Is It Real Or Make Believe

An unknown posted on one of my past posts that my blog seemed like a fairytale. I had re-read the post and tried to pull myself out of it and I guess--reading it might have seemed like a fantasy. In actuality, it was. How hot was it that Mr. Security showed up at my door that day? Of course, if it truly was fiction then we would have had the most wildest sex that would have left us exhausted and fulfilled. Sadly that hadn't been the case.....

So to answer this unknown person, my blog is true and my journal. It is my life and I guess I should feel blessed that I do have so much excitement and so much thrilling experiences. Ironically, when you are actually living it, it feels differently than it does when you read it. If there it was fiction, I would pull out all the sadness, despair and disappointment. I would leave out all the heartache and all the void and emptiness I have felt throughout the year.

My life has always been a rollercoaster. Extreme highs and extreme lows. In some aspects, I am extremely lucky. I have friends who know famous people and have had the opportunity to enjoy things that people dream of. At times, my life has been like an I Love Lucy episode with hysterical things happening to me that would make a phenomenal sitcom....but they are all real. Some of the stuff that has happened to me, is just so damn funny that I couldn't make it up. Like when I was giving Mystery Man a blow job and I hit my head on the sink coming up. Or when I bought that hot outfit at Fredericks of Hollywood and tried to be so sexy knowing they left the security tag on the back and I had a pair of underwear connected to me.

One day I am going to sit down and read back my blog. But until those wounds heal...the sad times of almost losing my house, the excitement of how I felt when I first met Mystery Man actually saddens me now and is hard to read.....and the helplessness I had felt at times...those real dark times are still hard to go back and read. but I have to say, I am sooooo glad that I took the time to write all my posts and I can actually see how I have transformed throughout the years.

So Unknown reader, good, bad or indifferent....this is my life...

Truly Alone....

There is nothing drastically different today than other days. But tonight, I am feeling truly alone. First time I think EVER. Mr. Porsche and I have been in a little bit of a bad place these past few days. He is going to be gone for most of february. Oh he is going out of his way to see me this week but reality smacked me in the head. I know, Valentine's day is so stupid. It's a holiday made up by Hallmark to sell lots of cards but I am going to be alone on Valentine's Day.

And quite frankly tonight I feel more alone then I have ever felt. I examined each of the men on my list and pretty much they are all gone or 1/2 there. Mr. Security and I were suppose to get together again today--and he once again booked appointments. Mr. Astronaut is undercover again. Mr. Fate, well because of the kids--I couldn't go out and there you go again, the men not understanding who are single. Basically, I think he's gone now. Mr. Perfect, who doesn't have phone manner is also gone.

I am basically alone right now. First time in my life I think. It's a funky feeling. The void is deep, very deep. Actually, I think its deeper because I don't feel like going online and dealing with more losers. So while I am alone, this is a real alone that I see no end to.

I am thinking to try to do some work this weekend. Try to get the house in order. Try to do all those things that need to get done. I probably need this time, its just so hard when its staring you in the face.

January and february have always been tough months for me. I seem to get really down during this time. It will pass. I will be okay. I guess its a good time to find me right now.

Do You Believe In Fate?

Life is so strange sometimes and the most bizarre things do happen. Four years ago, I had been going to places to have a party for my son. I went to one place where there was a live band and my girlfriend and I had an amazing time. I actually ended up having the party in that place. That night we had run into a group of cops and we hung with them. I am sure I blogged about it. Mr. Government had been texting me and this cop had looked over my shoulder and was reading my phone....hey, I giggled. Hey you are married, who are you sending those texts to? I laughed and said....I should stay away from government employees...its a guy who works in your line of work sort of. He made a comment....oh you need to stay away from men like us. I went to the bathroom and the guy was gone.

so that was the prelude to the story...

I was searching on Ashley Madison and another site when I came across this guy. when I clicked on his pix, I started to laugh. He was everything that I usually do not go for in looks (shaven bald) and he was in law enforcement. I started to laugh....I can pick out a law enforcement ageny for miles....I am drawn to them. Last night, that guy sent me a note asking if I would like to talk. I wrote back....I am not into bald men and I have sworn off any form of law enforcement. He wrote back some hysterical line like wow, now that's my luck a double whammy and then he told me his name anyway.

A light bulb went off in my head.... hey, here is a bizarre question...have you ever been to that bar. I think we met there one night? I thought this guy looked like that guy from that night. but really, what were the chances. He wrote back yes, I do and now I remember you. Oh please, its been four years, he is single, he flirts with millions of girls, he doesn't remember me and its probably not him... so I said...well if it is you and you do remember me...tell me something about that night..

He wrote back....the name of the band that was playing that night, exactly where we were standing, he remembered I was with another blonde, he remembered I was married, that I was texting Mr. Government and the color sweater I was wearing! HOLY SHIT! I didn't even remember all that.

You left without saying goodby...I said. He responded, I didn't think you were interested...you had a boyfriend, you were married and I wasn't going to make a fool out of myself and pursue you. Last night, we spoke online for two hours. And he is so funny. I gave him my number and told him to call or text me.... and he made some sly comment like...oh so some other guy in a bar can tell you to stay away from me like I told you about that guy. Then when I went to my phone he had text me.... Here's my number..to my old new friend.

And then I got caught in a whirlwind of my romantic fate beliefs. It always blows my mind that you may meet someone in your life for a brief, short second and then they re-appear so many years later. Like as if, there was a sign coming down from the stars to give you a little taste. I mean the first meeting should have been uneventful for both of us. I would not be able to pick out any of his friends that were there. I would not remember anybody I met at a bar in the past year. But somehow this guy stuck in my memory and I stuck in his. Life is so strange. things happen to us that make no sense and then later on, its as if the mystery is solved. So what is with this guy? What is he suppose to mean in my life? Everything has a purpose, its just hard to know what that may be sometimes.......
do you believe in fate?

A Weekend Romance With Mr. BBM

My Best friend asked me if I was blogging all of my dates. I actually haven't been. 1/2 of them are one dates and then its over, there is no sex involved, maybe a kiss or sometimes a handjob but nothing hot and wild. OMG, she said. These dates are hysterical, you have to blog them, your readers will love them. I don't think they will care that you aren't having sex with them...they will just enjoy these insane meetings. And so, I am going to try to start blogging them.

Mental note to self---Mr. Perfection, My hot day with Mr. Porsche, Mr. BBM, Mr. Fate

The truth is, I am juggling way to many newbies. I mean, I have guys on my yahoo IM that I have no idea who they are. And when I decide (like I did on Sunday) that I really should take sometime to myself....it seems a whole new pond of frogs show up at my lilypad!

I met Mr. BBM. Sadly, his picture was probably 15 years old. I was sooo disappointed but I liked him as a person so I decided to see where it would go. It went until Sunday! LOL He turned out to be exactly like my ex! Super charged, like a whirlwind. Our first date was nice, we had dinner, we laughed and we sucked face in the car. I touched his pants, he got so excited, he came all over the place. When I went home, I hesitated. I had no physical attraction to him. From a hot stud to a bent over old man. I think that more than anything is a total turnoff. He looks like one of those disney movies of the grinch or one of those mean guys.

well he called me about 20 times on Saturday and it was his birthday. Even though I was feeling sick, I decided to meet him later that night for coffee. He was eating in this restaurant with friends where the wait to get a reservation is 3 months. A super fancy, great place but he ended up leaving early because he wanted to be with me. My plan was to go to this local bagel store. He likes chocolate chip muffins and I wanted to put a candle in it. Grabbed my candle and ran out. I figured we would sit and talk and hopefully I would be into him. We had two fights already (one about me being online after we had met, he went crazy and another about me not being able to meet him the night before).

When I pulled up, he had already gotten the muffin, the coffee and wanted to sit in the car. Well, I know why...he was all over me. I have a hard time saying no, so I went with it. He took his cock out and said...Please spit on it.....spit on my cock. Hmmm..now I am not a prude and I have spit on cocks before but it has been while I was giving a blowjob. That wasn't happening. Finally, I spit on his cock.

After leaving, I decided it wasn't going to last. I had to think of something. I just wanted to be friends. Part of my reason for not being into him was also because of his selection of words. Ever other word out of his mouth was retard and dork. Well honestly, I have a thing with the word retard which I had said years ago if you have read my blog. So each time he said it, I would cringe.

On Sunday, he asked me to send him back his penis pictures that he had sent to me. He lost them in his phone. I had erased them. His penis is truly not one of the better ones I have encountered. Not really long, not really thick...kind of just there. And the pix was kind of like those balloons you blow up for kids parties to make the balloon animals (but a little one) where it curves up....let's just say, I wasn't impressed. But then I realized, why would he want them back unless that he was such a narcistic person or he wanted to send it to another girl. Either way, a weird request.

Finally, Monday morning I sent him a BBM. I think we are looking for different things, I don't see this working. He responded....I am saddened by this, deeply saddened...I really, really like you. Then he was online looking to see if I was online a couple of times last night.

So I truly feel bad but honestly, the man was so not for me in personality, looks or manners. NEXT Frog.....Saturday I actually had two dates. Mr. Perfection was lunch.....

Mr. BBM turns out to live less than two miles away from me. Same town and our kids know each other. His wife left him for an older multi-millionaire. He told me she had numerous affairs while they were married (note: probably not a good idea to mention my affairs!!) He also said something hiliarious-- I guess she hadn't gotten the memo that marriage meant no sex with others.

He's funny, a little overbearing, cocky yet nice. He's Type A all the way and has been overly into our phone conversations to the point that he didn't leave me alone all weekend. Granted, we had off and thankfully this morning I can see that it is much quieter. If we are attracted to each other there is huge benefits to that. Sex in the morning before work, being able to sneak out locally and see each other whenever we want and it has potential for fun. So....the problem I foresee is two things. First, he reminds me so much of my EX. Which is scary. He's in overdrive. He will need attention and will immediately want me off the site. He will be high maintenance. Like he wanted to meet this morning. I said no this evening. He wouldn't let it go. Finally I said...Baby, I don't do first meeting mornings...give it up. He backed off.

Problem 2--like my EX. He dates woman half his age. His last girlfriend was 22. What the hell is that about? Why do men do that? Honestly that is a big turnoff. Our kids are the same age...the girl he was dating more appropriate for our kids.

I turned him on to BBMing. I also told him how to use his camera. He has been snapping body parts and sending them. Fun....and when he snapped his cock....and then another of him cumming...now he feels vulnerable. Its driving him crazy. I am amused and enjoying his vulnerability. Oh....on Friday night, he was in his car and our conversation gave him a hard on. It was 20 questions..which the last 10 were heated. So I started to tell him how I find the man penis very desirable....I explained in detail how each head is shaped differently, sizes and girth....how differently each man's cock fits in your mouth. He was dying. It wasn't exactly phone sex but I knew what I was saying. Then when i told him I liked Anal....he is out of his mind. Today, he said to me....I don;t know what it is about you. Just our phone conversations are working me up, if you are half this way in real life, I am going to be a very happy man.

So...he's a character. He has some potential, I have to get over the EX thing, I had posted a new pix on my facebook and the EX wrote me a long note....at the end he wrote..you won't answer any of my emails, please write me. So I did.

"I don't know what we have to talk about. You cheated on me, lied to me and the finale was when my grandmother died, your family was at my house and you were out fucking another girl. We were getting engaged and you decided a girl from Nebraska that you fucked should come here and move in with you. So let's see? Do ya think we have anything left to talk about?"

He wrote: "I am sorry. I was an idiot 20 years ago. You made the better move by marrying your husband. He was a better man for you then I could have ever been. But I did love you very much and it took me two years to wake up, I was so sorry that I lost you but it was too late. You were honestly the best thing that ever happened to me, I was an idiot. And I want you to know, I never meant to hurt you. You were always an amazing girl."

And of course, I am thinking....what losers I have loved in my life. And as you can tell. I didn't tell him that I am divorced nor am I going to tell him. He also has on his facebook a picture of him and this young chick.

So men, why do you go for girls half your age that realistically I can't imagine what you can talk about with them?

It's Been Awhile

I want to blog and miss it so. It's just my life has not overwhelming lately. Doing all the construction when I am so busy with work, was a big mistake. Doing it all when the hubby was first gone, was also a big mistake. It just worked out that way. The good news is while I am tired, pulled my back out twice and overwhelmed by the dust--I am not angry. I would have been angry because I would have been doing it myself anyway.

So how am I? I am okay. I made the right decision to get divorced. I feel so much freer, I feel so much happier. Ironically, everyone says that my face looks even younger and less stressed. That I have a glow to me. That's the good. The bad, I feel very alone sometimes. Not that the ex was there for me....I felt alone then but now I am openly feeling alone. I sleep amazing because I don't fear getting molested in the night..lol...

I am trying to concentrate a little more on me as soon as the work slows down and the house is completed. I need to feel better about myself and I am not feeling that way. Oh, I have been dating. But it seems that with each date I have been getting more and more down. They are all the same--they come on like a steamroller....to the point of almost annoying. They push and push until they feel you are into them and then they back off. they don;t go away, just back off. Well for me, if a guy doesn't call for 10 days, he's gone.

This weekend, three guys had said to me--I will call you back in five minutes, later or at 7. None followed through and called last night. Am I being to hard? One guy we were making plans to meet and he said I will call you back in 5 minutes. He got annoyed that I was talking to my son for three seconds. He didn't call back...I am not seeing him this week..

Married men are much easier like that. I am beginning to think I need a married a man again for a little bit. Good sex, no worries, no bullshit. Way too much bullshit when you are divorced or single.

Mr. Security had to cancel plans this weekend. I was pissed because I was looking forward to it. I told him, the ball is in your court. I am not calling anymore. Lets see what happens. Mr. Porsche has been busy for the last month traveling for business and I miss him terribly. I feel like it has been months since we were together.

How ironic that I really haven't named any of these new men. Truthfully they aren't worth a frog name. Only one I will name Mr. BBM and I will tell you about him because I have a date tonight.

A New World

Life has been a little rough the past few weeks. I don't know if its that my workload is more this time of year, money is tight, clients are complaining, I had to rush my child to the emergency room yesterday, my house is under construction or I just don't get men. possibly its also this time of year. I think I get a little gloomy in February (hmmm is it still January?)

I think I am also missing blogging. Today I was just so sad. I found myself analyzing my life and beginning to think, I need to lay off of men for awhile. The obnoxious rich guy re-surfaced (they always come back)....and he sent an apology email for disappearing. his life seemed to explode at once with health issues and more.

So what am I looking for in this new life? I don't know. I want the old life back minus the husband. I want the old frogs, I am missing them terribly. Is it that I am comfortable with them, care about them? Hmmm...to lie in their arms again. It would be heaven.

So today...I got a great surprise that did brighten my day. DigEm came back into my life. some stupid site stole all my 700 email contacts and sent them all an email that I left them a message. Actually embarrassing considering how many frogs i wouldn't want to re-surface but DigEm got it and wanted to check that I was okay. We began talking by email and just seeing his email made my heart skip a beat. this was my soulmate who truly saved me years ago when I even had been considering to end my life. He was my support, he was my strength...he was actually right before Mr. Porsche and in between Mystery man. I never felt so close to someone in my life. Going back and forth today was so sweet...made the sadness a little more bareable.

Mr. Security is going through a vicious divorce. His exwife must be interrogating his daughter because the really pretty, nice, blonde lady with the high heeled black boots that shine was mentioned. Yikes! that was me! I had hung out with them one day and his wife obviously interrogated his daughter and she said how great I was. The wife screamed across the table that he is dating someone. the judge asked her how she knew and she admitted to interrogating her daughter, the judge screamed at her for such behavior. Mr. Security called me after and laughed. My daughter loves your boots and they worked in favor in court.

Mr Porsche...called me tonight. He has been going through a rough time too. I feel bad, he is so sad. But when he heard me, he knew I was bad. Knowing someone for years, I guess you can catch on to a tone. He said this is my scary tone. My giving up tone. I started to cry. Forget the damn dust, get your numbers together for work, finish up your shit and get your edge back. i told him I was really thinking about packing up and starting over. Moving someplace really warm. He said think about it then....Hey won't you miss me?!!? And his response....hey, I like warm too ya know. I smiled.

So another woman today may have felt some support, some caring, men are around me who care about me. So I need to snap out of this. When the house is complete and life settles down a little....I think I will be in much better shape. what do you think?

The Armed Guard

Yup! I went out with a banking analyst who is also an armed guard. Actually, I met him the first time before he was going to his armed guard job. Filled to the max with two guns and ammunition.....man, something about a guy with a gun, and two with blue eyes....irristable.

Date one, we went for some lunch. We spoke and everything was great. So? And he said, wow, you are everything you said in your profile and more. He was okay, not as good looking as his pix but he still had great eyes. His pix was from a few years ago,without a doubt. But he still was sexy. When lunch was over, I stood up and he was standing next to me. our lips touched...it was hot and I could hear him give a little moan. Great lips he said.

we walked around a store for a bit that was closing and when I stopped, his ammunition hit against his cock. Oh man, come on, don't do that. Innocently I turned around and said do what? I hit this thing...and I hit it again. Conveniently, it must have been sitting on his cock because he took a deep breath. Oh...what an opeming for me....let me see what this is...he was dying now and I opened up the ammunition..and smiled. Awwwww...you are such a great cock tease, its killing me!

He walked me to my car and then he kissed me. A long and passionate kiss, like two teenagers. I want to see you tomorrow...New Years Day. Can you come over? Hmmm...I can't sleep with you, its too soon (yes, trying a new approach here). I will try and behave he said. And so I decided it was okay.

I wrote about New Years already.....so I went over to his apartment, And I have to confess, I guess in some ways I am a little bit of a princess. He had given his wife everything in the divorce, he even seemed angry when he talked about it. The whole day he was saying how he wanted to help me change my locks, put up the pictures and make life easier (yeah I was getting sucked in even though he had a dump of an apartment). We went on the bed and just talked which of course lead to kissing, which lead to heavy petting which lead to me cumming so hard that the sheets were soaked. I was almost embarrassed...he had this technique with his hand that also hit my ass and went all the way to my gspot. i have to say, he was good. I didn't sleep with him but let's just say we both had happy endings.

His cock was bent...big but bent. Why does that happen to some men? It was fully erect but curved at the top almost like a left turn arrow traffic sign. Actually, the shape fit right down my throat. I didn't suck it long, I wasn't loving the cock but he was losing his mind when I sucked his cock. And as we both lyed there he said Man you have phenomenal oral motor skills...lol

We hung out, had lunch and then I left. I decided that I wasn't into him. He text once...I sent a quick text back and that was it. A week later, i haven't heard from him but that is okay. Except I wonder what I am doing wrong with men? I need to learn the singles rules. they are so different than the married but dating rules. I think when you are married and you first start dating its easier because you are just opening up. Here, I am used to lusting someone and going for it. I have to do the opposite, learn how to refrain from sexual contact. Which to me is ridiculous since i don't want marriage. I am beginning to think married men are truly what I need right now except I dom't want to fall in love.

So that was another frog....thrown back into the pond. concentrated a lot on me this week and it was actually refreshing and good for the soul. Having major construction done as well on the house. this is absolutely my final project, I can't take the mess!!!

So except for that technique he did with his hands which was quite impressive, I am glad he is gone!

Busy, Busy, Busy

Happy New Year Everyone!!


Oh it has been one busy time of year. Lots of craziness going on. Two days before new years I was fearing new years. The thought that I was alone was sad. No babysitter, no man....sitting alone when the ball dropped....however, I've done it before.


Actually, after the initial fear of it, as it approached and arrived, I looked at it with excitement. It was going to be a new start and a new beginning to my life. My girlfriend came over and we drank champagne and ate Baskin Robbins out of the container with the big pink spoons and little hot dogs in the buns...there would be no new year kiss, no man...but I would survive.

And the ball dropped......and we toasted....and I was so happy that my phone started going crazy with the texts and calls. Mr. Security, Mr. Astronaut, Mr. Fireman, Mr. Policeman, Mr. Divorce Attorney, Mr. Porsche and this new guy I met last week (who by the way is gone already!! lol) All sent texts to wish me a happy new year. As well as some newbies on line. Mr. Policeman sent a pix of him working..it was cute. So a smile came to my face. No one man but a bunch of men remembered me.

I have some stories to tell you....very funny ones BUT I actually have a date tonight for a drink...a new meeting. Someone has to tell me how to act with men. Single men come on strong and then get scared and seem to retreat. They return two-three weeks later, but I have moved on thinking they were gone. Weird! I need a lesson in being single. But I guess I am psyched to know I don't need a lesson in sucking cock....because another one LOVED my mouth!! I have to stop sucking cocks! This one I didn't even like that much....

Wish me luck. and to all my friends.....A Happy, Healthy and Prosperous New Year!!!! I feel this year is going to be GREAT!!!!!!! YEAH!!!