I Guess I Give A Great Blow Job!

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Special In One Person's Eyes

I have had this lingering headache for a week now and its taking its toll on my mood. Or of course, is my mood taking causing this headache? Its such a rollercoaster of ups and downs. My conclusion, I want to be wanted. I want to be someone special in someones life. I am not saying a wife, I am not saying any specific label. But what I want is to find someone who thinks about me, wants me, looks forward to being with me. Where I do take a priority seat and I am just not finding that. Tonight, a Friday night and I had 3 opportunities....all which ended up falling short. Divorce Attorney was my fault. Mr. Astronaut was going to stop by after work but after a 14 hour shift and rough day....he ended up going straight home. Cableman made plans with his other friend. So here I am alone...Oh Mr. Porsche surprised me with a late night call which was nice. He had a package he had to give to me and was going to give it to his client today. Turned out his meeting was for Monday. I started to say so you have that meeting with your client on Monday...I was going to continue to say, so give it to your client then. BUT he proceeded to go into depth on the millions of things he had to do and how he wouldn't have time to spend with me....and feeling like I do now (and the fact that I wasn't even going there) well I got upset. I just said to him..funny, I wasn't going there but thanks for making me feel so special.

It's not one...its all actually. Each one of them making me feel like second best. Each one not making me feel like they want me. Am I unworthy of being #1? I am beginning to wonder.

Mr. Astronaut introduced me to his friend. we've been talking on the phone. the introduction is obviously leaning towards a threesome. The guy is really nice, he's really cute BUT after tonight, I don't think I am going to take that path. I really was going to do it. But I feel like I am going to wait until it feels 100% right. It could be fun but I don't think thats what I want right now. Going to take a bath things always seem a little better after a relaxing bath. I did go shopping and bought some sexy tops and some lounging outfits to hang around the house. Sexy yet classy. I mean you can't hang in your own house in fishnet stockings...lol

Okay, heading to the bath. You know sitting here thinking about it.....I always felt used by my husband. In a dysfunctional way, he loved me but he was such a taker, i always felt like he sucked the life out of me. My son does the same thing. And all the men (to be fair not Mr. Porsche, he sometimes gives) but the rest were also concerned more for their own well being. Mine was almost not even existent. How amazing it would feel to find someone who put me up there as special. Someone who cared about my feelings, my desires, my needs.

For the first time in my life I admitted to Mr porsche that I was lonely. He had once told me that maybe it was better to have the EX around. But that is not what I meant...I never have regretted the divorce. I live now in peace. I have no anger eating me up day after day. But what I do have is an emptiness inside. A void that is being filled by various men at various times. There is no consistency here. Ugh! A good cry, a hot tub...I already masturbated today twice. I have this new dolphin vibrator....very cool. Definitely reaches those spots. I took a pix and sent it to Mr. Astronaut. He knows how wet I get....he wrote back...Swim Dolphin Swim....hilarious....

The Fireman Lights My Fire.....

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The Fireman Lights My Fire

I have posts sitting in my draft. On Monday, I had been in a huge depression, didn't get out of bed. I was getting scared. Yesterday better, but still feeling this intense loneliness. Had a huge fight with Mr. Astronaut...its a sick thing, he wants me yet he is so emotionally withdrawn.

Well I will fill you in tomorrow. Today was a whirlwind of men...as if the flood gates opened and the frogs all surfaced. However, I had a date tonight with The Fireman. It was smokin...we are talking that man does things to me. I really like him because he sexually turns me on and the man keeps me laughing hysterical throughout the entire date. Never a lull, we just laugh and laugh. Honestly, I a, exhausted right now, a little tipsy and gotta get up in the morning. Tonight was great. Great food, great conversation, hysterical laughs, amazing chemistry and a lot of play a the end....I feel good right now. More sexually hot details tomorrow...sweet dreams!!

Double Standard--I know!!!!

Mr. Porsche is away on a business trip. This is one of those real boys club trips where he bonds with clients. Here's the thing...Mr. Porsche is always the party man, the one that gets the party going. I haven't heard from him since Tuesday which is a really long time for us and quite frankly I wasn't going to call. Today I was besides myself but I stuck to my guns. At 8PM tonight the phone rang and it was him.

We spoke some business because I did send some business emails. I decided not to be bitchy and say why didn't you call me, I let it go. So how was your trip. He started to tell me about meeting his old secretary out the first night. the true morale of the story was that he felt like a kid because that night he visited his parents and he didn't get in until 2AM and they waited up for him. I honestly don't think he realized what he was saying to me. They went out for a drink but had such a good time they closed the place and then she asked him back to her house. I didn't give him a second to continue..You fucked her?!?! No, I wouldn't tell you this story if I fucked her. OKAY....you don't go back to a girl's apartment and nothing happens like that. Expecially when this is the secretary that he had to let go because she was a total moron and originally she was hired for a great tits and ass and he couldn't overlook anymore that she couldn't work.

then we discussed the strip joints that he went to. that was a business thing and he has to be the partyman. Yes, he paid for all their lap dances. Honestly, he's not into lap dances, they bore him. Says it kills him to pay a girl to pretend she's into him and give him an expensive woody. But I gotta think he got one just to be the big partyman...besides for paying for all the others, he must have had a few himself.

So my head is splitting me. I keep telling myself I can't go there with him. I can't because if he just once asks me if I slept with someone else, well I am not going to lie. I am sick to my stomach that he fooled around with this other woman. I am not sick about the lap dances, thats such bullshit. But he went back to this woman's apartment. Why else would he have?

Now you are all wondering, how can this girl get crazy with her frog collection? Well, I probably have no right. I know I don't but has crazy as this sounds, I know how I feel for him. Its stupid, I am sitting here knowing its stupid but you know what, he shouldn't have told me. PERIOD. I didn't have to know he went back to her apartment. I didn't have to know that he wouldn't have told me that story (or so he says, he screwed up, I know him). Now I keep thinking so how many stories haven't you told me. If we were okay, if he had called me throughout his trip, I wouldn't be feeling like this. but reality is, we are not okay. The last three weeks have been more fighting than we have ever done.

I keep telling myself I have no right but it doesn't matter. I feel us slipping apart and it sucks or I am seeing a side of him I haven't seen...that distant side and I don't like it. I like when we were mentally connected when he wanted to talk to me all the time and see me every other week.

I guess even though there are frogs around, I know how I truly feel about these frogs. And now I am single!! Single and alone. I am going to soak in the tub. I need to get my shit together, this is bad. On another note, I made a date on Wednesday with the fireman. Remember him? The man who has a six pack and did push ups over me in the car. Oh he was hot and I decided it was time to bring him back into my life next week. I need some wild and crazy fun.

I have a feeling if I soak in the tub and think about this, I will feel a little better. I know its my insecurity. I wish I could learn to drop it. I hate that I am so damn insecure with men. Business, I am a baracuda, an excellent negotiator, an excellent professional....very confident. Socially--the opposite.

I wonder, do you think my submissive role in our relationship is causing this insecurity to be even worse? Wow, I think I just hit on part of it. I think that is it because my anxiety attack just went through the roof when I wrote that. Wow...this is really worse than I thought.

Mr. Cableman is a PITA

While I was with Mr. Porsche, Mr. Cableman knew it. So he called two times just to be annoying. It was pretty funny because I knew what he was doing. We are just good friends now. He had met a girl online that he has been seeing pretty regularly, the one he took to the hotel where Mystery Man and I used to frequent. He was telling me how hot the sex was...my reaction was...honestly, in that room you could probably have sex with a piece of dead wood and the ambience would make it good sex. He joked and said that my pix was in the lobby as a guiness book holder of visits to the hotel. I had to laugh. It certainly brought back some flashbacks. He was dying when I asked him about the neon lights and told him about the porno movies. He didm't have a mirror the first time on the ceiling, I told him to make sure he asks for a room that had one. the second time he was smart enough to ask for the mirror ceiling and he didn't use his real name this time. LOL I haven't been there in a very long time.

Last night, Mr. Cableman went to the movies with his GF. Of course, I had to return the favor and text him three times during the movie. He called me after and told me that I am way too funny and he couldn't stop laughing. I am sure the GF is not crazy about me. Oh, there was an incident when TWICE, he called her Cheri. She finally asked who I was....yikes. I told him as long as he doesn't scream my name during sex, he should be okay! We are just buddies and it is going to stay that way I think. I enjoy him as a friend and flirting by phone and text. Certainly is a highlight of my day because he is funny.

I told him to cut the hole in the popcorn bucket like I did when MM and I went to the movies. But watch out for that salt, I heard it burns. LOL He was laughing, you didn't do that? I started laughing remembering the flashbacks.....oh yeah I did. With the same hotel guy? he asked me. Yeah...with that same guy. So he asked...why aren't you two together anymore, it sounds like you guys had the ultimate banging thing going on? Long story was all that I said. Nope, not going there with him or anyone. You are never going to tell me are you? All I said was..... what does it matter, we aren't together and you are right, I don't want to talk about him at all!

When I think about my past, I admit to three guys. Mr. Government, Mystery Man and Mr. Porsche. Honestly, that is it. The rest were fleeting events all jumbled into one grouping. DigEm also had an emotional friend connection but it wasn't a true affair. But honestly, that is it. Reality is, those were the ones that made a true impression on me and my life. Mr. Government, an obsession because he was my first but reality is...that's all he was, my first. I was so naive, I had no idea the sex wasn't that great. And well, you know the other two. Those two I can honestly say are rocking chair material. Yup, when I am old and grey and sitting on that rocker on my porch, if I have any mind, I will watch the grass grow and think about how they fucked me soooooo gooooooooooood.

At this point, there is no one on my plate. There were three guys I was talking with and I threw them all back. I am not going to start off with someone who is needy or totally lost in their life. In today's economy, many of the men that I knew and know are struggling with their work...and for them, I would be there 120%...but I have no patience for these guys who have been totally lost their whole lives. One guy last night was telling me how he worked on Wall Street, was into demolition, is now an electrician and is going to work at a ticket booth this summer...and he graduated college with a Finance degree. you do what you gotta do but this guy never stuck to any job in his life for more than 1 year. He also is 44 and still lives with his parents. He is cute but not for me.

I have to find me. People don't live as insane as I do. I am constantly spiraling, so much on my plate, so much to take care of, up all night with the kids, clients wanting more and more....I just feel like the life is being sucked out of me. What I would do for two caring hands to wrap themselves around me and just hold me tight to give me back that energy. Someone to take this heavy load off my shoulders and off my heart even if it were for ten minutes. So a few tears just fell, I need to get back on track.

The Deviant Side Of Mr. Porsche

Mr. Porsche and I are in a weird place right now. After our picnic disaster last week, he decided to make it up to me this week. We met at our regular hotel and he immediately gave me the biggest kiss.

Our ammunition of toys has grown where the bag is busting at the seams. He just bought me another vibrator that was huge, more vibrating eggs, a rocket...I swear its amazing that they don't think we are having an earthquake when we have sex because of all the vibrating going on.

He was playful yet there was this edge to him. Mr. Porsche can have a heart of gold but the world doesn't see that side of him. There is that deviant side and there is also a total hard ass which his employees see. He's not someone you want to cross because he is not forgiving. Yet, I do admit, I know how to squirm my way into that little place in his heart that is delicious. However, today I could tell he had that edge...oh he was sweet but the cuddly, holding side of him hasn't been around lately.

He had been on four business calls and I was getting annoyed. So when he finally laid down on the bed in the position that I usually will give him a massage...I felt this rebellious side of me come out. Yes, I can be a real PITA at times. I like to be annoying so I did something that I knew would set him off. I smacked his ass really, really hard. Oh it was worth the giggle attack I had until he looked at me with that face and I knew I was in trouble. Mr. Porsche is ridiculously strong. I mean there is no way I would ever win wrestling. Some guys will hold back so as not to hurt you..not Mr. Porsche...he is going to win. So he threw me over his knee and smacked me ten times so damn hard that I could feel it the entire rest of the day. Ouch! Ironically, we got into talking about an affair that he had where the girl had a cage and he would wrap the nipples clamps around the bar and then paddle her ass. I proceeded to mention that I have no intention of EVER going down a cage road.

I rarily questioned whether Mr. Porsche had been with other people. I asked him how many affairs he had and he said two. Today was not a day where he was letting me in, I could tell. Yeah the girl he just confessed and me. For some reason I know now there is a long line. He always claimed that he hasn't been with anyone else, that he hasn't had the time since we are together. He also never asks about me although lately he has been passing comments about the other men. Interesting now he thinks I am with others.

The sex was great....I love when he has toys coming at me at all angels. I cum like there is not tomorrow and when he fucks me from behind. Mmmmm...I love it. I love the thrusting and the one finger up my ass sends me over the edge. And of course his prostate toy...I wanted to really make him cum hard so it was fun working together until he told me thats the spot. Like a science project almost...he truly loves that prostate toy. So great sex and then I need my relaxing in his arms. It is never a problem but today, it seemed to be a problem.

I said lay here so I can cuddle into you. And then he started laying on top of me and kissing me really hard and tickling me. And then he started licking my neck and holding me down. And then he was totally being irritating and refused to cuddle with me. I was laughing because he was tickling me to death as he was holding me down and then we were wrestling because I was licking his neck which he hates or when I put my tongue in his ear but all I wanted to do was lie there. No words, just veg out. He was acting like such an ass AND he knew it. Leave me alone I just want to lie here...I really meant it. At this point, I just wanted to enjoy the way my body feels after an orgasm....so balanced, so floaty, so relaxed. And he was annoying me. But he kept going at it and while I was laughing I was getting pissed too. Go take your fucking shower! I said to him and he responded I guess I am not perfect. Ohhh....so this is what he was trying to do. Purposely annoy me because he was afraid of intimacy today. Aaaaah...well baby doll, I know exactly how to annoy you back. "mr. Porsche, I wuvvv you". Hehehehe. I can feel that got to him. And now he was tickling me even more.....and I got his ear and I said 'baby, I love you. I am going to send you love notes all night tonight because I love you so much". hehehehe.....Don't play like that. YES! I hit a nerve. and then he wrestled with me again.

Truth is, I do love him. I love him for who he is and how great he makes me feel (most of the time). And I may even be in love with him to a point. But I do not have the I wish you would leave your wife love. I have to say that I feel I am lucky that I have never felt that love for any frog. I can only see that love hurting really bad.

I left the hotel and he knew I was a little annoyed. It was a weird feeling because I had a great time but yet there was something poking at me. He's pushing me away yet keeping me near. It's a weird thing going on right now. I am very frustrated by it. the first month we were together, I lied in his arms in a restaurant parking lot and he kissed me. Now, I have the public plague. If he never did it before I can see, but this is a new thing for him.

So I am trying to figure it out. Is he pushing me away because he wants to make sure that I don't get too much closer to him OR is he pushing me away because he thinks I am dating and he is saving his own feelings thinking I am leaving one day? I would say it was me being too close but lately he keeps mentioning other men. There are times I think he might have been to my blog. I screwed up once and sent an email from my account at rendezvous radio. He mentioned getting the pix and I ignored it. Okay, if he finds the blog, I give up. Can't a girl have a diary online without lovers reading it...? LOL Actually if he found it, I would have known by now. He would have slipped a little. Although I have seen him in business deals and he is excellent and keeping things to himself until the time is exactly right to pounce. Whatever his reason, he succeeded in getting what he wanted. He pushed me away a little. He put my guard back up, I plan on keeping a little distance.

That's All You Do?!?!

About two weeks ago, I got a message from a guy who seemed interesting. We were in similiar fields and his profile seemed sad in a way. He had dedicated his life to his work. He rarily dated, traveled a lot and was just looking for some who wanted him not needed him. Cheri to the rescue. I sent him a note telling him a little bit about myself (he asked to know more). I told him what I did and how I was starting over and thrilled about it. That I had workaholic tendencies but I was trying to spend more time doing things that I like to do. I went on and on about the things in life that I liked. Then I asked him, so tell me about you?

And he writes back that he is a neurosurgeon who travels the world going to places like Haiti. That he teaches other neurosurgeons around the world and that he did some real impressive medical programs with NASA. He also mentioned that he had been awarded the top surgeon i the world award in his field.

Now....what the fuck do you say to that? I mean really. He either is totally filled with himself, he likes to intimidate, he has no personality or has dedicated his whole life to his work and that is totally who he is or its so nonchalant to him that he wrote all that. Honestly, I am not for him. He needs a young woman who is smart, no baggage, who can travel the world with him. Thinking what can I possibly say to this man....I was speechless and I was intimidated. So I went with the funny approach. Either he would find me adorably amusing or he had absolutely no sense of humor and I would have taken a nitch out of his inflated ego..

So that is all you've done?!? was my response (of course with some lol's after it). I continued to say how now I see why he dedicated his life because he obviously has a special gift. I also told him that he had left me speechless (and that is not an easy thing to do).

Well, he read my note and didn't answer back ...lol. Obviously there is no sense of humor there which I was expecting. Usually a man of such brilliance lacks interpersonal skills. Sadly, they are so filled with themselves, they are missing some of the basic personality traits. I make a living out of teaching such people how to be more of a people person...so of course I wasn't surprised. Kind of sad in a way...I mean people like that have so much going for them. But they usually end up being lonely and miss out on the fun things in life. So serious, perfectionists, almost a different species...oh well, at least I had a good giggle from it. I knew he wasn't for me but boy was I surprised on what he did.

So what I am looking for is a regular frog. I meet the extremes lately. Those that are so successful that they are dysfunctional and then those that are so lost in their life that they don't know what they want to be when they grow up and even worse, not even motivated to find out. So I am still just floundering...actually I threw back two frogs tonight, they weren't for me.

Finally Found Out.....

So I finally found out why my kid is so nuts. He has a girlfriend. He didn't tell me but a friend called me to tell me. yes, the neighborhood gossip. I waited for him to tell me and he still hasn't. I finally hinted that I knew something. Then he starts blurting out all this gossip on some of my friends kids and he was blown away that I knew it all. HA!!

yes, I am lucky enough that the neighborhood gossiper is my friend since I was 2 years old. We happened to both move to this neighborhood and she can tell you anything you want to know about anyone for three towns in each direction. Ten minutes with her and I know everyones dirty little secrets. Now of course, there is one thing, I am extremely selective on what I tell her. Let's just say, she does not know about my blog, my secret life, any frogs, NOTHING! Actually when I got separated, I did tell her. It was the easiest way for the entire neighborhood to know and I wouldn't have to tell anyone. And it worked, I honestly had to tell no one after I told her and the word got out. See, it works in your favor sometimes!

So my son and I had a crazy conversation about reputations and then he started talking about my friends....THE MOMS. It seems the kids give the moms labels. The righteous person I am said to my son, I fly below the radar so I am sure that I do not have a label. Some of the moms are known as Psychos, Bipolar, Stripper Poles in their bedrooms, pill poppers, baseball moms, cool moms, the irritant, pta moms, buddy moms.... when I said I had no label my son started to laugh hysterical. WHAT?! I was hoping for cool mom title. Mom, your a MILF. WHAT?! Please, you had to hear my friends say that about you. They say it all the time when they come into the house. Now I am laughing hysterical. No wonder why they talk to my chest...lol So, I gotta say..I am glad to be labeled a MILF. Some of the frogs used to joke around and say that but come on....I didn't think the kids really gave moms that title.

Well at least the door was cracked open with my son a little. I know its a strange conversation but its a start and I plan on trying to discuss it in detail a little more. I don't want to be a grandma line was thrown in as he walked out of the room and I did say we need to have a condom conversation....Oh, and btw, my ex was here and I was so grossed out. He's a friggin child....he was grinning like what did you say? I told him...nothing. He's an idiot. I thought he might be on his level and my son could talk to him but my son doesn't want to discuss anything with him. Yes, I have a son with raging hormones. Ironically, we are both sneaking around. Okay, tonight is going to be the serious talk....oh, and btw, the girl is adorable.

What is Going On?

A group of six couples who hung out together from age 20. By 30, three of the couples got divorced. By 45, ALL the couples are now divorced. Unbelievable. One of my closest friends, the one who moved away a couple of years ago, they are getting divorced. The husband, my ex's best friend, was caught with a girls number. MY girlfriend wanted to go to counseling. She caught him at a local bar with the waitress and her husband told her she was fucked up and went home with the waitress. I am shocked. 20 years of marriage and that is how you end it? My GF is shocked. He just left his kids and moved on. Wow. We all know I have met a couple of men in my life and I have never heard of something so callous. Another friend, who was SOOOO happy, is also heading for separation.

So, within one week.....my GF served him papers, got a boob job and I got her on Ashley Madison and a few other sites. I mean the girl needs to feel gooood! And now, watch out. She has been dating everyday, she has been having a ball and loving life. Now I would like to point out this was one of my friends who actually turned her nose on when I began with the online dating. She told me that she would never. she called last night and she said "I need to apologize to you. Holy Shit! I have met amazing men, I am having fun talking to them, flirting, going out with them, browsing the websites..." and then I told her how she hasn't even gotten to the fun part yet. That first touch, that first kiss, that first orgasm. I am almost jealous. We had never discussed my affairs. Last night, I mentioned Mystery Man to her. She was cracking up with the Mystery Man because honestly that is what I call him to the few friends who know. I didn't go into detail but I did give her an overview of how amazing sex can be with a good chemistry connection. she wrote this morning...OMG, I can't wait to have wild sex and find my own Mystery Man.

I am mentally better, thank you for all who wrote and were concerned about me. I guess it is a rollercoaster and sometimes it is too much to bear. Today, I am trying to keep a positive attitude. I am telling myself Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will my life be in order.

I had a date over the weekend that was so much fun but I don't see a match. We went out drinking and dinner and had this crazy drink that was so potent. I had to wait to drive actually. We giggled, we laughed, we sucked face. His pants were exploding, I didn't even have to do the Cheri test. And it was fun, but he's not for me. Mr. Cableman said I am too picky but I thought about it. If someone isn't right for you and you keep them around, then you end up with a pond filled with frogs. You sleep with too many frogs and I am not into that. I don't want to be rotating 6 guys at once. I don't want a serious relationship but it would be nice to find a guy to hang with on a little on weekends.

A Little Better...

Yes, I am a drama queen at times. I had to laugh because I know when I am getting out of control. I can feel myself escalating. The last few days, I was worried about me. When I can barely get out of bed, when the tears just keep flowing, when that emptiness is just so sad. Today, I feel a little better. I hate when I feel like that.

Mr. Porsche and I talked, he apologized. But thinking about it today, I am going to apologize too. I was hurting, I needed a hug and I didn't get it. He could have given it to me in the car but it was wrong for me to expect affection in public even if it was so private. I am definitely going to apologize. You took the road "I am a shit. I am a guy". And I said to him..oh now you know I know better than that. I know how you are good to me and listen to me and comfort me and got me through 2 1/2 years of bullshit so go take your tough ass bullshit somewhere else. You have a good heart just don't want anyone to know it. He just laughed and said I care about you leper! (I claimed in my drama that I felt like I had leprosy).

Met with the couch guy to discuss business. A little flirting helped my soul. He took me to a romantic restaurant and we talked business. It's not going to go anywhere, innocent flirting...when you are talking about money, there is no room for sex unless of course if you are an escort. but with him, its going to be mainly business and heavy flirting.

An insane day today. Mr EX Boyfriend that I almost married re-appeared the last few days. We are talking note after note after note. Hence, someone told him I am divorced. I have not doubt the way the emails are coming that he now knows. I have chosen to ignore them. If you remember, he is a pedophile, accused of fondling his own daughters. How disgusting is that? And then my EX-husband sends me an email that he spent 2 hours dreaming of me and woke up with a raging hard on, too bad its not 1991 again. Well truthfully i had to read it and thought "he must have meant to send it to a girlfriend and he sent it to me". But then the 1991 made me think it was meant for me and I was repulsed....Ewwwww.... I forwarded it to Mr. Porsche. He called me...what the fuck was that? Well he obviously knew I didn't wake up with a raging hard on. Ironically, my ex never would use raging hard on to my face. Can you say fucked up day? Or as I am writing this, is it just a sign from up above showing me how totally dysfunctional my choice in men has been.

A Day Of Rejection

I have had this depression just floating around my head. It's not one particular thing but its a little of everything. I wish I could put my finger on it, because then I could address it. It's truly this underlying sadness and emptiness that scares me. Nothing is really bad BUT nothing is really good either. I hate feeling this sadness, I love to be happy.

Mr. Porsche met me today for lunch. We had some work to go over and I suggested a picnic lunch since it was such a beautiful day. I chose a park that no one I know would go to and I part of the park that was empty. I brought a blanket, he brought the lunch and as I sat down I leaned over to give him a little kiss on the cheek. He pulled back and adamantly said NO. Now, if you know me, you would know that any friend that I was close with, I would give a hello kiss. I wasn't actually going for a FULL blown kiss....I can't tell you how the rejection went through me. I had already been feeling so sad and this was like a knife. Fine, let's discuss work and well that was it for me.

The rest of the lunch, we spoke but I was still so hurt. When it was time to leave, we went into his car and sat in the back. He didn't want to kiss me but went to reach for my nipple. I don't think so was all I said. I gotta go. And I got out of the car. I stormed out of there. He called me later to apologize, said he was super paranoid and that it just bugged him out. So I am good to fuck in a motel..I totally get it. NO, he said. If we were out in a restaurant. Here's the thing, I get the married thing and I totally respect his situation and no matter what, I always will. But the place I found was so far off the beaten path that if someone found us there, they would suspect anyway. I mean you don't go hiding like that unless there is a reason to be so hidden. I wasn't looking for a makeout session, it was truly an innocent kiss on the cheek. We didn't talk tonight. We usually do. What timing for this to happen. But, I felt so rejected.

Tonight, I went out with Cableman for miniature golf. we were having a great time, we were joking about what we were going to bet. He's been talking about me giving hima friend with fringe benefits bj and I have been laughing it off. Well, joking I said...yeah, I know, you want that bj! I was joking!! And he jumped on it....no, we are friends, I don't want to get serious with me probably moving back etc. etc. I just looked at him stunned. I was kidding but here I was rejected again.

We went to dinner and he started telling me about this girl I knew he slept with. The one who he said he didn't want to be with because she was so recently separated because her husband cheated on her. He gave her the same speech. So this weekend, I have the weekend free and I asked him to go out one night. Truth is, we laugh, have fun and we are just friends. I am not attracted to him as more than that. Anyway, he said....she asked me out for thursday and friday. Aaah, okay. And then he said to me... Cheri, we need to find you someone to date. OMG!! He is pitying me!! OMG!! Baby doll, I asked you because I enjoy spending time with you and laughing not because I can't get a date. Watch....

So I went on my phone and texted at the table one of the guys that I was considering to go out with this weekend but wasn't sure I wanted to. But hey, I am so not a desperado. I asked him out for Saturday night and he responded within ten minutes...sounds great babe, can't wait. Mr. Cableman's mouth dropped. He couldn't believe in ten minutes it was a done deal.

We left and I got that same empty feeling from him tonight. We had a great time but I was annoyed. And now I have a date with a guy that I know is a waste of my time. Grrr....two dates and the depression is worse tonight. Maybe I should become a lesbian. I am really upset tonight about Mr. Porsche. Part of me wants to pull away right now. We are suppose to meet on Monday again. I am thinking about cancelling, then he is out of town, that will give us almost three weeks. I am considering to take the break. Going to sleep, tired of playing Yatzee on the computer. Tired of life. Having a hard time working. Gotta snap out of this and quickly...oh, and then I found out my ex looked up one of his pix he inherited. Its worth $50,000....what a way to end an evening...

so what is good for the goose isn't for the gander?!

I am amazed at the double standard men seem to think is okay. I should sit here and be totally dedicated to them but they can do whatever the fuck they want. Mr. Cableman has been juggling three women. All of which he claims to want to be just friends with, with possible fringe benefits on the side. He told me the other day that he slept with one of these woman, which is fine. I can't say anything. But since he is so open about it, he asked me and I told him that I had a date the other night (I admit I didn't tell him that it was the night that we were suppose to meet up...I made him believe it was the next night).

Anyway, he was annoyed today. Said it was no big deal but he was acting like a baby. Asked me if I slept with him and I changed the topic. When I talked about going out to dinner this week, he said no...you will have a date I am sure. He's acting like a baby. I thought he didn't care if I dated...encouraged it. Well he did until I went out and did something about it.

I don't get men. I am suppose to sit around and wait for them until they decide what they want? Amazing how they get annoyed when I am with someone else. Well I can't wait. I learned from the past that sitting around waiting for a man to decide if he wanted to return was pure torture and not whats best for me. Grrrrr.....men!

Today was a rough day for me. I am having problems with my kid. Its the age I think...17. He realizes that there isn't much I can do. He doesn't help me around here and quite frankly, today, I got scared. I had such a panic attack that I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I can't get a hold of my life sometimes. It's so overwhelming the things that I have to do. Can someone stop the world for me for one week so I can catch up?

They Always Come Back....well almost always..

Spring is in the air and with the nice weather it seems to bring back a lot of blasts from the past. Yes, the past week I have heard from so many old frogs and well tadpoles that didn't even make it to frog level actually. Most, didn't even make it to a status on my blog since it was minor conversations and most didn't even make it to a date. I would say about 5 of those came back this week. So what is in the air? Do you think it is the nice weather ramps up those hormones?

Yes, the fireman re-appeared to say hello, Mr. Security just dropped me a line and Facebook divorce attorney. Then came that guy who I met for lunch, we had a great time and then he disappeared for three weeks on business. I didn't hear from him when he returned and quite frankly..that was fine. Turned out, while he was away, he hooked back up with his ex (the one that he moved out of his house for but decided that he didn't want to be with her). Now to me this guy is a total red flag. He has this intense affair, leaves his family and when he was separated, didn't want to continue the affair with her. She is wild, threesomes, sex in crazy places, she would do anything for him. Now he has returned to his wife, decided that affair was toxic, would never leave his family for her BUT he sleeps with her again and now is concerned. This guy is crazy. I am keeping my distance, the man loves drama.

The most hysterical return was the guy who when I went out and whipped his cock out at the bar? do you remember him? the one that wanted me to see his uncircumsized dick and then I tied him up in his car? Hi How are you? I was thinking about you? Hmmmm...so what were you thinking?? Thinking that I never wanted to see you again? Thinking that you were a total ass? Whatever he was thinking I chose to ignore him.

Another guy, we chatted for a little bit. We never met but he had told me that he was seeing someone and wanted to see how that went. He contacted me and said he was out of that relationship and has been thinking about me....wanted to contact me for three weeks but didn't think I would want to hear from him. Honestly, i don't remember why we drifted. He's been caring this guilt around that he upset me or hurt me and wants to see me. Hmmmm..I didm't even remember why we stopped talking. I think I got caught up in the fireman.

And then there are those that call and IM for over a year. I dom't even answer them. We never had anything...our lips didn't touch and two I didm't meet. I don't know what they think but we had no connection....its time to move on.

So its been a weird week. I don't kmow where these men are coming from. I did hear from Mr. Prize. Now that was a welcomed hello. Always nice to touch base with someone you did care about from your past. The millionaire I slept with was also online and his wife left him..so we chatted a little. He sucked in bed so I am not resuming anything there.

So now when I look out my window and see my beautiful daffadils blooming, I am going to see a grouping of men's cocks. Its seems they bloom the same time of year...a garden of cocks to pick...mmmmm...now there is a delectable visual!!

An Unexpected Amazing Orgasm

So. So. So. It is 1:40AM and I am sitting here feeling totally fulfilled, balanced and goooood. Amazing what a good fuck can do for ya! Mr. Cableman and I are friends. Yes, I think it will float into a friend with benefits at some point but I honestly would not want to give up our friendship. Tonight I had the house pretty much to myself. Mr. Cableman was coming over to watch a movie but his allergies were acting up really bad so he cancelled. We chatted on the phone most of the day, we sent sexual emails a lot of the day...and he basically was pissed that his allergies were bothering him. I kind of was too. I was bored tonight. Going to watch a little tv and then go to bed. Played games on the computer.

I decided to go into the bath and while I was in there I texted Mr. Astronaut. In the tub, are you out? He texted back, I am finishing work. Cum over I said on your way home. I only have 15 minutes and remember no sex? Oh I know, its fine (oh sure! lol). So I jumped out of the tub into the shower, put on a hot lounging outfit with lace, high heels and lots of lipgloss...in 15 minutes, I was ready. Keep in mind, he refuses to give me sex until I agree to a threesome. He's been holding out and its been killing me because he has a great cock.

He walks in the door and like magnets our lips attach. It was getting so animalistic and hot that I thought I was going to blow him right there. I lead him up to my bed. We barely could see each other...but he followed me up and we ravagely began to undress each other.

Something about this guy. He is hot. He is muscular and a total turn on. He has a big cock with nice girth and I wanted that baby inside of me. Oh, we kissed, I sucked his cock, he sucked my nipples and he fingered me until I moaned and was dripping. I wanted that cock inside me though. After 45 minutes of doing everything except screwing, I decided to really push "don't you want to make your slut happy? How can you deny me your cock inside of me? Dont you want to fuck me? I just want to feel your cock inside of me...for a minute". After I sucked him to the point where he was about to explode, it had to be hard to resist me. And it was....just in me for three minutes and three thrusts. Okay, three thrusts. Aaaah, how much fun to negotiate sex. So I chose, two thrusts from behind and one thrust with my legs up in the air.

I rushed for the condom and he put it on....I laid down threw my legs in the air and he thrusted inside of me....as soon as he thrusted in, ohhhh it felt amazing. And obviously for him it felt amazing too because he forgot about the other two thrusts promised and that this was suppose to be only one. He began to fuck me with that hot body and super hard cock...how amazing it felt. Deeper and deeper, it was like heaven! He grabbed my hair and we were just thrusting together, he tightened his arms around me and I wrapped my legs around him and he went deeper and deeper....oh man, it felt so good. I want to cum in your mouth...... and so the from behind was forgotten, he banged me good and then we ripped off the condom and I sucked him dry. And for all you who remember, he was the one who was bugging about cuddling. And I am fine with that because I just make him stand and keep kissing me. So at the end, we were both on our knees, he looked at me and made a fist and we banged our knuckles together...it was actually adorable and we both laughed and smiled. "You fucked me, you fucked me"...and he just kissed me and said shut up.

I made no big deal that he had to leave. I actually got up and started dressing before him to prove a point. We kissed a little more, he came downstairs and looked at the construction that I had done. then I walked him to the door. "I can't believe I gave him. You wore me down, damn you are hot" and he left. All I did was text him, Yum......you fucked me...yeah!!!! It was gooooood.

So now I am sitting here and it felt like a dream. Talk about spontaneous, talk about hot...if I would do a threesome, he said he would fuck me everyday. Well, I don't know about the threesome yet but I certainly would enjoy this on a regular basis. Man, its been awhile since I had straight, raw sex. Okay, my lips are swollen from sucking him so much...its bedtime... Sweet WET DREAMS!!