The husband pulled the guilt the other night. I got scared, I got nervous and I questioned if I could do it alone. It's financial...it's fear of being a shut in. If I lose a client, I am screwed? Am I getting cold feet? Am I allowing his guilt to overcome me?!?
Came home from work today and it was as if God sent me messages. My tax return was garnished because of something he didn't take care of, the electric bill sent me a notice that they were going to shut me off if I didn't pay and the certified letter from the courts that the parking ticket on the car he drives and is in my name has doubled because he hasn't paid them. Blames it on the fact that he spends money on the kid. I'm cutting you off, he says to him tonight.
I have asked him to get out....I threw his pillow and blanket downstairs to sleep. I was kind enough to set up a bed. He keeps coming up and sleeping in the bed. So my conclusion......
God sent me some messages.......Chickie, here's a little reminder on why you want his ass out. Yes, it can't be soon enough. Somehow I will survive. I said to my kid...here, this is why I am being tough on you!!! This is why!!! Because you are like him too much at times. No more darling....you are going to be a responsible adult.
And so, tomorrow, I go full force and get another appointment with the mediator.
On a side note, I helped a doctor friend of mine today. His girl went home early and he needed a replacement. And now I know why I don't want to have a desk job. I was bored to tears...I could never handle that. And quite frankly, he's a foot doctor. Ewwwwww.....I was grossed out by seeing those feet. Another I Love Lucy Moment....he said don't put too much of this in when you fill up the whirlpool. The woman said...are you going to put that in...I certainly am, one second...so I put a few drops....OMG!! The bubbles starting going everywhere, I was trying to take them out they started going all over the floor....I finally got it under control..."Mam, if you find the bubbles acting up again, please call me before I find you floating in the room filled with bubbles". I said it so seriously, the woman started laughing so hard she had to go to the bathroom. "Honey hold it in.....you gotta just try to hold it in".
Ironically, another doctor came in to have his ugly feet worked on. I was joking around with him. As he left, he offered me a job...said that I had an amazing personality and he wanted me in his office....LMAO...yeah, I was entertaining today for the patients...I used the label machine and labeled the most ridiculous things...my friend was dying, he said I turned his office in an upside down but he had a good time. Ironically, I originally met him on Ashley Madison!!!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
A Call From The Doctor....Oh NO!!
My theory in life is if a doctor calls you late at night, you've got trouble. I had called for the results of all my blood tests and he didn't call me back. You see, my theory is, if there is nothing wrong, they would jump on the phone and say it. If you get the late night call, they wanted to break the news to you!! And my heart fell. Okay, what is it? Terrible blood disorder, thyroid problem or......... a sexual disease... CRAP!!
I said to him...ok doc, what is it? what is wrong?! He started to laugh...relax, you are fine. Whew!! He knows me since his first day as a resident. I was the first internal he had ever done as a student. YUP!! Such a way to be remembered in life. First twat he felt from a professional standpoint! I am still cracking up from when he asked me if I was seeing anyone yet and he was actually inside of me doing the internal. We chat all the time so this wasn't a surprise.
Okay...truth is. I got a clean bill of health. No blood disorder, okay cholesterol, okay thyroid and a clean bill of health sexually. Truth is, I may have been with a few men but I am careful and I am (and hope to continue to be) a good screener. I can say there was one guy I shouldn't have had sex with (years ago) and then there was one guy I should have never blown.
Now BJ's I do worry about. Truth is you can get a sexually transmitted disease through a BJ. So that's scary. And that is what I need to evaluate. I ALWAYS use condoms. But I don't use condoms with oral sex. I find that like sucking on a balloon. But now i have been sooooo mellow these days that I have evolved into a monogomous relationship.....
I said to him...ok doc, what is it? what is wrong?! He started to laugh...relax, you are fine. Whew!! He knows me since his first day as a resident. I was the first internal he had ever done as a student. YUP!! Such a way to be remembered in life. First twat he felt from a professional standpoint! I am still cracking up from when he asked me if I was seeing anyone yet and he was actually inside of me doing the internal. We chat all the time so this wasn't a surprise.
Okay...truth is. I got a clean bill of health. No blood disorder, okay cholesterol, okay thyroid and a clean bill of health sexually. Truth is, I may have been with a few men but I am careful and I am (and hope to continue to be) a good screener. I can say there was one guy I shouldn't have had sex with (years ago) and then there was one guy I should have never blown.
Now BJ's I do worry about. Truth is you can get a sexually transmitted disease through a BJ. So that's scary. And that is what I need to evaluate. I ALWAYS use condoms. But I don't use condoms with oral sex. I find that like sucking on a balloon. But now i have been sooooo mellow these days that I have evolved into a monogomous relationship.....
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
The Rushed Sex
Today, after many cancellations, Mr. Porsche and I were meeting. I needed to be taken away...for a few hours. Well, gotta say I was soooooo disappointed. Both our phones were ringing like crazy. As soon as we got there and got into bed, my kid called up and said I needed to pick him up. WHAT?!?! When was he going to inform me?!!? I told him to call me when he was an hour away. Truth was, I was suppose to be at work. I had started early so I could get away early...
I wanted some ME time. Here is was again...a repeat. I try to get some damn ME time--2 damn hours and it wasn't happening. I was going to stay an hour. Frustrated but make the best of it. Truth way, Mr. P was a 1/2 hour late AND now his phone rang. He was on the phone for 10 minutes. At that point, I was getting out of the bed and getting dressed. Why bother?! I was not going to just sit and watch him on the phone. So I began to get up and get dressed. He realized I was at my limit and out of no where, as he hung up the phone...he leaped at me and threw me on the bed. And now started to kiss me and lick me and bite my nipples. Of course my nipples respond and I started to giggle. He started to talk to me in baby talk....ooooohhhhh you were leaving...and now he pinned me down. He's not a big guy but he is so damn strong.
He whipped out the vibrator and began playing with it and then he began to eat me out. He hasn't done that in awhile so my whole body responded. He bit and licked my clit and his tongue went inside of me .....ohhhhhh....I could hear myself moaning. And the juices were on overflow....oh my God, my famous last words and the world began to spin. My body began to shiver. I love being eaten out!! He flipped my legs in the air and then he stuck his cock deep inside of me........real deep. When he is hard, that baby is a hard rock....he's definitely taking something, I have no doubt! So I was like a orgasm machine today...I came and came and came! We did it from behind and then I came again. And now I laid on his chest.....Time goes so fast when we are having sex and enjoying each other.
And then my kid text and was actually there. He forgot to text me an hour away. All of a sudden, the tears came to my eyes and I started to cry. I had rolled away from Mr. P--but I felt like I waited for this so long and I even was hoping we could grab dinner. These days, we hardly have time to just talk even. And now this was it. I am so sad, I feel like crying (I didn't want to tell him I was crying). BUT, a tear fell on his arm that was lying under my head. And now I could feel him roll over and hold me tight and give me the comfort I so needed. I tried to hold my tears back but I was having a hard time. And then he started to Zing my nipples....tickling me and talking to me and making me giggle and giggle. "This lawn mower's pull won't start"...as he really pulled and pulled my nipples and he kissed my neck...He knows how to make me smile.
It was time to leave and we ran out quickly. I was sad. I wanted more time and his time is limited. I asked him to think about 3 hours for next weekk and dinner. I will try he said. And off we went. I got my kid and he we went to dinner. And I realized I forgot my computer in the room. I called Mr. P-- frantic that he had to call them. I couldn't call information with my kid there and now hopefully they found it and I had to go back. Mr. P took care of it all. Called them, had them put it aside for me and he asked me to leave a message so he knew that I got it. Awww.....saving the damsel in distress. He's soooo good to me!!
I am sad though. I hate when time flies like that. I want some time!! Sigh. It felt like it never happened!
I wanted some ME time. Here is was again...a repeat. I try to get some damn ME time--2 damn hours and it wasn't happening. I was going to stay an hour. Frustrated but make the best of it. Truth way, Mr. P was a 1/2 hour late AND now his phone rang. He was on the phone for 10 minutes. At that point, I was getting out of the bed and getting dressed. Why bother?! I was not going to just sit and watch him on the phone. So I began to get up and get dressed. He realized I was at my limit and out of no where, as he hung up the phone...he leaped at me and threw me on the bed. And now started to kiss me and lick me and bite my nipples. Of course my nipples respond and I started to giggle. He started to talk to me in baby talk....ooooohhhhh you were leaving...and now he pinned me down. He's not a big guy but he is so damn strong.
He whipped out the vibrator and began playing with it and then he began to eat me out. He hasn't done that in awhile so my whole body responded. He bit and licked my clit and his tongue went inside of me .....ohhhhhh....I could hear myself moaning. And the juices were on overflow....oh my God, my famous last words and the world began to spin. My body began to shiver. I love being eaten out!! He flipped my legs in the air and then he stuck his cock deep inside of me........real deep. When he is hard, that baby is a hard rock....he's definitely taking something, I have no doubt! So I was like a orgasm machine today...I came and came and came! We did it from behind and then I came again. And now I laid on his chest.....Time goes so fast when we are having sex and enjoying each other.
And then my kid text and was actually there. He forgot to text me an hour away. All of a sudden, the tears came to my eyes and I started to cry. I had rolled away from Mr. P--but I felt like I waited for this so long and I even was hoping we could grab dinner. These days, we hardly have time to just talk even. And now this was it. I am so sad, I feel like crying (I didn't want to tell him I was crying). BUT, a tear fell on his arm that was lying under my head. And now I could feel him roll over and hold me tight and give me the comfort I so needed. I tried to hold my tears back but I was having a hard time. And then he started to Zing my nipples....tickling me and talking to me and making me giggle and giggle. "This lawn mower's pull won't start"...as he really pulled and pulled my nipples and he kissed my neck...He knows how to make me smile.
It was time to leave and we ran out quickly. I was sad. I wanted more time and his time is limited. I asked him to think about 3 hours for next weekk and dinner. I will try he said. And off we went. I got my kid and he we went to dinner. And I realized I forgot my computer in the room. I called Mr. P-- frantic that he had to call them. I couldn't call information with my kid there and now hopefully they found it and I had to go back. Mr. P took care of it all. Called them, had them put it aside for me and he asked me to leave a message so he knew that I got it. Awww.....saving the damsel in distress. He's soooo good to me!!
I am sad though. I hate when time flies like that. I want some time!! Sigh. It felt like it never happened!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Reality Can Stink
The hubby is home and the truth is...he is the cause of my stomach issues. Now, I know he aggravates me at time but he did nothing and all of a sudden, my stomach was in knots again. He did nothing. And my stomach went nuts. A woman would has been pregnant would understand that feeling....when the baby starts to twist inside of you. It is spasms. how do I know it is the hubby? I was fine for the 5 days he was gone. No stomach problems, I just thought they were gone...now they are back ugh!!
He is trying the guilt approach right now and it is killing me. He knows it is going to kill me. He's reading a book....Being Alone Again after a divorce. And he is throwing in, 19 years of marriage you are just throwing away without counseling. How can you do it without even being upset? I won't tell him about my stomach. I have to move ahead. It sounds cold but I am almost out of the hole....I can't allow myself to lose my footing and fall back in. While he is reading that book, I am reading an amazing book..The Genious of Instinct. Basically says humans are meant to do more than just survive, we need to thrive. We need to be happy in our environment. It actually addresses this part of taking action. It says it is a combination of anger, disgust, fear and contempt that will help you make the move. I actually have it all and its the contempt that I need to work on. I am a mush.
He is trying the guilt approach right now and it is killing me. He knows it is going to kill me. He's reading a book....Being Alone Again after a divorce. And he is throwing in, 19 years of marriage you are just throwing away without counseling. How can you do it without even being upset? I won't tell him about my stomach. I have to move ahead. It sounds cold but I am almost out of the hole....I can't allow myself to lose my footing and fall back in. While he is reading that book, I am reading an amazing book..The Genious of Instinct. Basically says humans are meant to do more than just survive, we need to thrive. We need to be happy in our environment. It actually addresses this part of taking action. It says it is a combination of anger, disgust, fear and contempt that will help you make the move. I actually have it all and its the contempt that I need to work on. I am a mush.
Monday, July 27, 2009
VOID
So will I ever find contentment? today, I felt really good about myself and the day but as the day went on....the void was getting deeper and deeper. It's a horrible feeling to know that you are not content alone and that it is lonely. I guess the fact that I don't go to an office like most folks on a regular basis, kind of isolates me from the world even more. I will be happier divorced but I guess I will be lonely too. I need to start re-building my life.
I am probably the most alone I have been in years. Its okay, just really weird. Mr. Porsche and I had a little blowout today. The thing is that he's so quick on the dime to say, if our relationship isn't making you happy maybe we should...and I jumped in, are you saying we should end it? NO...he said. But you just said you weren't happy. I am not happy about the fact that you couldn't make it on Friday and I ended up doing work for you. We re-scheduled for today, I didn't call you and it is 4:00 and I had to call you to make sure you were alive. Yeah...I do not like to feel taken for granted. respect would have been to send me a note or to call me. He kept saying he was sorry, but I feel so taken for granted lately. Things calmed down and I said...okay so are we going to be able to re-schedule.....I have a really tight week but maybe....I just spoke to him for an hour and tried to point out that we have to plan a little ahead or it isn't happening.
I sent him a note tonight. Basically saying I am feeling taken for granted. That he used to make me feel special and showed he cared and i don't feel that anymore. That the ball is in his court, I can't anymore.
As I am writing this, a text came in from him.....he is going to move some appointments around and free up Wednesday...and he then said...it will be worth it to see you....
Okay, maybe we are making a little leadway here. Who knows.
Met a new guy on Ashley today. Not exactly my type in looks but he is suave and funny. So I will see where it goes. Also met another guy and quite frankly, his refusal to send a pix tells me that he is a dog. You won't be disappointed....famous last lines. I don't know one person who ever met with the old line, you won't be disappointed and they of course were disappointed!! I am not going to write him anymore. I need to see a picture to relate to someone. Ironically my friends friend, I still haven't seen a pix. But he is my BF's recommendation so I have allowed him to slide.
Off to bed. I am so tired these days. I started to work out a little. I need to get in shape again..really good shape. So once again, I am determined to get to the gym on a regular basis. Today at the gym, an older gentleman was watching me do my stretches...it was amusing actually....
I am probably the most alone I have been in years. Its okay, just really weird. Mr. Porsche and I had a little blowout today. The thing is that he's so quick on the dime to say, if our relationship isn't making you happy maybe we should...and I jumped in, are you saying we should end it? NO...he said. But you just said you weren't happy. I am not happy about the fact that you couldn't make it on Friday and I ended up doing work for you. We re-scheduled for today, I didn't call you and it is 4:00 and I had to call you to make sure you were alive. Yeah...I do not like to feel taken for granted. respect would have been to send me a note or to call me. He kept saying he was sorry, but I feel so taken for granted lately. Things calmed down and I said...okay so are we going to be able to re-schedule.....I have a really tight week but maybe....I just spoke to him for an hour and tried to point out that we have to plan a little ahead or it isn't happening.
I sent him a note tonight. Basically saying I am feeling taken for granted. That he used to make me feel special and showed he cared and i don't feel that anymore. That the ball is in his court, I can't anymore.
As I am writing this, a text came in from him.....he is going to move some appointments around and free up Wednesday...and he then said...it will be worth it to see you....
Okay, maybe we are making a little leadway here. Who knows.
Met a new guy on Ashley today. Not exactly my type in looks but he is suave and funny. So I will see where it goes. Also met another guy and quite frankly, his refusal to send a pix tells me that he is a dog. You won't be disappointed....famous last lines. I don't know one person who ever met with the old line, you won't be disappointed and they of course were disappointed!! I am not going to write him anymore. I need to see a picture to relate to someone. Ironically my friends friend, I still haven't seen a pix. But he is my BF's recommendation so I have allowed him to slide.
Off to bed. I am so tired these days. I started to work out a little. I need to get in shape again..really good shape. So once again, I am determined to get to the gym on a regular basis. Today at the gym, an older gentleman was watching me do my stretches...it was amusing actually....
Sunday, July 26, 2009
OMG! My Body Is Aching And It's Not From Sex...
The hubby pulled a fast one. I had wanted to take my son away to a week camp. I mentioned how it would be the perfect opportunity to getaway. Miraculously the hubby found my son a bus home. At that point, I decided, OK, why spend the money, stay home. Hubby forgot to mention he was taking him up, leaving a day earlier than the camp so he is coming home on the bus. Oh and miraculously, the hubby's paycheck was cashed by him. I didn't get it. Oh and the man thinks he is living here rent free? Ok, this process is beginning to get ugly.
I went out for a drink on Friday night with a girlfriend and her boyfriend. Literally one hour. The child he is, heard I was going out and did not come home till midnight. Let's see, he never called to see who was watching the kids if I was out and he was out. Aaahh....you see where this is going. He didn't even care if the kids were left alone....they are young! It's a little more to the story but you get what is going on here. I gotta get him out fast....very fast...
So what would a woman who has the weekend to herself do?! Hmmm....get a babysitter and fuck around you must think!! I chose to stay home and clean. Gotta tell ya, I am beginning to think I am heading for sainthood here. I haven't fooled around in weeks. Is this like being a kid when its the forbidden fruit, you desire it so...and when you are given the green light..I am not going to want it?!!? OH MY PLEASE SAY NO!!!
Actually I feel like I am nesting right now. You know when a pregnant woman starts to get ready for the baby....it's like I am getting ready for being alone. I began to do the things that I so long wanted to get done but HE never did. I attacked and threw out tons of stuff from this shed we have. It's more like a house that he throws everything in. It was a disaster and squirrels are living there rent free. In fact, his crap has given them the material to build their homes. They had damn condos in there on these shelves. I went in and threw out. Kept throwing and throwing....my frustrations, my anger....I just kept throwing!! A neighbor came over and asked if I was moving....all the garbage in the front of the house. Nope...summer cleaning....And then....I set up a bed for him in the den. Oh he is going to flip when he gets home but I don't care. Reality is, he is not going to be happy with my nesting. My goal was to set up some room in that shed for his crap. Being realistic, all his damn collections are not going to be going with him. So I am making room in the shed.
And so, my body aches from head to toe. I can't even move another muscle. Climbing ladders, lifting boxes, organizing tools and wood....I am DEAD! BUT....I am very horny....tonight I would love to just lie in bed and have a man have his way with me. I'm sure I wouldn't be a total dead log...but I certainly would love a nice big hard cock right now. I can actually think of exactly how I would want it!!!! Mmmmmmm.......leaned over the bed. Yup, thrusted hard from behind leaning over the bed.
but since there is no man around this evening.....sigh.....I guess I am going to do the next best thing right now. MY TUB!! I haven't turned the music on, candles and my vibrator...in a real long time. I think its exactly what I need.
Gotta admit....I was lonely this weekend. Not for the hubby...but I have been in all weekend pretty much and I was thinking a lot. Probably too much. I was thinking when I was the happiest these last few years. And, reality hit. Okay, the tub is calling me....my vibrator...some new batteries (its waterproof).....I do worry sometimes, i mean what happens if the thing malfunctions and I am found dead in the tub with a vibrator in me. Geez, how embarrassing...
I went out for a drink on Friday night with a girlfriend and her boyfriend. Literally one hour. The child he is, heard I was going out and did not come home till midnight. Let's see, he never called to see who was watching the kids if I was out and he was out. Aaahh....you see where this is going. He didn't even care if the kids were left alone....they are young! It's a little more to the story but you get what is going on here. I gotta get him out fast....very fast...
So what would a woman who has the weekend to herself do?! Hmmm....get a babysitter and fuck around you must think!! I chose to stay home and clean. Gotta tell ya, I am beginning to think I am heading for sainthood here. I haven't fooled around in weeks. Is this like being a kid when its the forbidden fruit, you desire it so...and when you are given the green light..I am not going to want it?!!? OH MY PLEASE SAY NO!!!
Actually I feel like I am nesting right now. You know when a pregnant woman starts to get ready for the baby....it's like I am getting ready for being alone. I began to do the things that I so long wanted to get done but HE never did. I attacked and threw out tons of stuff from this shed we have. It's more like a house that he throws everything in. It was a disaster and squirrels are living there rent free. In fact, his crap has given them the material to build their homes. They had damn condos in there on these shelves. I went in and threw out. Kept throwing and throwing....my frustrations, my anger....I just kept throwing!! A neighbor came over and asked if I was moving....all the garbage in the front of the house. Nope...summer cleaning....And then....I set up a bed for him in the den. Oh he is going to flip when he gets home but I don't care. Reality is, he is not going to be happy with my nesting. My goal was to set up some room in that shed for his crap. Being realistic, all his damn collections are not going to be going with him. So I am making room in the shed.
And so, my body aches from head to toe. I can't even move another muscle. Climbing ladders, lifting boxes, organizing tools and wood....I am DEAD! BUT....I am very horny....tonight I would love to just lie in bed and have a man have his way with me. I'm sure I wouldn't be a total dead log...but I certainly would love a nice big hard cock right now. I can actually think of exactly how I would want it!!!! Mmmmmmm.......leaned over the bed. Yup, thrusted hard from behind leaning over the bed.
but since there is no man around this evening.....sigh.....I guess I am going to do the next best thing right now. MY TUB!! I haven't turned the music on, candles and my vibrator...in a real long time. I think its exactly what I need.
Gotta admit....I was lonely this weekend. Not for the hubby...but I have been in all weekend pretty much and I was thinking a lot. Probably too much. I was thinking when I was the happiest these last few years. And, reality hit. Okay, the tub is calling me....my vibrator...some new batteries (its waterproof).....I do worry sometimes, i mean what happens if the thing malfunctions and I am found dead in the tub with a vibrator in me. Geez, how embarrassing...
Friday, July 24, 2009
Is it a Fantasy Flashback Dream of Reality?!!!?! What the hell is it?!!?
I was standing at the door of the motel. Waiting with anticipation for him to open it. And when he did, my insides fluttered. He just peaked around the door for me to see those deep penetrating eyes staring back at me. I could feel my heart jump, my nipples harden and my clit wetten. When he opened the door...the desire was uncontrollable. I stared back into his eyes and the desire within became uncontrollable. I wanted him. I desired him. I had to have him. Yes, me desire was basically out of control at this point. I could feel the rush throughout my body. i walked in the room and we began to undress. However, I couldn't wait nor could he...he threw me up against the wall...and now I had to have him...ravage him like I never ravaged anyone in my life. Almost suck the life out of him with a kiss.... "Slow down baby" as he gently circled my mouth with his finger. Yes, I had to cage this animal. The animal of lust, the animal of passion, it can be like a fierce wolf...I tamed it for a moment..I slowed down..but I couldn't keep it undercontrol....I had to feel him, touch him, suck him...it was as if he was my lifeline...I could only tame the inner beast with his deep kisses and thrusts...and now totally undressed, I dropped to my knees and began to suck his luscious cock...I needed it, I wanted it...I never wanted anything so badly, the familiar taste was heaven...so warm and fulfilled as it slid down to the back of my throat.......and THEN I fucking woke up.
A reality dream? A fantasy flashback dream? So what the hell do you call when you dream of something that actually happened but you dreamed it BUT you also know it is your desire for it to happen again. I hardly slept last night, I tossed and turned but when I did wake up from this dream I woke up gasping and sitting straight up.
CRAP! Was all I could actually say. And honestly I am in one wicked mood this morning. That wasn't a dream about Mystery Man, that wasn't just my desire, it was a flashback in my dream. That actually happened....so damn real. $#$$# Kind of pisses me off because its disturbing to know how I want that feeling again and he won't see me. I thought maybe if I came down right now and blogged it....I might be able to get a 1/2 hour more of sleep. And, if you were wondering, I woke up drenched...so does that also count as a wet dream? Sigh
A reality dream? A fantasy flashback dream? So what the hell do you call when you dream of something that actually happened but you dreamed it BUT you also know it is your desire for it to happen again. I hardly slept last night, I tossed and turned but when I did wake up from this dream I woke up gasping and sitting straight up.
CRAP! Was all I could actually say. And honestly I am in one wicked mood this morning. That wasn't a dream about Mystery Man, that wasn't just my desire, it was a flashback in my dream. That actually happened....so damn real. $#$$# Kind of pisses me off because its disturbing to know how I want that feeling again and he won't see me. I thought maybe if I came down right now and blogged it....I might be able to get a 1/2 hour more of sleep. And, if you were wondering, I woke up drenched...so does that also count as a wet dream? Sigh
Going To The Grave with My Ashley Madison Secret
Ironically mediation had gone as well as can be expected. It is absolutely mentally draining. I had gone there prepared (of course he didn't) and I thought I laid things out in a fair manner. I was willing to take on all the debt that remained and future home issues with the house, if he gave me the house. Basically, I walked away with debt, bills, liens and house repairs that needed to be done and he walked away with no commitment to the house and no bills. He might be broke but he gets his debt paid off and gets to basically start off with a new beginning. I on the other hand am loaded with the debt BUT my payoff will be the house which I plan on putting in a trust for my children. And I do not have to live a life of worrying about him getting lien after lien on the house. I would be financially separated.
Then he comes home, talks to his family and he is questioning the whole session. You can always count on the asshole sisterinlaws to throw a wrench into it. I warned him....get lawyers involved its going to be ugly and I am still going to win. I am adamant about this.
Ironically though...we actually sat around laughing tonight as a family. The first time in years. My son had found the husband's dating site he is on and had hacked into it months ago. He brought it up and now we were all laughing hysterical. Ironically, the hubby got spooked because one of my friends had contacted him. She died when I told her.
Have you seen the new show Hung? My son and I decided we were going to be his pimps...market him for money. Hey, he actually is a really good looking guy...he will do well on the dating sites with his pix. My son was choosing women for him....ones with lots of botox, figuring they had the bucks already. okay, so we aren't a functional family....but at least we managed to take a sad situation and turn it around just a little. He wants us to find him a woman. Crap, he is lazy even on the dating scene. Basically I said it was a good thing I couldn't screw them or he would want me to do that too for him.
One thing that came out of today..he didn't protest to getting out of the bedroom. He is thinking about it. I am moving him out this weekend....he did mention Ashley Madison. Asking me what it was. Asking me if I was on there. I said....yeah, I had an account for the affiliate program. Along with a list of affiliate programs for work. Money...I need money...and you didn't complain when they paid for your son's allowance a couple of months. The subject was dropped because my son saved me (unknowingly..thankfully, he started asking questions about something). And then I focused on a $44 check I got for a printing project that he saw. The subject is done with. I figured...admit to an affiliate program because total denial is not going to work. I just need to be super careful with my correspondences on Ashley the next few months. Deny, deny, deny. I am going to my grave with my Ashley Madison secret and all my frogs.
Then he comes home, talks to his family and he is questioning the whole session. You can always count on the asshole sisterinlaws to throw a wrench into it. I warned him....get lawyers involved its going to be ugly and I am still going to win. I am adamant about this.
Ironically though...we actually sat around laughing tonight as a family. The first time in years. My son had found the husband's dating site he is on and had hacked into it months ago. He brought it up and now we were all laughing hysterical. Ironically, the hubby got spooked because one of my friends had contacted him. She died when I told her.
Have you seen the new show Hung? My son and I decided we were going to be his pimps...market him for money. Hey, he actually is a really good looking guy...he will do well on the dating sites with his pix. My son was choosing women for him....ones with lots of botox, figuring they had the bucks already. okay, so we aren't a functional family....but at least we managed to take a sad situation and turn it around just a little. He wants us to find him a woman. Crap, he is lazy even on the dating scene. Basically I said it was a good thing I couldn't screw them or he would want me to do that too for him.
One thing that came out of today..he didn't protest to getting out of the bedroom. He is thinking about it. I am moving him out this weekend....he did mention Ashley Madison. Asking me what it was. Asking me if I was on there. I said....yeah, I had an account for the affiliate program. Along with a list of affiliate programs for work. Money...I need money...and you didn't complain when they paid for your son's allowance a couple of months. The subject was dropped because my son saved me (unknowingly..thankfully, he started asking questions about something). And then I focused on a $44 check I got for a printing project that he saw. The subject is done with. I figured...admit to an affiliate program because total denial is not going to work. I just need to be super careful with my correspondences on Ashley the next few months. Deny, deny, deny. I am going to my grave with my Ashley Madison secret and all my frogs.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
I WANT Mindblowing SEX
In the middle of the night, on those nights when you can't sleep....the wildest things come to your mind. I can't sleep., I can't work but I sit and I think. And think, and think. And the big question is...what do I want? And the first thing that pops into my head....WILD SEX. The last few years wild sex is what has given me balance. It has been what has helped me through the rollercoaster of life. I miss it. I want it. I crave it!! Mastubating today, I thought about some hot flashbacks of lovers. Quite honestly, I want what I had with MM again. Okay before you start throwing eggs at me and shaking your head....re-read what I wrote. I want what I had..the hotness, the orgasms, a man that can make my body sing. A man who when I see him--my insides just crave him. All my inhibitions gone, total desire, passion and 900 positions. I want to scream like I did, I want someone who knows exactly what turns me on. Someone that each move takes me higher and higher into the world of paradise.
Yes, I had that once and selfishly, so selfishly I want it again. I want to walk away where I am sitting on a Cloud...balanced, content and fulfilled. I want an educated man and i want a man that is so funny that all I do is laugh and laugh. But smart funny. A warped sense of humor like mine. I want to feel the cum dripping inside of me. I want to feel my body thrashing on the bed and my walls pulsating. I want to hear the phone ring because we have had wild sex for three hours and our time was up. My body wants that. My mouth craves a cock that I adore. that I know exactly how to make the man moan with pleasure. Yes, that is my wish list.
I also want my freedom right now. I want to enjoy a man and not be attached. I want to re-discover who I am as a person and not have that man with my 24/7. I want no drama. I want to concentrate on my career. I want to be satisfied sexually and also be independent.
Yes....the things that I want. Talking with my girlfriend, she says that she cannot believe that I had something that lasted for hours. She says 1 1/2 hours is it included foreplay and the sex is great. Aaaahhhh....I want those three hours of intense pleasure again.
So here I sit at 4:25AM.....going over some highlights of my rendezvous'. Today I got a call, a true blast from the past. Mr. Springer. He is getting re-married. He called to say how he wished we had just one more adventure before he got married. That he had been thinking about me and had to call. I have found memories of our time together...he was the first man to eat me out and make my legs shake for hours after. I was flattered that I would be the one woman he had on his mind, almost like his last supper on the way to the execution chair. I giggled and sweetly declined his offer. Good memories, lets keep them that way. Another fond Ashley Madison encounter. Damn I love that site!!
So now I will attempt to go up to bed again. Grab two hours of sleep. Pull those blankets tight as if it were my lover holding me close and dream of the times that I felt the Cloud 9. Mmmmm...I am lucky yet greedy. Lucky because I know how amazing sex can be. Know what it is like to totally release my inhibitions and fly in the sky..and greedy because I want more. I want to feel a deep cock thrusting inside of me as I lean over a bed or with my legs up in the air.
Yes, I had that once and selfishly, so selfishly I want it again. I want to walk away where I am sitting on a Cloud...balanced, content and fulfilled. I want an educated man and i want a man that is so funny that all I do is laugh and laugh. But smart funny. A warped sense of humor like mine. I want to feel the cum dripping inside of me. I want to feel my body thrashing on the bed and my walls pulsating. I want to hear the phone ring because we have had wild sex for three hours and our time was up. My body wants that. My mouth craves a cock that I adore. that I know exactly how to make the man moan with pleasure. Yes, that is my wish list.
I also want my freedom right now. I want to enjoy a man and not be attached. I want to re-discover who I am as a person and not have that man with my 24/7. I want no drama. I want to concentrate on my career. I want to be satisfied sexually and also be independent.
Yes....the things that I want. Talking with my girlfriend, she says that she cannot believe that I had something that lasted for hours. She says 1 1/2 hours is it included foreplay and the sex is great. Aaaahhhh....I want those three hours of intense pleasure again.
So here I sit at 4:25AM.....going over some highlights of my rendezvous'. Today I got a call, a true blast from the past. Mr. Springer. He is getting re-married. He called to say how he wished we had just one more adventure before he got married. That he had been thinking about me and had to call. I have found memories of our time together...he was the first man to eat me out and make my legs shake for hours after. I was flattered that I would be the one woman he had on his mind, almost like his last supper on the way to the execution chair. I giggled and sweetly declined his offer. Good memories, lets keep them that way. Another fond Ashley Madison encounter. Damn I love that site!!
So now I will attempt to go up to bed again. Grab two hours of sleep. Pull those blankets tight as if it were my lover holding me close and dream of the times that I felt the Cloud 9. Mmmmm...I am lucky yet greedy. Lucky because I know how amazing sex can be. Know what it is like to totally release my inhibitions and fly in the sky..and greedy because I want more. I want to feel a deep cock thrusting inside of me as I lean over a bed or with my legs up in the air.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Agitated and Anxious
Wonders what a little nap can do for ya! Tonight I am agitated and anxious. I have this tightness in my chest and sadness. Tomorrow is another day at the mediator. I sat down tonight and went over everything....I am trying to treat this like a business agreement. Emotionally, I need to do that. Business wise, I am a smart chickie! Personally, well, you know, I am a mush and insecure. I am scared. I have kids with issues and I am alone in this world. But on the other hand, I know I am strong when I have to be. Sometimes it amazes me how I am such a split personality. It must be the Pisces in me. When it comes to my kids, fighting for people's rights who are less fortunate and business....I am a tough cookie. When it comes to life and men..I am a dreamer and a mush.
I am disappointed a little with Mr. Porsche. He called at 5 tonight...he knew my kids was in the hospital and it took him 24 hours to get back to me. I don't know....I think he should have called sooner to see if I was ok. Am I being too hard on him? Not sure. I usually live my life where I don't expect anything from anyone.
I am disappointed a little with Mr. Porsche. He called at 5 tonight...he knew my kids was in the hospital and it took him 24 hours to get back to me. I don't know....I think he should have called sooner to see if I was ok. Am I being too hard on him? Not sure. I usually live my life where I don't expect anything from anyone.
Authority Figures And I are not mixing these days!
DRAMA. I believe some people make it, some people don't have it and then there are those people....like myself...that is finds me no matter how hard I try to avoid it.
My child came home with a 1/2 swollen face yesterday. Emergency Room here we come! A new emergency room (this one specializes in children) and I pull up. The security guard sends me to another part of the hospital. When I get there, that security guard sends me back to the original area. I admit it, I am panicked now. We all know if swelling goes to the throat it is not a good thing. I pull up to the original place and the guard says "You cant park here." I explain I am alone and it is AN EMERGENCY. You can't park here. Hmmm...a few weeks ago at their sister hospital the same thing happened. So what do you think I do?
1-Go and Park the Car and walk to the emergency room or 2-Tell the security guy to bad, this is an emergency I am alone...tow my fucking car if you want.
Yeah....#2! So I go in freaking out at the emergency room people and they were shocked at what he said. they told me to leave it. Sitting in the emergency room, she was the next one because swelling is bad. The damn security guard comes in and says You checked in, go move your car.
Hmmm....I don't do well with stupidity. I was trying to stay calm BUT under the circumstances and panic with my daughter....I LOST IT. Oh yes, this was the icing on the cake. "Are you fucking kidding me?!!?!?!?! Have your supervisor come down here now. NOW!!!! I went to the other security guard and calmly said....please tell this insensitive man to leave immediately or I guarantee he won't have a job tomorrow." the head of security (a cop) called me on the hospital phone. She told her men to just take my keys and park the car for me. She apologized and actually summoned the guy to her office. She admittted, him tracking me down was absolutely ridiculous. She couldn't stop apologizing and said please take care of your child, don't worry about your car. THANK YOU! A SANE PERSON FINALLY!
Now most people would stop there. I am not your everyday person. What would be the right term, I am not sure....a crusader? a martar? lol Other parents do not have the backbone or the fight or they are scared to challenge authority. Not me. I already have a call into the hospital administration....a policy change needs to be made.
And my baby...she is okay. Drama is an understatement. They had to pull this HUGE molar and it wasn't exactly in the right setting. Her eyes looking at me, tears flowed from my eyes as I held her. I am strong in disasters...I had to take the xray (how funny is that)...I requested medicine to calm her and administered it...I summoned the chief of the department to do the work. And today, i collapsed. The doctors turned to me after and said, thank you, you are an amazing mom and woman. I basically did everything but pull the tooth which I watched and almost passed out as they were doing it. Little do they know I go home later and cry like a baby and roll up in a ball. All I wished for was someone to hold me after. A hug has the ability to give you back the strength. And there was no one. I slept with my daughter with her in my arms. I am disappointed in Mr. P. He knew i was going through this last night. Not a call, not an email. Oh, the hubby called and was concerned about my son getting to the sporting event he had that night. Can you imagine my face as I had been in the middle of holding me daughter down, trying to position an Xray in her mouth and he calls with this. I just hung up. I guess I put them out by having an emergency (another whole other story).
What a crazy long day...thanks for listening. I did have an earlier part of the day which was very nice. The FB Lawyer and I met for lunch. Impromptu....he's so sweet. We just chat. No sexual contact although it was hinted that he would like to do takeout next time. A decision to make here.
So another word of advice from me--if your lover is in the middle of drama. You don't need to be there for them physically but check up on them. A text, a call.....how are things going? I don't think I am going to see Mr. P this week.
My child came home with a 1/2 swollen face yesterday. Emergency Room here we come! A new emergency room (this one specializes in children) and I pull up. The security guard sends me to another part of the hospital. When I get there, that security guard sends me back to the original area. I admit it, I am panicked now. We all know if swelling goes to the throat it is not a good thing. I pull up to the original place and the guard says "You cant park here." I explain I am alone and it is AN EMERGENCY. You can't park here. Hmmm...a few weeks ago at their sister hospital the same thing happened. So what do you think I do?
1-Go and Park the Car and walk to the emergency room or 2-Tell the security guy to bad, this is an emergency I am alone...tow my fucking car if you want.
Yeah....#2! So I go in freaking out at the emergency room people and they were shocked at what he said. they told me to leave it. Sitting in the emergency room, she was the next one because swelling is bad. The damn security guard comes in and says You checked in, go move your car.
Hmmm....I don't do well with stupidity. I was trying to stay calm BUT under the circumstances and panic with my daughter....I LOST IT. Oh yes, this was the icing on the cake. "Are you fucking kidding me?!!?!?!?! Have your supervisor come down here now. NOW!!!! I went to the other security guard and calmly said....please tell this insensitive man to leave immediately or I guarantee he won't have a job tomorrow." the head of security (a cop) called me on the hospital phone. She told her men to just take my keys and park the car for me. She apologized and actually summoned the guy to her office. She admittted, him tracking me down was absolutely ridiculous. She couldn't stop apologizing and said please take care of your child, don't worry about your car. THANK YOU! A SANE PERSON FINALLY!
Now most people would stop there. I am not your everyday person. What would be the right term, I am not sure....a crusader? a martar? lol Other parents do not have the backbone or the fight or they are scared to challenge authority. Not me. I already have a call into the hospital administration....a policy change needs to be made.
And my baby...she is okay. Drama is an understatement. They had to pull this HUGE molar and it wasn't exactly in the right setting. Her eyes looking at me, tears flowed from my eyes as I held her. I am strong in disasters...I had to take the xray (how funny is that)...I requested medicine to calm her and administered it...I summoned the chief of the department to do the work. And today, i collapsed. The doctors turned to me after and said, thank you, you are an amazing mom and woman. I basically did everything but pull the tooth which I watched and almost passed out as they were doing it. Little do they know I go home later and cry like a baby and roll up in a ball. All I wished for was someone to hold me after. A hug has the ability to give you back the strength. And there was no one. I slept with my daughter with her in my arms. I am disappointed in Mr. P. He knew i was going through this last night. Not a call, not an email. Oh, the hubby called and was concerned about my son getting to the sporting event he had that night. Can you imagine my face as I had been in the middle of holding me daughter down, trying to position an Xray in her mouth and he calls with this. I just hung up. I guess I put them out by having an emergency (another whole other story).
What a crazy long day...thanks for listening. I did have an earlier part of the day which was very nice. The FB Lawyer and I met for lunch. Impromptu....he's so sweet. We just chat. No sexual contact although it was hinted that he would like to do takeout next time. A decision to make here.
So another word of advice from me--if your lover is in the middle of drama. You don't need to be there for them physically but check up on them. A text, a call.....how are things going? I don't think I am going to see Mr. P this week.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Mr Policeman, You are Blind and The Husband is an Ass
The good news is that I have friends on the police force. The bad news is that since I made all these friends on the police force, I seem to be getting pulled over more. Today, I was looking for an address I had an appointment for work. I was in a location that I didn't want to be in for work and was frustrated from all the traffic and lack of parking. In addition, I didn't know where I was going so I put on my GPS. the GPS announces, you have arrived at your destination. I look around and saw a candy store. What the $%#$%$?? I was annoyed. Now I am not getting younger, so I pulled the GPS up to my eyes so I could see what the hell this thing was talking about. Next two me, there were two men arguing because one bumped the other car. so when the sirens went off, I thought it was because the two men were in the street arguing and the cops were going to break up a potential fight.
Well no......thankfully I pulled over. The policeman was coming to me. Officer, did I do something wrong? With an attitude, "you were on your phone." Immediately I said...No I wasn't. He said Yes you were. I said with a real attitude...NO I WASN'T. I was looking at the GPS because it said I arrived at my destination and I didn't see it. He persisted...Let me see your phone. I showed him my blackberry. BLACK...key point there. Where is your silver phone he insisted.. And in a very annoyed voice I said...."OFFICER, this is the only phone I have. I do not own a silver phone and quite frankly, you probably saw a reflection off of the screen of the GPS when I was trying to understand why it said I arrived and there is nothing here. So I would appreciate you not calling me a liar. It was the sun reflecting off the GPS screen and it might have looked silver. But I WAS NOT ON MY PHONE" And then he walked away. I had an attitude. An attitude because if I was guilty, I would have found a way to sweet talk my way out of it, I hope. But I was not guilty and I wasn't taken the rap for it.
But what annoyed me even more was the fact that there were two men in a heated argument in the street...they had just got into a car accident and were screaming...AND he was concerned about my cell phone? I mean talk about a lazy damn cop. Let's see...which is more important, a possible fight that could lead to blood, a car accident or the blonde who looked at her GPS unit. Even if it were my phone, I didn't put it to my head. Then I was thinking, did I grab an altoid. Is that the silver that he saw? Stupid ass. Do your damn job and at least learn how to prioritize. And embarrassing, the appointment was right where the cop pulled me over. The guy I was meeting saw the whole thing. He was laughing hysterical when I told him the story. I think I closed the deal in the end. He was dying. Okay, I am a drama queen at times but I can be entertaining. My life is like an I Love Lucy episode sometimes.
Yesterday I was in my closet and an envelope was sticking out from under my husband's clothes. Damn man got another ticket. I looked at it and saw the reminensce of my rebate card that I have been waiting for. The bastard took the $70 and spent it. I pay for everything and he steals from me like a little kid?!?!??! Now people are stealing from me in my own home. I can't take it anymore. then we go out for dinner with my parents, he orders drinks and the most expensive thing on the menu. My blood pressure is through the roof. I mentioned the rebate card and he lies. Says it was his. Then I freak. He lies like a child. Stupid ass....it has my name on it.
We have another mediation on this week. He thought I dropped it. He says I don't want a divorce. No, he doesn't love me. He will just lose the idiot that he sucks the life and money out of. Hey, I wouldn't want a divorce either if my money bags was leaving too.
Did I mention my blood pressure was up when I went to the doctor? I wonder why..
Well no......thankfully I pulled over. The policeman was coming to me. Officer, did I do something wrong? With an attitude, "you were on your phone." Immediately I said...No I wasn't. He said Yes you were. I said with a real attitude...NO I WASN'T. I was looking at the GPS because it said I arrived at my destination and I didn't see it. He persisted...Let me see your phone. I showed him my blackberry. BLACK...key point there. Where is your silver phone he insisted.. And in a very annoyed voice I said...."OFFICER, this is the only phone I have. I do not own a silver phone and quite frankly, you probably saw a reflection off of the screen of the GPS when I was trying to understand why it said I arrived and there is nothing here. So I would appreciate you not calling me a liar. It was the sun reflecting off the GPS screen and it might have looked silver. But I WAS NOT ON MY PHONE" And then he walked away. I had an attitude. An attitude because if I was guilty, I would have found a way to sweet talk my way out of it, I hope. But I was not guilty and I wasn't taken the rap for it.
But what annoyed me even more was the fact that there were two men in a heated argument in the street...they had just got into a car accident and were screaming...AND he was concerned about my cell phone? I mean talk about a lazy damn cop. Let's see...which is more important, a possible fight that could lead to blood, a car accident or the blonde who looked at her GPS unit. Even if it were my phone, I didn't put it to my head. Then I was thinking, did I grab an altoid. Is that the silver that he saw? Stupid ass. Do your damn job and at least learn how to prioritize. And embarrassing, the appointment was right where the cop pulled me over. The guy I was meeting saw the whole thing. He was laughing hysterical when I told him the story. I think I closed the deal in the end. He was dying. Okay, I am a drama queen at times but I can be entertaining. My life is like an I Love Lucy episode sometimes.
Yesterday I was in my closet and an envelope was sticking out from under my husband's clothes. Damn man got another ticket. I looked at it and saw the reminensce of my rebate card that I have been waiting for. The bastard took the $70 and spent it. I pay for everything and he steals from me like a little kid?!?!??! Now people are stealing from me in my own home. I can't take it anymore. then we go out for dinner with my parents, he orders drinks and the most expensive thing on the menu. My blood pressure is through the roof. I mentioned the rebate card and he lies. Says it was his. Then I freak. He lies like a child. Stupid ass....it has my name on it.
We have another mediation on this week. He thought I dropped it. He says I don't want a divorce. No, he doesn't love me. He will just lose the idiot that he sucks the life and money out of. Hey, I wouldn't want a divorce either if my money bags was leaving too.
Did I mention my blood pressure was up when I went to the doctor? I wonder why..
A Trip To The Gyno--My nipples were sucked off!
I went for my annual check up. I know this doctor since I was 16 and his partner, I was the first woman as an intern that he did an internal. Such happy gyno memories!!
Sitting in the gyno office, I was the only one not pregnant. Oh my..I felt like a shriveled uterus. All these fertile woman having babies and I am on the other side of the fence now. Wow, I am getting old. The gyno is a great guy, I feel very comfortable with him and as I am on the table I am telling him about the mediator. Trying to be 16 again Cheri? And he laughed. We joked about pregnancy being catching and how I will never marry again and then he said so you are dating?
Not yet I said. And then I realized....hmmmm....the man's hand is inside of me and he is looking at my cleanly shaved pussy. Does he remember that when I was having kids I was either au natural or neatly trimmed. Now, my pussy was as clean as a baby's bottom. He has to know I am lying. well, I am not dating, I am having sex. Not the same thing. I also asked for a clean bill of health and to have a blood workup. He has to know.
Well I am behind on my mammogram. I have been bad. He had this new test there. It is like a pap smear for the breast. This machine sucks liquid out of your breasts and it is tested for possible cancerous cells. The same concept of a pap smear...a pre-screening. You still have to get your mammography. I decided I was going to do it. It was out of pocket but hey....I have to be brave. I am petrified of finding out I have a disease.
Gotta tell ya....the test is barbaric. They put these suction cups on your tits. And then this machine suctions like there is no tomorrow. The attempt is to get fluid out of them if it is possible. This baby knew how to suck....however, truth is Mr. P has been a lot rougher on my nipples. This test was a walk in the park at its height. Clothes pins pulling on your nipples do hurt more. I was not surprised that they couldn't get any fluid out of my nipples. That is a good thing they say, it means that you are at a normal risk of breast cancer. I kind of felt disappointed. I mean they say it is good that no fluid came out but I felt like I got jipped. If fluid came out at least they could test it and I would have a definite result. They insisted no fluid is better. Honestly, the way men suck on my nipples, I could have told them they weren't going to get any fluid. That machine was child's play compared to what my nipples have experienced and there never has been any fluid. Of course, I couldn't tell this to the doctor. All I imagined was how should have little frogs mouths on the machine instead of this flower looking suction thing or a man's mouth to stimulate the woman's juices.
So that was my day at the gyno.....but the day didn't end there. I thought I was going to get arrested today!!
Sitting in the gyno office, I was the only one not pregnant. Oh my..I felt like a shriveled uterus. All these fertile woman having babies and I am on the other side of the fence now. Wow, I am getting old. The gyno is a great guy, I feel very comfortable with him and as I am on the table I am telling him about the mediator. Trying to be 16 again Cheri? And he laughed. We joked about pregnancy being catching and how I will never marry again and then he said so you are dating?
Not yet I said. And then I realized....hmmmm....the man's hand is inside of me and he is looking at my cleanly shaved pussy. Does he remember that when I was having kids I was either au natural or neatly trimmed. Now, my pussy was as clean as a baby's bottom. He has to know I am lying. well, I am not dating, I am having sex. Not the same thing. I also asked for a clean bill of health and to have a blood workup. He has to know.
Well I am behind on my mammogram. I have been bad. He had this new test there. It is like a pap smear for the breast. This machine sucks liquid out of your breasts and it is tested for possible cancerous cells. The same concept of a pap smear...a pre-screening. You still have to get your mammography. I decided I was going to do it. It was out of pocket but hey....I have to be brave. I am petrified of finding out I have a disease.
Gotta tell ya....the test is barbaric. They put these suction cups on your tits. And then this machine suctions like there is no tomorrow. The attempt is to get fluid out of them if it is possible. This baby knew how to suck....however, truth is Mr. P has been a lot rougher on my nipples. This test was a walk in the park at its height. Clothes pins pulling on your nipples do hurt more. I was not surprised that they couldn't get any fluid out of my nipples. That is a good thing they say, it means that you are at a normal risk of breast cancer. I kind of felt disappointed. I mean they say it is good that no fluid came out but I felt like I got jipped. If fluid came out at least they could test it and I would have a definite result. They insisted no fluid is better. Honestly, the way men suck on my nipples, I could have told them they weren't going to get any fluid. That machine was child's play compared to what my nipples have experienced and there never has been any fluid. Of course, I couldn't tell this to the doctor. All I imagined was how should have little frogs mouths on the machine instead of this flower looking suction thing or a man's mouth to stimulate the woman's juices.
So that was my day at the gyno.....but the day didn't end there. I thought I was going to get arrested today!!
Friday, July 17, 2009
I told him "I Love You"
I am a very passionate woman. I am into telling people what I think and what I feel. That is probably one of the reasons I feel so trapped in my marriage. The lack of affection is devastating for a person like myself who thrives on touch and hugs and kisses.
Mr. P is going through a real rough time with work. While he is out working his butt off to keep his business afloat, his employees are doing things in the office...their way. Having had my own business, I have been told I am a fair boss and a good boss. But if someone crosses me, oh they know. One thing I demanded was respect and honesty from my employees. If you screwed up...we are human, but if you try to blame someone else or try to cover it....I would flip! My employees felt I was a very fair boss.
Anyway, Mr. P's employees have stepped over that line. I am so protective of him. I am angry that they are taking such advantage of him. Personally, I would go in and just lay it out. There is no compromising or room for employees that all cover for each other. I would nip it in the butt. He is soooo overwhelmed...
So anyway, I am his sounding board. I help him with his managerial direction...he respects my opinion and 95% of the time he goes with it. Today, he was beyond frazzled. I was scared. He had so much on his shoulders, more than most days and quite frankly, I was nervous for his health, that's how much pressure he is under. So I sent him an email saying I love you, you are so special to me and I don't want to see this hurt you or kill you...I said more but that was the part that is relevant here.
Now after I sent it, I realized.....oh man, the old I love you. the way I meant it, I hope he got it. I do love him very much. He has been a wonderful friend and has helped me through the toughest and darkest days. He is always there for me. I did not mean it as a husband and wife love. I hope he realized that. And here we are back to the old...there are different kinds of love.
His response....That was very sweet. Thank you.
Hmmmm....I've spoken to him since. It wasn't mentioned. As I am typing, I am thinking,,,should I be insulted that he didn't say I love you back? I wasn't insulted but should I be?! There was a whole story besides the I love you. Actually it was a little about my neighbor and what he is going through so it wasn't just an I love you. I don't regret it, because I do feel that way. I love my close friends. I love them for supporting me and being there for me. hmmm....I gotta think about this one
Mr. P is going through a real rough time with work. While he is out working his butt off to keep his business afloat, his employees are doing things in the office...their way. Having had my own business, I have been told I am a fair boss and a good boss. But if someone crosses me, oh they know. One thing I demanded was respect and honesty from my employees. If you screwed up...we are human, but if you try to blame someone else or try to cover it....I would flip! My employees felt I was a very fair boss.
Anyway, Mr. P's employees have stepped over that line. I am so protective of him. I am angry that they are taking such advantage of him. Personally, I would go in and just lay it out. There is no compromising or room for employees that all cover for each other. I would nip it in the butt. He is soooo overwhelmed...
So anyway, I am his sounding board. I help him with his managerial direction...he respects my opinion and 95% of the time he goes with it. Today, he was beyond frazzled. I was scared. He had so much on his shoulders, more than most days and quite frankly, I was nervous for his health, that's how much pressure he is under. So I sent him an email saying I love you, you are so special to me and I don't want to see this hurt you or kill you...I said more but that was the part that is relevant here.
Now after I sent it, I realized.....oh man, the old I love you. the way I meant it, I hope he got it. I do love him very much. He has been a wonderful friend and has helped me through the toughest and darkest days. He is always there for me. I did not mean it as a husband and wife love. I hope he realized that. And here we are back to the old...there are different kinds of love.
His response....That was very sweet. Thank you.
Hmmmm....I've spoken to him since. It wasn't mentioned. As I am typing, I am thinking,,,should I be insulted that he didn't say I love you back? I wasn't insulted but should I be?! There was a whole story besides the I love you. Actually it was a little about my neighbor and what he is going through so it wasn't just an I love you. I don't regret it, because I do feel that way. I love my close friends. I love them for supporting me and being there for me. hmmm....I gotta think about this one
A Taste Of Reality...Life Is Short
I am getting ready for work and I look at my window. My neighbor is sitting out on his deck. A feeling of sadness and despair fills me. You see, two years ago, this man was a vibrant, well educated man. He is only 55 years old. Now he is a man half his size and he is wasting away. He seems to not know most of his surroundings, however, the other day, I helped his wife get him up the steps and he uttered "thank you so much". Tears filled my eyes as they did his wife. He hasn't spoken in months but he still was a class act and managed to get those words out.
So I stand by the window as I watch him just stare down. That's what he does everyday....this is what his life has become. Selfishly, I turn to myself. We don't know what tomorrow brings until it is here. We can't do things that we may have wanted to if something happens to us. In a split second, our lives can change as we know it forever.
So i stand here and look around and I realize, I am wasting my life with sadness. I am living with a deep, dark sadness. A darkness inside of me that sometimes is so lonely. An unhappiness which I keep saying I am going to change. I am really starting to believe I am making some leadway in my mind. I am seeing things a little differently these days. I have been saying...okay, your marriage is over and then what. And the answer is....whatever I want. I need to make my life happen not be run by my life and the bills and my job and my obligation. Inner peace, inner happiness should be the most important thing and it is possible to have that inner happiness and be responsible as well to your family and friends.
So if I can't pay the bills on the house...in two years, I can downsize to an apartment. Not my optimum choice but hey, if I am happy that's what counts. I just know that anything can happen to me tomorrow as I look out my window and watch my neighbor. And once again, a little eerie in a way, a red breasted robin flies by the window and crosses my path. I hope that robin truly means the brighter side of life is coming.
So life is short. Ironically that is Ashley Madisons tag line these days. Life Is Short. Have An Affair. I need to take the time and smell the roses. We all should. And if a rose happens to be in a lover's crotch, even the better!!! lol
So I stand by the window as I watch him just stare down. That's what he does everyday....this is what his life has become. Selfishly, I turn to myself. We don't know what tomorrow brings until it is here. We can't do things that we may have wanted to if something happens to us. In a split second, our lives can change as we know it forever.
So i stand here and look around and I realize, I am wasting my life with sadness. I am living with a deep, dark sadness. A darkness inside of me that sometimes is so lonely. An unhappiness which I keep saying I am going to change. I am really starting to believe I am making some leadway in my mind. I am seeing things a little differently these days. I have been saying...okay, your marriage is over and then what. And the answer is....whatever I want. I need to make my life happen not be run by my life and the bills and my job and my obligation. Inner peace, inner happiness should be the most important thing and it is possible to have that inner happiness and be responsible as well to your family and friends.
So if I can't pay the bills on the house...in two years, I can downsize to an apartment. Not my optimum choice but hey, if I am happy that's what counts. I just know that anything can happen to me tomorrow as I look out my window and watch my neighbor. And once again, a little eerie in a way, a red breasted robin flies by the window and crosses my path. I hope that robin truly means the brighter side of life is coming.
So life is short. Ironically that is Ashley Madisons tag line these days. Life Is Short. Have An Affair. I need to take the time and smell the roses. We all should. And if a rose happens to be in a lover's crotch, even the better!!! lol
Thursday, July 16, 2009
So Now I Am On Twitter
I started it awhile ago but didn't get into it. I am starting to get into Twitter. Are you surprised? I began podcasting years ago (that was fun! I loved the fact that I was able to be on iTunes). But as you may know, when I hit 150,000 hits for my podcasts and I was in the top 10 of sex podcasts, it was time to pull the plug. itunes had just become a really hot thing even with my generation and I feared my voice being recognized. I did a website when that became hot, a blog, well you know that and now we are venturing into some Tweeting! I am going to test it out. Honestly, I like blogging. Don't know why you would care what I am doing all day but I will see if I get into it. With my new crackberry, it might be a nice break to my day. But I will not stop blogging.
Okay, so to follow me on twitter. I think it is Cheri's Twitter you can click it and follow me OR I put it on my blog page so you can see my recent tweets. I love that word...tweet, tweet..lol
Okay, so to follow me on twitter. I think it is Cheri's Twitter you can click it and follow me OR I put it on my blog page so you can see my recent tweets. I love that word...tweet, tweet..lol
What Do I Look For In A Man On Ashley Madison
So what do I look for on Ashley Madison? That is a great question.
Most men do not have their picture so Ashley Madison has a lot to do with personality unlike other dating sites. Let's be realistic here, if I saw a pix on another site and I wasnt into the guy, I wouldn't take the time to read his profile. So Ashley is actually the opposite of most of the other sites. On Ashley Madison, your profile really needs to stand out from the rest. And if you do post your picture for everyone to see, you are insane. I do think that a sexy pix covering your face and blurred (if you have a nice body) is a turn on. But the guys who show me their chests, it really doesn't do it for me. Now if you decide to go the show the chest route...make sure you have a really hot chest.
I've said this before...I do not like the guys who have very explicit user names. Like Iwanturpussy. Or pleaseme. The user name should be fun, generic or interesting but not vulgar. Please me is a man who is selfish. Remember, an affair is a two way street. give and receive. The girls on the site are not just their for your entertainment (that is called a prostitute)..they are looking for pleasure as well.
As for the description, I like honesty to a point. I don't need to know how much you love your wife or that you have wonderful children (leave that part out). I'm not looking to change my marital status or yours is okay to write or you can leave that for when you talk. Honestly, women on the site know that (I would hope and they are there for the same reason probably).
What makes me respond? A well written, a little revealing about your personality, wants, a little vulnerability/honesty, some mystery..ask a question in there makes a person think a little. I also LOVE wit. Now it has to be cute or funny. Humor and smiling pulls the walls down. Oh wait...and upbeat. I don't want to hear about all the things you don't want. I don't want rules in the commentary (you can't be crazy, you can't be this and that). I like upbeat. Think about a tropical island...think about paradise, think about what you consider the perfect escape....
I read through some of the guys that I responded to to see what exactly do I look for in a profile. And there is a combination of intelligence, some detail (they have a personality), no over the top cockiness or on the other side--someone who sounded desperate, some honesty and their profile made me smile. Someone I would want to get to know. Put a little something personal into it. Think about it, a woman is reading 20 profiles a day.
I guess you should think about it as a brochure for a company. What is going to make me want to visit your vacation spot or go to your store. Develop a want in that person...
does that make sense? Just a rambling of things that I look for...I am working on a checklist for my website which I hope to eventually get back up in the near future. I started another one too thats in its infancy about the dating sites. I'll keep you updated. Remember, you asked what do I look for. I don't know if I am like others...hey I can be one very unique person and all these tips are useless. But this is the Cheri's what I look for in a man on Ashley Madison.
Okay, I am off. All of a sudden I have a desire to go surfing on Ashley for some men. My profile has been hopping lately. So many men, so little time....
Most men do not have their picture so Ashley Madison has a lot to do with personality unlike other dating sites. Let's be realistic here, if I saw a pix on another site and I wasnt into the guy, I wouldn't take the time to read his profile. So Ashley is actually the opposite of most of the other sites. On Ashley Madison, your profile really needs to stand out from the rest. And if you do post your picture for everyone to see, you are insane. I do think that a sexy pix covering your face and blurred (if you have a nice body) is a turn on. But the guys who show me their chests, it really doesn't do it for me. Now if you decide to go the show the chest route...make sure you have a really hot chest.
I've said this before...I do not like the guys who have very explicit user names. Like Iwanturpussy. Or pleaseme. The user name should be fun, generic or interesting but not vulgar. Please me is a man who is selfish. Remember, an affair is a two way street. give and receive. The girls on the site are not just their for your entertainment (that is called a prostitute)..they are looking for pleasure as well.
As for the description, I like honesty to a point. I don't need to know how much you love your wife or that you have wonderful children (leave that part out). I'm not looking to change my marital status or yours is okay to write or you can leave that for when you talk. Honestly, women on the site know that (I would hope and they are there for the same reason probably).
What makes me respond? A well written, a little revealing about your personality, wants, a little vulnerability/honesty, some mystery..ask a question in there makes a person think a little. I also LOVE wit. Now it has to be cute or funny. Humor and smiling pulls the walls down. Oh wait...and upbeat. I don't want to hear about all the things you don't want. I don't want rules in the commentary (you can't be crazy, you can't be this and that). I like upbeat. Think about a tropical island...think about paradise, think about what you consider the perfect escape....
I read through some of the guys that I responded to to see what exactly do I look for in a profile. And there is a combination of intelligence, some detail (they have a personality), no over the top cockiness or on the other side--someone who sounded desperate, some honesty and their profile made me smile. Someone I would want to get to know. Put a little something personal into it. Think about it, a woman is reading 20 profiles a day.
I guess you should think about it as a brochure for a company. What is going to make me want to visit your vacation spot or go to your store. Develop a want in that person...
does that make sense? Just a rambling of things that I look for...I am working on a checklist for my website which I hope to eventually get back up in the near future. I started another one too thats in its infancy about the dating sites. I'll keep you updated. Remember, you asked what do I look for. I don't know if I am like others...hey I can be one very unique person and all these tips are useless. But this is the Cheri's what I look for in a man on Ashley Madison.
Okay, I am off. All of a sudden I have a desire to go surfing on Ashley for some men. My profile has been hopping lately. So many men, so little time....
What Not To Say To A Woman You Want To Get In Bed...
Remember the guy I met and didn't know his name? I wasn't into him..he looked nothing like his pix and when we met, there was absolutely no chemistry. Nice guy, but nothing there. He IMs me four times a day...I told him that I got a lot on my mind right now. Ok, I am a wimp when it comes to saying Didn't feel anything. I make excuses not to hurt the person. Is that wrong? Should I just say..didn't feel the chemistry?
anyway, he just sent me a note.... "If you don't want to be with me anymore, do you have a friend that would want to?"
Let's see...I went around to all my married friends and told them about him and I blew up a picture and have been soliciting for him. Hmmm....I didn't know I was his Affair Agent. Would I charge a finders fee or something? Basically he is saying.....I need my cock in a woman's pussy asap...I can't get into yours so can you arrange for me to get into one of your friends ?!?
The coffee spitting out of my mouth when I read his IM. How funny is that?!!?!
And Kevin, your remark was hilarious. And you thought you could innocently watch CNN and not think of sex! See, I changed that. Well for the record, he's a regular guest on the show, not an anchor or an employee of CNN. So when the experts come on now.....imagine....just imagine!!!
anyway, he just sent me a note.... "If you don't want to be with me anymore, do you have a friend that would want to?"
Let's see...I went around to all my married friends and told them about him and I blew up a picture and have been soliciting for him. Hmmm....I didn't know I was his Affair Agent. Would I charge a finders fee or something? Basically he is saying.....I need my cock in a woman's pussy asap...I can't get into yours so can you arrange for me to get into one of your friends ?!?
The coffee spitting out of my mouth when I read his IM. How funny is that?!!?!
And Kevin, your remark was hilarious. And you thought you could innocently watch CNN and not think of sex! See, I changed that. Well for the record, he's a regular guest on the show, not an anchor or an employee of CNN. So when the experts come on now.....imagine....just imagine!!!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
the Strangest Day
Within a two hour time frame, I have never felt so much like the ugly duckling and so wanted at the same time. Mr. Electric turned out to be a disaster. We met at a park and we actually sat and watched two squirrels in a tree for 20 minutes. He spoke to me but never looked at me. He looked straight ahead and I lied with my head on the bench and looked up too. It was bizarre. Only thing is that it was the perfect day....absolutely gorgeous. I brought a book and was tempted to continue reading. My book is more interesting than this meeting. Oh wait, I did see his tattoes. I have never dated a man with tattoes, just not the men I have met. His were nice. I had no desire to be with him. He's a nice guy but the meeting was a bust. As he was leaving he walked me to my car. And then he leaned over and gave me a kiss. It was a friend kiss and that was fine. But I still felt rejected. Not sure what went down. Last time, we were into each other. Last time, we both had fewer lovers in our past. Maybe that is the difference.
As soon as I jumped in the car, I headed over to meet FB Lawyer. We giggled, we laughed and we kissed in his BMW Convertible.....very nice. It was fun. I like the way he looks at me. With a little smirk and a litle gleam in his eye. How he looks at my breasts...how he holds my hand. How he feeds me ice cream and how much he enjoys watching me suck on the spoon....lol The time went too fast, I should have ditched Mr. Electric earlier.
Of course, my insecurity came out after that. I know I am insecure, it sucks. I question if I am pretty. I question if I am sexy. I question so many things. I know I am smart, I am pretty YET I still feel that insecurity. I question my looks, my brains, who I am. Do most women do that? Do men do that? I don't think men do that. I know many women who do.
What a strange day..
As soon as I jumped in the car, I headed over to meet FB Lawyer. We giggled, we laughed and we kissed in his BMW Convertible.....very nice. It was fun. I like the way he looks at me. With a little smirk and a litle gleam in his eye. How he looks at my breasts...how he holds my hand. How he feeds me ice cream and how much he enjoys watching me suck on the spoon....lol The time went too fast, I should have ditched Mr. Electric earlier.
Of course, my insecurity came out after that. I know I am insecure, it sucks. I question if I am pretty. I question if I am sexy. I question so many things. I know I am smart, I am pretty YET I still feel that insecurity. I question my looks, my brains, who I am. Do most women do that? Do men do that? I don't think men do that. I know many women who do.
What a strange day..
Brains are so Damn Hot!
Wow, thanks for the education on Viagra. He may be using it...lol Doesn't matter to me..or should I say oh yes, I like it!! As for what I like on Ashley, I promise that will be my next post. Here's one thing, but I will go in more detail. However, an interesting revelation on the front.
I get turned on by a man's brain. Sound crazy? Well I do...the whole aura of knowledge and smarts and a man who can teach me something, really turns me on. I know you would expect me to say his cock or his mannerism. But now that I think about it....a smart man is so hot. I realized today how much that turns me on. But, there is a pattern now that I look back. Brains, a Type A personality and Power are at the top of my list of turn ons. Okay a great sense of humor or a dynamic personality is also.
Years ago (for those of you who are newer to my blog) there was a man who was extremely successful. We are talking POWER CITY. I would see him on CNN and some of our nation's extremely influential shows. I had met him on Ashley Madison. He traveled the world and we would have phone sex and we would cam throughout the US and even internationally. A multi-millionaire but more importantly, when he would speak, the world would listen to his advice. I found that such a turn on. We ended up meeting a couple of times. Sadly the actual sex was not so hot. I think because some men like this are very self absorbed. The world revolves around them and in the bedroom, they expect to be served as well. So from that event and a few other rendezvous', I had concluded some of the most powerful and rich are probably really sucky in bed. Of course, I had always wanted to do JFK Jr. I was upset with his marriage...but devastated by his death. He was the one man that I wanted to sleep with. You have to know I would have worked that one if he hadn't died...I would have found a way but time was cut short.
Anyway, so this brilliant millionaire, re-appeared on Yahoo two days ago. I sent him a note to say hi. I am friends with most of my old lovers so an occasional email, call or IM is not that unusual to touch base. Puts a smile on both our faces for the day...harmless fun. Anyway, I sent him a hi, hope all is well. He answered and we began talking. To my surprise, he said that I am on his mind a lot. that he thinks about our hot time in the car, the hotel, the cams and my lips. Countless times was his words...he thinks about me and looks at my pix to masturbate. WOW...now I was shocked. A man like that can have any woman. He is charismatic, smart, rich and really good looking. Now I would have said that he was pulling my chain but the way it came out, it wasn't necessary...it was like a confession.
Anyway, he was talking and said that just talking to me made him hard. So I said...prove it. And he turned on his cam.....and he had a raging hard on. I was psyched! i love that I can do that to a man just with my words. I love that a man thinks of me in that way......yummy!!!
So now I of course had to help in finish what I started. I watched him on the cam as he worked his cock and balls...his special technique. His technique is rubbing his balls with his hand around the base of his cock and his hand going up and down...touching the tip and then massaging some more. I am always amazed how each man has their own combination and techniques. And all I had to do was talk about coming to his office and how I would seduce him. He came in a second...
He wants me to come to his office tomorrow. I am not going. However, I went online and he has some of his professional stuff up and I basically masturbated to his video and pix..lol His words, his thoughts, his view on things were so smart. He has a great outlook on business....amazingly, it was that that made me cum more than looking at his cock. Oh his cock made me horny but his intellect put me over the edge...lol
So a brain is key. And as I look back and the last few men. they are either really smart, really witty or both. Ironically, I am meeting Mr. Electric today for a cup of coffee. He is cute, sweet but I don't know. Something is missing with him. He doesn't get my sarcasm and off beat wit. I have to keep saying...I am kidding....and as I am typing this, I wonder if I should even meet him. He is charming..I love his Hey baby.....what ya doing honey.....hi sexy....they give me the warm and fuzzies. Okay back to work....
I get turned on by a man's brain. Sound crazy? Well I do...the whole aura of knowledge and smarts and a man who can teach me something, really turns me on. I know you would expect me to say his cock or his mannerism. But now that I think about it....a smart man is so hot. I realized today how much that turns me on. But, there is a pattern now that I look back. Brains, a Type A personality and Power are at the top of my list of turn ons. Okay a great sense of humor or a dynamic personality is also.
Years ago (for those of you who are newer to my blog) there was a man who was extremely successful. We are talking POWER CITY. I would see him on CNN and some of our nation's extremely influential shows. I had met him on Ashley Madison. He traveled the world and we would have phone sex and we would cam throughout the US and even internationally. A multi-millionaire but more importantly, when he would speak, the world would listen to his advice. I found that such a turn on. We ended up meeting a couple of times. Sadly the actual sex was not so hot. I think because some men like this are very self absorbed. The world revolves around them and in the bedroom, they expect to be served as well. So from that event and a few other rendezvous', I had concluded some of the most powerful and rich are probably really sucky in bed. Of course, I had always wanted to do JFK Jr. I was upset with his marriage...but devastated by his death. He was the one man that I wanted to sleep with. You have to know I would have worked that one if he hadn't died...I would have found a way but time was cut short.
Anyway, so this brilliant millionaire, re-appeared on Yahoo two days ago. I sent him a note to say hi. I am friends with most of my old lovers so an occasional email, call or IM is not that unusual to touch base. Puts a smile on both our faces for the day...harmless fun. Anyway, I sent him a hi, hope all is well. He answered and we began talking. To my surprise, he said that I am on his mind a lot. that he thinks about our hot time in the car, the hotel, the cams and my lips. Countless times was his words...he thinks about me and looks at my pix to masturbate. WOW...now I was shocked. A man like that can have any woman. He is charismatic, smart, rich and really good looking. Now I would have said that he was pulling my chain but the way it came out, it wasn't necessary...it was like a confession.
Anyway, he was talking and said that just talking to me made him hard. So I said...prove it. And he turned on his cam.....and he had a raging hard on. I was psyched! i love that I can do that to a man just with my words. I love that a man thinks of me in that way......yummy!!!
So now I of course had to help in finish what I started. I watched him on the cam as he worked his cock and balls...his special technique. His technique is rubbing his balls with his hand around the base of his cock and his hand going up and down...touching the tip and then massaging some more. I am always amazed how each man has their own combination and techniques. And all I had to do was talk about coming to his office and how I would seduce him. He came in a second...
He wants me to come to his office tomorrow. I am not going. However, I went online and he has some of his professional stuff up and I basically masturbated to his video and pix..lol His words, his thoughts, his view on things were so smart. He has a great outlook on business....amazingly, it was that that made me cum more than looking at his cock. Oh his cock made me horny but his intellect put me over the edge...lol
So a brain is key. And as I look back and the last few men. they are either really smart, really witty or both. Ironically, I am meeting Mr. Electric today for a cup of coffee. He is cute, sweet but I don't know. Something is missing with him. He doesn't get my sarcasm and off beat wit. I have to keep saying...I am kidding....and as I am typing this, I wonder if I should even meet him. He is charming..I love his Hey baby.....what ya doing honey.....hi sexy....they give me the warm and fuzzies. Okay back to work....
Monday, July 13, 2009
Two Hours Of Sex Is Not Enough
Today, Mr. Porsche and I met after 5 weeks of not seeing each other. Oh we met for lunch each week but sexually we had not been alone. Today we met at the motel land spent two hours having sex. It was really good but it wasn't enough. I hate as it is winding down that is mind is already 400 miles away at work. The sex was great...I definitely can't complain as he used a vibrator and anal beads to make me cum initially and then I even came while we were having sex. Not too many men can get me to do that.
His issue has seemed to improve....his cock is super hard these days. Now if he is using Viagra, I would be surprised because I thought it continues to stay hard on Viagra but with him it goes down....hmm..I wonder why?
Today, the sex was more normal for us. you know how I love to give blow jobs. Well, the finale today was a blow job....he loves when I suck and deep throat him all the way down as I fondle his balls. He loves as I lick his balls. Today, he used my mouth as target practice...whatever he could get in, I was going to swallow. Well, he was pretty good at shooting today. My mouth was filled with his juices dribbling down the side of my mouth....with one swallow....the job was complete. Hmm...I wonder how much protein I got from that mouthful?
I find myself blah these days. BLAH is the perfect word. Oh there is not a lack of men. I went back on Ashley Madison and re-kindled a few romances. But the guys I have on my plate now are such Type A personalities. Each thinking that I am there just for them. At their beckon call. Did that, done that and I am very done with that.
There was a rain shower of men's calls today. I actually was too busy in the morning to really get to answer them. Work comes first...men second. I was sad leaving Mr. Porsche today. But not the sad I used to feel with MM. With MM, I was always sad because the day was over. I always feared that it would be our last meeting. Three hours of sex was never enough with him. that is not the case with other men....I am still in search of a man that I can spend 6 hours in bed with and want even more. I found it once...there has got to be another out there!
With Mr. Porsche I am sad because I am feeling taken for granted. I don't feel that desire that I used to feel from him. we have settled in and I don't think he feels he needs to woooo me anymore. I left him today and I honestly am going to try not to call him. Keep some distance...oh he called me on the way home after our afternoon to tell me how much he appreciated me but something isn't right. Time will tell.
His issue has seemed to improve....his cock is super hard these days. Now if he is using Viagra, I would be surprised because I thought it continues to stay hard on Viagra but with him it goes down....hmm..I wonder why?
Today, the sex was more normal for us. you know how I love to give blow jobs. Well, the finale today was a blow job....he loves when I suck and deep throat him all the way down as I fondle his balls. He loves as I lick his balls. Today, he used my mouth as target practice...whatever he could get in, I was going to swallow. Well, he was pretty good at shooting today. My mouth was filled with his juices dribbling down the side of my mouth....with one swallow....the job was complete. Hmm...I wonder how much protein I got from that mouthful?
I find myself blah these days. BLAH is the perfect word. Oh there is not a lack of men. I went back on Ashley Madison and re-kindled a few romances. But the guys I have on my plate now are such Type A personalities. Each thinking that I am there just for them. At their beckon call. Did that, done that and I am very done with that.
There was a rain shower of men's calls today. I actually was too busy in the morning to really get to answer them. Work comes first...men second. I was sad leaving Mr. Porsche today. But not the sad I used to feel with MM. With MM, I was always sad because the day was over. I always feared that it would be our last meeting. Three hours of sex was never enough with him. that is not the case with other men....I am still in search of a man that I can spend 6 hours in bed with and want even more. I found it once...there has got to be another out there!
With Mr. Porsche I am sad because I am feeling taken for granted. I don't feel that desire that I used to feel from him. we have settled in and I don't think he feels he needs to woooo me anymore. I left him today and I honestly am going to try not to call him. Keep some distance...oh he called me on the way home after our afternoon to tell me how much he appreciated me but something isn't right. Time will tell.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Sex Addict?
Actually, I doubt I am a sex addict as one person commented on my blog....I am sure most of you have had sex within the last 5 weeks. I haven't. An addict is my girlfriend who needs it daily or every other day no matter who it is. So let me ask, if I was single and dating a few men, would that be so terrible? How do you find someone you like if you don't go out with them a couple of times? I actually have been playing it very low key lately. Focusing on the "real life" versus the secret life I lead.
Ironically, it does feel a little weird that my two lives will hopefully become one soon. It's scary but exciting that I will be able to not hide but do as I please. Granted, if I continue to date married men, then that won't change. But the thought that I can have someone stop by for coffee, sit on my deck and drink a glass of wine or just hang in my house ...is an exciting feeling.
I am back on Ashley Madison, browsing. Not really contacting just looking for some potential frogs for the pond. Good thing is that I had a lot of downtime this weekend. Hubby being out of town is relaxing and I sleep so much better. The tension is too much when he is here. Truth is, he has no common sense. A friend came over tonight...technically both our friends (a guy I know since a kid). My husband let my son drive in another state with his permit and was going to allow him to drive the car home, at night with no passenger in the car. Our friend (an Ex cop) came in shaking his head. We sat and talked and he even said..he's not a bad guy but you have to get away from him. Trust me I am not taking this divorce lightly....its the right thing for me and my children. The man is constantly looking for trouble. If my son got into an accident, I could lose everything or even more scarily, he could have hurt someone. This is what you teach a child?
I'm very much alone right now and its not bad. Saturday night was a little rough but I relaxed with a glass of wine and read a book. Oh, there are frogs....but its different these days. I am dating now not jumping into bed with men. This week...I have a few frogs lined up for lunch, dinner and coffee. I am taking it slooowwww.....
Oh, and thank you for those who have been concerned about my stomach. I spoke with a doctor and he wants me to go in for some testing. Can you imagine that I might have an ulcer or the onset of ulcerated colitis? My oh my....wouldn't that be a surprise?!?!......NOT! Scarily, my stomach was okay all weekend....started up again with the aggravation when the husband came home. do you see a correlation?! lol
I have spent more time flirting this past week. Next week I have a few meetings set up but they aren't sexual encounters. They are friends who may be more. Who knows but right now, they are just friends. I flirt and even had phone sex on Friday night with a guy from the past who I can't even reemember the frog name I gave him. I had liked him but MM had returned and I stopped seeing him immediately. I apologized and explained and he understood. He had a woman in his past that Rocked His World so he was understanding to my connection with MM
Ironically, it does feel a little weird that my two lives will hopefully become one soon. It's scary but exciting that I will be able to not hide but do as I please. Granted, if I continue to date married men, then that won't change. But the thought that I can have someone stop by for coffee, sit on my deck and drink a glass of wine or just hang in my house ...is an exciting feeling.
I am back on Ashley Madison, browsing. Not really contacting just looking for some potential frogs for the pond. Good thing is that I had a lot of downtime this weekend. Hubby being out of town is relaxing and I sleep so much better. The tension is too much when he is here. Truth is, he has no common sense. A friend came over tonight...technically both our friends (a guy I know since a kid). My husband let my son drive in another state with his permit and was going to allow him to drive the car home, at night with no passenger in the car. Our friend (an Ex cop) came in shaking his head. We sat and talked and he even said..he's not a bad guy but you have to get away from him. Trust me I am not taking this divorce lightly....its the right thing for me and my children. The man is constantly looking for trouble. If my son got into an accident, I could lose everything or even more scarily, he could have hurt someone. This is what you teach a child?
I'm very much alone right now and its not bad. Saturday night was a little rough but I relaxed with a glass of wine and read a book. Oh, there are frogs....but its different these days. I am dating now not jumping into bed with men. This week...I have a few frogs lined up for lunch, dinner and coffee. I am taking it slooowwww.....
Oh, and thank you for those who have been concerned about my stomach. I spoke with a doctor and he wants me to go in for some testing. Can you imagine that I might have an ulcer or the onset of ulcerated colitis? My oh my....wouldn't that be a surprise?!?!......NOT! Scarily, my stomach was okay all weekend....started up again with the aggravation when the husband came home. do you see a correlation?! lol
I have spent more time flirting this past week. Next week I have a few meetings set up but they aren't sexual encounters. They are friends who may be more. Who knows but right now, they are just friends. I flirt and even had phone sex on Friday night with a guy from the past who I can't even reemember the frog name I gave him. I had liked him but MM had returned and I stopped seeing him immediately. I apologized and explained and he understood. He had a woman in his past that Rocked His World so he was understanding to my connection with MM
Thursday, July 09, 2009
A Trip To The Mediator
the mediator turned out to be ok. Actually nothing really came from it that was earth shattering. Truth is, from what he told her, I looked like shit. But here's the thing, I am the one paying for this and I refuse to sit there and discuss the bullshit on how he has been for so many years at $300 an hour. At the end it got heated as he looked like a hero because he went for counseling (I did get a moment to throw in that it was because my son and him were verbally and physically attacking each other when I would leave the house). Next time we meet, I am going to be sure to explain why I am not airing out laundry. I mean at $300 an hour, is it going to get me anything. My goal is to go there being logical and just get this done. I already have been thinking about how I am going to do it.
we actually were talking humanly to each other after. His only concern is where he is going to live and if I would find him an apartment. I actually am going to help him look so that I make sure it is acceptable for the kids to visit. He's going away with one of my children for the weekend, I chose to stay home. I need the time to catch up on work and think.
Mr. Porsche has been wonderful. We had a great lunch this week. No sex. I haven't had sex in forever! Not a lack of desire...it was that time of month. But we sat and talked and giggled and really enjoyed each other. He gets nervous about public affection so of course I riped his cock out of his pants in a main parking lot. Went down and starting sucking on it....he was dying..a man was coming to a car two cars away. I began to lift my head and he shoved it back down. I was laughing so hard, I love taking him out of his comfort zone. while we ate lunch, my foot was in his crotch. He just shakes his head and laughs at me.
Okay, I have been having setbacks. Here's the thing, MM is totally ignoring me which is making me nuts. I know, I know...why am I still contacting him but it is making me nuts that he won't even just let me know he is ok. It makes me crazier that he can see (and he might have) checked how I am doing. I miss him. I miss the sex. Rrrrrrr......
Facebook Attorney and I are meeting tomorrow for lunch. We are more friends who suck face these days. And then the guy who reminded me of MM, he told me he is getting cold feet about having an affair. I told him then it was best that he didn't. That there is some risk. Let's face it, if you never cheated, I don't advocate that you do it. In fact, I told him that I would prefer not to be the first one. Well, that made it worse. Now he decided he definitely needs to be with me. However, I decided that I don't want to be with him. Truth is, I don't need that in my life right now.
the friend my girlfriend introduced me to. I am losing interest. I know it is me at this point. I haven't been into jumping into anything (or anyone) new lately. I still browse Ashley Madison .
I enjoy reading the profiles and seeing who is out there. You never know!
And as for my girlfriend who is on there. I gotta tell ya that I am worried about her. I mean she is going wild. Totally crazy. I have done a few more men than I would have liked but she has gone insane. this week alone she screwed three men from Ashley and dated two others. Today her boyfriend came back....she had sex with him in the morning, then went to her ex's house who she swore she'd have nothing to do with just a day ago. She almost needed a restraining order against him and then she had sex with him. tonight, her boyfriend is spending the night with her. He is claiming to have to work all night so his wife won't know and spend the night with her. I don't understand what she is doing. It's as if she can't be alone for a second.
I did forget to mention one thing. I think all this pressure is getting to me.....physically. My stomach has been in pain for 6 days. Not your everyday pain.....stomach spasms each time I eat. This is getting me physically sick. Not a good thing at all. This happened two other times in my life and both times I was sick for awhile. Funny how nerves can do this to you.
we actually were talking humanly to each other after. His only concern is where he is going to live and if I would find him an apartment. I actually am going to help him look so that I make sure it is acceptable for the kids to visit. He's going away with one of my children for the weekend, I chose to stay home. I need the time to catch up on work and think.
Mr. Porsche has been wonderful. We had a great lunch this week. No sex. I haven't had sex in forever! Not a lack of desire...it was that time of month. But we sat and talked and giggled and really enjoyed each other. He gets nervous about public affection so of course I riped his cock out of his pants in a main parking lot. Went down and starting sucking on it....he was dying..a man was coming to a car two cars away. I began to lift my head and he shoved it back down. I was laughing so hard, I love taking him out of his comfort zone. while we ate lunch, my foot was in his crotch. He just shakes his head and laughs at me.
Okay, I have been having setbacks. Here's the thing, MM is totally ignoring me which is making me nuts. I know, I know...why am I still contacting him but it is making me nuts that he won't even just let me know he is ok. It makes me crazier that he can see (and he might have) checked how I am doing. I miss him. I miss the sex. Rrrrrrr......
Facebook Attorney and I are meeting tomorrow for lunch. We are more friends who suck face these days. And then the guy who reminded me of MM, he told me he is getting cold feet about having an affair. I told him then it was best that he didn't. That there is some risk. Let's face it, if you never cheated, I don't advocate that you do it. In fact, I told him that I would prefer not to be the first one. Well, that made it worse. Now he decided he definitely needs to be with me. However, I decided that I don't want to be with him. Truth is, I don't need that in my life right now.
the friend my girlfriend introduced me to. I am losing interest. I know it is me at this point. I haven't been into jumping into anything (or anyone) new lately. I still browse Ashley Madison .
I enjoy reading the profiles and seeing who is out there. You never know!
And as for my girlfriend who is on there. I gotta tell ya that I am worried about her. I mean she is going wild. Totally crazy. I have done a few more men than I would have liked but she has gone insane. this week alone she screwed three men from Ashley and dated two others. Today her boyfriend came back....she had sex with him in the morning, then went to her ex's house who she swore she'd have nothing to do with just a day ago. She almost needed a restraining order against him and then she had sex with him. tonight, her boyfriend is spending the night with her. He is claiming to have to work all night so his wife won't know and spend the night with her. I don't understand what she is doing. It's as if she can't be alone for a second.
I did forget to mention one thing. I think all this pressure is getting to me.....physically. My stomach has been in pain for 6 days. Not your everyday pain.....stomach spasms each time I eat. This is getting me physically sick. Not a good thing at all. This happened two other times in my life and both times I was sick for awhile. Funny how nerves can do this to you.
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Reality is sinking in....
Probably the worst thing I could do was have read one of those romance books. You know, the one where the sex is amazing and the man adores the woman, love so deep, lovemaking so intense. Oh, how I yearn to be loved and to love with such desire....to be held and wanted and to make love to someone with such a passion. Is this only something that exists in romance books? I truly do not know anyone who has such a life....
So now I sat by my big window on my lounging chair....that's why I had put that chair there and I had built this little area, realizing, I have never used it. Today I sat and thought...can I truly do this alone because that is what I would be alone. Alone to juggle the three children, alone to pay the mortgage, get up at night and then there is my work...I would have to work even harder to keep this life together. Damn, how I wish my marriage had worked out. Tears roll down my face...I am scared.....part of me wants to just leave and escape it all. Am I dreaming of happiness and it doesn't exist? The tears begin to flow uncontrollably as I look out the window...and the phone rings.
It is the divorce attorney. The man has such balls calling me on a Sunday afternoon but honestly, I welcome the interruption now. I told him I made the appointment for the mediator. He offers to meet me today to talk about it but I know what he really wants. I hint to him that how ironic I have him as a friend and you haven't helped me at all. His help sucks....he says that we are going to have to share the proceeds of the house. I don't like that. If I am the one who is going to suffer the next 30 years paying this mortgage...he deserves nothing especially since his share of child support will not even hit $1,000 a month. It just doesn't seem fair this law.
I told him I would probably be a shut in...that I won't have much time to get out and my life will change and at first not for the better. Well I will have to come over and hold you and we can watch tv and fool around when your kids go to sleep. And then you can go out and fool around with other men and tell me all about it. A strange thing....he likes to hear about other men. I laughed and he began telling me that he was lying there thinking about me with a super hard cock and that all he can think about is doing me. I close my door....I pulled down my pants, that's what I needed....a little balance.....doing circles on my clit, I told him that I imagined myself sitting by the window masturbating as he came in and saw me on the lounging chair....in front of the big picture window he comes in and thrusts his cock deep inside of me. Doing circles, I could feel myself climaxing about to orgasm and for him that's all he needed to climax. At the same time, you could hear us both moan. And then I began to giggle...less than three minutes ago, I was sitting in front of this window declaring a new nunhood for myself and the phone rung and here I am....cumming and making someone else cum.....too funny.
Well his call was perfect timing. It was what I needed to get my mind back on track. I am dreading getting the financial stuff together and lying everything out for the mediator tomorrow. My son keeps asking where we are going...I dread telling people. I dread telling my son. This sucks but I need to be happy. I want my freedom. I guess freedom comes at a high cost. I just hope I am not going to be stuck in all the time, working and taking care of the kids. Oh this truly sucks. I need to get my shit together.
So now I sat by my big window on my lounging chair....that's why I had put that chair there and I had built this little area, realizing, I have never used it. Today I sat and thought...can I truly do this alone because that is what I would be alone. Alone to juggle the three children, alone to pay the mortgage, get up at night and then there is my work...I would have to work even harder to keep this life together. Damn, how I wish my marriage had worked out. Tears roll down my face...I am scared.....part of me wants to just leave and escape it all. Am I dreaming of happiness and it doesn't exist? The tears begin to flow uncontrollably as I look out the window...and the phone rings.
It is the divorce attorney. The man has such balls calling me on a Sunday afternoon but honestly, I welcome the interruption now. I told him I made the appointment for the mediator. He offers to meet me today to talk about it but I know what he really wants. I hint to him that how ironic I have him as a friend and you haven't helped me at all. His help sucks....he says that we are going to have to share the proceeds of the house. I don't like that. If I am the one who is going to suffer the next 30 years paying this mortgage...he deserves nothing especially since his share of child support will not even hit $1,000 a month. It just doesn't seem fair this law.
I told him I would probably be a shut in...that I won't have much time to get out and my life will change and at first not for the better. Well I will have to come over and hold you and we can watch tv and fool around when your kids go to sleep. And then you can go out and fool around with other men and tell me all about it. A strange thing....he likes to hear about other men. I laughed and he began telling me that he was lying there thinking about me with a super hard cock and that all he can think about is doing me. I close my door....I pulled down my pants, that's what I needed....a little balance.....doing circles on my clit, I told him that I imagined myself sitting by the window masturbating as he came in and saw me on the lounging chair....in front of the big picture window he comes in and thrusts his cock deep inside of me. Doing circles, I could feel myself climaxing about to orgasm and for him that's all he needed to climax. At the same time, you could hear us both moan. And then I began to giggle...less than three minutes ago, I was sitting in front of this window declaring a new nunhood for myself and the phone rung and here I am....cumming and making someone else cum.....too funny.
Well his call was perfect timing. It was what I needed to get my mind back on track. I am dreading getting the financial stuff together and lying everything out for the mediator tomorrow. My son keeps asking where we are going...I dread telling people. I dread telling my son. This sucks but I need to be happy. I want my freedom. I guess freedom comes at a high cost. I just hope I am not going to be stuck in all the time, working and taking care of the kids. Oh this truly sucks. I need to get my shit together.
Friday, July 03, 2009
A Busy Day
It's rare when I take off from work and hang with the kids. Today I decided to do just that. If I am going to be alone..I am going to have to do that more often. So I decided, today was the perfect day to start. We began with some major outlet shopping. I have always been one to splurge when I was sad. And today, I did just that. Of course, it didn't help but it was fun walking around with the kids and shopping. Ironically, the outlets are a town away from MM.
I knew I wasn't going to see him. But it got me thinking.....thinking how he hadn't answered any of my last emails. Thinking how he judged me so.....I mean here is a man who lied to me about his name and allowed me to continue to call him that during sex. Who should really be mad here? I know, let the past go....but the anger comes from how he controlled so many things. Down to him seeing me squirm and cry when he chose to say goodby without any warning. Basically leaving me dazed and confused..that wasn't closure for me....it took awhile to sink in....no chance for rebuttal, no chance for discussion. I guess anger comes up at times when you think back on things and today was one of those days. Like the rug got pulled out from you. Rrr...now here is the part I would tell you an irrational thought I had BUT remember, he still controls me in a bizarre way. He could read my blog whenever he wants. He can catch up on my life whenever he wants...once again, I have no control except to stop writing and I refuse. BTW, the irrational thought, for the record, I am not ever going to do....lol Back to the day...
We went to a famous Italian restaurant. I needed special seating so I went up to the owner....and for the first time, I got tongue tied, got lost in my trend of thought and got mesmerized by these deep, dark, gorgeous black eyes. How embarrassing, this has never ever happened to me. This guy was just like I like them....tall, dark and handsome. I looked like shit so I didn't expect him to respond...he did with a smile but part of me thinks that he is used to women getting lost in his eyes. Dimples and a smile and deep, deep eyes. I got my special setting, actually a special table in the back..the VIP table and he bought me a glass of wine. But he was being polite. I will return one night looking hot.
I came home and my text rang. The fireman re-appeared. Here's the thing, I was sick but he didn't know that. He appears and disappears. I hate when men do that. Actually, I guess if MM didn't play that game I might tolerate it from others just a little bit but that is now at the top of my list of hate things. Men do that and it is annoying. The surgeon.....at 2AM the other night..hey are you up? Well I was but I didn't feel like dealing with him, so I ignored him. So now the fireman....well I wrote him nicely....call me next week. until we meet, I don't want to chat on text.
So another night and I am beat. Time for bed......sweat dreams. this inner soul searching I have been doing is sooooo tiring...lol
I knew I wasn't going to see him. But it got me thinking.....thinking how he hadn't answered any of my last emails. Thinking how he judged me so.....I mean here is a man who lied to me about his name and allowed me to continue to call him that during sex. Who should really be mad here? I know, let the past go....but the anger comes from how he controlled so many things. Down to him seeing me squirm and cry when he chose to say goodby without any warning. Basically leaving me dazed and confused..that wasn't closure for me....it took awhile to sink in....no chance for rebuttal, no chance for discussion. I guess anger comes up at times when you think back on things and today was one of those days. Like the rug got pulled out from you. Rrr...now here is the part I would tell you an irrational thought I had BUT remember, he still controls me in a bizarre way. He could read my blog whenever he wants. He can catch up on my life whenever he wants...once again, I have no control except to stop writing and I refuse. BTW, the irrational thought, for the record, I am not ever going to do....lol Back to the day...
We went to a famous Italian restaurant. I needed special seating so I went up to the owner....and for the first time, I got tongue tied, got lost in my trend of thought and got mesmerized by these deep, dark, gorgeous black eyes. How embarrassing, this has never ever happened to me. This guy was just like I like them....tall, dark and handsome. I looked like shit so I didn't expect him to respond...he did with a smile but part of me thinks that he is used to women getting lost in his eyes. Dimples and a smile and deep, deep eyes. I got my special setting, actually a special table in the back..the VIP table and he bought me a glass of wine. But he was being polite. I will return one night looking hot.
I came home and my text rang. The fireman re-appeared. Here's the thing, I was sick but he didn't know that. He appears and disappears. I hate when men do that. Actually, I guess if MM didn't play that game I might tolerate it from others just a little bit but that is now at the top of my list of hate things. Men do that and it is annoying. The surgeon.....at 2AM the other night..hey are you up? Well I was but I didn't feel like dealing with him, so I ignored him. So now the fireman....well I wrote him nicely....call me next week. until we meet, I don't want to chat on text.
So another night and I am beat. Time for bed......sweat dreams. this inner soul searching I have been doing is sooooo tiring...lol
Thursday, July 02, 2009
The Courage Will Outweigh the Scared
Yes, Rosie, your words have sat with me. How will I know when the time was right? How will I know when I have had more than enough? How will I know? What will push me to make the move? And today was the day....it finally came!
Tired of being gropped while I sleep and being woken startled. Realizing that I dread closing my eyes at night...tired of the bullshit, the lack of everything, the anger I feel inside.....TIRED! And when I brought up him gropping me again....he denied (badly) and then said...well I receive no attention and you forgot about your marriage. WHAT?!?!?!! Did you forget why I forgot about my marriage?!! So this is all about you?!? A divorce--I have no place to go! So the truth (as a suspected came out)..I am not living in a crappy apartment...I have to look out for me, no one else looks out for me. THERE WERE THE WORDS....THE FINAL WORDS. Yes, the world is about you. Not about the kids, not about our children...but how this is going to affect you!!!!!!
I have been planning to go to a mediator.....where honestly I will get the raw end of the deal. I was even thinking that i would take on most of the debt, the mortgage and give him money to get an apartment. That the money he would give to me actually would pay for groceries...that is it....no roof, no nothing. I actually heard a judge forced a man to get a second job to make pay his wife more. There was no reason why he couldn't.....and honestly, I truly believe a judge would make him considering how many jobs I am working to keep the house afloat and my kids situation. But I was thinking of all ways to make this work...amicable....so he can find a place where he could have the kids over.....so we can be as friendly as possible. It doesn't have to be a total disaster....I just truly want to be alone. Scary thing, I might turn into a shut in. Especially if he is going to be a deadbeat dad.
And then the truth comes out......he is a child. Wow is he!! Not worried about his poor children...just himself and that I am going to screw him. If I was going to screw him, I would have gotten a lawyer and served him papers and we could fight it out in court. Money we don't have. ANGER...FURY......I can't live like this anymore....I am going to die!! I can't take another second, I don't care what happens, I don't care anymore.....I NEED OUT OF THIS!! And so...the courage outweighted the scared person. And I called the mediator and made an appointment and called the accountant and he's coming over tonight and called about the lien that was on the house to get the paperwork that I needed because I satisfied the judgement. Yes, it was all done. The ball was rolling. Monday at 9:30AM....we have an appointment with the mediator.
Tired of being gropped while I sleep and being woken startled. Realizing that I dread closing my eyes at night...tired of the bullshit, the lack of everything, the anger I feel inside.....TIRED! And when I brought up him gropping me again....he denied (badly) and then said...well I receive no attention and you forgot about your marriage. WHAT?!?!?!! Did you forget why I forgot about my marriage?!! So this is all about you?!? A divorce--I have no place to go! So the truth (as a suspected came out)..I am not living in a crappy apartment...I have to look out for me, no one else looks out for me. THERE WERE THE WORDS....THE FINAL WORDS. Yes, the world is about you. Not about the kids, not about our children...but how this is going to affect you!!!!!!
I have been planning to go to a mediator.....where honestly I will get the raw end of the deal. I was even thinking that i would take on most of the debt, the mortgage and give him money to get an apartment. That the money he would give to me actually would pay for groceries...that is it....no roof, no nothing. I actually heard a judge forced a man to get a second job to make pay his wife more. There was no reason why he couldn't.....and honestly, I truly believe a judge would make him considering how many jobs I am working to keep the house afloat and my kids situation. But I was thinking of all ways to make this work...amicable....so he can find a place where he could have the kids over.....so we can be as friendly as possible. It doesn't have to be a total disaster....I just truly want to be alone. Scary thing, I might turn into a shut in. Especially if he is going to be a deadbeat dad.
And then the truth comes out......he is a child. Wow is he!! Not worried about his poor children...just himself and that I am going to screw him. If I was going to screw him, I would have gotten a lawyer and served him papers and we could fight it out in court. Money we don't have. ANGER...FURY......I can't live like this anymore....I am going to die!! I can't take another second, I don't care what happens, I don't care anymore.....I NEED OUT OF THIS!! And so...the courage outweighted the scared person. And I called the mediator and made an appointment and called the accountant and he's coming over tonight and called about the lien that was on the house to get the paperwork that I needed because I satisfied the judgement. Yes, it was all done. The ball was rolling. Monday at 9:30AM....we have an appointment with the mediator.
Men
A simple title for a complex species. Amazing how I can never figure out any of them. Mr. P left town but before he left, he sent me this mushy poem online (I haven't written a poem in so long now that I think about it). It was very sweet and basically said how much he cared about me and how he looks forwarding to seeing me. He didn't write it but he's not a man to write poetry so he took the time to find this and that meant a lot. He's gone now and the separation is probably good for us (okay its good for me).
So its 3:27AM and I am up. Yup..hubby's night time touching while I am sleeping. I woke up startled and actually dreaming about frogs. A deep sexual dream with two or three past frogs in it. The balls on this man when I discussed with him about going to a mediator yesterday and tonight. Is he that stupid to realize that he is just speeding up the process....tomorrow I schedule the appointment, I can't take it. Ironically, tonight, he worked late...my help was gone and I actually had a fantastic evening with my kids. All three in one room and all four of us hanging together.
the guy my friend introduced me to...we spoke again today. I am not sure what he is looking for and right now I cannot give a hell of a lot. I also spoke to that single guy who I feel is too needy and I want to fix him up with a single girl I know.....the point being they both said the same thing. That I am so easy to talk to. That something lures them back to call me. That my personality and voice is so sexy. I guess I do give good email and good chat. But could I if I wasn't married? Would I let the walls stay down? I think so..I hope so....
I am going to try and get back to sleep. If I stay up, I will be a wreck in the morning. Truth is, the kids have been sick and so have I been. We had the swine flu I think. All the symptoms down to the cough at the end. My little one has been having uncontrollable nose bleeds and I almost ran twice to the emergency room. And I , have been sleeping like crazy. For me that is rare so you know I am sick.
So its 3:27AM and I am up. Yup..hubby's night time touching while I am sleeping. I woke up startled and actually dreaming about frogs. A deep sexual dream with two or three past frogs in it. The balls on this man when I discussed with him about going to a mediator yesterday and tonight. Is he that stupid to realize that he is just speeding up the process....tomorrow I schedule the appointment, I can't take it. Ironically, tonight, he worked late...my help was gone and I actually had a fantastic evening with my kids. All three in one room and all four of us hanging together.
the guy my friend introduced me to...we spoke again today. I am not sure what he is looking for and right now I cannot give a hell of a lot. I also spoke to that single guy who I feel is too needy and I want to fix him up with a single girl I know.....the point being they both said the same thing. That I am so easy to talk to. That something lures them back to call me. That my personality and voice is so sexy. I guess I do give good email and good chat. But could I if I wasn't married? Would I let the walls stay down? I think so..I hope so....
I am going to try and get back to sleep. If I stay up, I will be a wreck in the morning. Truth is, the kids have been sick and so have I been. We had the swine flu I think. All the symptoms down to the cough at the end. My little one has been having uncontrollable nose bleeds and I almost ran twice to the emergency room. And I , have been sleeping like crazy. For me that is rare so you know I am sick.
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