I LOVE YOU.....Oooopss!!

I saw Mr. Porsche yesterday. He was surprising not stressed, he was calm, he was not deviant and he was gentle. Wow, what a change in pace. We cuddled, he made me cum four times...yes I was a damn river, you know how wet I get...it's crazy. It was an amazing afternoon. He wasn't in a rush. He cuddled me, spooned me, made love to me, tickled me, wrestled me....it was the calmest day I have had with him. I love being with him. the first ten minutes I just vented....went on a rage of all the things wrong with me and he held me and smiled. He finds my releases amusing...like a child throwing a temper tantrum. But he knows I feel better after and quite frankly none of my complaints was about him. He just smirks and then he looks me in the eyes and says, feel better? I say yes and then he kisses me.

We kissed today more than ever. He just wanted to kiss me and kiss me. who was this man? Oh he is always good to me but this was a different man. As we lie in bed, my damn phone is going crazy. wow you are just getting call after call...silence. he thinks it is all men..well two were. He's so not losing me, he's my foundation. He's my support, he's my baby. But reality is, he knows that one day I might find a steady thing. I guess it more realistic to him now.

So my friends called, we were making plans for dinner. I scream to him how I should go meet them. His eyes bug, they know I am with you? YES...relax, they know of you but not who you are..he did and kissed me. My friend heard the kiss, wow, lucky girl. And then as I was on the phone he kisses my neck and then slipped $50 in my bra. Go have a great time on me baby. He has a heart of gold.

And then out of no where...he was up against the door and I leaned over to say good by and kiss him and i said....I Love You....took me by surprise as I am sure it took him by surprise. I quickly changed the topic so he wouldn't have to respond or acknowledge it. Where the fuck did that come from? I mean I do love him. I love him sooooo much. But I am realistic that we are never going to be together and I am totally okay with that because we would kill each other. So I think I shocked us both with the I LOVE YOU!!

He left me there to get ready and then I met my GFs. Oh boy, we were laughing. My GF is having her single friend call me. I am like a single person counselor these days which cracks me up. As we sat at the phone, I got four calls from men. Doesn't phase you bitch! and we all started to laugh. Actually it doesn't. I am not fulfilled, the right one has not come yet. Can't even find one to fulfill that void. Mr. Porsche does in most ways but there is that area that others have filled at times but now it is still a big void.

Now my GF, she's in the big leagues. She meets multi-millionaires and blows them off. That's because she hangs out in the top places. So last night over a sangria, I promised her that I would go in and go with her to these places. Her newest toy is this super famous basketball player. I even knew his name...good looking guy man and big bucks. She blew him off...he was so pissed. But not pissed too much that he didn't call her two days later for lunch. way too funny.

I told her how the new guy wants to take me to Costa Rica. Tells me I haven't traveled enough that he wants to show me all the great places in the world. WOW, too bad he has some issue going on.

another great night with the girls and Mr. Porsche....I went to bed content!!!!! Aaaah!!!

I LOVE TO TEASE....

I admit it, I can definitely be a cock tease sometimes and well today I really was in the mood. I don't know what it was. I just decided that I needed to get do a little teasing. I had taken a pix of me lying down one night when I was putting my daughter to bed. Leaning on one hand, my hair over one eye and I was wearing my lounging pjs. basically, amazing cleavage in this thing. So i snapped a pix and it came out ok...my face doesn't look amazing but the pix is oozing with sexuality. So I cropped it just to see a little cleavage and I decided to put it on my yahoo messenger as my picture. now I am always offline but this time I went through the list of old frogs. those that I would want to tease, those that I would want to miss me.....and I just put them online.

I was working on my computer all day today so it was my amusement for the day.

First victim....my new guy. OMG, he fell right into a unexpected trap. I didn't even see this one coming. we just signed up for IM so I guess he didn't make the connection that it was me. He sent a note HEY and I responded hey sexy what's up. He started asking me questions he knew the answer to....and I still wasn't catching on that he didn't know who I was. I said to him why are you asking me this you know the answers to these questions, you should keep your ladies straight. He responded, if I had a woman like you, I wouldn't need other ladies. Is that really a recent pix? I was thinking he had a friend sitting there. So I responded...what is up with you? did you think I stole a gallery of someone elses pix? Anyway, he said wow, your quite the ballbuster....and he blocked me!! lol So I called him and said what is your problem....all if a sudden it clicked in his head and mine...that was me!!!! OMG, I am so embarrassed, I never saw that pix of you. I can't talk, I gotta take this call, and he hung up. A minute later, he asked to be my friend again....hahahahahahahaha. I think he is sooo embarrassed, I didn't hear a word from him today. How ridiculous if it is over before it begins because of that. I didn't realize he didn't know it was me. No wonder why he thought my responses were shocking....I am laying low on this one.

Next victim....the uncircumsized penis guy. do you remember him!?1? The one who said he only dates models and showed me his penis at the bar and I tied him up in his car. He wrote, wow, how are you? More babble and then wanted to know if I wanted to cam with him that he misses me on the cam. Uhmmmmm, let me think...NO THANKS...Great talking to you but I don't think we have much to say......no wait, he says, lets go out again. OH PLEASE!!!! My response, i dom't think so....

Next Victim....the Surgeon. Oh yes, this has been going on for years and we still haven't met. You are tempting me so, I can't do office hours. Holy crap, I need to meet you. But of course he has not plans on it. The men must be dying over that pix. Oh well, when you finally want to meet, let me know baby....hehehehehhehehe He came back on tonight....I reminded him that if we would have screwed once a week the past five years that would have been over 260 screws!! UGHHHHH!! I've used your pix so many times throughout the years to get off..its probably more than that now. And with this one, damn, I think its going to be twice a day. Too cute!!

next victim...the divorce attorney but I am mad at him so I didn't respond yet.

Oh well, such is life. a little amusement while I was working.

And tonight, I actually just turned my online on for all to see. And wow, the frogs that hopped in were amazing....four responses from guys I didn't even remember talking to and those that I vaguely remember. All saying how amazing I look, asking how I've been. Asking if I still am looking at married men....this is hysterical.

So, if you stay offline like I do and you have a long list of messenger people...try turning it on one day. You will be shocked at who comes out of the woodwork. I was on the phone tonight with Mr. Pulitzer...he asked me if I ever figured out how many men I went out with or blowed or slept with. Nope...way too many have come and gone. First dates that never amounted to anything. Online chats that never went anywhere. Truth is, I will sit down one day and try to figure it out. However, in my mind, there are only a few in my life that made a lasting impression. A few that pop into my head at times for one reason or another. A few that gave me strength, helped me build my sexuality, those that filled that endless empty void and honestly, I will always think positively about them. In my heart, I will be grateful to them for life for helping me through the darkest days. I don't know what I would have done without them.

A Toast to the Frogs!!!!!!!

The Power Of Guilt and Guiltless Infidelity

Ironically I was sitting here thinking about Guilt. How some things can bring on tremendous guilt within and others, while you think you would feel guilty, you don't. I feel guilt for almost everything in my life. Guilt on not finishing work, guilt on raising kids, guilt on not making a meeting, guilt on being late to an event, guilty about not calling a family member, guilty about not going to the gym GUILT, GUILT, GUILT. I feel more guilt than anything else.

However, the one area that I know, according to the world around me, I should feel tremendous guilt is with my infidelity. However, I do not. I should feel guilt about the married men I sleep with and the men's wives-I am with their husbands...but I do not. the hours of being on Ashley Madison and in search of a married man--but I do not. So I had to do some soul searching. Why do I not feel guilty? For a woman who once thought that cheating was disgusting-why the total turn around?

Being Stuck and desperate and so lonely. I did it out of a desperate need to escape and the desire to feel a connection again. I was dead inside, I wanted to be dead at one point. It was the high of talking and flirting online that kept me alive. And then the connection, the desire, the want, the need.....THE HIGH! It's as if I separated my lives into two neat worlds...never the two shall meet. How could I feel guilt for something that actually was keeping me alive?

And then my life started to slowly fall into some kind of shape and then I met men that brought me joy that no one else has ever brought me. So I reached a new level. Would I have stopped if I didn't find that wild sexual satisfaction? I don't know. I guess I will never know. But I still had never felt guilt. I felt more guilt when there were two frogs in my life at the same time then my infidelity. In fact, if the frogs had asked if there were others, I would never had lied. They did not ask, I did not tell.

So how did the lines get so muddy? The realization that I have slept with another woman's husband does not feel that great but its something I have blocked out. Oh I know they are married but I justify it because they feel the same way that I do. That misery, that void that needs to be filled. That emptiness and loneliness that I know so well. that room mate existence that comes to be.

Yet, then there are those that are happy with their lives, happy with their wives but just unsatisfied sexually. I do not judge. Personally, I do not think I would jeopardize my life I loved if I knew getting caught would cost me all the happiness.

I guess it is a scale. the Judging scale....the heavier side wins. reality, my scale was all one sided so there wasn't a real scale there. I knew what I had to do..maybe that is why it is guiltless. I also never did anything that got someone caught so I felt I never tore apart anyones marriage.

You come to this way of life and you take chances. It's a gamble. I have few regrets. Oh now that I know the outcomes, I would have skipped some frogs without a doubt. But a lot of the last few years has been a stepping stone to where i am today. And each one had been a lesson learned. Some harder than others, most worth the encounters.

I heard from Mr. Prize the other day. He is returning to his hometown to be with his family and wanted some closure. we have not seen each other in a long time nor have we spoken but the thought of closure was so hard for me. to severe the ties? We cannot severe ties and wrap them up into a box of memories and throw them in the river. Each frog will be with me for a lifetime. Each encounter may flashback at any time, any day, for any reason. It is a part of who we are. and hearing from Mr. Prize made me smile and remember how he helped me grow and the strength and confidence he gave to me sexually and as a person. Wow, the memories came back...he helped me grow and gave phenomenal advice and direction in many aspects of my life both mentally and sexually.

The one thing that I do know. There is not a frog that i hold any venom towards. Oh there are some that I would hardly remember, there are some that I would say what the hell did I even see in them...but for the most part, they are positive memories. And like Mr. Prize, if they called tomorrow I would smile--they are friends, a part of my life, a connection of my past, a building block.

So..I do not believe in regrets. I still am amazed at my lack of guilt but I guess does it really matter? Until you are here...until you feel that void that can almost drive you to suicide--you shouldn't judge.

A very good friend of mine is in the process of getting a divorce. girl gone wild!! I am amazed at her sexual freedom that she has found. I am enjoying hearing about her escapades since they reminded me so much of when i first began this journey and even more...when I went my wildest. have a matured over the years? In some ways, I have. I no longer have that dreamy, rose colored approach. Although with Mr. Astronaut, I got caught up in it again. The reality of that scared me but I have it more in check.

so there was my rant and my rave on guiltless infidelity. If I could just move it to the rest of my life--I would probably be better off.

Does Tiger Woods Owe US an apology?

So do you feel that Tiger Woods owes you an apology? He owes his wife and family an apology but he certainly doesn't owe anyone else! As I am writing this post, my local radio station is holding a Tiger Woods Apology Weekend-giving away all the things he should have given his mistresses to shut them up. It's pretty disgusting.

Did Tiger owe his sponsors apologizes? I gotta tell you, I am not crying for Accenture or Nike. They paid and reaped many benefits from his exposure. With any spokesperson, you take the chance of a scandal. Sorry, but that's the way it goes--he is human. And as a person who isn't a Tiger Woods follower, until this scandal broke, I didn't even know who his major sponsors were. Accenture?! I had no idea BUT now I do. Publicity, even bad publicity can be good. And let's be realistic, are men REALLY going to not buy a product because Tiger Woods had an affair? Truly all it does is remind a man of exactly how guilty he has been some time in his life of an actual affair or a flirt or a kiss. PLEASE...so I do not feel bad for these poor sponsors crying the blues.

And the mistresses. Let's be realistic here. Watching the press conference of his mistress with high powered attorney, Gloria--just screams I am suing you big time. I gave up my porn career....boo hoo. We all know that if you went back into the porn business your videos would fly off the shelf a lot faster now then before darling. Your crying press conference certainly didn't do it for me, it actually made me angry. Your new look of the business professional bob haircut and white prim and proper shirt was also ridiculous. We didn't even know who you were before. No one forces you to give up your career. You choose that road yourself. Did he promise you love? Did he promise you he was going to leave his wife? Hmmmm....let's use your brain here. Tiger Woods would never have a porn star wife! The waitress at Perkins had a better shot for his image. It disgusts me that she is going to sue him and probably get a lot of money. Baby doll, there are millions of women out there who have had affairs and we are not getting the millions. You knew the situation when you got into it. You knew who he was and you had the affair.

I honestly feel bad for Tiger Woods and according to polls, I am one of the few women who do. Affairs scare people. I have heard some of my lovers say--crap he's making this bad for all of us. Their wives are bringing the topic to the bedroom. An opportunity to see what your husband thinks about it. An opportunity to fish around to see if your husband shows any reaction or sympathy for him.

As he said, the power and his lifestyle made him feel like he was above the rules. He stands in a long line of politicians, movie stars, professional sports figures. They cheat because it gives them another high. Obviously going through therapy for a sex addition, they explained why he did what he did. But realistically, being on top of the world like he is and so young, unfortunately he was inexperienced and he thought with his penis. His choice of 11 less desirable women is what is really getting him in trouble and causing the distaste. If he had a few less affairs and with women who were more acceptable in society-it all would have gone down so differently. He should have gone to Ashley Madison and found some hot married women in all these cities. A lot less problems.

The man plays golf. He's not a preacher. I say leave him alone and let him work out his issues with his wife and kids.