Fog....that's explains it.....exhaustion......depression......sadness.

Ironically this was my horoscope for the day:
Something seems unclear to you, but it's actually tougher than that: It's an illusion. You may not know what it's hiding for quite some time, but if you operate under the assumption that it's unreal, you should do fine.

And then I thought about my life and it seems so much of it is an illusion....my whole secret life seems and feels sometimes like it is a dream....I mean I function daily so normally...well, for me normal is in super high drive. The two worlds run parallel that I live. I have always strived for the half full concept (probably to keep my sanity)...ever have those days where it is hard to see the good because you feel like it is all hardship lying around you.

First, I am glad I wasn't a doctor. Sitting in the hospital and seeing so many elderly, frail and barely coherent people who are just waiting to die. I came home last night and my neighbor was outside and I saw an aide there. Her husband has been deteroriating... alzheimers just took over his mind....his wife said to me.....it's time...he doesn't want to eat anymore...we had a good life. She's ready for him to die. Now if the man was 80....I can see it. But he is 59. Geez....what a scary concept. I didn't want to say it to her but she thinks he is going to die from starvation? Unless she literally refuses to allow him medical treatment, he will get so dehydrated they will hospitalize him. Hence the intravenous and quite frankly, his organs are strong....sooooooo....I fear she is in for a long road of hardship....

I had left MM a message, he emailed me back that night...said I sounded so sad. I guess sometimes its hard to hide that sadness. He wrote me a long, long note...extremely nice yet honest probably more honest and open than we have ever been. I wrote back war and peace...proposed that we begin again....as who we are..no illusions. No response to the note.

Security Man....well, when all this happened with MM, I lost something there. I have totally cooled it off. Funny, you would have thought I would go running to him. Nope, I went the other way...strange?

So do men get sad? I don't think they do....I was talking about it with my girlfriend. I've never heard a man say....I am sad. Sad....that three letter word speaks volumnes for a woman. Such a difference between the sexes, a wonder we can even communicate at times.

Sexually Satisfying And I wasn't Horny!

Thanks Hale for the cartoon.....hahahahah...


It was hard for me to push myself out of the house today...but I did. My job requires tons of smiles and somehow, someway, I was able to produce them. The world never knows how empty I feel sometimes inside. I always look like I don't have a care in the world.....hahaha Suprisingly, it turned out to be an okay day.



My meeting yesterday went better than I had anticipated....calls of action came in. So that was good. And my dad, he looked better. Only downfall, my meeting today went great but I was going to take tomorrow off to relax but I got roped into another big meeting (which I have to prepare for tonight)....UGH!

I called Mr. Porsche and told him I wasn't going to be much fun today. That I wasn't even in the mood for sex. Mind you, we haven't been together in almost a month I think. "And, our scheduling will never work today" I said. Well, you know him. He wouldn't accept that answer. He called me back..."I just cleared my afternoon so scheduling isn't a problem and we can just hang out if you don't want to do anything. I would like to see you. Go do what you have to do, visit your dad and whenever you can, we will meet". He's such a good guy. He knows exactly how to handle me....my minor temper tantrums where all I need is a little attention, someone to just show they care a little....he's good at that. So I agreed to meet him.



I thought about it. Damn MM. He's in my head. I'm feeling slutty because of him....I am hesitating to write because I don't want him to know what I am doing....I don't want to hurt him....ever. And then the reality came to me. I was afraid the sex was not going to be as good as it always was with MM. Honestly, its always been different. MM is hot. MM was something I will probably never experience again...he knew just how to do me and make me orgasm...he knew my buttons, I would see him opening the door and I would get wet. Animal magnetism explained us best I think. Hot, intense, never a moment I didn't want to rip his clothes off. I found him so damn sexy with his clothes on.....mmm.....okay, gotta stop.



I met Mr. Porsche and he met me at the door with a smile and his arms open. He knew I needed a hug and there were those arms to hold me. I took a deep breath....and felt safe, comforted and protected. Yes, I needed to see him. He kissed me so gently...he knew that I needed relaxation, balance, to unstress....he decided to do some mediatation/hypnotism to me. You know he likes to control...and he went to a course on it for weeks to learn how to do it. Lets just say I am an easy subject. Oh he didn't have me clucking like a chicken (I warned him I would not be happy about that) but it was more of a relaxed state. So, we did naked hypnotism....lol



I sat down on the couch and he did some funky thing and then he does these visualizing things....imagine walking down a dark, spiral staircase....at the end is a calm, safe haven. You choose your own haven kind of.....mine has a lake with blue skies and swans and flowers and white fluffy clouds and he threw in green apples....lol

That is my subconscious cue word and it works...now most people do the clucking of the chicken thing, he actually was working on me to relax me and or me to have the ultimate orgasm to release all my stress....and when I hear the word green apples, it should make me horny (and I am a sucker because it works!!!) Ironically we didn't have physical contact for a long time...his raspy voice was in my head, having me travel down that staircase.....to my safe haven. He had me masturbating but was telling me to hold off to cum....the more I rubbed my clit, the more I wanted to cum but couldn't....finally he said Cum for me.....and my whole body orgasmed.



I laid on the bed and we did the hypnotizing again.....and this time we had sex...played with some toys, sucked on his cock and some anal action. I can't go into detail. I am finding it hard to write in my blog today about this. With Mr. Porsche its the whole event...not just the sex. Actually the sex plays a less of a role with us....he gets off by pleasing me and honestly...he usually comes at the end. Its more of a control thing with him. I can't explain it. It's not the sexual act exactly.....

I admit it. MM popped into my head a few times. I had always kept everything so compartmentalized in my life . Each man brought something else to my life. So this was a shocker that he was appearing in my head....crap. Now this is stupid but I feared that it would come out somehow in my hypnotizing about MM. But it didn't. Actually, Mr. P and I had a long talk once about other men (as I had a discussion with MM too) and both said they did not want to know. Mr. Porsche went on to add that if someone else made me happy, he would be okay with me being with him. "I want you to be happy" OF course, I see that changes if someone finds out so I am not mentioning it to him.



Security Man....I didn't answer his emails today. I just didn't feel like it. Geez, I think I need a vacation...hahahahaha

Asexual--where has my desire gone?

Numb. Usually I am filled with energy and excitement. You know, the half full thing is always in the forefront, at least I try for it to be. This week--nothing. The last few days I have no desire to do any work.....I've been throwing myself in bed. The hubby even seems to be worried, he straightened up an area of the house I have been asking him to do for two years now. So there is the half full I guess. But I barely have spoken around here.

I had my big meeting yesterday with the government. I didn't win. I got a few things but what I really wanted they were adamant about. I looked them in the eye said, ok, let's try it your way and then.....I guess I will be heading up to the state capital. I 've testified before, I can certainly do it again. am not afraid to stand up for my passions. Ironically, what they are offering me will cost the state probably 10x what I was asking for but that shows how dysfunctional our system actually is. Ridiculous...

The Governor of New York, mind you is legally blind man and has numerous staff members (which New Yorkers pay for who aide him with his disabilitiy). The man had help as a child which obviously added in his learning and his ability to be where he is today. So you would think the man would realize the value of helping those with disabilities. How important these programs are and how these people need them to survive in our society. Reality, giving services to people with disabilities saves taxpayers tons of money. If they are able to live on their own or with their family with a little help---they do not have to be put away in a residential setting which cost a fortune.

So, scarily this Governor is even more insensitive to people with disabilities than even Pataki. He is actually downright cruel....did you hear his statement? He doesn't care how many people you put in front of him in wheelchairs, he is going to balance the budget. NICE.......REAL NICE....STUPID ASS....Even if he wasn't legally blind such a comment is quite disgusting....but you ARE legally blind and you have the audacity to stand up there and be so disrespectful to a group that usually can't defend themselves. I am disgusted by him.....DISGUSTED...Talk about a double standard. Let's see, are you getting any help with your disability? Did you ever? How are you reading documents, running our government? Hmmm...is there an aide on your payroll that does that for you? Any special programs that the government installed in your program to help you? Somehow, the people are paying for your disability. So....think again before you talk. What a hypocrite......now that pisses me off.....

So that was Cheri's political rant for the day....made me feel a little better. I am suppose to meet Mr. Porsche today.....I don't want to. I don't know why. The thought of throwing myself into bed is much more appealing....my bed, with the covers over my head. I am thinking of cancelling. I just am not in the mood for sex.

The Actual Mystery Man Meeting- Closure with Class

MM asked me not to write about the details...but I have to because I don't feel its a great representation of exactly what went down and leaving out the details doesn't actually get the true meeting across.


We met at Starbucks....everything was okay but I felt there was something. On my way over there, I was asking which direction he was going...he usually doesn't oblige by allowing me to know which way he is heading but he did this time with a little snicker (idiot me, thought that maybe he was willing to now open up and let me know more about the real him. Truth now, he knew I know where he lives so he didn't have to hide) I thought he was hurt or something serious, I was worried about him. For him to want to meet to talk was so out of the ordinary that I was afraid something was wrong in his life.


We sat down (he chose a table in the corner)...now that's serious but I walked over. My first reaction are you okay? what's wrong? And then he began to tell me how he was searching for a pix. (A little update....I searched and searched and cannot find where I come up. In fact, I was removed from the google search because of my content so you need to know the name of my site before you can find me really). He began to tell me about finding the pix.....and I didn't know what to say. Literally, there was nothing I could say. I dropped my head down on the latte and said I don't know what you are talking about...laughing and truly not being convincing. How could I be convincing....the cat (in this case frog) was out of the bag.


Now he is a private person, he never wanted me to know who he was. With me, he could escape and we had funny, great times with amazing sex. The truth is, now that I know who he is and he knows me so well after reading the blog. It changes the perspective of our relationship. Yes, he did say he could never be with me again because of the vision of all these guys etched in his head but there is another spin on it now....he also knows how I care about him. And he says the trust is gone, he warned me this is the way he needed it. I also didn't always say the nicest things when I was mad. Things I would have never ever said to him face to face. That's not my style...but I did write some things in the blog. My blog was not a 24 hour rule...it was a I am pissed and I have to get this crap off my head. He was actually understanding about that and we joked about a few mean things I said.

We laughed about the blog in some ways. He admited that there was stuff in there that he forgot about, great memories. We have amazing memories together. I was holding his hand, smiling and the tears were rolling down my face. He was pissed that I would post our email exchange...he felt it was so personal and that I shared it with the world. Truth was, they were so special to me...I wanted to have them forever...I didn't want to paraphrase them so it wasn't in disrespect, it was in admiration. Everything I ever wrote about our rendezvous' were filled with such emotion and caring....and was not meant as a tabloid edge. It was a romantic edge...it was something I hope to come back to one day and read and smile and remember how wonderful and what great times we had. My heart feels fulfilled when I think about out times, a smile comes to my face and I giggle. Fulfillment, contentment and the memory of the best sex of my life. That's what always made me come back for more and more and more. It was so hot, truthfully undescribable....ok, I am getting sidetracked.

I tried for him to see that I never meant it to upset him. I understood his privacy thing but he is well protected by the MM and it was my journal. He understood but he still couldn't live with it. I felt like he was judging me as a whore. Now honestly, its three and 1/2 years and while these men came and went many of them.....I had for the most part....long term relationships. If he never left me, I would never have looked for anyone else. He satisfied me in so many ways. And yes, the one time I got angry was when I said.....damn it, if you didn't leave me there would have never been anyone else. I never knew if you were coming back.


So the meeting was friendly and laughing and extremely civil. And it was probably the most open we have ever been...or at least I didn't think about what I said because....he knew my every feeling now...no reason to pretend. He left me with some parting gifts.....how fucking funny is he. A book on Dirty Limericks.....BUT the hysterical one was a book on the Meaning of Life..it is a warped humorous (yet quite true) perspective on life. Okay here is the kicker...on the cover is a picture of a FROG!!! LOL I read it when I went to bed that night, laughing and tears flowing because he actually added a few little adlib personal memories handwritten in.

If you would come back, I will drop everyone. Just you and me and I can get to know the real you. He assured me that he couldn't get out of his mind me with the other guys and the things that I did and he is convinced that I won't like the real him (which is unfair, damn it, let me decide that...I care about who he is). He told me that I deserve to find my Married Prince Charming. That these other guys are good to me and give me so much more. Hence Security Man (which he pointed out I keep changing the frogs name...Sensual Man...lol) and Mr. Porsche. He also thought I should look for my Married Prince Charmin that could give me what I need...that i deserve it. Reading my blog, he admitted he did see things from a different perspective....wow how emotional.

It hurt....it hurt so much. Like a schmuck I was wearing sunglasses in Starbucks to hide my tears.....He met me because he said he knew I needed closure. He wanted to give that to me. I cried even more....that was so important to me and did show me he cared (or of course he could have been wanting to prevent a psycho act---kidding, he knows me better than that I hope). No, I don't plan on any drive bys or anything stupid.....I care too much about him. Of course, I guess I should pass up the book and movie deal that I was offered......lmao.....

With all my heart, I thought he knew I was writing something online. We mentioned it a couple of times in joking....and if he really thought about it, how would Ashley Madison find me and ask me to do some interviews? They had to know me somehow...oh well.

The one thing that did hurt was that when we were saying goodby and he hugged and kissed me....he did say, we had great sex, laughs, thats all it was and all it could ever be. That went through me like a knife. For me, it was more. Yes, it was that..but we talked a little. I thought we were somewhat friends. Wow, that hurt and still hurts, a flashback I want to forget.

Well, if I could have one dream right now.......that would be that he came back in my life as the real him. Give me a shot to decide whether I like that guy or not. Give us a chance to be friends. I don't expect him to leave his wife...we would kill each other....but I want to know him, I want the wild sex, I want his humor. And I hope in time, he will realize that its worth going out of your comfort zone for something that has proved to be hot and worth it. Take that leap...those are always the best things in life.

I decided...when my dad gets out of the hospital.....I am heading away for a weekend to someplace warm. To be alone...to think...honestly, I am an emotional wreck and of course the husband is home today....hard to hide these sudden tears that just fill my eyes.

Update: Now I see my pattern...feeling low, feeling bad about myself.....run to Ashley Madison and POF. See, this is what gets me in trouble...on for one second and I already was flooded with emails...geez...I better stay away from there...I know its not the answer....

I wonder....how may people do most people sleep with in their lifetime? Hmmm...I'm going to do a quiz...put your answer on the sidebar...let's get a tally here....LOL

A Crappy Day

My mind is shot today. Ever feel like you can't do it anymore? That's how I feel today. I am done. Numb, sad...it's sinking in. My dad lying dying in the hospital, MM gone for good, overwhelmed in work, issues with the kids, taking on the state tomorrow......I think I am done.

Mr. Porsche is worried about me. He says he has never heard me so low. And how do I explain this one? I thought about telling him, however, what happens if he reacts the same as MM....no, not a good idea. I told him the other things that were pulling me down.

So, its weird...I am sure MM is reading this...how fucked up is that? Well if I could talk to him now, I would say "I am sorry. I care about you so much. I feel empty without you. Your making a mistake."

Part of me is getting a little angry though. I mean I don't have sex with my husband...so there were two men in my life at one time.....hmmm...both men have wives they fuck....guess there is a double standard.

Secret Lovers Lane is Discovered By Mystery Man

For 3 1/2 years, I have been pouring my heart and soul into this blog. I have written my darkest thoughts, my happiest moments, my drama, my anger, my excitement. It is my journal......it is my mind.....it is a part of my life that is a total secret to my real world around me yet I share it with you all. Strangers, yet you know me better than my best friends. When I've had Cloud 9 days....I run to share it with you....when I have disasters, I run to share it with you...you have been my journal....and when I first began it....truly my savior. Those truly dark times when the world was closing in....my blog (and you) have always been there for me.


And today, my old faithful blog caused me to lose the most important part of Secret Lovers Lane...my main frog, Mystery Man. He found my blog doing a search for a picture to send me. Without going into details, his search....led him directly to my website. And let's just say...he read almost every entry.. As you would expect, the finding did not go well.


We met at Starbucks, the place we first met at.....and now the place for our closure. I was blindsided not expecting this. The finding of the blog shocked me. I was so emotional torn.....shocked and speechless....his photogenic memory remembered details I totally forgot about. Mystery Man was totally inside my head...knowing details, hearing our encounters from my side of view.....hearing about my meetings with other men. He said he couldn't continue after reading my blog. I will say, it was an extremely civil closure with both laughs and tears . I will miss him terribly on so many levels. Did he care about me? I wish I knew the answer to that. I will say, for me it was more than just great sex.


I can't go on writing right now.. I have never had someone so deep inside my head like this.....My head is spinning, I am numb but the tears do continue to fall. How hard it is to walk around my house, trying to hide such an emptiness in my heart.


And after our meeting I went to my father. He's not improving, he's getting worse. Yes, I have hit a real low tonight....and can I continue writing this blog? I don't know now that MYstery Man found it. I popped an extra xanax tonight.....just want to sleep....

The 24 Hour Rule Almost Broken--Two Men?

Well you know I always had a 24 hour rule--no screwing two different men within 24 hours...well today, I almost broke that rule. I had plans to meet Security Man and then Mystery Man asked to see me this afternoon (tentatively). I cannot refuse him so said let's see how the day goes....sadly he postponed until later in the week but honestly, after 3 hours of intense sex with Security Man, I don't know if I could have done anything.

Yes, 3 hours with SM and quite frankly it wasn't enough. Its amazing how we can just have so much sex....its hot with him....its sensual with him. BUT before I tell you the details...I have to tell you something funny. It happened again....while SM was pulling out and re-entering from behind...his cock went into the wrong hole....except thankfully he wasn't going with such a deep thrust as MM was when that mistake happened.

So, after evaluating both situations, I believe Mystery Man never meant to hurt me....and I have figured out the problem.....I get extremely wet...we are talking soooo wet when I am turned on...and it acts as a lube....so when they go for re-entry....and they go by my ass....their cocks are all lubed up so its able to slip in.

Yes, SM was like...holy shit you are soaked...its so hot how wet you get....its the wetness that allows them to slip more easily into my ass.

Today, my oh my, the sex was so sensual....so damn sensual.....so hot....mmmmm.......I promise a full update tomorrow!! And BTW, I was called Anna Nicole today three times by three different people....actually Anna Nicole with a brain....lol How funny is that..is that a compliment or an insult? Hmmmm..

My Prince Charming- So Far Away

I thought it was dying with my long distance Prince Charming. I haven't heard from him, wished him a happy valentine's day and not a word. It's been bothering me..but I was putting it as one of those things that came when i needed it. The fairytale of a far off lover, I knew when i was younger. A sexy, hot, man...meeting on the gazebo where we scratched our names into it over 34 years ago....he's on my mind, like that fairytale you have as a child....Prince Charming, my white knibeght.

Well he didn't get online all weekend. But tonight, he was online. He wrote to me..I was accepting that our weekend away was a dead issue. But I am wrong. this man is deep, but a good deep. We think a lot a like. I said Happy Valentines Day and he said to me.....I am not a VD fan....I believe you should show a woman that you care about her all year round not on a forced day. If there was someone special in my life, I would have her come over and make her dinner, relax with a bottle of wine and the only roses would be petals on the bed or in the tub. OMG, he was right. I would take that scenerio over a forced day anytime.

So here is a man....that is so deep. That has a link to a video to a man with a disability that lectures to people about being strong and keep trying. Here is a man who is strong, yet spiritual. Sigh, everytime we talk....I like him more.

And then meeting came up. I asked him do you think we will ever meet? I would like to he said. I would love for us to go away and meet in Florida and relive our childhood but this time, I am the boy who has his arms around you not the one wishing it was me. Sigh....this man is my dream. A scary thing, that man I dreamed about in romance novels. Too good to be true. Well I want to meet him...but part of me is petrified....there doesn't seem any good ending here except if I take it for what it is...a lifetime experience that most woman just read about in romance novels coming to life.

I saw my family today...somehow we got onto the subject of online romances. I guess it started when we were talkng about the movie...he isn't so into you. Anyway, my cousin is single and so is my uncle. We got on the subject of pictures and meeting people who we talk to online. My uncle met his present girlfriend on there. Well we starting talking and then I gave my opinion....I would never put my best pix on..just a regular pix and if they like what they see, then it can only get better. I didn't realize how I sounded like I knew what I was talking about....probably a little too much. My family smiled....oh no...is my secret out a little bit. Truth is, I was this good girl my whole life, they wouldn't suspect. But for a married lady, I certainly understood these sites....lol Out of no where my uncle mentioned Ashley Madison , telling me that there are sites for married people too. Oh really? Wow, what is this world coming to, there is something for everyone on the internet.....innocent....my cousin pulled me aside...might be something you want to check out. Nah, I said...too busy with work but you never know.

OMG, if they only knew. Some things are better left unsaid....here's to Ashley!!

Cheri the Drama Queen

Between the stress with my dad and my period not coming (oh yes, so the father is......I kind of flipped that this month I would have been one of those who is the father on the Maury Povich show...you know, the two men are there and it turns out to be a third guy....) It didn't feel that way...so I did a pregnancy test and it was negative...hopefully just stress.

I overreacted with Valentines Day...it is the day for lovers...and I am suppose to have three (and a long distance Prince Charming) and I wasn't feeling the love!!! Mr. Porsche did take me out for dinner the other night...it was nice. We worked together...no one thought anything, I was so professional. Of course, when his employees left I attacked him at his desk...getting down on my knees and sucking his cock. Oh he loved it....I think every man dreams about having a woman under his desk sucking his cock...and then he took me out for dinner. It was nice and so hard to keep my hands off of him...his cock was still hard....I wanted him..we snuck holding hands behind the menu and I put my hands on his leg...there were bathrooms in the back....come in here with me....oh, it would have been super hot..but he had to catch a train. I did molest him outside..he giggles like a little kid.

I did give him a hard time..he said he had nothing for me but then he pulled out a gift certificate...I was disappointed. I want you to pick something out for me. I want something from you, I don't care if its from the dollar store...its something you picked out for me. He said he was going to try. We had one more falling out yesterday...he was suppose to meet me in the morning and he didn't call...I was furious, I re-worked my schedule for him....I had to move Security Man to the afternoon and then to be dissed. I am a baby, he called, I didn't pick up. He knows that means I am pissed. So he sent me little Be my Valentine notes....he knows how to diffuse me...its so funny.

And then I met Security Man for lunch, t We were suppose to have a full rendezvous but he had to work. So two opportunities to get laid, I was so horny but none came through...Security Man and I went to lunch, quiet place with another fireplace...we hold hands and touch and kiss sweetly. I love it. We only had 15 minutes so we went out to the car and sucked face for the entire 15 mintes...okay, I went down on him. I love surprise..he was shocked...I sucked a little and then we kissed more. I could kiss him for hours...he is an amazing kisser...its wild how hot his kisses make me. He's so sensual....I like that.

I don't know, I was sad yesterday. Even Mystery Man sent me an email but the bastard couldn't say Happy Valentines...too macho for him. Well today on Valentines Day, both Securty Man and Mr. Porsche sent me Valentines day text messages. That made me smile....I don't know why I am so needy...it must be my hormones are out of wack or all this with my dad.....I seem to need extra loving these days. I need to be held and comforted....

And then, the husband. I don't know if it is better that he didn't do anything or that he did do something. I felt so guilty after because I wish i could love him. I truly do....but I can't. There has been so much there, I feel horrible and trapped when I came down this morning and there was a dozen white roses with one red one with sparkles sticking up....and the card said....you always stood out from the bunch...would you be my Valentine again? And then he bought me Betsey Johnson belts that I absolutely loved. So, I feel horrible that I don't love him. That it hurts because I don't love him....Love is so strange...its something you can't force.

So its Valentines Day and I am working to catch up on work...hopefully things will settle down soon!

Happy Valentine's DAY!!! Yes, show your lover how much you care...its our day...a day to show a lover that they mean so much to you.....xoxoxoxxo Wow, i missed blogging!!

I am Alive!

Wow, it has been a long time since I blogged. Not for a lack of things going on..actually I think I hit my maximum overload....I am alive....just want to look back to see where I left off....it has been crazy...my dad was in the hospital and he still has more operations. It makes you think. Think a lot.

I guess I had hoped in my life that there would be a break. Yes, my children are young, but I truly was hoping for some time when I would get divorced, have some time for myself and then deal with the aging parents. It has been very difficult these past few weeks, having to make major life decisions for my father. Seeing the man who was so large in my mind, be so fragile....seeing my mom beginning to lose a little memories...its a scary thing to realize you are aging as well.

So I will be back to update you further...let me just check where I left off but I AM ALIVE..you can't get rid of me that easily.