with before and he is loving it. Loving the chaos! He says he gets a kick out me and my spark for life.
and as for home, having a hard time keeping up with it but I go on my spurts. Hired the lawn guy to cut my trees...I tried for two days and couldn't do it. Oh I did but then I had a mess. I gave up and I am happier. Trying to make a little paradise area like South Beach on my property minus the beach but a gazebo and plants and lots of romance....ooooooooo...so far it looks amazing. I am tired, I am drained. Work is over my head. But I am moving forward and overall ahving fun!
Tomorrow I will catch up!! Love ya all!!! And thanks for your concerns!! xoxoxoxoxo
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