For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”

Hey Baby,

This is a very hard note for me to write. I usually don’t walk away from things when I know it is right. I knew you were headed for a really rough, rough road but I was willing to take that journey with you. I am used to rollercoasters in life and the joy,the fun and the connection we found -was worth the ride. But after Friday night, I realize now that you really do want to do it on your own.

I have been dating for awhile and never let someone in like I let you in. Why? Because there is just something there that was so special. I found this quote that touches on it….
“Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.”
Alexander Smith

The connection we found doesn’t come every day and it’s a hard thing to let go of. It’s hard to slow down something that feels so good. And now it is scary that we found something we may never find again. It’s scary that it is going to totally die, we are going to drift and we will never find each other again. But timing is everything and as much as it hurts—I guess we are going to have to let it lie there and always wonder what potential we had. Who knows, maybe we will find each other again, the timing will be right and we will have saved something special. Only time will tell.

I will tell you-I loved what we had these past two months. You made me feel so special. You made me feel alive, you made my body sing. Our kisses are kisses I never felt before. You have taught me it exists, and that I should never settle for less of a kiss or connection. Our rocking, our deep conversations, our sexual connection, our laughs, our similarities, the tub, your oral skills, you knowing how to make me cum, the shower, “yeah yeah”, our being the same person…lol, you knowing what I am thinking…..it was amazing! We never got to share a cream cheese and jelly sandwich though. We had so much in such a short period of time. Who knows, maybe we will be The Notebook.

My heart aches that you don’t want me there for you now. Promise me, you won’t disappear into that darkness. Promise me, you will try to look at the positive and have hope….and I promise you that it is going to work out if you fight the darkness. You have so much potential, I wish you believed in yourself. So, I am including two sheets of quotes….one, to remind you of what we had and how special it was and the other, to remind you of how much potential you have and to hopefully give you some support to help you find yourself.

I don’t want to say good by. I am glad we at least ended in an okay place, and I realized last night we both had the same fears and concerns. We can try and talk sometimes, if it doesn’t hurt too much.

I care a lot about you. I hope you find what you are looking for…

Xoxo

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”



If Our Stars Align…Look out to the horizon,
A whole world lies beyond
The path of life shall guide you
And move you swiftly on,
There’s new things to discover
And unseen sights to see
The road stretches before you
No one knows just how far,
And whatever may befall you
Just remember who you are
If others try to change you,
Think who you want to be,
You’ll find you’ve reached your limit,
When you can go no more,
And you’ll always have our memories
Of good times we’ve had before
So when you’ve done with what you need to do,
And you remember the lost connection we had was key
Hopefully, we will be in the same place at that time and
And begin a new journey for you and me.
You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”

I don't pretend to know what a special connection is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; connecting is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, connecting is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, connecting is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”

A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself. Jim Morrison

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”

“Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.” Alexander Smith

If you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours, if it doesn’t it never was.
Or a version I thought you might like….If you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours, if it doesn’t, hunt it down and kill it…(I had to add a little giggle! Lol)

If At First You Don’t Succeed.
Failure doesn’t mean – “You are a failure,”
It means – You just didn’t succeed at that one thing.

It doesn’t mean– “You accomplished nothing,”
It means – You have learned something.

It doesn’t mean – “You have been a fool,”
It means – You had a lot of faith.

It doesn’t mean – “You don’t have it,”
It means – You were willing to try.

It doesn’t mean – “You are inferior,”
It means – You are not perfect.

It doesn’t mean – “You’ve wasted your life,”
It means – You have a reason to start afresh.

It doesn’t mean – “You should give up,”
It means – “You must try harder.

It doesn’t mean – “You’ll never make it,”
It means – It will take a little longer.

It doesn’t mean – “God has abandoned you,”
It means – God has a better way for you.

People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates. ~Thomas Szasz, "Personal Conduct," The Second Sin, 1973

Never mind searching for who you are. Search for the person you aspire to be. ~Robert Brault,

Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.~Dr. Alexis Carrel

If you can go through life without experiencing pain you probably haven’t been born yet. ~Neil Simon

If you aren't sure who you are, you might as well work on who you want to be. ~Robert Brault,

Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy. Norman Vincent Peale

The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself. Mark Caine

We make the world we live in and shape our own environment. Orison Swett Marden

Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present.

Ideas shape the course of history. John Maynard Keynes

Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start.
Nido Qubein

“But there is suffering in life & there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for.”

“You are the Fate of Your Own Destiny”-

Deviant Sex

I have come to the conclusion that Mr. Porsche and I definitely have deviant sex. It's bordering S&M. I have been in a real funk. I am miserable about myself. My appearance, my emotions, my life. Mr. Porsche sensed it today. Amazing how I tried to be upbeat but he said there was something in my voice that he can sense my sadness. I guess when you know someone for so long, you can tell their mood just by their hello. we were going to meet tomorrow but he moved it up to today. And now, I am glad.

Sex with Mr. Porsche, while normal for us, certainly has a different flava. When I am uptight...I always like to start by sucking his cock. Something about it relaxes me and takes me away. I love to see if I can get his entire cock in my mouth down to his balls. Today, I was successful. Deep sucks and lowering him deeper and deeper into my throat avoiding a gag reflex. Yum!! Amazing how the gag reflex relaxes more and more with practice.

Next, he loves to make me cum. I shaved my pussy except for a little strip. He took out the bag of ammunition and I knew I was going to cum and cum hard. A vibrator in my pussy and then he starts counting down as he is tightly twisting my nippples. When he starts to count, I feel the pressure and lose the orgasm....crap, but then he decides a bullet up my ass will put me over the edge. Well, I honestly can say it makes me feel like a pinball machine....all if a sudden there are sparks going all throughout my head...TILT...TILT....TILT....and my whole body loses control. But he doesn't stop there, he keeps going which makes me a little uncomfortable, borderline of pain, fear...I don't know but he holds me down to make me cum again. Now I am convulsing on the bed.

He's been talking about a woman joining us lately. As we all know, I am not there. Not what I really want but if it turns him on, its worth the talking. He fucks me with my legs in the air and then he turns me around. For some rear entry action. Slow and steady wins the race and that was exactly what it was. There's one point where I am not sure I can continue but that feeling slowly turns into pure pleasure. And he just keeps going until I cum again.

I collapse on the bed...we take a break and then I go back to giving him a handjob and using our prostate toy on him. Oh, I forgot to mention that he used it on me..we now own two! One doesn't have vibration (that is mine). Kind of cute...matching his and her anal toys....something every couple should own! Well this time, I can feel his prostate and he moans when I hit it. And then I go to town...just massaging it enough that is it driving him wild. He cums and he cums hard and then it stopped and he came some more. Holy crap, that prostate massager does do a number on him. Now Mr. P loves to be in control. So while he laughs and loves the feeling, it blows his mind that he is so out of control. A feeling he has never felt before.

We don't have a lot of time. We lie there and talk a little. He massages my neck and tries to get me to relax. I definitely felt better after one of our sessions. I started writing this on Thursday and finishing it now. Tonight I am not feeling so great. Mentally and physically, I am drained. I am definitely depressed. I am feeling very alone. There are actually no frogs in the pond or I should say I have thrown out all the frogs in the pond. Mr. Rockstar, I ignored his text. Mr. Cableman is not what I want. Mr. Divorce Attorney and Mr. Myspace Attorney, I ignored their texts. And that is it. I am alone because I am really choosing to be alone. Not sure how I feel about it. I just know I should be doing work and I can't. I am soooo tired lately. I just want to sleep and sleep. things keep breaking in the house, I fixed them today but I am drained. Heading to bed, heading to sleep. I seem to be focusing on happier days right now.

What happens if that is it? Do you ever think that we have an allotted amount of good times in life? What happens if I used mine all up already? I mean what happens if I am never satisfied again as I was a few years ago. A high unlike any high..what happens if I don't feel that high again? Okay, I am getting very deep. I guess exhaustion can do that to you.....worries and worries.

Sweet dreams!!

A Key To Your Private Showcase-- YUM!!

I find when I am depressed and bordering total frustration and anger...I turn to Ashley. It's liberating, addicting and quite frankly...I want to get laid. Simple as that, hot sex...I need it and I need it bad. Mystery Man's absence has left me empty. This time, he is gone. I am angry. So I am tired of turning to the cake for empty calories and absolutely no satisfaction.

I am hitting the gym again tomorrow. I am starting to get my damn life in order. AND....I am starting over. Yes, drastic measures need to be taken here. I am falling deeper and deeper into a depression and I need to stop this free falling. I have to confess one thing....if I knew it was going to hurt this much when he left, if I knew that I was going to feel such a void so deep and for so long --I should have never started this. Then of course I think about the flashbacks and I wouldn't give one second up that we had. I guess right now the hurt is just not subsiding. I miss our rendezvous, I miss our emails...while I didn't know him, I did..parts of him that I cared about.

Okay, so what do you do when you are feeling like this? Your heart profusely bleeding with heartache....you grab some gauze pads and bandaids....You head to the Ashley Madison search.....

Yup! Tonight I went wild!!!!! Looked for all the damn hotties and all the men that were kind of cute and had nice profiles. Yup!! I went on a Private Showcase Key Hunt! 20 men!! Yes, 20 men.

My girlfriend has been going wild on there. She has had a date each night this week with a different man. It's amazing. I wonder if our standards are different? She is finding all these great men....she's juggling them all like a pro. And it amazes me how she is having fun with so many of them.

I want one good frog. One frog that is intelligent, sweet, quick witted and very sexual. I found it once, there's gotta be another one on there for a long term fling. I'm not looking for love..I am looking for passion, desire, hot sex!!!!!!!!!!!

So I will let ya know how the Private Keys turn out! Yes, its reckless time.....I am on a mission..but for now, I am going to crawl up on my couch right now and have a good cry...the tears are already flowing as I am typing...Overworked, underpaid, lonely is a suck feeling.

God Bless The Frogs Today, The Venom Was Flying

Okay, I admit it. Today I was in rare form. Any male who came within inches of me felt the bite of my venom....yes, it had to be me today because I was at in rare form. First, Security Man....I finally figured it out about him. His sarcasm is bordering insulting at times, or its not insulting as it is designed to get a rise out of me. Well have you noticed lately, I have had more than enough drama in my life so when I finally hit it on the head---for a man who requested no drama--he was being the King Of Drama. So I finally said...listen you are working hard to get a rise out of me today but it isn't going to work....you love drama don't you? Well I hit a nerve, but now I went for it. Look, my life is drama..if you need drama, hang with your wife. I am not into any more in my life. He was shocked. And then he apologized and the emails took a nicer but definitely different tone. I don't know, since MM is gone...I haven't really wanted to see him.. as if I am blaming him for MM leaving but that isn't the truth. It was me.

Mr. P certainly didn't get away from the venom. We were working great together and suddenly we came to a roadblock. Oh it hit a nerve and I began to discuss it intensely with him and then he said something and I could feel the volcano eruption occurring.....when I get like that....I can't explain it....I can feel the anger about to explode....when I get like that, I just hang up on him. It's the easiest and safest thing for both of us. He knows me so well (and now I am laughing but I wasn't then)....he waits a little bit and then will call back and calmly talk to me, beginning with ....somehow we got discounted, can you believe it!?! And then he will say--the answer is NO, you are still going to work with me, I need you. We then usually will start on neutral ground and we work it out. It's hard, so emotionally close to the situation its tough to not want to see him progress quickly.

Next Round....one more client. The doctor from Ashley who became my client. Similiar situation today, he was going to handle it. Okay...fine I said. However, when I got to his office, the right players were there and the end result was great. No problems...

Final Round...the hubby. Last night he made a comment under his breath "I can't wait to get the fuck out of here". Well, I waited till tonight..when something else came up. And I finally said you can't wait to get the fuck out....GO!!!! It was getting ugly....oh and if you think I am going to come back like the guy across the street and take care of the kids for you, its not happening. Aaah....of course not, I can't get you to take care of them now....you wouldn't be a good dad, I knew that...please....

So today, I was a fighter not a lover. Except for the hubby, the others were fights that ended in good ways. The hubby, well trust me, he is showing his true colors. He's only here because he can't afford to leave. That is the reality..

And, throw all this crap....somehow I miss MM....I think the anger is here. The anger he would just leave....double damn standard...no response from him after I wrote....he gave me what I needed...I make one mistake...a blog...and he is in total uproar.

So....today was an emotionally draining day.....I just want to cry. Oh, good news...my friend finally arrived so I guess I should cancel the appearance on the Maury show....lol

An Empty Crater In My Heart

I started the day off in a real bad way. Feeling overworked and sad and ALONE. I have worked like a dog today and I feel so unappreciated. A client calls today-yes, the one who made me cry. All of a sudden he was sweeter than sugar. He needed me for something. Yes, it's this one client that truly takes advantage and works me to the bone.

My phone rang again. It was a friend who had bad news....my child's friend had died in their sleep. Secret Lovers Lane is not a place for kids, but with my life entwining so lately....and my emotions in flux..my different parts of my life are crossing. A sinking feeling and tears filled my eyes. With out getting into detail, we all dedicate our lives to our children....however, with a child with severe disabilities....the dedication is tremendous. You give your heart, your soul, your life...my heart ached for this mom today. And I have not been able to get this child's face out of my head. A child who was always happy and smiling and always filled my heart with warmth when I saw him. This child was extremely special demonstrating amazing strength with so much working against him. So I have a wake next week that is going to be heart wrenching.

The rest of the day, I threw myself into my work. Trying not to come out of it but the emptiness was so deep that it actually hurt. My chest hurts today. I kind of looked around and said What am I doing? I work like crazy to pay for a house, doing a job that I am underpaid for and stuck in a marriage that is loveless and not able to spend quality time with my children. Something
isn't right here.

And then....Mystery Man came to my head. Yes, my heart is aching for him too. How I wish that I could run to him and just get lost in his arms. How I can see us lying together as I gently kiss his face from his lips to his ear and so gently back again. How flashbacks of us fucking from behind as I look up at him and I can feel our souls connect and he would smile and throw me a kiss in the mirror. I don't know how we can leave that behind.....how I realize now how he was my escape from it all. How our bodies just melded together and our souls healed each other. I have held myself back all night from sending him an email...just saying I had to let you know, I Miss You So Much Tonight. But I didn't send it.

the truth is I don't even want to go upstairs tonight. The tears are finally falling now and I am not sure exaclty why I am crying. I think its the just the whole ball of wax...hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I haven't felt like this in a long time.....a definite depression. Sweet Dreams My Friend!!

Afraid of Getting Old and All Stressed!

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The Torture Has Ended

Spoiled? Only Child Syndrome? As Curious George would say...he wouldn't want to play with me in Kindergarten..I was probably a horrible sharer. Actually I am a very giving person...but I guess I like the one on one thing.

I acted like a pouting baby today. Long Distance Lover had met the girl he has been with today...and well I pouted. I have absolutely no right to....I was happy for him but I was soooooo envious that he wasn't in my arms. I worked and worked and worked...trying not to think about him in her arms (and in her). It was actually torture...I decided I don't want to know anymore when he is meeting her. I felt like I was waiting for an execution or something. Finally, he emails me.

The pouting begins....I was so mad at myself...how could I let this get to me? I don't even know him....I have frogs all over the place. Selfish, very selfish. He called me and well he knew from my texts that I wasn't Miss Sunshine but I answered and tried to put up a front. Well, he said all the right things considering the situation. In conclusion, I dont want him to give her up...we haven't even met. But I also don't want to know when the act is occurring...it was torture.

I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground with him...but it is really hard. He is caring, he is sweet, he is so damn cute....he makes my heart flutter. I love that new romance feeling. I love that flirting and giggling and excitement. I can talk to him forever...I just enjoy him so damn much.

And what I like the best...is that I am me. I am not being something he needs me to be. I am not holding back in fear that he won't be able to handle my emotional overload.....Yes, I love to lavish someone in exciting emails. Yes, I like to tell him how special he is and how much I want to do him during the day.

Aah! I hope this works out. I am truly enjoying him. Mystery Man? Who is that? (hee.hee)