I wonder, is anyone truly happy? Is it just me? Trust me, the divorce was the right move and everyday I know I made the right decision. Actually there hasn't been one day where I thought it was the wrong decision. My life is more on track. I am more in control and I no longer anticipate a financial disaster luring around the corner. But there is this emptiness inside of me. It's still there. It's not like it was but I am still empty. Will I ever truly be happy or do we all walk around with a little emptiness? Are there people who are fulfilled or are we all striving for something that truly does not exist?
The man I have been with for eight months now....yes, Cheri has been faithful to him for eight months. Mr. Porsche knows I have found someone. I still talk to him weekly but I haven't seen him. He's still a huge support for me. I still love him but at this time, I am fulfilled sexually by my new man.
The sex?! Mind blowing sex ladies and gentleman. Everyone deserves to have this type of sex in their lives. And...it is still as hot as it was since day one! During a weekend, we will have sex seven to ten times. And if we don't....he will go down on me some of the time until I can't take the orgasms anymore. Yes, sex in the kitchen, sex on the washing machine...sex on the couch, in the bed, in the tub. Oh, it's really great sex...lol
I do love him. BUT it's not perfect. He's like Jekyll and Hyde sometimes and that is difficult. He has issues he has to work out. Sometimes I can't take them. Sometimes I want to leave but when we are relaxing and enjoying each other...I know this is where I want to be. But, there are problems. He is very critical which is not good for my self esteem. He is also a little OCD and ADHD....a pessimistic person too. Funny, he's a lot like Mystery Man...hehehhehe isn't that ironic.
So back to the question. When you close your eyes and think of your life....are you happy? Do you say I have a great life? Or are you longing for something else or someone else? Is there a little emptiness that is not filled? I am wondering if I am looking for something that just doesn't exist. Oh, there is a part of me that will always have a sad part....because its related to my children and that I cannot fix but I have accepted that will always be there. But my question is, do I still keep looking for contentment and happiness that fills me totally or is this the best it will be?
Showing posts with label void in heart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label void in heart. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 02, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
A Feeling Of Alone
It's been awhile since I have written. Not from a lack of wanting to but from a lack of time. I miss my blog, I miss my diary, I miss the serenity it has brought to me.
On a personal note, Cheri has been seeing one man for eight months now! Yes, not one cheat. I guess my big question is....is life always a scale or are you settling if someone is not exactly for you in every way? The New Guy and I connect emotionally and physically. There is never a lapse in our conversation, there is never a missing of affection, he loves to cuddle and he's amazing in bed. He can eat me out for hours and absolutely loves it, as do I. He's got a special technique with his lips and tongue that drive me insane.
I laugh like I have never laughed, I connect with him unlike others because we do not have secrets. However, there are the faults. He doesn't give me the support like Mr. Porsche did emotionally. It's a little about me and all about him sometimes. Most of the time its okay but some days, I need someone to hold me as the tears flow and tell me its going to be okay. That and his criticism of my lack of gym visits and my diet are starting to wear on me big time. Some days I feel I need a break. So if you are really happy and you enjoy someone but there are a few issues that are getting to you, do you stay?
My mind has been fragmented lately. Work is overwhelming and the house is too. The kids all have drama and I am trying to surge ahead with major things like wills, re-financing, ill parents....I have been carrying a very large burden. As expected, and none of you will be surprised, the EX has lost his job and got one and looking for another. So I had to pick up the burden of health insurance and he hasn't given me a penny in over 20 weeks. His old liens and problems just keep re-surfacing one way or another. IT's been a rough few months.
But...I have to say...I do not regret for one moment getting the divorce. If fact, with each screw up comes the satisfaction of knowing that I totally made the right decision. Now if life would just get a little easier!!
On a positive note, I am starting a new business. Aaahhh...I can't wait to get it off the ground. So I haven't been on Ashley Madison in a long time, anyone on there with some great stories? I miss it actually. Yes, the men were married but they were quality men. I have been considering to return to browse, see what's on there. Am I having an itch? I guess. I heard from so many blasts from the past this week that I am back thinking back to those hot sex encounters.
Mr. Porsche is still in my life but I haven't seen him in months. The pressure is on, he wants to see me. I don't have the heart to end it totally. Mystery Man...ahhh...I wouldn't trade a day in for what we had. The memories still pop in my head and make me smile. He won't write. I even attempted to bring him into the real world with me and link on linked in and he hasn't become my friend. I know its so over and honestly, I wouldn't want to re-kindle it because it might ruin the memories. But I have to tell you....everyone should have a romance like that. Everyone should experience the lust, passion and desire...one day we will meet again.
On a personal note, Cheri has been seeing one man for eight months now! Yes, not one cheat. I guess my big question is....is life always a scale or are you settling if someone is not exactly for you in every way? The New Guy and I connect emotionally and physically. There is never a lapse in our conversation, there is never a missing of affection, he loves to cuddle and he's amazing in bed. He can eat me out for hours and absolutely loves it, as do I. He's got a special technique with his lips and tongue that drive me insane.
I laugh like I have never laughed, I connect with him unlike others because we do not have secrets. However, there are the faults. He doesn't give me the support like Mr. Porsche did emotionally. It's a little about me and all about him sometimes. Most of the time its okay but some days, I need someone to hold me as the tears flow and tell me its going to be okay. That and his criticism of my lack of gym visits and my diet are starting to wear on me big time. Some days I feel I need a break. So if you are really happy and you enjoy someone but there are a few issues that are getting to you, do you stay?
My mind has been fragmented lately. Work is overwhelming and the house is too. The kids all have drama and I am trying to surge ahead with major things like wills, re-financing, ill parents....I have been carrying a very large burden. As expected, and none of you will be surprised, the EX has lost his job and got one and looking for another. So I had to pick up the burden of health insurance and he hasn't given me a penny in over 20 weeks. His old liens and problems just keep re-surfacing one way or another. IT's been a rough few months.
But...I have to say...I do not regret for one moment getting the divorce. If fact, with each screw up comes the satisfaction of knowing that I totally made the right decision. Now if life would just get a little easier!!
On a positive note, I am starting a new business. Aaahhh...I can't wait to get it off the ground. So I haven't been on Ashley Madison in a long time, anyone on there with some great stories? I miss it actually. Yes, the men were married but they were quality men. I have been considering to return to browse, see what's on there. Am I having an itch? I guess. I heard from so many blasts from the past this week that I am back thinking back to those hot sex encounters.
Mr. Porsche is still in my life but I haven't seen him in months. The pressure is on, he wants to see me. I don't have the heart to end it totally. Mystery Man...ahhh...I wouldn't trade a day in for what we had. The memories still pop in my head and make me smile. He won't write. I even attempted to bring him into the real world with me and link on linked in and he hasn't become my friend. I know its so over and honestly, I wouldn't want to re-kindle it because it might ruin the memories. But I have to tell you....everyone should have a romance like that. Everyone should experience the lust, passion and desire...one day we will meet again.
Thursday, February 03, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”
Hey Baby,
This is a very hard note for me to write. I usually don’t walk away from things when I know it is right. I knew you were headed for a really rough, rough road but I was willing to take that journey with you. I am used to rollercoasters in life and the joy,the fun and the connection we found -was worth the ride. But after Friday night, I realize now that you really do want to do it on your own.
I have been dating for awhile and never let someone in like I let you in. Why? Because there is just something there that was so special. I found this quote that touches on it….
“Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.”
Alexander Smith
The connection we found doesn’t come every day and it’s a hard thing to let go of. It’s hard to slow down something that feels so good. And now it is scary that we found something we may never find again. It’s scary that it is going to totally die, we are going to drift and we will never find each other again. But timing is everything and as much as it hurts—I guess we are going to have to let it lie there and always wonder what potential we had. Who knows, maybe we will find each other again, the timing will be right and we will have saved something special. Only time will tell.
I will tell you-I loved what we had these past two months. You made me feel so special. You made me feel alive, you made my body sing. Our kisses are kisses I never felt before. You have taught me it exists, and that I should never settle for less of a kiss or connection. Our rocking, our deep conversations, our sexual connection, our laughs, our similarities, the tub, your oral skills, you knowing how to make me cum, the shower, “yeah yeah”, our being the same person…lol, you knowing what I am thinking…..it was amazing! We never got to share a cream cheese and jelly sandwich though. We had so much in such a short period of time. Who knows, maybe we will be The Notebook.
My heart aches that you don’t want me there for you now. Promise me, you won’t disappear into that darkness. Promise me, you will try to look at the positive and have hope….and I promise you that it is going to work out if you fight the darkness. You have so much potential, I wish you believed in yourself. So, I am including two sheets of quotes….one, to remind you of what we had and how special it was and the other, to remind you of how much potential you have and to hopefully give you some support to help you find yourself.
I don’t want to say good by. I am glad we at least ended in an okay place, and I realized last night we both had the same fears and concerns. We can try and talk sometimes, if it doesn’t hurt too much.
I care a lot about you. I hope you find what you are looking for…
Xoxo
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”
If Our Stars Align…Look out to the horizon,
A whole world lies beyond
The path of life shall guide you
And move you swiftly on,
There’s new things to discover
And unseen sights to see
The road stretches before you
No one knows just how far,
And whatever may befall you
Just remember who you are
If others try to change you,
Think who you want to be,
You’ll find you’ve reached your limit,
When you can go no more,
And you’ll always have our memories
Of good times we’ve had before
So when you’ve done with what you need to do,
And you remember the lost connection we had was key
Hopefully, we will be in the same place at that time and
And begin a new journey for you and me.
You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”
I don't pretend to know what a special connection is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; connecting is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, connecting is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, connecting is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”
A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself. Jim Morrison
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”
“Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.” Alexander Smith
If you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours, if it doesn’t it never was.
Or a version I thought you might like….If you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours, if it doesn’t, hunt it down and kill it…(I had to add a little giggle! Lol)
If At First You Don’t Succeed.
Failure doesn’t mean – “You are a failure,”
It means – You just didn’t succeed at that one thing.
It doesn’t mean– “You accomplished nothing,”
It means – You have learned something.
It doesn’t mean – “You have been a fool,”
It means – You had a lot of faith.
It doesn’t mean – “You don’t have it,”
It means – You were willing to try.
It doesn’t mean – “You are inferior,”
It means – You are not perfect.
It doesn’t mean – “You’ve wasted your life,”
It means – You have a reason to start afresh.
It doesn’t mean – “You should give up,”
It means – “You must try harder.
It doesn’t mean – “You’ll never make it,”
It means – It will take a little longer.
It doesn’t mean – “God has abandoned you,”
It means – God has a better way for you.
People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates. ~Thomas Szasz, "Personal Conduct," The Second Sin, 1973
Never mind searching for who you are. Search for the person you aspire to be. ~Robert Brault,
Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.~Dr. Alexis Carrel
If you can go through life without experiencing pain you probably haven’t been born yet. ~Neil Simon
If you aren't sure who you are, you might as well work on who you want to be. ~Robert Brault,
Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy. Norman Vincent Peale
The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself. Mark Caine
We make the world we live in and shape our own environment. Orison Swett Marden
Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present.
Ideas shape the course of history. John Maynard Keynes
Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start.
Nido Qubein
“But there is suffering in life & there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for.”
“You are the Fate of Your Own Destiny”-
This is a very hard note for me to write. I usually don’t walk away from things when I know it is right. I knew you were headed for a really rough, rough road but I was willing to take that journey with you. I am used to rollercoasters in life and the joy,the fun and the connection we found -was worth the ride. But after Friday night, I realize now that you really do want to do it on your own.
I have been dating for awhile and never let someone in like I let you in. Why? Because there is just something there that was so special. I found this quote that touches on it….
“Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.”
Alexander Smith
The connection we found doesn’t come every day and it’s a hard thing to let go of. It’s hard to slow down something that feels so good. And now it is scary that we found something we may never find again. It’s scary that it is going to totally die, we are going to drift and we will never find each other again. But timing is everything and as much as it hurts—I guess we are going to have to let it lie there and always wonder what potential we had. Who knows, maybe we will find each other again, the timing will be right and we will have saved something special. Only time will tell.
I will tell you-I loved what we had these past two months. You made me feel so special. You made me feel alive, you made my body sing. Our kisses are kisses I never felt before. You have taught me it exists, and that I should never settle for less of a kiss or connection. Our rocking, our deep conversations, our sexual connection, our laughs, our similarities, the tub, your oral skills, you knowing how to make me cum, the shower, “yeah yeah”, our being the same person…lol, you knowing what I am thinking…..it was amazing! We never got to share a cream cheese and jelly sandwich though. We had so much in such a short period of time. Who knows, maybe we will be The Notebook.
My heart aches that you don’t want me there for you now. Promise me, you won’t disappear into that darkness. Promise me, you will try to look at the positive and have hope….and I promise you that it is going to work out if you fight the darkness. You have so much potential, I wish you believed in yourself. So, I am including two sheets of quotes….one, to remind you of what we had and how special it was and the other, to remind you of how much potential you have and to hopefully give you some support to help you find yourself.
I don’t want to say good by. I am glad we at least ended in an okay place, and I realized last night we both had the same fears and concerns. We can try and talk sometimes, if it doesn’t hurt too much.
I care a lot about you. I hope you find what you are looking for…
Xoxo
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”
If Our Stars Align…Look out to the horizon,
A whole world lies beyond
The path of life shall guide you
And move you swiftly on,
There’s new things to discover
And unseen sights to see
The road stretches before you
No one knows just how far,
And whatever may befall you
Just remember who you are
If others try to change you,
Think who you want to be,
You’ll find you’ve reached your limit,
When you can go no more,
And you’ll always have our memories
Of good times we’ve had before
So when you’ve done with what you need to do,
And you remember the lost connection we had was key
Hopefully, we will be in the same place at that time and
And begin a new journey for you and me.
You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”
I don't pretend to know what a special connection is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; connecting is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, connecting is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, connecting is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”
A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself. Jim Morrison
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”
“Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.” Alexander Smith
If you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours, if it doesn’t it never was.
Or a version I thought you might like….If you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours, if it doesn’t, hunt it down and kill it…(I had to add a little giggle! Lol)
If At First You Don’t Succeed.
Failure doesn’t mean – “You are a failure,”
It means – You just didn’t succeed at that one thing.
It doesn’t mean– “You accomplished nothing,”
It means – You have learned something.
It doesn’t mean – “You have been a fool,”
It means – You had a lot of faith.
It doesn’t mean – “You don’t have it,”
It means – You were willing to try.
It doesn’t mean – “You are inferior,”
It means – You are not perfect.
It doesn’t mean – “You’ve wasted your life,”
It means – You have a reason to start afresh.
It doesn’t mean – “You should give up,”
It means – “You must try harder.
It doesn’t mean – “You’ll never make it,”
It means – It will take a little longer.
It doesn’t mean – “God has abandoned you,”
It means – God has a better way for you.
People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates. ~Thomas Szasz, "Personal Conduct," The Second Sin, 1973
Never mind searching for who you are. Search for the person you aspire to be. ~Robert Brault,
Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.~Dr. Alexis Carrel
If you can go through life without experiencing pain you probably haven’t been born yet. ~Neil Simon
If you aren't sure who you are, you might as well work on who you want to be. ~Robert Brault,
Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy. Norman Vincent Peale
The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself. Mark Caine
We make the world we live in and shape our own environment. Orison Swett Marden
Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present.
Ideas shape the course of history. John Maynard Keynes
Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start.
Nido Qubein
“But there is suffering in life & there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for.”
“You are the Fate of Your Own Destiny”-
Friday, July 09, 2010
I LOVE YOU.....Oooopss!!
I saw Mr. Porsche yesterday. He was surprising not stressed, he was calm, he was not deviant and he was gentle. Wow, what a change in pace. We cuddled, he made me cum four times...yes I was a damn river, you know how wet I get...it's crazy. It was an amazing afternoon. He wasn't in a rush. He cuddled me, spooned me, made love to me, tickled me, wrestled me....it was the calmest day I have had with him. I love being with him. the first ten minutes I just vented....went on a rage of all the things wrong with me and he held me and smiled. He finds my releases amusing...like a child throwing a temper tantrum. But he knows I feel better after and quite frankly none of my complaints was about him. He just smirks and then he looks me in the eyes and says, feel better? I say yes and then he kisses me.
We kissed today more than ever. He just wanted to kiss me and kiss me. who was this man? Oh he is always good to me but this was a different man. As we lie in bed, my damn phone is going crazy. wow you are just getting call after call...silence. he thinks it is all men..well two were. He's so not losing me, he's my foundation. He's my support, he's my baby. But reality is, he knows that one day I might find a steady thing. I guess it more realistic to him now.
So my friends called, we were making plans for dinner. I scream to him how I should go meet them. His eyes bug, they know I am with you? YES...relax, they know of you but not who you are..he did and kissed me. My friend heard the kiss, wow, lucky girl. And then as I was on the phone he kisses my neck and then slipped $50 in my bra. Go have a great time on me baby. He has a heart of gold.
And then out of no where...he was up against the door and I leaned over to say good by and kiss him and i said....I Love You....took me by surprise as I am sure it took him by surprise. I quickly changed the topic so he wouldn't have to respond or acknowledge it. Where the fuck did that come from? I mean I do love him. I love him sooooo much. But I am realistic that we are never going to be together and I am totally okay with that because we would kill each other. So I think I shocked us both with the I LOVE YOU!!
He left me there to get ready and then I met my GFs. Oh boy, we were laughing. My GF is having her single friend call me. I am like a single person counselor these days which cracks me up. As we sat at the phone, I got four calls from men. Doesn't phase you bitch! and we all started to laugh. Actually it doesn't. I am not fulfilled, the right one has not come yet. Can't even find one to fulfill that void. Mr. Porsche does in most ways but there is that area that others have filled at times but now it is still a big void.
Now my GF, she's in the big leagues. She meets multi-millionaires and blows them off. That's because she hangs out in the top places. So last night over a sangria, I promised her that I would go in and go with her to these places. Her newest toy is this super famous basketball player. I even knew his name...good looking guy man and big bucks. She blew him off...he was so pissed. But not pissed too much that he didn't call her two days later for lunch. way too funny.
I told her how the new guy wants to take me to Costa Rica. Tells me I haven't traveled enough that he wants to show me all the great places in the world. WOW, too bad he has some issue going on.
another great night with the girls and Mr. Porsche....I went to bed content!!!!! Aaaah!!!
We kissed today more than ever. He just wanted to kiss me and kiss me. who was this man? Oh he is always good to me but this was a different man. As we lie in bed, my damn phone is going crazy. wow you are just getting call after call...silence. he thinks it is all men..well two were. He's so not losing me, he's my foundation. He's my support, he's my baby. But reality is, he knows that one day I might find a steady thing. I guess it more realistic to him now.
So my friends called, we were making plans for dinner. I scream to him how I should go meet them. His eyes bug, they know I am with you? YES...relax, they know of you but not who you are..he did and kissed me. My friend heard the kiss, wow, lucky girl. And then as I was on the phone he kisses my neck and then slipped $50 in my bra. Go have a great time on me baby. He has a heart of gold.
And then out of no where...he was up against the door and I leaned over to say good by and kiss him and i said....I Love You....took me by surprise as I am sure it took him by surprise. I quickly changed the topic so he wouldn't have to respond or acknowledge it. Where the fuck did that come from? I mean I do love him. I love him sooooo much. But I am realistic that we are never going to be together and I am totally okay with that because we would kill each other. So I think I shocked us both with the I LOVE YOU!!
He left me there to get ready and then I met my GFs. Oh boy, we were laughing. My GF is having her single friend call me. I am like a single person counselor these days which cracks me up. As we sat at the phone, I got four calls from men. Doesn't phase you bitch! and we all started to laugh. Actually it doesn't. I am not fulfilled, the right one has not come yet. Can't even find one to fulfill that void. Mr. Porsche does in most ways but there is that area that others have filled at times but now it is still a big void.
Now my GF, she's in the big leagues. She meets multi-millionaires and blows them off. That's because she hangs out in the top places. So last night over a sangria, I promised her that I would go in and go with her to these places. Her newest toy is this super famous basketball player. I even knew his name...good looking guy man and big bucks. She blew him off...he was so pissed. But not pissed too much that he didn't call her two days later for lunch. way too funny.
I told her how the new guy wants to take me to Costa Rica. Tells me I haven't traveled enough that he wants to show me all the great places in the world. WOW, too bad he has some issue going on.
another great night with the girls and Mr. Porsche....I went to bed content!!!!! Aaaah!!!
I LOVE TO TEASE....
I admit it, I can definitely be a cock tease sometimes and well today I really was in the mood. I don't know what it was. I just decided that I needed to get do a little teasing. I had taken a pix of me lying down one night when I was putting my daughter to bed. Leaning on one hand, my hair over one eye and I was wearing my lounging pjs. basically, amazing cleavage in this thing. So i snapped a pix and it came out ok...my face doesn't look amazing but the pix is oozing with sexuality. So I cropped it just to see a little cleavage and I decided to put it on my yahoo messenger as my picture. now I am always offline but this time I went through the list of old frogs. those that I would want to tease, those that I would want to miss me.....and I just put them online.
I was working on my computer all day today so it was my amusement for the day.
First victim....my new guy. OMG, he fell right into a unexpected trap. I didn't even see this one coming. we just signed up for IM so I guess he didn't make the connection that it was me. He sent a note HEY and I responded hey sexy what's up. He started asking me questions he knew the answer to....and I still wasn't catching on that he didn't know who I was. I said to him why are you asking me this you know the answers to these questions, you should keep your ladies straight. He responded, if I had a woman like you, I wouldn't need other ladies. Is that really a recent pix? I was thinking he had a friend sitting there. So I responded...what is up with you? did you think I stole a gallery of someone elses pix? Anyway, he said wow, your quite the ballbuster....and he blocked me!! lol So I called him and said what is your problem....all if a sudden it clicked in his head and mine...that was me!!!! OMG, I am so embarrassed, I never saw that pix of you. I can't talk, I gotta take this call, and he hung up. A minute later, he asked to be my friend again....hahahahahahahaha. I think he is sooo embarrassed, I didn't hear a word from him today. How ridiculous if it is over before it begins because of that. I didn't realize he didn't know it was me. No wonder why he thought my responses were shocking....I am laying low on this one.
Next victim....the uncircumsized penis guy. do you remember him!?1? The one who said he only dates models and showed me his penis at the bar and I tied him up in his car. He wrote, wow, how are you? More babble and then wanted to know if I wanted to cam with him that he misses me on the cam. Uhmmmmm, let me think...NO THANKS...Great talking to you but I don't think we have much to say......no wait, he says, lets go out again. OH PLEASE!!!! My response, i dom't think so....
Next Victim....the Surgeon. Oh yes, this has been going on for years and we still haven't met. You are tempting me so, I can't do office hours. Holy crap, I need to meet you. But of course he has not plans on it. The men must be dying over that pix. Oh well, when you finally want to meet, let me know baby....hehehehehhehehe He came back on tonight....I reminded him that if we would have screwed once a week the past five years that would have been over 260 screws!! UGHHHHH!! I've used your pix so many times throughout the years to get off..its probably more than that now. And with this one, damn, I think its going to be twice a day. Too cute!!
next victim...the divorce attorney but I am mad at him so I didn't respond yet.
Oh well, such is life. a little amusement while I was working.
And tonight, I actually just turned my online on for all to see. And wow, the frogs that hopped in were amazing....four responses from guys I didn't even remember talking to and those that I vaguely remember. All saying how amazing I look, asking how I've been. Asking if I still am looking at married men....this is hysterical.
So, if you stay offline like I do and you have a long list of messenger people...try turning it on one day. You will be shocked at who comes out of the woodwork. I was on the phone tonight with Mr. Pulitzer...he asked me if I ever figured out how many men I went out with or blowed or slept with. Nope...way too many have come and gone. First dates that never amounted to anything. Online chats that never went anywhere. Truth is, I will sit down one day and try to figure it out. However, in my mind, there are only a few in my life that made a lasting impression. A few that pop into my head at times for one reason or another. A few that gave me strength, helped me build my sexuality, those that filled that endless empty void and honestly, I will always think positively about them. In my heart, I will be grateful to them for life for helping me through the darkest days. I don't know what I would have done without them.
A Toast to the Frogs!!!!!!!
I was working on my computer all day today so it was my amusement for the day.
First victim....my new guy. OMG, he fell right into a unexpected trap. I didn't even see this one coming. we just signed up for IM so I guess he didn't make the connection that it was me. He sent a note HEY and I responded hey sexy what's up. He started asking me questions he knew the answer to....and I still wasn't catching on that he didn't know who I was. I said to him why are you asking me this you know the answers to these questions, you should keep your ladies straight. He responded, if I had a woman like you, I wouldn't need other ladies. Is that really a recent pix? I was thinking he had a friend sitting there. So I responded...what is up with you? did you think I stole a gallery of someone elses pix? Anyway, he said wow, your quite the ballbuster....and he blocked me!! lol So I called him and said what is your problem....all if a sudden it clicked in his head and mine...that was me!!!! OMG, I am so embarrassed, I never saw that pix of you. I can't talk, I gotta take this call, and he hung up. A minute later, he asked to be my friend again....hahahahahahahaha. I think he is sooo embarrassed, I didn't hear a word from him today. How ridiculous if it is over before it begins because of that. I didn't realize he didn't know it was me. No wonder why he thought my responses were shocking....I am laying low on this one.
Next victim....the uncircumsized penis guy. do you remember him!?1? The one who said he only dates models and showed me his penis at the bar and I tied him up in his car. He wrote, wow, how are you? More babble and then wanted to know if I wanted to cam with him that he misses me on the cam. Uhmmmmm, let me think...NO THANKS...Great talking to you but I don't think we have much to say......no wait, he says, lets go out again. OH PLEASE!!!! My response, i dom't think so....
Next Victim....the Surgeon. Oh yes, this has been going on for years and we still haven't met. You are tempting me so, I can't do office hours. Holy crap, I need to meet you. But of course he has not plans on it. The men must be dying over that pix. Oh well, when you finally want to meet, let me know baby....hehehehehhehehe He came back on tonight....I reminded him that if we would have screwed once a week the past five years that would have been over 260 screws!! UGHHHHH!! I've used your pix so many times throughout the years to get off..its probably more than that now. And with this one, damn, I think its going to be twice a day. Too cute!!
next victim...the divorce attorney but I am mad at him so I didn't respond yet.
Oh well, such is life. a little amusement while I was working.
And tonight, I actually just turned my online on for all to see. And wow, the frogs that hopped in were amazing....four responses from guys I didn't even remember talking to and those that I vaguely remember. All saying how amazing I look, asking how I've been. Asking if I still am looking at married men....this is hysterical.
So, if you stay offline like I do and you have a long list of messenger people...try turning it on one day. You will be shocked at who comes out of the woodwork. I was on the phone tonight with Mr. Pulitzer...he asked me if I ever figured out how many men I went out with or blowed or slept with. Nope...way too many have come and gone. First dates that never amounted to anything. Online chats that never went anywhere. Truth is, I will sit down one day and try to figure it out. However, in my mind, there are only a few in my life that made a lasting impression. A few that pop into my head at times for one reason or another. A few that gave me strength, helped me build my sexuality, those that filled that endless empty void and honestly, I will always think positively about them. In my heart, I will be grateful to them for life for helping me through the darkest days. I don't know what I would have done without them.
A Toast to the Frogs!!!!!!!
Monday, June 28, 2010
The Power Of Guilt and Guiltless Infidelity
Ironically I was sitting here thinking about Guilt. How some things can bring on tremendous guilt within and others, while you think you would feel guilty, you don't. I feel guilt for almost everything in my life. Guilt on not finishing work, guilt on raising kids, guilt on not making a meeting, guilt on being late to an event, guilty about not calling a family member, guilty about not going to the gym GUILT, GUILT, GUILT. I feel more guilt than anything else.
However, the one area that I know, according to the world around me, I should feel tremendous guilt is with my infidelity. However, I do not. I should feel guilt about the married men I sleep with and the men's wives-I am with their husbands...but I do not. the hours of being on Ashley Madison and in search of a married man--but I do not. So I had to do some soul searching. Why do I not feel guilty? For a woman who once thought that cheating was disgusting-why the total turn around?
Being Stuck and desperate and so lonely. I did it out of a desperate need to escape and the desire to feel a connection again. I was dead inside, I wanted to be dead at one point. It was the high of talking and flirting online that kept me alive. And then the connection, the desire, the want, the need.....THE HIGH! It's as if I separated my lives into two neat worlds...never the two shall meet. How could I feel guilt for something that actually was keeping me alive?
And then my life started to slowly fall into some kind of shape and then I met men that brought me joy that no one else has ever brought me. So I reached a new level. Would I have stopped if I didn't find that wild sexual satisfaction? I don't know. I guess I will never know. But I still had never felt guilt. I felt more guilt when there were two frogs in my life at the same time then my infidelity. In fact, if the frogs had asked if there were others, I would never had lied. They did not ask, I did not tell.
So how did the lines get so muddy? The realization that I have slept with another woman's husband does not feel that great but its something I have blocked out. Oh I know they are married but I justify it because they feel the same way that I do. That misery, that void that needs to be filled. That emptiness and loneliness that I know so well. that room mate existence that comes to be.
Yet, then there are those that are happy with their lives, happy with their wives but just unsatisfied sexually. I do not judge. Personally, I do not think I would jeopardize my life I loved if I knew getting caught would cost me all the happiness.
I guess it is a scale. the Judging scale....the heavier side wins. reality, my scale was all one sided so there wasn't a real scale there. I knew what I had to do..maybe that is why it is guiltless. I also never did anything that got someone caught so I felt I never tore apart anyones marriage.
You come to this way of life and you take chances. It's a gamble. I have few regrets. Oh now that I know the outcomes, I would have skipped some frogs without a doubt. But a lot of the last few years has been a stepping stone to where i am today. And each one had been a lesson learned. Some harder than others, most worth the encounters.
I heard from Mr. Prize the other day. He is returning to his hometown to be with his family and wanted some closure. we have not seen each other in a long time nor have we spoken but the thought of closure was so hard for me. to severe the ties? We cannot severe ties and wrap them up into a box of memories and throw them in the river. Each frog will be with me for a lifetime. Each encounter may flashback at any time, any day, for any reason. It is a part of who we are. and hearing from Mr. Prize made me smile and remember how he helped me grow and the strength and confidence he gave to me sexually and as a person. Wow, the memories came back...he helped me grow and gave phenomenal advice and direction in many aspects of my life both mentally and sexually.
The one thing that I do know. There is not a frog that i hold any venom towards. Oh there are some that I would hardly remember, there are some that I would say what the hell did I even see in them...but for the most part, they are positive memories. And like Mr. Prize, if they called tomorrow I would smile--they are friends, a part of my life, a connection of my past, a building block.
So..I do not believe in regrets. I still am amazed at my lack of guilt but I guess does it really matter? Until you are here...until you feel that void that can almost drive you to suicide--you shouldn't judge.
A very good friend of mine is in the process of getting a divorce. girl gone wild!! I am amazed at her sexual freedom that she has found. I am enjoying hearing about her escapades since they reminded me so much of when i first began this journey and even more...when I went my wildest. have a matured over the years? In some ways, I have. I no longer have that dreamy, rose colored approach. Although with Mr. Astronaut, I got caught up in it again. The reality of that scared me but I have it more in check.
so there was my rant and my rave on guiltless infidelity. If I could just move it to the rest of my life--I would probably be better off.
However, the one area that I know, according to the world around me, I should feel tremendous guilt is with my infidelity. However, I do not. I should feel guilt about the married men I sleep with and the men's wives-I am with their husbands...but I do not. the hours of being on Ashley Madison and in search of a married man--but I do not. So I had to do some soul searching. Why do I not feel guilty? For a woman who once thought that cheating was disgusting-why the total turn around?
Being Stuck and desperate and so lonely. I did it out of a desperate need to escape and the desire to feel a connection again. I was dead inside, I wanted to be dead at one point. It was the high of talking and flirting online that kept me alive. And then the connection, the desire, the want, the need.....THE HIGH! It's as if I separated my lives into two neat worlds...never the two shall meet. How could I feel guilt for something that actually was keeping me alive?
And then my life started to slowly fall into some kind of shape and then I met men that brought me joy that no one else has ever brought me. So I reached a new level. Would I have stopped if I didn't find that wild sexual satisfaction? I don't know. I guess I will never know. But I still had never felt guilt. I felt more guilt when there were two frogs in my life at the same time then my infidelity. In fact, if the frogs had asked if there were others, I would never had lied. They did not ask, I did not tell.
So how did the lines get so muddy? The realization that I have slept with another woman's husband does not feel that great but its something I have blocked out. Oh I know they are married but I justify it because they feel the same way that I do. That misery, that void that needs to be filled. That emptiness and loneliness that I know so well. that room mate existence that comes to be.
Yet, then there are those that are happy with their lives, happy with their wives but just unsatisfied sexually. I do not judge. Personally, I do not think I would jeopardize my life I loved if I knew getting caught would cost me all the happiness.
I guess it is a scale. the Judging scale....the heavier side wins. reality, my scale was all one sided so there wasn't a real scale there. I knew what I had to do..maybe that is why it is guiltless. I also never did anything that got someone caught so I felt I never tore apart anyones marriage.
You come to this way of life and you take chances. It's a gamble. I have few regrets. Oh now that I know the outcomes, I would have skipped some frogs without a doubt. But a lot of the last few years has been a stepping stone to where i am today. And each one had been a lesson learned. Some harder than others, most worth the encounters.
I heard from Mr. Prize the other day. He is returning to his hometown to be with his family and wanted some closure. we have not seen each other in a long time nor have we spoken but the thought of closure was so hard for me. to severe the ties? We cannot severe ties and wrap them up into a box of memories and throw them in the river. Each frog will be with me for a lifetime. Each encounter may flashback at any time, any day, for any reason. It is a part of who we are. and hearing from Mr. Prize made me smile and remember how he helped me grow and the strength and confidence he gave to me sexually and as a person. Wow, the memories came back...he helped me grow and gave phenomenal advice and direction in many aspects of my life both mentally and sexually.
The one thing that I do know. There is not a frog that i hold any venom towards. Oh there are some that I would hardly remember, there are some that I would say what the hell did I even see in them...but for the most part, they are positive memories. And like Mr. Prize, if they called tomorrow I would smile--they are friends, a part of my life, a connection of my past, a building block.
So..I do not believe in regrets. I still am amazed at my lack of guilt but I guess does it really matter? Until you are here...until you feel that void that can almost drive you to suicide--you shouldn't judge.
A very good friend of mine is in the process of getting a divorce. girl gone wild!! I am amazed at her sexual freedom that she has found. I am enjoying hearing about her escapades since they reminded me so much of when i first began this journey and even more...when I went my wildest. have a matured over the years? In some ways, I have. I no longer have that dreamy, rose colored approach. Although with Mr. Astronaut, I got caught up in it again. The reality of that scared me but I have it more in check.
so there was my rant and my rave on guiltless infidelity. If I could just move it to the rest of my life--I would probably be better off.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Brazilian, Landing Strip or Just Trimmed?
Mr. Astronaut was suppose to come over this morning for some great sex. I cleared my morning and couldn't wait. I was so excited yesterday that I sent a note....Brazilian, Landing Strip or just trimmed? Unfortunately, sex has been so unfrequent that I can give him all those options! BUT I didn't hear back. Not a good sign. That usually means something came up with work. Grr...In the bath, I knew he was cancelling.
And 7AM this morning I get the text. I am wrapped up today, not sure I can get away. Will probably have to make it later in the week. Sorry. UGH!!!!! I spent the day yesterday straightening up the entire house with still more to go. I went with the landing strip and now there is nothing!!! Now, I know he can't control his job. Some stupid ass criminal decides to make a move and caused me to not get screwed today. I know I should be understanding, he's probably working on some big undercover drug deal or its something to do with homeland security (I am guessing...his job heats up and he travels funky places). But they couldn't fucking wait one day to make a move? They had to do it on a Sunday, the day before I am suppose to be getting laid. Quite frankly, I want to kick that person's ass right now. Excuse me Mr. Criminal...your timing sucks...I am horny, I am bitchy and right now I want to personally kick your ass. GRRRRR...he will never tell me but I always wonder when there is some huge security thing going down that I see on the news if he is part of it.
Mr. Porsche sent me some work analysis this morning. No note, no mention of my vicious note...I did my professional evaluation and sent the results back. no note, no words just my report. And now I decided to just throw myself into bed. I have so much work but I didn't plan to be doing it right now. Pout. yes, I am pouting. Cranky, cranky...I am going to throw myself into bed and pull the covers over my head.
And 7AM this morning I get the text. I am wrapped up today, not sure I can get away. Will probably have to make it later in the week. Sorry. UGH!!!!! I spent the day yesterday straightening up the entire house with still more to go. I went with the landing strip and now there is nothing!!! Now, I know he can't control his job. Some stupid ass criminal decides to make a move and caused me to not get screwed today. I know I should be understanding, he's probably working on some big undercover drug deal or its something to do with homeland security (I am guessing...his job heats up and he travels funky places). But they couldn't fucking wait one day to make a move? They had to do it on a Sunday, the day before I am suppose to be getting laid. Quite frankly, I want to kick that person's ass right now. Excuse me Mr. Criminal...your timing sucks...I am horny, I am bitchy and right now I want to personally kick your ass. GRRRRR...he will never tell me but I always wonder when there is some huge security thing going down that I see on the news if he is part of it.
Mr. Porsche sent me some work analysis this morning. No note, no mention of my vicious note...I did my professional evaluation and sent the results back. no note, no words just my report. And now I decided to just throw myself into bed. I have so much work but I didn't plan to be doing it right now. Pout. yes, I am pouting. Cranky, cranky...I am going to throw myself into bed and pull the covers over my head.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
My Life Described In ONE SIMPLE WORD....
Yes, it hit me like a ton of brick today. My life is filled with takers. Except for some close girlfriends...everyone is sucking me dry...so if I was looking for one word to describe it...UNAPPRECIATED would go across the board.
It was as if a lighting bulb went off in my head. At work, I am constantly pushed and pushed and pushed by a client. He reminds me how he has control of other aspects of my business as well and he takes and takes and takes. And the pressure is incredible. and I give and give and give. And quite frankly, I wouldn't mind giving, I enjoy seeing his business thrive. BUT when you feel unappreciated and disrespected....you explode. Happened again to me today....and he knows I am furious. Not sure how this will play out. We will either come to an understanding OR I will be out of a job. Actually 3 jobs..long story.
Then there is the family. Let's leave it as husband is sucking me dry again....taking advantage of me. And even our friends took advantage of me today......the hubby was with our friend today and they were golfing...long story short...they knew his child was sick and they took off. Hmmm..guess who had to run around town today dealing with that?
And then Mr. Porsche...we are not clicking lately. I realized I didn't have help tomorrow and we were suppose to meet. I wanted to meet in the morning...he said he would call me back and let me know. He didn't call. So.....I called at 6:45..basically said...if I don't hear from you by 7PM, I am assuming you don't want to meet tomorrow morning. I had enough. I am not feeling the caring from him lately nor his desire and I certainly won't deal with a mercy fuck....and I am not going to feel like he doesn't want to be with me. So he returned my call at 7:30 and I didn't pick up. Nor do I plan on picking up tomorrow or seeing him. If he misses me, if he wants me...hey, work a little...show some APPRECIATION!!!
A surprise text arrived today. It was Mr. Sensual....we went back and forth and we were joking and getting along and I started to remember why I liked him and thought how I missed him. Okay, I was funny today on text. He said that he never got to get a sample of the gifts I was giving away to clients. Jokingly I said to him..I had your gift, I just never got to give it to you. He asked if it was Lotion? Oh yes, I said....fresh, natural lotion. He returned his remark...oh I love going green! And I said....its the freshest..collected right from the bush....we both started to laugh...he was dying.
And somehow we got to us....and what we had...and when I asked him if our conversation was turning him on...at first he said it was the naked pix on the computer....AND this is when I realized..this is why I didn't want anything more to do with him. It KILLS him to say...that he was hard from texting me..to him, it shows vulnerability.....over and over...thats what I couldn't take about him and now I remember what it was....and I knew I was turning him on...and he missed me BUT I also knew once he made that comment...I was done and I remember why..LOL
Too bad...he was a nice person...just so afraid of letting his wall down...so what if he was turned on? As if it was a sign of weakness.
So it was another stressful day in the World of Cheri..
It was as if a lighting bulb went off in my head. At work, I am constantly pushed and pushed and pushed by a client. He reminds me how he has control of other aspects of my business as well and he takes and takes and takes. And the pressure is incredible. and I give and give and give. And quite frankly, I wouldn't mind giving, I enjoy seeing his business thrive. BUT when you feel unappreciated and disrespected....you explode. Happened again to me today....and he knows I am furious. Not sure how this will play out. We will either come to an understanding OR I will be out of a job. Actually 3 jobs..long story.
Then there is the family. Let's leave it as husband is sucking me dry again....taking advantage of me. And even our friends took advantage of me today......the hubby was with our friend today and they were golfing...long story short...they knew his child was sick and they took off. Hmmm..guess who had to run around town today dealing with that?
And then Mr. Porsche...we are not clicking lately. I realized I didn't have help tomorrow and we were suppose to meet. I wanted to meet in the morning...he said he would call me back and let me know. He didn't call. So.....I called at 6:45..basically said...if I don't hear from you by 7PM, I am assuming you don't want to meet tomorrow morning. I had enough. I am not feeling the caring from him lately nor his desire and I certainly won't deal with a mercy fuck....and I am not going to feel like he doesn't want to be with me. So he returned my call at 7:30 and I didn't pick up. Nor do I plan on picking up tomorrow or seeing him. If he misses me, if he wants me...hey, work a little...show some APPRECIATION!!!
A surprise text arrived today. It was Mr. Sensual....we went back and forth and we were joking and getting along and I started to remember why I liked him and thought how I missed him. Okay, I was funny today on text. He said that he never got to get a sample of the gifts I was giving away to clients. Jokingly I said to him..I had your gift, I just never got to give it to you. He asked if it was Lotion? Oh yes, I said....fresh, natural lotion. He returned his remark...oh I love going green! And I said....its the freshest..collected right from the bush....we both started to laugh...he was dying.
And somehow we got to us....and what we had...and when I asked him if our conversation was turning him on...at first he said it was the naked pix on the computer....AND this is when I realized..this is why I didn't want anything more to do with him. It KILLS him to say...that he was hard from texting me..to him, it shows vulnerability.....over and over...thats what I couldn't take about him and now I remember what it was....and I knew I was turning him on...and he missed me BUT I also knew once he made that comment...I was done and I remember why..LOL
Too bad...he was a nice person...just so afraid of letting his wall down...so what if he was turned on? As if it was a sign of weakness.
So it was another stressful day in the World of Cheri..
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Did I dream it?
All of a sudden, its as if the hubby said nothing. He gets annoyed when we were out shopping and he was ridiculing our child about a selection on bedroom furniture. That's gay looking and ugly. Hey, its my kids choice...keep your stupid comments to yourself. I brought him there to select what he wanted for his room. And it was his choice...I just looked at the hubby and said...so for your own bed when you move out, you can get the other one. He immediately shut up and started talking under his breath. I proceeded to work with my son to see if we could mix and match and if the colors were the same. They were very close so he chose what he wanted.
I did a lot around the house this weekend. I am outside, trimming the landscape, planting plants while the son and hubby are watching LaCrosse on tv. amazing....Anyway, I am happy with what I got done and scarily...I do worry about doing it all. I still have so much to do and its hard by myself.
Mr. Porsche has been a little distant. I am still not sure...when we are on the phone, things are fine. But we haven't been together in over three weeks. We talk all the time, saw each other for lunch but no afternoon rendezvous'. We are in a weird place right now. He says he wants my help for work but then he says hes afraid that its going to cost too much...he can't afford me. geez, I take that as an insult...I barely charge him anything and I give him everything at cost. Not sure if he meant me or the whole idea of expanding. Anyway, there is friction. I wrote him and asked, he didn't answer. I am sure it will come up again.
Today we spoke.....he had heard a commercial that I did and he was laughing. He was shocked to hear my voice coming through his radio...hahahahha...he can't escape me....didn't mention us meeting, didn't mention anything really although it was a great conversation..he's callling later, I am sure it will come up then.
Went on Ashley Madison again.....just to browse...but I am still not up to the cat and mouse game right now. Two guys on there that I met were SMOKIN. I mean they were certainly every girls dream. However, with my confidence so shot lately, I had decided not to pursue them at this time. They both took it as rejection and ironically they are pursuing me even harder now. As one said...I am never rejected, now I see what it feels like and it sucks. I explained that it wasn't rejection...I was just busy. I guess women are never busy for them...lol
Okay, one last thing.....I am going to be putting a comment approval on the site before a post is allowed to be posted. I love the comments and I encourage them...you guys are a huge support to me. You don't have to agree with me, you don't have to like what I am doing or even support me....BUT I will not be disrespected on my own site. "You get what you deserve comments" from someone who can't even claim an identity....I am not going to stand here and have someone who wishes me harm on my site. You dom't have to agree, you don't have to encourage..you can even disagree with me BUT to hope I fall flat on my face and wish me harm.....nope, I am not entertaining those comments.
So...please continue to comment....there shouldn't be that big of a delay because I have my blackberry. And for the gentleman who commented and didn't think I would get it because he posted on an earlier post...I do get them. And yes, Ashley is not just filled with fuck me and leave me people. Therre are people on there for many different reasons....and filling a void like you explained is exactly why I am there...
xoxoxox ALL....Enjoy the day!!
I did a lot around the house this weekend. I am outside, trimming the landscape, planting plants while the son and hubby are watching LaCrosse on tv. amazing....Anyway, I am happy with what I got done and scarily...I do worry about doing it all. I still have so much to do and its hard by myself.
Mr. Porsche has been a little distant. I am still not sure...when we are on the phone, things are fine. But we haven't been together in over three weeks. We talk all the time, saw each other for lunch but no afternoon rendezvous'. We are in a weird place right now. He says he wants my help for work but then he says hes afraid that its going to cost too much...he can't afford me. geez, I take that as an insult...I barely charge him anything and I give him everything at cost. Not sure if he meant me or the whole idea of expanding. Anyway, there is friction. I wrote him and asked, he didn't answer. I am sure it will come up again.
Today we spoke.....he had heard a commercial that I did and he was laughing. He was shocked to hear my voice coming through his radio...hahahahha...he can't escape me....didn't mention us meeting, didn't mention anything really although it was a great conversation..he's callling later, I am sure it will come up then.
Went on Ashley Madison again.....just to browse...but I am still not up to the cat and mouse game right now. Two guys on there that I met were SMOKIN. I mean they were certainly every girls dream. However, with my confidence so shot lately, I had decided not to pursue them at this time. They both took it as rejection and ironically they are pursuing me even harder now. As one said...I am never rejected, now I see what it feels like and it sucks. I explained that it wasn't rejection...I was just busy. I guess women are never busy for them...lol
Okay, one last thing.....I am going to be putting a comment approval on the site before a post is allowed to be posted. I love the comments and I encourage them...you guys are a huge support to me. You don't have to agree with me, you don't have to like what I am doing or even support me....BUT I will not be disrespected on my own site. "You get what you deserve comments" from someone who can't even claim an identity....I am not going to stand here and have someone who wishes me harm on my site. You dom't have to agree, you don't have to encourage..you can even disagree with me BUT to hope I fall flat on my face and wish me harm.....nope, I am not entertaining those comments.
So...please continue to comment....there shouldn't be that big of a delay because I have my blackberry. And for the gentleman who commented and didn't think I would get it because he posted on an earlier post...I do get them. And yes, Ashley is not just filled with fuck me and leave me people. Therre are people on there for many different reasons....and filling a void like you explained is exactly why I am there...
xoxoxox ALL....Enjoy the day!!
Sunday, April 12, 2009
A Key To Your Private Showcase-- YUM!!
I find when I am depressed and bordering total frustration and anger...I turn to Ashley. It's liberating, addicting and quite frankly...I want to get laid. Simple as that, hot sex...I need it and I need it bad. Mystery Man's absence has left me empty. This time, he is gone. I am angry. So I am tired of turning to the cake for empty calories and absolutely no satisfaction.
I am hitting the gym again tomorrow. I am starting to get my damn life in order. AND....I am starting over. Yes, drastic measures need to be taken here. I am falling deeper and deeper into a depression and I need to stop this free falling. I have to confess one thing....if I knew it was going to hurt this much when he left, if I knew that I was going to feel such a void so deep and for so long --I should have never started this. Then of course I think about the flashbacks and I wouldn't give one second up that we had. I guess right now the hurt is just not subsiding. I miss our rendezvous, I miss our emails...while I didn't know him, I did..parts of him that I cared about.
Okay, so what do you do when you are feeling like this? Your heart profusely bleeding with heartache....you grab some gauze pads and bandaids....You head to the Ashley Madison search.....
Yup! Tonight I went wild!!!!! Looked for all the damn hotties and all the men that were kind of cute and had nice profiles. Yup!! I went on a Private Showcase Key Hunt! 20 men!! Yes, 20 men.
My girlfriend has been going wild on there. She has had a date each night this week with a different man. It's amazing. I wonder if our standards are different? She is finding all these great men....she's juggling them all like a pro. And it amazes me how she is having fun with so many of them.
I want one good frog. One frog that is intelligent, sweet, quick witted and very sexual. I found it once, there's gotta be another one on there for a long term fling. I'm not looking for love..I am looking for passion, desire, hot sex!!!!!!!!!!!
So I will let ya know how the Private Keys turn out! Yes, its reckless time.....I am on a mission..but for now, I am going to crawl up on my couch right now and have a good cry...the tears are already flowing as I am typing...Overworked, underpaid, lonely is a suck feeling.
I am hitting the gym again tomorrow. I am starting to get my damn life in order. AND....I am starting over. Yes, drastic measures need to be taken here. I am falling deeper and deeper into a depression and I need to stop this free falling. I have to confess one thing....if I knew it was going to hurt this much when he left, if I knew that I was going to feel such a void so deep and for so long --I should have never started this. Then of course I think about the flashbacks and I wouldn't give one second up that we had. I guess right now the hurt is just not subsiding. I miss our rendezvous, I miss our emails...while I didn't know him, I did..parts of him that I cared about.
Okay, so what do you do when you are feeling like this? Your heart profusely bleeding with heartache....you grab some gauze pads and bandaids....You head to the Ashley Madison search.....
Yup! Tonight I went wild!!!!! Looked for all the damn hotties and all the men that were kind of cute and had nice profiles. Yup!! I went on a Private Showcase Key Hunt! 20 men!! Yes, 20 men.
My girlfriend has been going wild on there. She has had a date each night this week with a different man. It's amazing. I wonder if our standards are different? She is finding all these great men....she's juggling them all like a pro. And it amazes me how she is having fun with so many of them.
I want one good frog. One frog that is intelligent, sweet, quick witted and very sexual. I found it once, there's gotta be another one on there for a long term fling. I'm not looking for love..I am looking for passion, desire, hot sex!!!!!!!!!!!
So I will let ya know how the Private Keys turn out! Yes, its reckless time.....I am on a mission..but for now, I am going to crawl up on my couch right now and have a good cry...the tears are already flowing as I am typing...Overworked, underpaid, lonely is a suck feeling.
Friday, March 27, 2009
The Devil's Elf- Spreading the Ashley Madison Secret
Yes, the underground world of Ashley Madison. A secret place that most married people do not know exists. A double life with a seductive side. So hot, so exciting...yet we walk around in the real world and no one knows we are a member of this secret society. Makes you think, how many people do you know are members of OTHER secret societies that we just don't know about. A newscaster gets murdered in is apartment and was found to be soliciting 16 year olds on Facebooks. Yikes....not the way you want to leave this world.
So should I feel guilty that I tell people about a secret society that gives me so much pleasure! I mean lets face it....if it wasn't for Ashley Madison and the secret married but looking world, if I didn't find that having an extramarital affair was so damn hot and fulfilling, I would be miserable now. I have learned so much about myself and my body. I have found sinful joy...sinful lust and most importantly hot, hot, did I say super hot sex!
I would never know the joy of orgasming until your body is in bliss. I would never know the sensation of a blindfold and a lover who can do me in so many different position that I am amazed there is even that many positions. I have tried anal sex and loved it. I have tried whipped cream, chocolate pudding, pop rocks and numerous other items. I have felt lustful, passionate sex as well as slow, intense sex.....I have met lots of people and have even advanced my career.....lol
My point?! I have one friend who is going wild on there, literally screwing about six guys. I worry about her safety, I do not want to be responsible for that. I also just introduced a friend from childhood to the secret society. A boy that I knew when I was 7! His marriage is really bad and he was telling me and I was biting my tongue and not saying anything and after three weeks of chatting, I finally said--you should check out Ashley Madison. He has now joined and has two meetings next week. Why do I feel responsible? Why do I feel like I am helping spread the devil's message? Like the devil's elf! I guess I am so happy with Ashley, I want others who are miserable to find this special lustful place!
Today I got an email from one of the guys I have been chatting with. We are going to go slow and be friends? He confessed this morning that the past three days he has looked at my picture and masturbated...my oh my! I asked him..... was I good? What a bizarre feeling to know you are sleeping and someone is looking at your pix and jerking off. Hmmmm.....gotta think how I feel about that...
Well today is another day...you know my theory, leave yesterday behind. And I am glad I left yesterday behind, I was in a bad place. Working hard to stay positive today....I love Fridays. It's my day off. Well its technically my day off but I have never taken the day off. But it feels good to feel like you are catching up on the week (even though I am working just as hard)...hmm..something isn't right about that.
Enjoy the day!!!!!!!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Created A Sex Maniac
So if you remember awhile back, I turned a friend onto Ashley Madison. She has a boyfriend but quite frankly, he's a stick in the mud. She is like his pretend wife, running errands for him, taking care of his children......hmmm...doesn't sound exciting to me. And I could see she was missing something. So, I told her to go to Ashley.
Well, well, well....she has really been living it up. I can't even keep track of her. She has been with more men in the last three weeks then I think I have in the last three years. Her days are filled with lunch sex, after work sex, evening dinners and blowjobs. She is doing it in motels, back of cars.....she is going WILD! And she likes each man for a different reason so it is hard for her to choose. A similiar situation happened to her...the man she was with, the first one who she liked a lot, kept his distance. She felt it was over. She hadn't heard from him in a few weeks. And then he popped in again. Is that the norm? Why do men do that? Women need to know where they stand....men seem to not care. Women look for closure...men seem to be okay with things lingering and they assume you have been sitting around waiting for them.
This guy is her MM. She had a great time with him. He melted her. I am beginning to think it may be that motel. I recommended her to go there and they had an amazing time. Well, now she is a regular there. Funny story, she was with one man at 11AM there and then returned that evening to the same motel with another guy. WOW.....half jokingly I told her that the motel is going to think you are a prostitute. So now she keeps thanking me for telling her about Ashley Madison Agency. I keep telling her not to thank me that I did not create this, she is the one who has chosen this life now. I just gave her the website address. the girl is flying high! It is so funny.
I don't know, silly as it may sound. I have never been with any guy to the motel where Mystery Man and I went. That was our place. Such memories, such fun, such a connection--I wouldn't be able to do someone else in that motel. And that is a great place.....but its as if it is our place. I wonder if he ever took anyone else there? I hope not. I know it is silly but I don't think I can ever do anyone else there. Too many flashbacks, too much amazing sex....
So I guess I created a sex maniac. Geez, I don't want that on my head. Today she went to a psychiatrist's office and screwed him on his couch....lol I think she had two guys dicks in her mouth every day this week....her vibrator must miss her terribly!
Well, well, well....she has really been living it up. I can't even keep track of her. She has been with more men in the last three weeks then I think I have in the last three years. Her days are filled with lunch sex, after work sex, evening dinners and blowjobs. She is doing it in motels, back of cars.....she is going WILD! And she likes each man for a different reason so it is hard for her to choose. A similiar situation happened to her...the man she was with, the first one who she liked a lot, kept his distance. She felt it was over. She hadn't heard from him in a few weeks. And then he popped in again. Is that the norm? Why do men do that? Women need to know where they stand....men seem to not care. Women look for closure...men seem to be okay with things lingering and they assume you have been sitting around waiting for them.
This guy is her MM. She had a great time with him. He melted her. I am beginning to think it may be that motel. I recommended her to go there and they had an amazing time. Well, now she is a regular there. Funny story, she was with one man at 11AM there and then returned that evening to the same motel with another guy. WOW.....half jokingly I told her that the motel is going to think you are a prostitute. So now she keeps thanking me for telling her about Ashley Madison Agency. I keep telling her not to thank me that I did not create this, she is the one who has chosen this life now. I just gave her the website address. the girl is flying high! It is so funny.
I don't know, silly as it may sound. I have never been with any guy to the motel where Mystery Man and I went. That was our place. Such memories, such fun, such a connection--I wouldn't be able to do someone else in that motel. And that is a great place.....but its as if it is our place. I wonder if he ever took anyone else there? I hope not. I know it is silly but I don't think I can ever do anyone else there. Too many flashbacks, too much amazing sex....
So I guess I created a sex maniac. Geez, I don't want that on my head. Today she went to a psychiatrist's office and screwed him on his couch....lol I think she had two guys dicks in her mouth every day this week....her vibrator must miss her terribly!
Friday, March 06, 2009
God Bless The Frogs Today, The Venom Was Flying
Okay, I admit it. Today I was in rare form. Any male who came within inches of me felt the bite of my venom....yes, it had to be me today because I was at in rare form. First, Security Man....I finally figured it out about him. His sarcasm is bordering insulting at times, or its not insulting as it is designed to get a rise out of me. Well have you noticed lately, I have had more than enough drama in my life so when I finally hit it on the head---for a man who requested no drama--he was being the King Of Drama. So I finally said...listen you are working hard to get a rise out of me today but it isn't going to work....you love drama don't you? Well I hit a nerve, but now I went for it. Look, my life is drama..if you need drama, hang with your wife. I am not into any more in my life. He was shocked. And then he apologized and the emails took a nicer but definitely different tone. I don't know, since MM is gone...I haven't really wanted to see him.. as if I am blaming him for MM leaving but that isn't the truth. It was me.
Mr. P certainly didn't get away from the venom. We were working great together and suddenly we came to a roadblock. Oh it hit a nerve and I began to discuss it intensely with him and then he said something and I could feel the volcano eruption occurring.....when I get like that....I can't explain it....I can feel the anger about to explode....when I get like that, I just hang up on him. It's the easiest and safest thing for both of us. He knows me so well (and now I am laughing but I wasn't then)....he waits a little bit and then will call back and calmly talk to me, beginning with ....somehow we got discounted, can you believe it!?! And then he will say--the answer is NO, you are still going to work with me, I need you. We then usually will start on neutral ground and we work it out. It's hard, so emotionally close to the situation its tough to not want to see him progress quickly.
Next Round....one more client. The doctor from Ashley who became my client. Similiar situation today, he was going to handle it. Okay...fine I said. However, when I got to his office, the right players were there and the end result was great. No problems...
Final Round...the hubby. Last night he made a comment under his breath "I can't wait to get the fuck out of here". Well, I waited till tonight..when something else came up. And I finally said you can't wait to get the fuck out....GO!!!! It was getting ugly....oh and if you think I am going to come back like the guy across the street and take care of the kids for you, its not happening. Aaah....of course not, I can't get you to take care of them now....you wouldn't be a good dad, I knew that...please....
So today, I was a fighter not a lover. Except for the hubby, the others were fights that ended in good ways. The hubby, well trust me, he is showing his true colors. He's only here because he can't afford to leave. That is the reality..
And, throw all this crap....somehow I miss MM....I think the anger is here. The anger he would just leave....double damn standard...no response from him after I wrote....he gave me what I needed...I make one mistake...a blog...and he is in total uproar.
So....today was an emotionally draining day.....I just want to cry. Oh, good news...my friend finally arrived so I guess I should cancel the appearance on the Maury show....lol
Mr. P certainly didn't get away from the venom. We were working great together and suddenly we came to a roadblock. Oh it hit a nerve and I began to discuss it intensely with him and then he said something and I could feel the volcano eruption occurring.....when I get like that....I can't explain it....I can feel the anger about to explode....when I get like that, I just hang up on him. It's the easiest and safest thing for both of us. He knows me so well (and now I am laughing but I wasn't then)....he waits a little bit and then will call back and calmly talk to me, beginning with ....somehow we got discounted, can you believe it!?! And then he will say--the answer is NO, you are still going to work with me, I need you. We then usually will start on neutral ground and we work it out. It's hard, so emotionally close to the situation its tough to not want to see him progress quickly.
Next Round....one more client. The doctor from Ashley who became my client. Similiar situation today, he was going to handle it. Okay...fine I said. However, when I got to his office, the right players were there and the end result was great. No problems...
Final Round...the hubby. Last night he made a comment under his breath "I can't wait to get the fuck out of here". Well, I waited till tonight..when something else came up. And I finally said you can't wait to get the fuck out....GO!!!! It was getting ugly....oh and if you think I am going to come back like the guy across the street and take care of the kids for you, its not happening. Aaah....of course not, I can't get you to take care of them now....you wouldn't be a good dad, I knew that...please....
So today, I was a fighter not a lover. Except for the hubby, the others were fights that ended in good ways. The hubby, well trust me, he is showing his true colors. He's only here because he can't afford to leave. That is the reality..
And, throw all this crap....somehow I miss MM....I think the anger is here. The anger he would just leave....double damn standard...no response from him after I wrote....he gave me what I needed...I make one mistake...a blog...and he is in total uproar.
So....today was an emotionally draining day.....I just want to cry. Oh, good news...my friend finally arrived so I guess I should cancel the appearance on the Maury show....lol
Thursday, October 09, 2008
The gentleman who commented have a good point. And it amazes me how just from my blog posts you can feel my mood. Feel my contentment. Yes, I am content. Yes, I am happy. I have Mr. Porsche who fulfills me in so many ways. But he doesn't go into the emotion section. He's a pussycat in his own way but he's a toughee. Type A controlling all the way. I do soften him and he has admitted that it does surprise him how he cares about me.
Mystery Man......its that part of me that was void....that he fulfills. That making love part feels so goood. that soft, sweet, gentle sex that we had...the connection that I long for. He does give me that. So having him back in my life (even if it was for a day)...fills my heart and voids.
The new man. Seems to pick up where MM stops. He is the newness, the future potential. He is very nice, respectful...I like him. I don't think he's the womanizer that I thought he was but we will see.
So....right this moment....I am definitely content. Emotionally, physically and mentally. And it certainly helps that my career seems to be getting on track. I put a proposal that would make me an additional $26,000 next year. And a new potential client and then this big convention --I have opportunity. So if I can close all that up.....financially I will be securer. Something that would certainly make me more content and help out so badly. Make those horrible anxiety nights lessen. I know money doesn't buy happiness. But when you are in financial trouble, it lcertainly can worsen your frame of mind and cause inner turmoil. And mostly, I am proud of myself. If I can pull this off.....yes, I did it myself.
So Cheri is a happy, overworked but inner peace is so damn wonderful. And when a day starts to slip...I have my flashbacks of MM going deep inside of me and Mr. Porsche whispering in my ear as he goes deep inside me....or looking up to seeing MM's smiling face as I am sucking his cock......Umm...I think you get it. Damn, now I am horny.....lol
Mystery Man......its that part of me that was void....that he fulfills. That making love part feels so goood. that soft, sweet, gentle sex that we had...the connection that I long for. He does give me that. So having him back in my life (even if it was for a day)...fills my heart and voids.
The new man. Seems to pick up where MM stops. He is the newness, the future potential. He is very nice, respectful...I like him. I don't think he's the womanizer that I thought he was but we will see.
So....right this moment....I am definitely content. Emotionally, physically and mentally. And it certainly helps that my career seems to be getting on track. I put a proposal that would make me an additional $26,000 next year. And a new potential client and then this big convention --I have opportunity. So if I can close all that up.....financially I will be securer. Something that would certainly make me more content and help out so badly. Make those horrible anxiety nights lessen. I know money doesn't buy happiness. But when you are in financial trouble, it lcertainly can worsen your frame of mind and cause inner turmoil. And mostly, I am proud of myself. If I can pull this off.....yes, I did it myself.
So Cheri is a happy, overworked but inner peace is so damn wonderful. And when a day starts to slip...I have my flashbacks of MM going deep inside of me and Mr. Porsche whispering in my ear as he goes deep inside me....or looking up to seeing MM's smiling face as I am sucking his cock......Umm...I think you get it. Damn, now I am horny.....lol
Thursday, August 14, 2008
An Empty Crater In My Heart
I started the day off in a real bad way. Feeling overworked and sad and ALONE. I have worked like a dog today and I feel so unappreciated. A client calls today-yes, the one who made me cry. All of a sudden he was sweeter than sugar. He needed me for something. Yes, it's this one client that truly takes advantage and works me to the bone.
My phone rang again. It was a friend who had bad news....my child's friend had died in their sleep. Secret Lovers Lane is not a place for kids, but with my life entwining so lately....and my emotions in flux..my different parts of my life are crossing. A sinking feeling and tears filled my eyes. With out getting into detail, we all dedicate our lives to our children....however, with a child with severe disabilities....the dedication is tremendous. You give your heart, your soul, your life...my heart ached for this mom today. And I have not been able to get this child's face out of my head. A child who was always happy and smiling and always filled my heart with warmth when I saw him. This child was extremely special demonstrating amazing strength with so much working against him. So I have a wake next week that is going to be heart wrenching.
The rest of the day, I threw myself into my work. Trying not to come out of it but the emptiness was so deep that it actually hurt. My chest hurts today. I kind of looked around and said What am I doing? I work like crazy to pay for a house, doing a job that I am underpaid for and stuck in a marriage that is loveless and not able to spend quality time with my children. Something
isn't right here.
And then....Mystery Man came to my head. Yes, my heart is aching for him too. How I wish that I could run to him and just get lost in his arms. How I can see us lying together as I gently kiss his face from his lips to his ear and so gently back again. How flashbacks of us fucking from behind as I look up at him and I can feel our souls connect and he would smile and throw me a kiss in the mirror. I don't know how we can leave that behind.....how I realize now how he was my escape from it all. How our bodies just melded together and our souls healed each other. I have held myself back all night from sending him an email...just saying I had to let you know, I Miss You So Much Tonight. But I didn't send it.
the truth is I don't even want to go upstairs tonight. The tears are finally falling now and I am not sure exaclty why I am crying. I think its the just the whole ball of wax...hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I haven't felt like this in a long time.....a definite depression. Sweet Dreams My Friend!!
My phone rang again. It was a friend who had bad news....my child's friend had died in their sleep. Secret Lovers Lane is not a place for kids, but with my life entwining so lately....and my emotions in flux..my different parts of my life are crossing. A sinking feeling and tears filled my eyes. With out getting into detail, we all dedicate our lives to our children....however, with a child with severe disabilities....the dedication is tremendous. You give your heart, your soul, your life...my heart ached for this mom today. And I have not been able to get this child's face out of my head. A child who was always happy and smiling and always filled my heart with warmth when I saw him. This child was extremely special demonstrating amazing strength with so much working against him. So I have a wake next week that is going to be heart wrenching.
The rest of the day, I threw myself into my work. Trying not to come out of it but the emptiness was so deep that it actually hurt. My chest hurts today. I kind of looked around and said What am I doing? I work like crazy to pay for a house, doing a job that I am underpaid for and stuck in a marriage that is loveless and not able to spend quality time with my children. Something
isn't right here.
And then....Mystery Man came to my head. Yes, my heart is aching for him too. How I wish that I could run to him and just get lost in his arms. How I can see us lying together as I gently kiss his face from his lips to his ear and so gently back again. How flashbacks of us fucking from behind as I look up at him and I can feel our souls connect and he would smile and throw me a kiss in the mirror. I don't know how we can leave that behind.....how I realize now how he was my escape from it all. How our bodies just melded together and our souls healed each other. I have held myself back all night from sending him an email...just saying I had to let you know, I Miss You So Much Tonight. But I didn't send it.
the truth is I don't even want to go upstairs tonight. The tears are finally falling now and I am not sure exaclty why I am crying. I think its the just the whole ball of wax...hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I haven't felt like this in a long time.....a definite depression. Sweet Dreams My Friend!!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Afraid of Getting Old and All Stressed!
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Monday, May 12, 2008
Her Lips Watering At the Thought of His Cock...
with her lips watering, she thinks about her lover. Flashback to his cock going so deep inside of her mouth...perfectly fitting to the back of her throat. A vision of him thrusting inside of her so deep...hitting the perfect spot and she parts her legs and sees his sexy smile. Wait.....she's standing at the end of the bed with one leg up and her lover is entering her from behind. But now, he has chosen anal......so tight....but she relaxes, knowing that once he enters, the feeling will be like no other....paradise.....desire. An afternoon with her lover leaves her fulfilled, content, without a care in the world......
Yes, she wonders, when will I see him again? She can feel the desire growing within her......her lips unconsciously watering with the thought of his sweet juices exploding in her mouth.......oh when will she be able to escape and visit paradise with him again?
So....I sent this to Mystery Man.....do you think I will get an email back? yes, he read a card I sent to him....but no response. I can feel my anticipation and nervousness growing....while my masturbation thoughts have been about Mr. Porsche.....I cannot help but desire Mystery Man. I can't masturbate thinking about him...its strange...yet, I daydream of our sex together and I salvate and get wet when I envision his cock.
Mr. Porsche...looks like he's flying out of town for business and won't be able to fit me in before.
so let's see....I have two lovers and I can't get laid? Unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, she wonders, when will I see him again? She can feel the desire growing within her......her lips unconsciously watering with the thought of his sweet juices exploding in her mouth.......oh when will she be able to escape and visit paradise with him again?
So....I sent this to Mystery Man.....do you think I will get an email back? yes, he read a card I sent to him....but no response. I can feel my anticipation and nervousness growing....while my masturbation thoughts have been about Mr. Porsche.....I cannot help but desire Mystery Man. I can't masturbate thinking about him...its strange...yet, I daydream of our sex together and I salvate and get wet when I envision his cock.
Mr. Porsche...looks like he's flying out of town for business and won't be able to fit me in before.
so let's see....I have two lovers and I can't get laid? Unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, April 28, 2008
The Best Defense is Affair Offense
Like I have said before, my marital wandering is not the reason for my marriage falling apart. My marriage was falling apart is its own thing. My wanting to leave my husband is my own thing. Totally separate. So his little undertones of joking to other people like...she's with her boyfriend. Is unacceptable. That's an easy excuse to blame everything on and not his short fallings.
Yesterday (after my girlfriend said that he said it joking). I confronted him on it. Basically saying he was an idiot and didnt he see all the men lined up for years at the door? what about the ones I have hidden in the closet? It came to a head yesterday because Mr. Electric called me in the morning. He kept questioning who it was. Now, we haven't hung out in a long time. With his divorce pending and my situation (and after his call girls situation), we fizzled quickly but we are still supporting friends for each other. I have no desire to be with him, he's a bud now.
Anyway, that's when I couldn't take the suffocation anymore. So two hours later, I addressed it. He backed off immediately.
My last serious relationship before my husband was a guy who I knew was cheating on me BUT I could never 100% catch him. Even after we parted, he denied it (though the proof was there). At that time in my life, I had a different perspective on cheating. And quite frankly, it was the fact that he chose to be with her when my grandmother died and his whole family was with me at my house. He was working...oh sure he was...so I guess I learned from him. The best defense is offense.
I had a long talk with Mandy last night. She was at the same point of her marriage a few years back and they turned it around to a degree(she still doesn't like fucking him but she does). So if you aren't 100% happy, why do you stay? He helps me now, he worships me, we cuddle, we're friends but the sex just isn't there for me. I can't imagine pulling it back together. The thought of giving up sexual fulfillment now that I know how amazing it is...is like committing yourself to life in a low security prison. So, even if he turns around totally and the sexual feeling is still not there.....can I settle? I don't think that I can.
I cried last night in the tub. Realizing that I am going to be breaking up my marriage. wishing miracles of love would shine down. but its not. The good news, the tears finally made my migraine go away. I have had a migraine since I told him.
So in conclusion, I need a good sex session. I need to escape to heaven and beyond! Mystery Man has not emailed me. Granted he probably got back last night and starting to work. I don't expect to hear from him till tonight or tomorrow. BUT I have a pit in my stomach. What happens if he is gone again? I hate uneasiness.
When my nerves are shot and i feel insecurity with him. I find myself running back to ashley for a peak. Saw a few interesting profiles. asked for pix. Who knows? Time will tell.
Yesterday (after my girlfriend said that he said it joking). I confronted him on it. Basically saying he was an idiot and didnt he see all the men lined up for years at the door? what about the ones I have hidden in the closet? It came to a head yesterday because Mr. Electric called me in the morning. He kept questioning who it was. Now, we haven't hung out in a long time. With his divorce pending and my situation (and after his call girls situation), we fizzled quickly but we are still supporting friends for each other. I have no desire to be with him, he's a bud now.
Anyway, that's when I couldn't take the suffocation anymore. So two hours later, I addressed it. He backed off immediately.
My last serious relationship before my husband was a guy who I knew was cheating on me BUT I could never 100% catch him. Even after we parted, he denied it (though the proof was there). At that time in my life, I had a different perspective on cheating. And quite frankly, it was the fact that he chose to be with her when my grandmother died and his whole family was with me at my house. He was working...oh sure he was...so I guess I learned from him. The best defense is offense.
I had a long talk with Mandy last night. She was at the same point of her marriage a few years back and they turned it around to a degree(she still doesn't like fucking him but she does). So if you aren't 100% happy, why do you stay? He helps me now, he worships me, we cuddle, we're friends but the sex just isn't there for me. I can't imagine pulling it back together. The thought of giving up sexual fulfillment now that I know how amazing it is...is like committing yourself to life in a low security prison. So, even if he turns around totally and the sexual feeling is still not there.....can I settle? I don't think that I can.
I cried last night in the tub. Realizing that I am going to be breaking up my marriage. wishing miracles of love would shine down. but its not. The good news, the tears finally made my migraine go away. I have had a migraine since I told him.
So in conclusion, I need a good sex session. I need to escape to heaven and beyond! Mystery Man has not emailed me. Granted he probably got back last night and starting to work. I don't expect to hear from him till tonight or tomorrow. BUT I have a pit in my stomach. What happens if he is gone again? I hate uneasiness.
When my nerves are shot and i feel insecurity with him. I find myself running back to ashley for a peak. Saw a few interesting profiles. asked for pix. Who knows? Time will tell.
Friday, July 27, 2007
The Torture Has Ended
Spoiled? Only Child Syndrome? As Curious George would say...he wouldn't want to play with me in Kindergarten..I was probably a horrible sharer. Actually I am a very giving person...but I guess I like the one on one thing.
I acted like a pouting baby today. Long Distance Lover had met the girl he has been with today...and well I pouted. I have absolutely no right to....I was happy for him but I was soooooo envious that he wasn't in my arms. I worked and worked and worked...trying not to think about him in her arms (and in her). It was actually torture...I decided I don't want to know anymore when he is meeting her. I felt like I was waiting for an execution or something. Finally, he emails me.
The pouting begins....I was so mad at myself...how could I let this get to me? I don't even know him....I have frogs all over the place. Selfish, very selfish. He called me and well he knew from my texts that I wasn't Miss Sunshine but I answered and tried to put up a front. Well, he said all the right things considering the situation. In conclusion, I dont want him to give her up...we haven't even met. But I also don't want to know when the act is occurring...it was torture.
I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground with him...but it is really hard. He is caring, he is sweet, he is so damn cute....he makes my heart flutter. I love that new romance feeling. I love that flirting and giggling and excitement. I can talk to him forever...I just enjoy him so damn much.
And what I like the best...is that I am me. I am not being something he needs me to be. I am not holding back in fear that he won't be able to handle my emotional overload.....Yes, I love to lavish someone in exciting emails. Yes, I like to tell him how special he is and how much I want to do him during the day.
Aah! I hope this works out. I am truly enjoying him. Mystery Man? Who is that? (hee.hee)
I acted like a pouting baby today. Long Distance Lover had met the girl he has been with today...and well I pouted. I have absolutely no right to....I was happy for him but I was soooooo envious that he wasn't in my arms. I worked and worked and worked...trying not to think about him in her arms (and in her). It was actually torture...I decided I don't want to know anymore when he is meeting her. I felt like I was waiting for an execution or something. Finally, he emails me.
The pouting begins....I was so mad at myself...how could I let this get to me? I don't even know him....I have frogs all over the place. Selfish, very selfish. He called me and well he knew from my texts that I wasn't Miss Sunshine but I answered and tried to put up a front. Well, he said all the right things considering the situation. In conclusion, I dont want him to give her up...we haven't even met. But I also don't want to know when the act is occurring...it was torture.
I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground with him...but it is really hard. He is caring, he is sweet, he is so damn cute....he makes my heart flutter. I love that new romance feeling. I love that flirting and giggling and excitement. I can talk to him forever...I just enjoy him so damn much.
And what I like the best...is that I am me. I am not being something he needs me to be. I am not holding back in fear that he won't be able to handle my emotional overload.....Yes, I love to lavish someone in exciting emails. Yes, I like to tell him how special he is and how much I want to do him during the day.
Aah! I hope this works out. I am truly enjoying him. Mystery Man? Who is that? (hee.hee)
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